Crossings: A Sovereign Guardians Novel (21 page)

Granger tried once more to explain. "Keller, you're my best friend. You know that, but you also know I have feelings for Pagan. I know they aren't the same as what you feel, and you are right about one thing - I don't know exactly what I was thinking when I went to see her. I doubt my intent was as noble as I wanted it to be. We both have to be near her to complete this thing, but we
need
to stay away from her to keep our heads clear to complete what we're supposed to do. But I couldn't get my head clear, because I couldn't get her out of it."

Granger shook his head as he continued to explain. "I just kept wondering...what if? I knew school was finished, and I wouldn't be able to see her as much. Then I had another thought. What if she turned away from you so easily because she was never that interested? What if it should've been me?"

He paused only a second before he added, "There's something about her, Keller. It has nothing to do with the job. I can't explain it. We're supposed to be the ones who have the control, the ones who can make people feel what we want or need them to feel. But, when she's around, it's like things are totally reversed, and she's pulling all the strings whether she knows it or not. It makes me feel human, Keller. I like the way she makes me feel human."

Granger let out a short laugh. "Hearing me say it out loud, it sounds crazy. But, having said all this to you, you should thank me."

"Thank you?" Keller's voice rose in anger. "You had a make out session with a girl you warned us both to stay away from, a girl you knew I didn't want to stay away from, and you think I should give you some kind of high five and tell you how proud I am that you've got my back? You're crazy or at least suffering from some kind of sickness. Maybe you've been on Earth a little too long this time, Granger. Maybe it's time for you to go back for awhile so you can remember what our job here is. Because I know it's not for us to turn on each other. And as you've pointed out time and time again, it's not to become romantically involved with the person we're guarding, either."

I tried to make sense of their conversation. My heart had thrilled to hear Keller say he hadn't wanted to stay away from me, but then I was so confused listening to their exchange. Surely I'd misunderstood something they'd both said because they weren't making any sense. I stood perfectly still and strained to hear Granger's next words.

"Pagan turned me away, Keller, using her own free will. I made sure she had that opportunity. If you don't understand anything else about what happened tonight, at least know that she doesn't want me. Even with my shield, she was fighting everything, and we all know the reason why."

If Keller responded, I couldn't hear him. My heart was beating so loud I was sure they both had to know I was there. The erratic rhythm reverberated in my entire head making it impossible for me to think straight.

Why were they acting this way about me? Surely they weren't really talking about
me
and that I might die? Why would Keller say Granger had been on Earth too long? What was a guardian? What did Granger mean when he said he made sure I'd used my own free will? I almost wanted to make myself believe the entire, insane conversation was about some other girl, but it had to be about me. I mean, it wasn't like there was an abundance of girls named Pagan running around that were friends with Granger and Keller.

Unable to stay out of sight any longer, I moved away from my hiding place and slipped around the corner of the barn. I walked straight to the double doors where they stood. I was shaking from emotions I couldn't identify. Anger? Fear? I wasn't sure. I felt like I was going to explode, and the two standing in front of me were the sparks.

Caught up in their own conversation, it took them a second to realize they were no longer alone. The matching looks of stunned disbelief on their faces were all that stopped me from demanding an immediate explanation. Granger's eyes were huge in surprise, and were identical to Keller's own gaze.

Keller was the first to mask his unease on seeing me there. The only clue to his obvious discomfort at my presence was the slight clinching of his jaw.

Surprisingly, my voice shook less than I thought it would when I broke the stunned silence.

"So, gentlemen, you both seem to have an interest in me, but obviously with the two of you it's not quite what I thought. The question of the night, however, seems to be why you believe you are my guardians, and why both of you seem to think there's a possibility I'm going to die before I turn eighteen."

My gaze moved from Keller to Granger and then back again. I was not in the mood to hear any lies, nor did I want to be placated by words that weren't true. The look I gave them must have conveyed exactly what I was feeling because neither one of them attempted to tell me to calm down or pretend they didn't know what I was talking about.

"We need to talk."

Keller's eyes locked with mine and his words were decisive as if he'd made a decision he would not back away from. I watched him look at Granger, and Granger gave a short nod of agreement in return.

"Go get in the truck, Pagan, and Keller will drive us all back to Fairvue. Out here in the open isn't the place to have the conversation we need to have."

