Cruiser (13 page)

She smiles wryly. “This is all a little screwed up, isn’t it?” she asks.

“A bit.”

She catches a few strands of my hair. Tugs it. “We’ll take one day at a time and see what happens?”

I close my hand over hers. “I’m okay with that.”

We stay in each other’s arms. This time, I
don’t count how long. But after a while, Lex says she needs to be back for sixth period. We get to our feet and head to my bike.

I’m tempted to ride all the way to New York. Take Lex with me. No, not to New York. To some secluded island. Where it’ll just be Lex and me. Alone. Not worrying about Rey.

I don’t know what’ll happen in the future. But one day I’ll have her. I’ll wait my whole life if I need to.

Lex

“Stop burying your head in those newspapers!” my mom yells from the kitchen. “You’re only hurting your daughter.”

I’m trying to get into my thriller novel, but it’s hard to concentrate with my parents
’ bickering. Dad came home from work ten minutes ago, face ragged and bags under his eyes. His hair was very messy, and very gray. I could have sworn it was still totally brown a few months ago. He aged a lot over the past year and looks like a man in his late fifties instead of his mid-forties.

“Burying my head in newspapers?” he yells back. “
Burying my head in newspapers
? When was the last time I had the chance to relax and read the paper? All I do is work like a dog so you can fund these crackpot doctors who think they can help a little girl, who hasn’t had any movement in her legs for a whole
year
, walk again! This is burning a hole in my pocket, Lisa. Do you have any idea how much debt we’re in? Do you have any idea how much overtime I did this past month? I can barely stand on my own feet!”

My eyes well up as I grab a couch cushion and bury my face in it.

“You think I’m doing this for me?” Mom’s voice cracks. “I’m doing it for Rosie. So our daughter can have a shot at normal life again.”

I scream into the cushion.
Stop it! Just stop it!
Thank God Rosie’s at the community center and won’t be back for another hour. Mom and Dad never argued before the accident. I used to emulate their relationship, dreamed of having one just like theirs. But now?

My parents’ love for one another died the day Rosie’s legs died.

Their voices get so loud I’m sure the neighbors and random passersby hear every word. I pound my fists into the couch when Dad shouts, “This is an illness with you, Lisa. You can’t see what’s right in front of you. Rosie is wheelchair-bound for the rest of her life.”

There’s a long, thick pause before Mom says, “You don’t know that. I’m not going to write this off just yet. I am not giving up on my daughter.”

I can’t take this anymore. I get up from the couch and escape to sanctuary, to the backyard where I won’t hear anything but the peaceful chirping of the birds, the musical whistling of the wind rushing past the trees.

I lower myself onto one of the Dalton swings and open my book. In those weeks when I waited for the verdict of my sister, whether she would walk, whether our lives would ever be the same, I delved into my novels, buried myself in them. They were my escape. I need an escape right now.

But after reading only one page, I lose my concentration. Rey will come over soon. In just a little while, I’m going to break his heart.

I rest my cheek against the cold chains of the swing. I’ve never broken up with anyone before. No one’s broken up with me, but I know what it’s like to get my h
eart broken. It hurts, knowing I’ll inflict the same pain on someone else.

I
get up from the swing. The chains rattle. I circle the area, practicing what I’ll say in my head, finding the best approach to cause him the least heartache. Pressing my palms to one of the poles, I lean my forehead on it, feeling the cool metal against my skin.

I take in a few breaths and let them out.

Just as I’m about to head inside, I get a text from Rey.

Hey, will be done with violin in twenty minutes. Meet you at you
r place?

I stand there reading the message. Rey’s about to have the biggest recital of his life. And I want to
break up
with him? Not only will that crush him, but it’ll affect his violin playing. His future could get ruined because of me.

Maybe I should wait until after his recital.

I shake my head. No, I need to do this now.

I’ve been
so caught up in my thoughts that my parents’ voices—or shall I say, yells—make me jump when I walk into the house.

“I want changes here, Lisa
, and I want them now!”

I stomp into the kitchen. They both turn to me, faces frustrated and annoyed. “You know something?” I shout. “You guys have to stop acting like this!” I turn to my mom. “You have to stop treating Rosie like she’s some broken thing that needs fixing. Instead of focusing all your time and energy looking for a way to make her walk again, why don’t you show her how to live her life? Show her how great her life can be despite being confined to that wheelchair. That’s what she needs from you. She needs her mother to help her
live
.

“And you.” I turn to Dad. “What kind of a father are you being to your little princess? What happened to the stories you used to read to her every night before she went to bed? Or Super Fudge Sunday? What happened to all those days? Why are you guys acting different around Rosie? Why can’t we all treat her the exact same way we treated her when she walked? That’s what Rosie needs, Mom and Dad. To be treated like a normal kid.”

