Crucial Conversations Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High (13 page)

When you've made a mistake that has hurt others (e.g., you didn't call the team), start with an apology. An apology is a statement that sincerely expresses your sorrow for your role in causing—or at least not preventing—pain or difficulty to others.

“I'm sorry I didn't give you a call when I learned that we wouldn't be coming by. You worked all night, it would have been a wonderful chance to showcase your improvements, and I didn't even explain what happened. I apologize.”

Now, an apology isn't really an apology unless you experience a change in heart. To offer a sincere apology, your motives have to change. You have to give up saving face, being right, or winning in order to focus on what you
really
want. You have to sacrifice a bit of your ego by admitting your error. But like many sacrifices, when you give up something you value, you're rewarded with something even more valuable—healthy dialogue and better results.

Next, watch to see if this sincere show of respect has helped restore safety. If it has, you can now explain the details of what happened. If it hasn't, you'll need to use one of the more advanced skills that follow in the next few pages. In any case, first make it safe; then return to the issue.

Remember, when your behavior has given someone cause to doubt your respect or commitment to Mutual Purpose, your conversation is likely to end up in silly game playing and frustrating misunderstandings until you offer a sincere apology.

Sometimes others feel disrespected during crucial conversations even though you haven't done anything disrespectful. Sure, there are times when respect gets violated because you behave in clearly hurtful ways. But just as often, the insult is entirely unintended.

The same can happen with Mutual Purpose. You can start by innocently sharing your views, but the other people believe your intention is to harm them or coerce them into accepting your opinion. Clearly an apology is not appropriate in these circumstances. It would be disingenuous to admit you were wrong when you weren't. How, then, can you rebuild Mutual Purpose or Mutual Respect in order to make it safe to get back to dialogue?

When others misinterpret either your purpose or your intent, step out of the argument and rebuild safety by using a skill called
Contrasting
.

Contrasting is a don't/do statement that:

• Addresses others' concerns that you don't respect them or that you have a malicious purpose (the
don't
part).

• Confirms your respect or clarifies your real purpose (the
do
part).

For example:

[The
don't
part] “The last thing I wanted to do was communicate that I don't value the work you put in or that I didn't want to share it with the VP.

[The
do
part] I think your work has been nothing short of spectacular.”

Now that you've addressed the threat to safety, you can return to the issue of the visit itself and move to remediation:

“Unfortunately, just when I was starting to make the trip out here, an issue came up with the VP that I needed to address right then and there, or it could have cost us a huge piece of our business. I tell you what—I'll see if I can get her down here sometime tomorrow to review your work. She'll be
here for the ribbon-cutting ceremony. Let's see if we can show off the process improvements you came up with.”

Of the two parts of Contrasting, the
don't
is the more important because it deals with the misunderstanding that has put safety at risk. The employees who worked so hard are acting on the belief that you don't appreciate their efforts and didn't care enough to keep them informed—when the exact opposite was true. So you address the misunderstanding by explaining what you don't intend. Once you've done this, and safety returns to the conversation, then you can explain what you do intend. Safety first.

Let's go back to Yvonne and Jotham. Yvonne is trying to get the conversation going, and Jotham suspects her motives. Let's see how Contrasting might help her.

Y
VONNE
: I think it makes things worse when you withdraw and won't talk to me for days at a time.

J
OTHAM
: So you expect me not only to put up with regular rejection, but also to be sociable and happy when I do?

Jotham appears to believe that Yvonne's motive is to reshape him. It's unsafe. Mutual Purpose is at risk. Rather than responding to his sarcasm, Yvonne should step out of the content and clarify her real motives.

Y
VONNE
: I don't want to suggest that this problem is yours. The truth is, I think it's ours. I'm not trying to put the burden on you. I don't even know what the solution is. What I do want is to be able to talk so that we can understand each other better. Perhaps that will help me change how I'm responding to you, too.

J
OTHAM
: I know where this is going. We talk, I continue to get rejected, but you get to feel good about yourself because
“we've communicated.” Have you been reading your self-help library again?

Obviously Jotham still believes that Yvonne merely wants to confirm that their existing relationship is okay and if she does, she'll be able to continue to reject Jotham—but feel good about it. Jotham still feels unsafe. So Yvonne continues to step out and build safety, using Contrasting.

Y
VONNE
: Seriously, Honey. I'm not interested in discussing why our current relationship is strong and healthy. I can see that it isn't. I merely want to talk about what each of us likes and doesn't like. That way we'll be able to see what we need to do in order to improve and why. My only goal is to come up with some ideas that will make both of us happy.

J
OTHAM
: (
Changing tone and demeanor
) Really? I'm sorry to be so insecure about this. I know I'm being a bit selfish about things, but I don't know how to make myself feel differently.

Contrasting is not apologizing
. It's important to understand that Contrasting is
not
apologizing. It is not a way of taking back something we've said that hurt others' feelings. Rather, it is a way of ensuring that what we said didn't hurt more than it should have. Once Yvonne clarified her genuine goals (and not merely some trumped-up goal that appeals to Jotham), Jotham felt safer acknowledging his own contribution, and the two were back in dialogue.

Contrasting provides context and proportion
. When you're in the middle of a touchy conversation, sometimes others experience your words as bigger or worse than you intend. For example, you talk with your assistant about his lack of punctuality. When you share your concern, he appears crushed.

