Cyrus (9 page)
“Not yet.”
I sat and drank my beer, Carly was staring
at me, “You need a ride home, C?”
“No Jase is sleeping in the spare room. We
thought …I thought you’d find her.”
“I will.”
“So, you like her?”
“She’s cool.”
“What do you mean she’s cool? Cyrus… you had
sex with her!”
“I’ve had sex with a lot of chicks Carly,
that….”
“But you like Tara, and not just because
she’s
cool
.”
“Hey--- hold up there. I have rules Carly. I
don’t DO relationships.”
“Why Cyrus?”
I really didn’t want to have this
conversation with her, “I’m tired C, I have a long day ahead of me.
I promise I’ll bring your friend home.” I started to stand.
“George told me about her Cyrus, everything.
Females are emotional to begin with, you saved her from him,
she…”
“She fucking left! I was trying to help her
out, I didn’t know any of that shit, Carly.”
“Did you ask you idiot?! Before you fucked
her, did you even bother to ask?!”
“I told her the drill Carly, she was more
than fucking willing! When I confronted her on it she was real
fucking happy that she got to choose, that that sick fucker who
…”
“What the fuck is going on in here?” Jase
walked out rubbing his eyes.
“Your brother…”
“Your wife…”
Carly and I started talking at the same
time. We looked at each other and stopped.
“Let me explain something to you both, I
don’t go out looking to fuck innocent young ladies. She’s a
stripper for fuck sake, so this shit you’ve both pulled on me is
not okay! I’m trying to find her, I told her I would keep her safe,
take care of the fucking brand he put on her body, and make sure
the wound from that animal pulling out one of her rings was tended
to! I didn’t ask for this shit, but I will fucking take care of
it!”
“You asked for it Cyrus, you went there
looking for her. After you told us you’d stay put….”
“I went there after he fucked with our shop
Jase! He came in there with her and fucking marked her, rubbing the
shit in my face….”
“Because you came onto her at the bar,” it
was like nails on a chalkboard when Carly made that statement. “You
put her in this situation…”
“No shit C! And I’m gonna fix it, I tried to
fix it. She took off!”
“Well now look what you’ve done! Do you have
any idea what someone like her, someone who has lived her life…you
care about her, you seeked her out Cyrus!”
“I wanted to fuck her Carly! And I did…”
“Why can’t you just admit it!”
“Okay Baby that’s enough for …”
“No Jase! No!”
I watched Jase pull his new wife against his
chest as she cried. He looked at me and closed his eyes as he held
her, comforting her.
That shit hurt to watch, “You both know your
way out. I need a couple hours of sleep before I go looking for her
again. I’m a man of my word, Carly! I’ll find her and help her, but
I don’t do relationships, and this is why, I will not fucking break
someone ever again.”
I walked into the bathroom and hopped in the
shower, I didn’t wanna be in this bathtub, or this fucking house.
But what the hell could I do right now,
fuck!
When I walked out Jase was standing outside
the door, “You’ll find her and whatever I can do to help I
will.”
I looked towards the door and Carly stood
waiting for Jase, she looked at me a little differently and it
pissed me off, “You better not have said a word bro, that’s my
shit.”
“What happened back then was not…”
“I’m serious Jase, my past-- my shit. If you
told her you better make sure she keeps her mouth shut.” I slammed
my bedroom door and set my alarm. In three hours I needed to get up
and plan out what to do next.
~
The next two days I avoided Jase and Momma.
I visited at least a dozen places, all the same. Tara Gardner was a
good girl, never caused trouble, kept to herself. So many fucking
times I wanted to ask why the fuck then did they not make her part
of their family. I was growing real tired of looking at the little
hopeful eyes in the homes I visited, knowing that more than half of
them would be lost and alone someday just like I knew she was.
When I finally came home it’d been three
days since I’d felt any sort of peace, three days since I knew she
was safe. Three days since I’d been able to look in the mirror and
see the man I wanted to be, the man I promised my father I would
be. Now the reflection shone hollow, angry, and self-loathing.