My parents’ jaws drop to the floor. I climb the stairs to my room and slam the door after me.

***

Rey sits next to me on my bed. I move over, running my hands through my hair. I know he senses something’s up, because he taps his foot on the floor, a sign he’s nervous. I don’t know what to say, how to start.

We sit in silence for a
while.

Finally Rey says, “I almost nailed my piece.”

I force a smile onto my lips. “That’s great.”

He forces a smile, too.

I take a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Rey?”

His worried eyes meet mine. “Yeah?”

I pry my gaze from his, then get to my feet and face my shelf of stuffed animals. I can’t do this to him. But I need to.

“You’re such a good guy, Rey,” I whisper.

He gets up and stands behind me. After a moment, he rests a hesitant hand on my shoulder. “What’s going on, Lex?”

I’m a coward because I can’t look him in the eye. “I think I need a break.”

Once the words are out, they sound so foreign, like they came out of someone else’s mouth. I shut my eyes as I feel Rey stiffen. “What…?” There’s no hiding the shock from his voice.

Taking another deep breath, I slowly turn around. His face is pale and his eyes are filled with betrayal. “I want to take a break,” I say.

His hand drops off my shoulder and he falls down on my bed. Tears enter my eyes as I watch him struggling to fight his own tears. I sit near him and reach for his hand, but he pulls it away.

“I love you, Rey,” I tell him. “But I’m so confused. We haven’t been spending
much time together, and you’re so busy with all your activities. I need time to—”

“Is there someone else?”

I bring my eyes to him.

“Is there?”

I can’t lie, but I can’t tell him the truth. If he finds out I have feelings for Cruiser, it’ll crush him. I shake my head.

“Then why do you want to break up? I…” He scratches the back of his head. “I don’t get it. I love you. I thought you love me.”

“We’ve been friends since we were kids. Of course we love each other. But maybe it’s not the right kind of love.”

He rests his elbows on his knees and leans forward, covering his
face. He sits like that for a few seconds before lifting his head. Tears are splattered over his cheeks.

I lay a hand on his arm. “I’m so sorry, Rey—”

He shrugs it off, gets to his feet, and storms out, slamming the door after him. I grab a stuffed animal and bury my face in my pillow. He’s so hurt. I wish I didn’t have to do that to him. I know in my head that it was the right thing to do.

If only he wasn’t so hurt.

Cruiser

What
the hell.

Did I miss the memo or something? What’s with th
e crapload of kids parading in and demanding I quench their thirst before they go crying to their mommies who will cry to Jackie who will fire my ass? She’s got a kids’ special discount week around midwinter break. Last I checked, it’s not for a few weeks.

Every
teenage girl in the shop watches me. “So cute,” one says. Yeah,
so cute
. This boy’s banging on the counter like I don’t have eyes and can’t see him. A girl’s climbing over the counter, and when I try to pull her off she starts shrieking like I’m trying to kidnap her. Geez.

I am not cut out for this.

Finally, finally. After some hair pulling, yells, and fifteen minutes, they’re all satisfied with their drinks and are gone.

I drag off my cap and rub my forehead. Fucking headache.

“Holy bananas,” Freddie, my coworker, says. Only someone like him can get away with using that phrase. Giving my head another rub, I turn around.

Holy bananas.

Lex, dressed in her pom squad uniform. Did she have a meet today? I’m trying to stay on top of it. Rey told me the other day how no one’s there to support her at her meets. That’s why I went to Hamilton. So she would know that I’m here for her when no one else is.

“Hot
girl,” Freddie says.

My
eyes are on Lex like they’re pasted with super glue. What’s she doing here?

Her
gaze is on me as she comes closer. So slow. What’s with the world slowing down to a snail’s pace when you want it to speed up? How much more of this agony am I going to take before she finally gets over here?

“Hi,” she says.

“Hey,” Freddie says in this ridiculous dreamy voice. What the hell. I punch his shoulder and he knocks into the back counter. Lex’s eyes go tiny as she giggles. It takes all my damn willpower not to leap over the counter and kiss those Rice Krispy eyes.

“Hey, Lex,” I say, leaning over the counter so I can be closer to her. She rests her hands on the counter. Looks up at me.

“Hi,” she says again.

“Hey,” I say again. My eyes dip to her
blue and white uniform. Looks so good on her. She’s got her Sharkettes jacket hanging over her arm. “Dance meet?” I ask.

“What?” She stares at me like I asked her if she jumped off a plane without a parachute. Then she looks down at her uniform. “Oh.” She laughs nervously. “Um, no. All my practice clothes and gym uniform are…smelly so I practiced in this today.” She touches her hem like she’s trying to pull it lower down her thighs.