At this point, you could be tempted to water down your content—“You know it's really not that big a deal.” Don't give into the temptation. Don't take back what you've said. Instead, put your remarks in context. For instance, at this point your assistant may believe you are completely dissatisfied with his performance. He believes that your view of the issue at hand represents the totality of your respect for him. If this belief is incorrect, use Contrasting to clarify what you don't and do believe. Start with what you don't believe.

“Let me put this in perspective. I don't want you to think I'm not satisfied with the quality of your work. I want us to continue working together. I really do think you're doing a good job. This punctuality issue is important to me, and I'd just like you to work on that. If you will be more attentive to that, there are no other issues.”

Use Contrasting for prevention or first aid
. Contrasting can be useful both as prevention and as first aid for safety problems. So far our examples have helped us apply first aid to a wounded conversation. Someone has taken something wrong, and we've intervened to clarify our true purpose or meaning.

When we're aware that something we're
about
to drop into the pool of meaning could create a splash of defensiveness, we use Contrasting to bolster safety—before we see others going to either silence or violence.

“I don't want you to think that I don't appreciate the time you've taken to keep our checkbook balanced and up to date. I do appreciate it, and I know I certainly couldn't have done nearly as well. I do, however, have some concerns with how we're using the new electronic banking system.”

When people misunderstand and you start arguing over the misunderstanding, stop. Use Contrasting. Explain what you don't mean until you've restored safety. Then return to the conversation. Safety first.

Let's practice. Read the situations below and then come up with your own Contrasting statements. Remember, contrast what you don't want or intend with what you actually do want or intend. Say it in a way that helps make it safe for the other person.

Angry roommate
. You asked your roommate to move her things in the refrigerator off your shelves and onto her shelves. To you it was no big deal—simply a request to share the space evenly. You have no hidden agenda. You like this roommate a great deal. She came back with: “There you go again, telling me how to run my life. I can't change the vacuum cleaner bag without you jumping in and giving me advice.”

Formulate an up-front Contrasting statement
.

I don't want ____________________________________________

I do want _______________________________________________

Touchy employee
. You're about to talk to Jacob, an employee who continually blows up when people try to give him feedback. Yesterday, a coworker told Jacob that she'd prefer it if he would clean up after himself in the lunchroom (something that everyone else does), and Jacob blew up. You've decided to say something. Of course, you'll be giving him feedback, and that's what usually sets him off, so you'll need to be careful
up front
. You'll want to set the right tone and lay out the context carefully. After all, you like Jacob a lot. Everyone does. He has a great sense of humor and is the most competent and hard-working employee around. If he could only be less touchy.

Formulate an up-front Contrasting statement
.

I don't want ____________________________________________

I do want _______________________________________________

Chatty teenager
. Your teenage nephew moved in with you when his father (your brother) passed away and your sister-in-law could no longer handle him. He was starting to spend time with the wrong crowd. He has always gotten along with you, and things have been going well except in one area: He spends many hours each day online. You worry he's not developing a well-rounded life. You're not really disturbed, but you'd like to draw his attention to a potential future concern. You said something to him about cutting back his time online, and he came back with: “Please don't send me to a youth home! I'll be good! I promise. I'll stop using the computer; just don't send me away.”

Formulate a Contrasting statement
.

I don't want ____________________________________________

I do want _______________________________________________

Let's add one more skill. Sometimes we find ourselves in the middle of a debate because we clearly have different purposes. There is no misunderstanding here. Contrasting won't do the trick. We need something sturdier for this job.

For instance, you've just been offered a promotion that will help propel your career along a faster track and bring you a great deal more authority, and it pays enough to help soften the blow of displacement. That last part is important because you'll have to move the family across the country and your spouse and kids love where you currently live.

You expected your spouse to have feelings of ambivalence over the move, but he or she doesn't seem to be bivaling even a tiny bit. To your spouse, the promotion is a bad news/bad news event. First, you have to move, and second, you'll work even
longer hours. That whole thing about more money and power doesn't seem to be compensating for the loss of time together. Now what?

The
worst
at dialogue either ignore the problem and push ahead or roll over and let others have their way. They opt for either competition or submission. Both strategies end up making winners and losers, and the problem continues long beyond the initial conversation.

The
good
at dialogue move immediately toward compromise. For example, the couple facing the transfer sets up two house-holds—one where the transferred spouse will be working and one where the family currently lives. Nobody really wants this arrangement, and frankly, it's a pretty ugly solution that's bound to lead to more serious problems, even divorce. While compromise is sometimes necessary, the best know better than to start there.

The
best
at dialogue use four skills to create a Mutual Purpose. If it helps you remember what to do, note that the four skills used in creating Mutual Purpose form the acronym CRIB.

As is true with most dialogue skills, if you want to get back to dialogue, you have to Start with Heart. In this case, you have to
agree to agree
. To be successful, we have to stop using silence or violence to compel others to our view. We must even surrender false dialogue, where we pretend to have Mutual Purpose (calmly arguing our side until the other person gives in). We Start with Heart by committing to stay in the conversation until we invent a solution that serves a purpose we both share.

This can be tough. To stop arguing, we have to suspend our belief that our choice is the absolute best and only one, and that we'll never be happy until we get exactly what we currently want. We have to open our mind to the fact that maybe, just maybe, there is a third choice out there—one that suits everyone.