I showered and thought about what George had
said, “Tony didn’t have her, maybe she just needed to be
alone.”
She had been alone for fifteen fucking years
and I knew damn well I couldn’t offer much more than friendship,
but I would also make sure she was safe. I dried off and went into
my room. Nickey wasn’t around much, I assumed he was staying at
Miss Septembers giving me space, he knew I wasn’t in a good place
and I was real thankful for that shit. I didn’t need to hear the
two of them and be reminded of the last time I got laid. ‘Cause I’m
pretty sure after this, I’d be doing background checks on every
piece of ass I even looked at twice.
Birdie where the fuck are you?
Was a
question I found myself thinking of a lot, at least five times in a
minute. I needed to know she was alright, and I swear after I found
her I was gonna more than make up for the three sexless days I’d
spent since she took off. It wouldn’t be her, but you bet your ass
I would be thinking about those green eyes rolling back as she was
perched on top of my cock.
Fuck!
I flopped back on my bed and stared at the
ceiling I reached down and adjusted myself and it felt pretty damn
good. I bent my knees and flattened my feet on my bed and grabbed a
hold of my cock and slowly stroked myself up and down turning my
hand. I used my other hand to rub my tip and that felt real nice. I
reached down and gave my balls a tug and rolled them in my hand,
Birdie you’re fucking with me hard
. I moved faster and my
grip tightened picturing her tight little cunt strangling my cock
like it had just three nights ago. My hips moved, and I let my
knees fall apart as I thought if Birdie perched on me fucking me.
Bouncing up and down on my cock.
I needed moisture. I was gonna rub myself
raw but I didn’t want to stop, not when I could see her in my head
so clearly. I spit in my hand and continued stroking myself. I
changed hands when my wrist got sore and I continued pumping myself
in one hand and rolling my balls and giving them an occasional tug
in the other.
My body tightened, the muscles in my legs
and ass tensed as I hammered my cock up and down faster, harder,
tightening my grip. I could see those green eyes, hear her moans in
my head and I swear white hot lightening shot through my body.
Sweat formed above my brow and I had to grind my teeth to stop from
calling out her fucking name. I sat up quickly, pumping harder,
faster, until I came so fucking hard my jizz shot all over my
chest. I slowed down savoring each stroke and then laid back down
trying to catch my breath.
When I had calmed down I grabbed tissues and
cleaned up the mess
, fucking Birdie
!
I started to get back up to toss the damn
tissues when there was a knock at the door.
“Yeah?”
Other than your mother whose voice do you
not want to hear with a handful of tissues covered in cum and a
sticky fucking chest? That’s right…your sister in law.
“Cyrus, did you find…” the door swung open
and I had just enough time to cover myself and hide the evidence
that I had just jerked off.
“Carly, give me a minute, would ya?”
She scampered out of the room and if I
wasn’t naked covering myself with a damn pillow I would’ve chased
her ass out the front door.
I threw on some clothes and stormed out
Carly was standing with her hands on her hips, “You’re having sex
with her!”
Awe fuck, “No Carly I was…”
“So Tara is missing and you’re in there
having sex with some bimbo! Do you even care that…”
“I’m gonna say this one fucking time Carly,
I wasn’t having sex with anyone, no one is here…”
“Do I look stupid to you! You’re naked,
all…you know…covering….it…”
“I was fucking jerking off!” Carly’s hand
covered her mouth and she looked as embarrassed as I was, “We done
here Carly?”
Carly tried to compose herself, “You like
her….”
“We’re not doing this again Carly,” I
warned.
“You know it wasn’t your fault, what
happened to…”
I didn’t wanna hear that my brother betrayed
my trust, “You need to stop there because if he ran his mouth to
you, he’s not my …”
“He loves you Cyrus, we want you to be
happy.”
“Enough!”
She jumped when I yelled, which made me feel
like shit but I was still pissed.
“Cyrus, I’ve known you for…”
“You don’t know me Carly, you don’t know
shit. I’ve had it, I’m getting little to no sleep, stressed out,
and no fucking clue where I’m going tomorrow. I’ve been everywhere
Tara has lived in fifteen years. …”
“Where do you go Cyrus? When you’re looking
for answers to questions you can’t even comprehend, where do you
go?”
