Cut Too Deep (21 page)

That mean voice in her head returned, shouting,
I told you! He doesn’t care about you. You’re worthless!

After collapsing to the floor, she hugged her knees and rocked.

“Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!”

Something shiny grabbed her attention. Hadley toyed with the charms on her bracelet and inhaled deeply.

He cares about me. I’m not worthless.

Hadley grabbed a bottle of water and turned on the television. The breaking news held her attention.

“Again, if you’re just joining us, Miller Genetti has been released. Although no information is available regarding the details of his release, he landed on U.S. soil moments ago, and our cameras were on scene for his homecoming.”

Hadley watched Miller descend the stairs of the plane. His jeans and t-shirt clashed with images of him in tailored suits. The hazy picture didn’t allow her to see his face clearly, but he didn’t smile. With his head down, he strode away from the plane toward a waiting car. She recognized her boss closing the door after Miller climbed inside. The camera panned to the crowd. A mob of women held signs and flowers, declaring their admirations in the direction of the car as it drove away.

Hadley turned off the television and allowed herself to smile. Those women may want Miller, but he was hers, and he was home. She couldn’t wait to see him. He promised to get to know her. His thoughtful words and poems over the last month had convinced her to let him. She knew he accepted all of her, and she was ready to share everything with him, including her past.

Her nagging doubt returned, questioning the ‘what if’s’. What if he didn’t reciprocate her feelings? What if their relationship only existed on paper, and she’d only served as a means of comfort during his confinement? What if in real life, he preferred his existence before his trip, the one with a different woman in his bed every night? Hadley inhaled a few calming breaths. While she hated the lack of control, she had no power over the
‘what if’s’
. Now that he was home, he would come to her, and only then would she know the answers.

Over the next couple of days, Miller didn’t come to see Hadley, nor did he call or text her. She had the answers, only they weren’t the answers she hoped for. Hadley barely functioned at work Friday.

By Saturday evening, she soaked in her misery while sitting on the couch watching the news in her nightgown. Miller had been hounded by the press since his return. Genetti Industries held a press conference, but refused to comment on the details of his detainment or the reasons he’d traveled to Thailand. Every broadcast aired consisted of so called experts making speculations and dredging up details from his past, some rather unsavory. His life no longer held secrets. In truth, it was more public than most Hollywood starlets. In that comparison, Hadley knew his not coming to her to be a good thing. Once the media discovered a connection between the two of them, her past would be dug up and reported on. Shame would fall on the man she cared for dearly. Her heart ached and her head hurt. She wanted him to love her, but in a slim way, his not doing so protected him, or so she convinced herself.

Nights of restless sleep spent tossing and turning caught up to Hadley and dragged her into a sound sleep. Several hours later, through the clouds in her mind, she heard buzzing. She groaned, reaching for her alarm clock. Her hand smacked into the coffee table, and she woke confused. Buzzing filled the air again, alerting her to a visitor. She assumed Mac was checking in on her. Her dear friend had been worrying over her. She figured he would be stopping by this weekend. She knew he feared she may try and take her life. As sad as she felt, Hadley didn’t lack a desire to live. She loved her life, even if Miller wasn’t meant to be in it.

With another, longer buzz, Hadley finally went to the intercom.

“I’m fine, Mac.”

The voice that echoed back at Hadley made her feel faint. She buzzed him in immediately, but didn’t respond.

When Hadley opened the door, there was a moment she stopped breathing. Miller stood in the doorway. He looked drained, yet, every bit as handsome as Hadley remembered him. His eyes were rimmed with purple circles. Thick stubble darkened his face, defining the curious scar on his chin. His crisp pale-blue dress shirt was un-tucked, the sleeves folded to his elbows. His waiting gaze meets hers. They both inhaled a harsh breath.

Do I run to him? Do I run from him?

Confusion left Hadley doing neither. The pair stood, staring at each other and grasping onto the silent communication filled with questions and worry and, possibly, a hint of love. Hadley couldn’t pull her eyes away from his questioning gaze. Her lip trembled as her eyes filled with tears. She bit down hard on her bottom lip, attempting to contain the turbulence of emotions rolling through her. Her palms broke out in a sweat and her heart raced at an unnatural rate. Hot tears streamed down her cheeks, burning her skin.