“Sit down,” I tell her. “Can I get you anything?”

She runs her hand over her high ponytail. The hairstyle reminds me of when we were kids. Lex’s two hairstyles were pigtails and a high ponytail.
My hand itches to yank out that rubber band and watch her hair tumble down her shoulders.

She lays her jacket on a stool and hops onto the one near it. “
Banana mocha?” I ask.

She shakes her head. “I think I want to try something new.”

I get a menu from the counter and hand it over. Don’t know why when there’s a big sign hanging overhead that lists all the smoothies we got.

I find Freddie smiling at me. I whack him with the dishtowel I was using to clean the mess left over
from the kids. He chuckles and disappears into the storage room.

Lex
scans the menu, her hands flat on the counter. I have an urge to rest both mine on hers, but I fold them across my chest and place my elbows on the counter instead. “Like anything?” I ask.

She raises her head.
Eyes follow Freddie. When she sees he’s out of earshot, she says. “Is he really upset?” Her eyes are sad. “I’m worried about him.”

I raise an eyebrow. “Who?”

“Rey. He…he didn’t tell you?”

I stare at her for a few
seconds. Then I get it. “You broke up with him.”

She nods, biting down on her lip. I didn’t think she’d do it. Hoped she would, but
doubted she’d really do it. I turn toward the back counter and pick up a rag. Wipe it. Rey didn’t tell me. I thought we were close. Thought we were getting even closer since I got back. Why hasn’t he told me?

I think back to last night and this morning. Did he seem upset? He stayed in his room, playing the violin. Guess I thought he was distracted.

When I return to Lex, I say, “You okay?”

She nods slowly. “I hope Rey and I
could be friends.”

The rag’s still in my hand. I pull on the strings.

Lex lowers her eyes to the menu. Looks like she’s deep in thought.

“Hey,” I say softly. She raises her head. Eyes are pained. All I want to do is erase the hurt
from her face and replace it with only good things. “Found anything you like?”

I run my hand down the menu just as she does.
My finger brushes against hers. She quickly draws it away like she got burned, but then she brings it back. I flatten mine over hers. Our eyes meet. My gaze drops to her lips before climbing back to her big, blue eyes. “Freddie’s been working on a secret recipe,” I whisper. “I usually don’t recommend it, but you wanna give it a try?”

Lex cocks her head to the side. “Freddie experiments with smoothies?”

Damn. She slides her hand out from underneath mine. Maybe my palm’s too sweaty. I make a fist. Feel the moisture. Yeah, definitely sweaty. “Apparently,” I say, my voice hoarse. I cough. “Apparently, Freddie made this amazing smoothie with his frat boys. He’s been trying to recreate it. I tried a sample yesterday and puked out of my nose.” She covers her mouth and her eyes go small again. “I’m serious. Couldn’t get the taste out of my mouth even after I brushed my teeth ten times.”

She cranes her neck toward the storage
room. “You want to poison me?”

I chuckle.
“Nah, but if it’s good you’ll be the first person to taste it.”

She rests her palms on the counter and looks down, her lips tugged into a small smile. “Okay
.” She brings her eyes to my face. “But if it’s bad, I get free smoothies for a month.” Light enters her eyes. She looks more alive. Free.

My heart pounds in the back of my head. Makes the headache I got from the kids resurface. It ran away when Lex walked in, but it’s back now, stronger than before. I bend toward her ear. “Darlin’, you have a deal.” She smells like peaches and strawberries and watermelon.

I pull away and walk over to the back counter. Freddie dumped his latest concoction here an hour ago when I said I was no way in hell going to touch it. It doesn’t look good—hell, it looks like puke mixed in with rat shit. Laughter bubbles in my throat. What’ll Lex say when she sees it? I miss teasing her like this. Did it so much when we were kids. She would stomp her foot and fold her arms when we were really little. One time she even ran to her mom and told her how I stole her arts and crafts project and did some reconstruction on it. Never mind that she told me a few years later that she really loved what I did to it, but was too proud to admit it. Unlike all the other times I get these memories, I don’t feel upset, pissed, hopeless. This time, I feel…good.

Her eyes widen when I drop the smoothie onto the counter. “Is that it?” she asks. “You’re kidding!”

“Nope.” My lips are stretched so wide they hurt.

I pluck two straws from the case and pop them through the lid. Push the cup closer to her. She wrinkles her nose. I push it closer. She wrinkles her nose again, but this time I see a smile trying to sneak in.

“On the count of three,” I say and bend my head closer. Position my mouth over the straw. She positions hers. “One, two, three!”

We drink, eyes lock
ed on one another. Purplish bluish liquid slides up her straw. We both pull away. Lex runs her tongue over her lips. “That wasn’t so bad.” She takes another sip. “What are those little black dots?”