I didn't respond verbally, but I headed in the direction of Keller's parked truck. Granger moved in behind me and put his hand on the small of my back to guide me across the uneven ground. His touch was no longer welcome, and I was quick to jerk away.

His eyes seemed sad when I turned to tell him to keep his hands off me. I bit the words back but kept my distance from him, certain I had made my point clear. Keller was walking in front of us, his stride swift and efficient as though he simply wanted to get there as quickly as he could.

The rest of the walk was made in silence. Granger and Keller climbed into the front of the cab, and I slid into the seat behind Keller. Keller turned the key in the ignition the minute I climbed into the back. I pulled the door shut, and the loud noise of it closing set loose something that had been shut off in my own mind.

I've been in the back seat of this truck before.

"You two brought me home from the club in this truck. You did something to me so I wouldn't remember."

Neither of them responded, but I saw Keller's eyes glance in the rearview mirror before returning to the road.

"Are neither of you going to answer me?" I demanded.

"Honey, it wouldn't matter what we said right now. You hate us both and maybe we deserve it, but why don't you try to save all your righteous indignation until you've heard the whole story."

Before the truck came to a complete stop, I was already opening the door and stomping up the front steps of the house. My hand shook as I pulled the key from its usual hiding place and hurried to undo the lock.

Granger and Keller shut the door behind them, and then followed me into the kitchen. Their presence filled the room in a way I couldn't understand.

With unspoken agreement we all sat down at the table. Now that we were here, no one seemed to want to speak first.

It was Granger who finally broke the silence.

"There's a lot you need to know, Pagan. There's a lot you probably shouldn't know, and there's a lot you aren't going to want to believe. Quite frankly, I don't even know where we should begin."

"I know where we should start," Keller spoke up. His dark eyes stared into my own, and even if I'd wanted to, I couldn't have looked away.

"Let's start with the day you were born and the day you died, love."

Chapter Eleven

The silence in the room was tense as we sat around Gran's kitchen table. I didn't know what I was supposed to do except wait for one of them to explain.

"You deserve to know what's going on," Granger said.

I nodded, not trusting my voice to answer.

"You aren't going to like some of what we tell you, and like I said earlier, most of it you'll think is impossible. But try to believe that everything you're going to hear tonight is the truth."

Keller shifted in his seat, and then leaned his arms against the table as he let out a long sigh. The muscle in his jaw moved slightly as Granger continued talking.

"You have probably never heard of what we are. There are hundreds of us in the heavens. It's rare that people who are living ever meet us. We are called the sovereign guardians. Our job is to greet those passing from this world to the next. And before you even think it - no, we aren't angels."

"Definitely not angels, sweetheart" Keller quipped, his sarcastic wit breaking free despite his foul mood.

Granger ignored Keller and turned his chair toward me. I tried to focus my attention on his words and tried to stop my head from denying this conversation was even happening.

"Pagan, what Keller said earlier was true. You died when you were born. But only for a minute."

Granger watched me closely to see how I was taking the news. When I didn't fall apart, he continued.

"Throughout your mother's pregnancy, she insisted to your father that you be born at Fairvue. He had been born there, as well as past generations, and with no relatives left of her own, she wanted to begin their family with the traditions of your father's past. She planned for a midwife to be in attendance rather than a doctor. She was young and healthy and assumed the delivery would be easy. But there were...complications. Then you came faster than help could arrive. Your mother knew that night that she was dying. Her biggest fear wasn't for her own health, but it was for you. She was terrified you were going to die as well. And so, she did what people have done throughout time when they are in need of help and things seems hopeless."

"She prayed." My words were but a whisper, but Granger heard me.

"Yes, she prayed. Your mother was a believer. Her prayer was to save you."

Keller's voice interrupted, continuing the story.

"There were other things going on, though, that night. Your father was not a believer, but he prayed, too. He asked for help, no matter the cost, to save your mother." Keller looked at me then, but I wasn't sure he was even really seeing me as he searched for the right words to explain.