Miller stepped through the door, staring into the eyes of the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen. She was more beautiful than in his memories and the photo from the ballet. His hands slid along her jaw as his thumbs brushed away her tears, sweeping over the faint scar on her cheek. He knew how she got it and would give anything to have stopped that night from happening. A sob ripped from her chest, the emotion and the intensity more than she was capable of holding back.

He’s here. He didn’t abandon me.

Hadley finally managed to speak.

“What are you doing here?”

Still cradling her face in his big hands, Miller said, “I’m here to prove that we share more than meaningless unspoken words,” he paused and brushed his lips across hers, marveling in how soft they were, before joining their foreheads, “because I need those words to fucking mean something, and I need them to come from your mouth.”

As another sob tore through her, Hadley grabbed onto his wrists. Miller squeezed her face tighter. His brown eyes pierced her soul.

“Of course, they
mean
something,” Hadley choked out.

They mean everything
.

His hands fell from her face. Miller cupped her shoulders before curling his pinky fingers under the straps of her silk nightgown and pulling them off her shoulders. He held the straps against her arms.

“Show me,” Miller whispered before pressing his lips to her forehead.

With her chin down, Hadley averted her eyes and sucked in a reassuring breath. She was utterly terrified of intimacy, of getting this close to someone, of allowing herself to be vulnerable, of being touched, but she wanted him to touch her.

Her heart had been secure when distance separated them. Hadley wanted to show him how much her words meant. Her ugly past behind her, she should allow herself to love whole-heartedly, but she wasn’t sure she could. That awful voice told her she didn’t deserve him. He didn’t know her, and if he did, he would leave and take her heart with him.

Miller sighed softly and replaced the straps atop of her shoulders. He lifted her chin. Warm tears still streamed down her cheeks. Her words when she opened up to him, the poems, and her internal beauty crashed into him all at once. Her presence sent tingles up his spine. He didn’t remember the exact moment it happened, but he’d fallen hard. Now he feared without distance between them, Hadley would seal herself off, ending any chance for him to show her how he felt.

His eyes bored into hers. “You deserve to be loved.”

“You love me?” she whispered.

Miller trailed a single finger down her bare arm. He wanted to say it, but his failed marriage had affected him. He referred to Hadley endearingly as Love, and thought of her as his love, but admitting it out loud, saying the words, were too difficult.

“I’m starting to.”

“But, you don’t know me. I have a ton of baggage.” Miller shook his head. “Seriously, I’m all kinds of screwed up. I don’t deserve you or your love.”

“Stop!” Miller commanded loudly. “You’re fragile, but you’re not screwed up. I know everything about you. I’ve never felt this way with anyone else.”

I don’t know what he wants me to say
.

Hadley couldn’t admit how much she loved him. It hurt. She threw her arms around his neck, pressing her cheek against his chest as she clung tightly to him.

His arms wrapped around her waist, and Miller lifted her up on the tips of her toes.

“Let me love you, Hadley.”

Hadley nodded against his chest. He swept her into his arms, holding her in his strong embrace as he walked toward her bedroom.

“Is this your room?”

Hadley nodded and nuzzled into his neck, smelling him–a marvelous scent of cologne and pure testosterone–familiar.

Miller stopped at the foot of her bed and set her down on her feet.

Unwelcomed doubt brewed in her mind. Her heart was on board, but her brain boycotted their union, trying to protect them both. She feared shaming him and ruining his reputation in the community. More, though, her heart would only survive if he left now.

His hands curled around her arms as he pressed his lips against her forehead, kissing softly.

Her entire body started to tremble and she began to cry, a deep, violent, ugly cry—an uncontrollable cry. Hadley cried at the memory of every guy she ever let callously fuck her, and her former guardian’s violent ways. The memories of what Hadley allowed men to do to her flooded her mind—each of the men in her past void of any genuine closeness, trust, or affection.

