Cut Too Deep (24 page)

“I hadn’t thought about it. The word love comes naturally when I think of you. Do you not like it?”

Of course she liked it. She loved it. “It’s nice.” She flushed.

The new almost-lovers sat on the outdoor patio of a small coffee shop, sharing fruit and pastries. The sun warmed her skin as Hadley listened to Miller speak on the phone regarding a work related issue. She admired how handsome Miller looked in his Persol sunglasses that she’d been informed were another fine luxury of the Italian’s creation.

The pride he felt in his heritage was also admirable. While she was half Italian herself, Hadley never thought of it as a positive. Raised in a predominately Russian community, she’d often been teased as the ‘Whoop’, the ‘Ginny’, and the ‘Calzone’. The slurs spit at her by her classmates made alienating herself that much easier, which helped please her father. Of course, she’d also been teased for her Russian heritage. She remembered while staying with her grandparents, a boy named Anthony and his crew harassed her relentlessly, often referring to her as ‘Rusky’ or ‘Comi’, that was until Giovanni came to her rescue.

Hadley debated how the memory made her feel. As was the nature of children, she would have probably been teased regardless. However, if she’d been taught, as Miller obviously had been, to take pride in who she was and where she came from, childish words would have failed to affect her. Close to adding fuel to the ever-burning fire of anger she held for her parents, Miller's poems came to mind, dousing the flames. Her mother did the best she could with what she had. As for her father, he’d met his maker, and she took pleasure in the thought he surely answered for his sins.

“You’re a million miles away.”

Hadley blinked. “I’m sorry. I was thinking.”

“About what?”

“My parents.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

She picked at a croissant, wondering if she did.

“There’s not much more to talk about. As I shared last night, my mother went back to him, and you obviously know how it ended.” She tilted her head contemplatively. “I’m still not sure how I feel about you looking into me, but I understand a man in your position has to protect his assets.”

Miller regarded her with a bit of irritation. “Is that why you think I looked into you?”

“Isn’t it?”

“It’s damn sure not!” Miller exhaled. “I looked into you to prepare myself.”

“For exactly how fucked up I am?”

He flinched, her words like a slap to the face.

“A foul mouth doesn’t flatter you, Love.” She’d been properly shunned into silence and stared at her lap. Miller leaned back in the chair and considered his words, knowing he needed to tread lightly. “I was preparing myself for whatever you were going to offer as an excuse to push me away when I returned.”

“What?” Hadley lifted her head, tears wetting her eyes. “Why would you think I intended to push you away?”

“Why wouldn’t I? Is it a surprise, I drew the conclusion that a woman who watched me for over three years without uttering a single goddamn word may have something to hide, and to keep me from finding out, she would stomp on my heart?” His voice lowered when he realized other diners were staring. He leaned closer to her. “You need to understand this very clearly, Love. I had no choice but to look into your past since I planned on keeping you. And it’s a good damn thing I did, because the second I walked through your door, you started your efforts to make me leave.”

Hadley wanted to protest, but thinking back, she’d unintentionally done exactly as he feared. Because of his preparation, he’d been ready for it.

“You’re right, I did try to push you away, but it wasn’t planned. You were home for days, and I hadn’t heard from you. I didn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep. I let my insecurities take over and make assumptions about why I hadn’t heard from you. I thought you didn’t want me.” Hadley touched his hand. “Truthfully, it thrills me that you took precautions to make sure that I couldn’t push you away, because you’re right, I would have. But not knowingly, I assure you.”

Miller smiled.

“I owe you an apology for not contacting you sooner. I wanted to, but from the moment we landed, it was like being a hostage all over again. I spent two straight days in interrogation rooms while every branch of the US Government tried to extract ‘vital information’ from me. Due to my line of work, they assumed my travels were military related and that I’d travel there to sell government secrets or some crap. Imbeciles! Thailand is hardly Iran for Christ’s sake. Once they were finished with me, the company requested I attend a press conference as a Band-Aid for the speculation surrounding my trip. All I wanted to do was see you. You’re all I’ve thought about since the day I left for Thailand.”

Hadley half smiled. “I’ve thought about you, too.” Her mind wandered to her conversation with her boss. Miller still hadn’t shared why he’d been detained. “Did you have something the men in Thailand wanted? Is that why they kept you?”

Miller looked to the sky, rubbing the back of his neck. When their eyes met, she waited.

“My cousin has a big mouth.”

Hadley crossed her legs, leaning back in the chair.

“He was worried about you.”

“I did have something that belonged to them, only I needed it more. After I was done with it, I returned it to them and they let me go.”

“What was it?”

“A memory drive with information I hoped would lead me to Theresa.”

“Was the information worth staying there?”

“Yes!”

“Does that mean you found her?”

“No, but the information gave me a place to start.”

“Do you still love her?”

During the period of silence that fell between the two, Hadley wondered if she truly wanted to hear the answer.

“There are times when I question if I ever did, or if I merely craved the rush I felt when I was with her. She was intoxicating. When I was around her, she brought me to the very edge. At first, balancing there offered me a high I never wanted to descend from. Only the depth was unsustainable, and we crashed. With each rise and fall, I became more addicted to her. As I look back, I think I loved saving her, but I’m not sure I was ever in love with her.”

Her next question was more difficult to ask, but Hadley needed to know.

“Are you still trying to save her?”

“Yes.” Miller noticed the frown Hadley failed to hide. “But, I’m no longer personally involved. I’ve hired an investigator to search for her.”

“Why?”

“I’m letting her go. I have someone in my life I care about now that I need to focus my attention on, and it’s with hope that she wants me to.”