"You know, no one ever asks the question, but it's one to think about - your father didn't believe, but he prayed. So, who hears the prayers of a nonbeliever? I mean, think about it, love. If a child wants a new bicycle, he doesn't go to the neighbor's parents and ask for one, does he? When you wanted to come home, you didn't ask your roommate's father to let you leave. Yet your father was asking for help from something he didn't even believe in, someone he didn't claim as his own heavenly father.”

Keller leaned forward on his arms, his muscles tense, his hands clasped together. “Your father’s desperation, coupled with his disbelief, caused something evil to come into the room the night you were being born, and from that point on, things spiraled out of control. Your father knowingly made a deal with the devil that night. He didn't want to lose your mother, and I know this is hard for you to hear, but the truth is, he offered your soul to save hers."

Keller’s eyes locked on my face, waiting to see how I would take the news. I could feel Granger watching me, too, but I didn’t have it in me to reassure them I was handling this well, because after all this time I was finally hearing the truth.

Hadn't I always known my father didn't love me? But to hear it said out loud, in this way, it was almost too much.

Granger walked behind me and placed his hands on my shoulders. "This is the part you most need to understand, Pagan. This is why you are now in danger. When you died, your soul went to cross over. Because of your mother’s love, your soul followed hers, so the evil that was there that night couldn't take you despite your father's attempt at a deal. It was your mother who protected you."

"But, I died, and so did she. Wouldn’t that have cancelled any deal my father tried to make?"

I was so confused. How could there have been a deal if she had died, too? And how could they give such a detailed account of something that happened well before they were even born?

Granger's hands squeezed my shoulders as he continued. "When you died, the sovereign guardians were waiting at the place we call Crossings - it divides this world from the life that comes next. Keller and I were the guardians there that night."

Granger sat back down. He looked at Keller, willing him to finish the story. I could tell he was reluctant, but he picked up where Granger had stopped.

"I know part of what you're thinking right now. You're trying to figure out how someone our age could have been there, but trust me, we were. We don’t, well, we don’t age the same as you do. In fact, I was the one who received you. I cradled you carefully in my arms as I began to cross over. Normally, a crossing goes without a hitch. The roles have been played out over so many years there’s little that can go wrong. But that night, I felt such a connection to you. I can’t explain exactly what happened, but once Granger handed you to me, I wasn’t sure if I could release you to the other side. Something held me back. Those few precious moments made a difference in how things played out."

Keller's brow furrowed as he formed his words. "I know it's hard to understand, to imagine all of this, but try and picture Crossings like a bridge, if that helps you to imagine what happened next. Granger walked across first. As a guardian, he always stands ready at the front of the bridge, waiting for the soul to leave the body. He had already walked your mother over to me, and I had walked her safely the rest of the way to the other side.”

Keller leaned closer to me then, and I could tell he was seeing it all clearly, remembering every detail.

“I came back and took your soul from Granger. I know this doesn’t make sense to you, and you’re probably imagining me holding you as a baby or a bright light, but it’s not like that at all.”

His eyes searched mine, asking for understanding, devoid of his usual confidence, and I found myself wanting to trust him, needing to believe him. He gave a small nod, understanding my struggle, before he continued.

“I was preparing to go to the other side and hand you to your mother when something held me back. I...I couldn't cross. It was your mother who stopped me. She was begging me to take you back. It was obvious a part of her wanted you to go with her, to have your soul on the other side where she already was, but her love, if you will, was echoing everywhere. It enveloped everyone who was there that night."

Keller looked at Granger and then back at me before he continued. "But most of all, she pleaded with me not to leave your father alone. She begged me to take you to him. She was amazingly unselfish, only asking something for him. And so the decision was made in the heavens, and you were sent back. Your father, when he heard you cry, well, he was completely transformed. The veil between Crossings and Earth was still open, and I saw him holding you. He was so full of love for you, sweetheart. I will never forget how he looked that night, knowing he hadn't lost you."

My voice sounded like a child's when I asked the question that had plagued me my entire life. "Then why couldn't he love me?"

Keller rubbed his hands across his face in frustration, trying to find the words to explain.

"He did love you, but he couldn't undo what he’d set in motion that night, and neither could we. When I sent you back, I didn't realize everything that had happened. My energy was focused on you and your mother. Maybe if it hadn't been, then we could have done something differently, but neither Granger or myself realized until much later that you weren't safe."