She hated those men. Miller had been in her apartment ten minutes and Hadley already felt a deeply rooted connection, pulling her in with a force she knew couldn’t be sustained by someone with her emotional instability.

Miller drew her to his chest. As she pulled away and started to explain, the words caught in every sob. She was a complete wreck, her face drenched in tears and snot. Their intimate moment lost before it began. Miller left the room without a word. Hadley sunk onto the bed and buried her face in her hands. She tried frantically to get a grip on her emotions. Having Miller in her apartment was much harder than she’d anticipated. It was realization she hadn’t come nearly as far in her life as she thought. Moments later, his dark shadow filled the doorway, and then he was on his knees before her.

Hadley looked into his dark eyes and saw pure unwavering trust. It was the first time she’d felt it in another person. His expression was amorous. He obviously cared for her. Miller pressed a warm, damp cloth to her cheek, wiping away tears. The fabric felt rough, but his touch was gentle. The delicate way he treated her made her realize she’d already sank deeply and hopelessly in love with him. She was helpless to muddle or refuse it. He swept the cloth over her forehead and down the other cheek. Hadley stopped shaking.  Her tears subsided and her breathing came naturally. Miller’s small smile, full of worry and compassion, worried her. He waited.

“I’m sorry,” Hadley finally whispered.

Miller set the cloth aside and cupped her cheek.

“Don’t apologize. There’s no need. When I said, ‘let me love you,’ I meant it in any way you need me to—to make love to you, to hold you, to wipe your tears–all of it. I’ve never wanted that before you.”

“I’m scared.”

“I know. I’m scared too, but I want this to work enough to take the risk.”

It seemed unfathomable for the always in control, and usually calculating, Miller Genetti to be scared.

It didn’t matter. Hadley was too fucked up for their relationship to be anything more than a train wreck that ended in a twisted ball of heartache and pain. Despite what people said, some scars didn’t heal with time, rather they remained open and festering until infection took over and slowly killed you.

“It will never work. My past has damaged me beyond repair. I thought I could… I can’t. I don’t deserve you. Do you remember when you wrote that you wanted a woman who could illuminate the darkest parts of you?” Miller nodded. “That’s not me. How can I offer you light when I’ve spent my entire life in the dark?”

“That is precisely why you shine, Love. One would never see the stars without the night sky. Without dark looming behind dusk, one can’t appreciate the sunset. Even in death, one tunnels through the dark until they see the light.” Miller reached up and gripped her arms tightly. “You’re my stars, my sunset, and my light at the end of the tunnel. Please, let me love you.”

“I don’t deserve it. I’ve done horrible things, and you’re in the public spotlight. What will people think of you then?”

“Stop saying that. I’m the one who doesn’t deserve you, but I selfishly want you anyway. I’m not concerned with the public’s opinion. I don’t give a shit what people think of me. As for your past, I know what happened. You killed your father. You were eight-years-old, Love, and it was self-defense. You need to forgive yourself.”

How does he know that? I’ve never told him
.

The records were sealed and Hadley changed her last name. The news clippings and other media were still around. If one were to dig into it, they could find them, which of course Miller must have done. Hadley couldn’t be mad at him. She knew a man in his position had many moochers. He had to be careful. She understood. As for forgiveness, she’d tried for eighteen years.

It may never come.

“I murdered him…I…oh, God…my mother…I…Miller.” She choked. “But that’s only a small piece of my past. It’s not the worst part. There’s so much more.”

“Hush—shhh—don’t talk.” His hands held her face firmly as he looked directly into her eyes. “We can talk later. For now, I want to hold you. Would that be okay?”

Hadley nodded in his hands.

Miller stood from the floor and scooped her up into his arms. He walked to the side of the bed and set her down in the center. She curled up on her side, watching him as he removed his shirt and belt. The soft cotton undershirt he wore fit snuggly, showing off his nicely sculpted chest and biceps. His slacks hung loose on his hips. Miller was tall, broad shouldered, and beautiful, and he was hers, if only she could bring herself to accept him.

Miller pulled something from his pocket and placed it in her hand, folding her fingers over the object before she could see it. Hadley looked to him with wide curious eyes.