Hadley smiled.

“She does.”

Miller reached out to touch her bracelet.

“When I mentioned that I plan to fill these links with our future, it was a promise.”

She swallowed hard.

“I love it.”

“Good.” Miller stood and slid his keys and phone in his pocket. “It’s a beautiful day, let’s walk in the park.”

Hadley lifted a playful eyebrow.

“Oh, Mr. One Hundred Percent Italian Male enjoys strolling through the park.”

“Only when wearing his Testoni’s.” Miller smiled wickedly, lifting his foot to indicate his reference to his footwear. Hadley rolled her eyes and left him gloating in his ridiculously high priced Italian loafers. Miller quickly caught up to her, chuckling, and the pair strode across the street.

Miller reached for her hand, and much to his enjoyment, Hadley allowed him to hold it without hesitation.

“You haven’t told me the rest of your story, Hadley Walker.”

“Sadly, it isn’t any happier than the beginning.”

“Tell me.”

Hadley kicked a few leaves from the path while they walked through the park.

“Let’s see, the court ruled I acted in self-defense, but that I was a potential danger to others. I was assigned a guardian to look after my pathetic trust, forced into therapy, and sent to foster care. The kicker of it all, is after my parents died, I felt like I’d be okay. I still felt whole. Then the courts, social workers, and everyone involved was so worried I needed help to cope with the trauma I’d been through that they ended up breaking me. Every decision made for me added to my problems.”

“So you ended up in a system trying to determine what’s in the best interest of children, but failing miserably, although for a multitude of debatable reasons.”

Hadley contemplated how easily Miller summed it up.

“Exactly, but it wasn’t as though I had anywhere else to go.”

“What about the grandparents you mentioned. They didn’t take you in?”

Miller, of course, knew her mother’s parents didn’t take her in, but was curious what she had been told.

“Nope.” Hadley shook her head, determined not to cry. “They claimed my grandfather was sick and my grandmother was his only caretaker. Therefore, they could not possibly care for a young child.”

Hadley had been told the truth. Salvatore Benvenuti was eighteen years his wife Valentina’s senior, and she always expected to outlive her husband, but it wasn’t old age that took Salvatore’s life. The ten cigars he smoked daily did him in. He lost his fight to lung cancer two years after Hadley’s parents died. Miller couldn’t tell her as much, though, without revealing himself.

“Perhaps, that’s the truth,” Miller offered kindly.

“I doubt that, but I’ve accepted they never wanted me.”

Miller spotted a patch of grass surrounded by Echinacea blooms. He suggested they sit to enjoy the sounds of nature and escape the intensity of their conversation. After removing their shoes, Miller positioned himself behind her so that his legs fell at her sides. Hadley leaned back against his chest, absorbing how incredibly happy he made her and how content she felt with him. She sank her toes into the squishy grass and smiled.

Miller played with her hair, recognizing the citrus scent from the elevator.

“You’re hair smells good.”

“Thank you.”

He spent the next ten minutes working his fingers over her neck and through her hair. He massaged her scalp and had to bite his lip a few times when she purred in appreciation.

“Now that we’re relaxed a little, tell me about your father’s parents.”

“I know very little about them. I believe his mother died shortly after his birth, or disappeared. My father told us several stories. Who knows what the truth is. His father raised him and drank himself to death before my father finished high school.”

“You’re father simply repeated the cycle.”

“He didn’t have too,” she countered, her tone bitter. “He had a choice.”

Miller kissed the back of her head, squeezing her shoulders. “I’m not defending him, Love.”

“I’m sorry.”

“What about aunts or uncles?”

“Nope, my parents were only children. I remember my mother fighting with my grandfather the night we left their home. I went down the hall and watched them. He said to her that the writing was on the wall and if she went back to my father, sooner or later they would kill each other, and then I would end up abandoned. When she asked him if he would honestly allow that to happen, he held his hand over his heart and said to her, ‘on your mother’s life’. Sometimes, I believe him not taking me in was his way of proving a point. Who does that? Who has to be right with so much conviction, they would abandon their granddaughter to make a statement to their dead child? They’re terrible people. I hate them more than I do my father.”

“You don’t know that was the case, though. Assumptions can be more damaging than the truth.”

“Maybe, but I will never forgive them. He’s dead now, anyway.” Miller didn’t think she knew. “I’ve walked past their building a few times recently to see if they still lived there. A couple of months ago, I saw my grandmother on a few separate occasions without him. I did a search and came across his obituary.”

He began rubbing her shoulders again, perhaps subconsciously knowing what he was about to say may upset her.

“You should have spoken to her. Regret comes with time and maybe you could have worked toward forgiveness.”

“Forgiveness?” Hadley bolted up and turned to face him. On her knees now, she sat back on her heels. “She abandoned me, Miller. You don’t know everything. The first eight years of my life were easy in comparison. I have zero forgiveness in my heart for Valentina Benvenuti.”

Miller pinched her chin.

“I didn’t mean to upset you.”

Hadley relaxed.

“I know you didn’t.”

“What does the good Dr. LeClair say about all of this?”

She ran her fingers over the blades of grass, watching patterns form.

“He thinks I should let it go. We’ve been working on it, but I can’t remember everything about the night my parents died. How do you let go of a memory you can’t remember, but continually taunts you?”

Miller knew everything Hadley had forgotten. He also knew it best if she never found out. She would never forgive him if she knew the truth, nor would she ever recover.

“You have to completely forget about it!”

“God knows I’ve tried. I started regressive therapy, and I go back again in a couple of weeks.”

“Perhaps that isn’t a good idea. What if it sets you back?”