“Blueberries, probably.”

She takes another sip. “I think this has mango.” And another sip. “Some pineapple and lemon, too. But I have no idea what the other flavors are.”

I raise an eyebrow. “Ah, so you can name flavors other than banana mocha?”

She raises her chin. “It doesn’t take an expert to recognize the taste of fruit.” The way she raised her chin like that. Just like old times.

This I can’t stand anymore. I motion her “one second” with my finger and head to the storage room. Ask a favor from Freddie. He agrees. I walk back over to the front and raise the counter. “Come on in, Lex,” I say.

Her eyes fill with surprise and hesitation. “What?”

“It’s cool. Jackie
went out for a bit. I got something back there I want to show you.”

“
Another smoothie?” Her eyes look a bit scared.

I chuckle
again. “No smoothie. Come on.”

She grabs her jacket and bag and jumps off the stool. Freddie comes out front and winks to me. I take Lex’s hand and pull her
to the storage room, shutting the door. The place is a mess. Freddie’s supposed to be straightening it out, but he’s always too busy studying or playing games on his phone. Maybe texting random girls he met over the Net or whatever. Bags of cups are on the floor and I kick them away. Lex picks a discarded lid off the shelf and bends it in half. “What did you want to show me?” she asks.

“Nothing,” I say, stepping closer. “Mostly just wanted to do this.”

I push her against the wall and open my mouth over hers. She tastes like mango and blueberries and all the other crap Freddie put in that smoothie. Her hands are at her sides at first. Like she doesn’t want me to do this. The guilt must be eating away at her. She just broke Rey’s heart. But she’s free now and I want to know if I got a shot with her. A real one. I want to show her I’m not the lame kid who hurt her. I can be the right guy for her. I
am
the right guy.

After a few seconds, her hands spring to my hair. She yanks on my strands.
Welcomes my kiss. A thud on the floor means her bag falls down. A swoosh means her jacket comes next. I feel it by my feet. It wraps around me as I push her tighter against the wall and lift her up so I can kiss her better. She’s so damn short and craning my head like that will give me a stiff neck tomorrow.

My hands slide up her thighs. She moans and pulls me closer. My fingers play with the pleats of her hem. I tilt her head to the side so I can get her neck. Her moans are so soft, but to me they sound like they’re coming out of a blow horn. I bend down, pick up her jacket and spread it on the floor. Then I take her by the waist and lower her down on it, dropping on top of her. “Why are you giving up dance?” I ask.

Lex blinks up at me. “What…?” She blinks again. “You know, these just came back from the cleaners yesterday.”

“Answer the question, darlin’,” I whisper, leaning toward her neck. I feel her stiffen underneath me as she waits for my lips to make contact with her skin. I stop just an inch away. “Hm
m?”

She stares at me. Her eyes are so blue. So deep. I can see my reflection in them. My hair’s a mess and it looks like I have a smoothie stain near my eye. Ah, hell. I can also see the guard she has up. The one where people she still can’t trust aren’t welcome.

“I…” She swallows. “Where did you hear that?”

I trace the “
s” and the “h” on her top, then bring my hand higher and pull out the necklace she has tucked inside. The one she got as an anniversary gift from Rey. Guess she forgot to take it off.

I tuck it back in. “I know when something’s bothering you. I can see it all over your face
.”

Her gaze moves from mine. For a few seconds. She looks back up at me. “I don’t know, Cruise.” Her eyes fill with doubt, fear, confusion. “I don’t know what I want to do.”

“You’re an amazing dancer.” I press my forehead to hers. “And I’m not just saying that because I got you to come into the storage room with me. Or because you’re lying beneath me.”

She smiles. I see she’s trying to fight it. “You’re so full of yourself, you jerk.”

I place my hands on either side of her and bring my lips to hers. “I know that uniform means a hell of a lot to you.”

“Maybe I wouldn’t treat it like such a rag if it did.”

I touch a few strands of her hair that are too short to fit into her ponytail. “You’d kill to wear that,” I whisper.

“Would I?” she rasps.
Stares at my lips.

“
You drive me crazy when you’re in it.”

Her
eyes come back to mine. Search deep inside me. “I just broke up with Rey,” she says softly.

I press my forehead to hers again. “I know. I promised I’d give you time.” I raise my head and look into her eyes. “But I don’t want to. I want to be with you, Lex. I want to try us again.”

She closes her eyes. Sighs. “You don’t know how many times I dreamed you’d say that to me.” She opens her eyes. Raises a hand to me and pushes hair out of my eyes. “When you came back, I used to fantasize about you, and it drove me insane because I was with Rey. I felt like such a horrible person. I am a horrible person.”