I must have looked at her like she had three
heads because she looked away, “Look Carly, call Jase, get home.
This is my mess…”
“You care about her Cyrus…”
“No, I’m a man of my word. I told her I’d
help her, nothing more nothing less.”
“No, you actively seeked her out, you went
there looking for her. You….”
“God damn it Carly! I wanted to fuck her
alright! I don’t do relationships, so get whatever romantic notion
you have going on in your head, right the fuck out.”
“You deserve to have love, Cyrus. What
happened wasn’t your fault, you deserve love.”
She fucking hugged me when I was irate,
ballsy as hell but it pissed me off. Then she walked out the
door.
I couldn’t love someone after what I had
done to my girl all those years ago. I didn’t wanna feel that way
ever again.
I woke up wondering if I’d really slept at
all, but it didn’t matter I had shit to do. I showered, dressed and
looked out the window. I walked out the bedroom door onto the deck
and leaned against the railing looking at the ocean
.
Fucking Carly
! Like a smack in the
head I realized where to look next.
I don’t know how long I stood in front of
the house I barely remember in Red Hook, New York. My memories were
not in a pink baby book, or a pretty little picture album like the
ones all of the biological children of the homes in which I had
lived. I wasn’t sure if the things that were familiar were memories
of mine… or something I’d read in my file.
What I know for sure is: I’ll always
remember the bright lights and the deafening sound of metal
colliding and breaking glass. I’ll always remember waking up sore
and scared at the hospital emergency room with a woman sitting
beside me. I read she responded to the emergency call on a very
cold winter’s night, over fifteen years ago. She wore a uniform of
some sort but I wasn’t sure she if she was a policewoman or a
fireperson, I just know she stayed. She was a black woman, probably
in her early twenties. She was very pretty, but had a sad smile,
sad eyes, and a very warm comforting hug.
She stayed with me in that hospital. She
explained to me that I was in an accident and that I had a broken
arm and had a few stitches. I remember her telling me that my
parents loved me. I often wondered how a stranger could know that.
How anyone could know what love truly was.
The house was smaller than I remember and
looked like it had been empty for a very long time. If I went in
I’m sure no on would notice, but it was wrong. After probably an
hour of standing there without a car passing on this back country
road it started to rain. Id taken Cyrus’s sweatshirt that had been
used as a blanket for the past two nights while I slept in the
small park just outside of the village. I pulled it over my head to
keep dry. I hadn’t gone in fearing I would be caught or upset
someone but now the source of my warmth was getting wet.
I walked around back and sat on the old
broken boards that was a porch long ago. It wasn’t really shelter
but it was better than getting rained on. The days were fine, but
the nights were getting cold. I sat curled up trying to stay
warm.
If I had stayed in New Jersey, I would’ve
probably gone back to the city and stayed in an abandoned home so I
wasn’t sure why this felt wrong to me but it did. Tony would’ve
probably found me. I was now frightened of him, ashamed of myself
for what I had let him convince me was alright, and embarrassed to
ever show my face to the man who had shown me a way out. A man who
wanted to return me to the people who loved me.
Cyrus was a good man, even though he was
angry at me… I understood why. He didn’t trust me and if I am
honest with myself, I didn’t trust me either, not around him. It
was too comfortable and I felt too safe. It was hard enough to stay
away from Tony, even though he hurt me, he showed me more love than
anyone else had—that I could remember anyway. He wanted me to
succeed, and until a few days ago I thought it was because he loved
me.
The wind started to pick up, and the rain
did too. I was cold and tired and wet. I turned the door knob: it
wasn’t locked. I grabbed my bag and pushed the door open, it
creaked loudly. I walked into the kitchen, and immediately realized
no one lived here. I felt certain no one would be here anytime
soon. I tried the light switch and of course, it didn’t work. There
was a small table covered in years of dust. I looked around the
room and closed my eyes really tight. I imagined that nothing had
changed. I imagined that I was five years old, and they were here
with me.