"Pagan," Granger began, "understand our job as guardians is to help make the transition easier for those at Crossings. Occasionally, we are sent down to help when there are unresolved issues. When we leave, there are others who stay behind in our places. Usually when we come to Earth it’s to help with something simple, and we're only gone for a very short time.”

When I didn’t say anything, he continued. “We might assist a loved one of the deceased in finding a letter that was left for them or some other token to help them with their loss. Many times it's something the person who crossed over desperately needs those who are left behind to have so they can be at peace with events that have happened. There are times when we use our abilities to shield, which I know you don't really understand yet, but with it we are able to bring comfort by reminding those left how much they were loved. We’re able to soothe their minds. But with you, everything is different. It isn’t like anything we've ever been asked to do.” Granger shrugged his shoulders, raising his hands up, showing his uncertainty before he continued.

“We've certainly never stayed on Earth like this before. I don't mean to confuse you more than you already are by telling you this, but we're in new territory here, and the rules are changing every day."

My eyes moved back and forth from Granger to Keller, but I remained silent. I mean, what was I supposed to say? Everything they were telling me seemed unreal, not even possible, but somehow I knew they were telling the truth. I should have been afraid, but instead it was an odd relief to find out that after all this time, believing something was always there, wanting to hurt me, well, it was a strange relief to at least know I wasn't completely insane.

"You should understand, sweetheart," Keller added, "that when your father held you that night, he loved you unconditionally."

The look on my face must have shown what I thought of his statement because he added, "It's true. He loved you. And that night, before we left, we tried to shield your father, to use our abilities to help calm him, to help make sure he knew his wife was at peace so he could move on. It seemed to work, and he planned to raise you at Fairvue just as your mother would have wanted. Ms. Ellie adored you, and she was there to help, too."

"Then, what happened?" I demanded. "Because the life you just described, well, I assure you it’s not what I had growing up."

Keller leaned back in his chair and sighed into the quiet of the room. "We don't know exactly what happened. We do know whatever your father called into the room that night still didn't have the soul it had bargained for. Your mother didn’t live, so the deal your father tried to make should have ended, but evil doesn't play fair. The best we can piece together is that the demon felt cheated because we'd helped your mother. It still wanted you then, and it still wants you now. In Harry Potter fashion, your mother’s love saved you that night."

“You know about Harry Potter?” I smirked, feeling like I was about to become hysterical.

Taking advantage of my light-hearted question, Granger quipped back, “You know there’s a reason they call it the
world
-wide web. We have a connection speed that’s really quite incredible.”

Not sure if he was joking or not, I decided not to even try and find out. So much information had already been thrown at me, that my mind was struggling to put all the pieces in place; although I was beginning to feel like I was slowly understanding some of what they were trying to explain, even though it all still seemed too impossible to believe.

"So,” I let out a long, slow breath, trying to keep my voice from trembling as I spoke. “So, whatever still wants to hurt me, it's connected not only to me but also to this place, isn't it?"

"Yes," Granger agreed. "The bargain was made at Fairvue, so the evil has its greatest hold here. Of course, it didn't take long before both your father and Ms. Ellie began to realize something wicked had come into their home. There were small accidents that happened - unexplained events. Several times you almost died when you were younger. When you went camping in the backyard, you told your father that you felt like you couldn't breathe when you went to sleep, like someone was holding a pillow over your face.”

“Another time you nearly drowned in the creek, and again, you told him it felt like hands were holding you under the water. Your father began to suspect what was really going on. He sought the help of a fortune teller who confirmed, at least in his mind, that something at Fairvue was trying to take your soul. She advised him to send you away to protect you, and to shut off ties with you so that whatever it was could not use his love against you.” Granger paused, watching for my reaction, making sure I was ready to hear more. I gave him a quick nod and he continued.

“When you were gone, both your father and your grandmother could sense the evil was gone, too, but they didn’t believe it had followed you. When you were away, other than being sad, you seemed safe, and apparently you never told them of your fears. They discussed moving away from Fairvue since the power seemed strongest here, but based on what the fortune teller had told your father, he was scared it would follow them wherever they went with you because it would still be able to latch on to the love they had for you. Ms. Ellie, though, believed you were safest here and that you should be with your family. It was a constant argument between your father and your grandmother."