Damned and Desirable (Eternally Yours Book 2) (6 page)

We were latchkey kids, so my mom never made it home until after six p.m. Tutoring started at four. That was plenty of time for my sister to lock me out of the house and lose her virginity. For two long weeks, I imagined myself a beetle, curling into a ball on my front porch. I pretended their moans, which leaked through the thin windowpanes like steam rising from a boiling pot, didn’t affect me. But they had. Even though I’d never told my sister I had a crush on James, I still felt the sting of their betrayal. Nobody had asked me if I minded waiting on the porch steps while they had sex. Nobody asked me if my heart was breaking with each ear-piercing squeak of my sister’s box springs.

My mom had confronted me when I brought home another failing quiz, and I finally broke down and told her exactly what was happening during my tutoring sessions. My sister never forgave me, and I never forgave her for stealing my crush.

Aedan knelt in front of me, clasping my hands in his warm grip. “Ash, sweetheart, you okay?”

I looked at him through a curtain of tears, realizing I’d let myself get lost in my emotions. Guess that beetle thing didn’t work, because my shell had cracked, and I was nothing more than a rejected middle-school kid.

He handed me a tissue, and I used it to dab my eyes. I thought of Sarge, who’d used his thumb to wipe my tears, and I wondered why Aedan hadn’t done the same. It all went back to my insecurities over Mar. I couldn’t shake the feeling he loved a memory far more than me.

“You’re only with me because I look like her,” I said on a sob, biting down on my knuckles to keep more tears from falling.

He shook his head. “That’s not true.”

“Then why? Am I supposed to believe all the kissing and groping and credits were because you fell in love at first sight?”

Aedan’s shoulders slumped with his sigh. “I’ll admit, when I first saw you I was taken by your similarities to Marie, but that’s not why I’m here now.”

I leaned forward, eyeing him intently, wanting so badly to know the truth but fearing it as well. “Tell me why you’re here, Aedan.”

“I’m here because I couldn’t imagine spending eternity without you.”

My hand flew to my heart, trying to quell the heavy banging that ricocheted in my eardrums, drowning out all other sounds in the room. I wanted to believe his soft smile and heartfelt gaze were sincere, but there was something nagging the back of my conscience that I couldn’t let go.

“I don’t understand why you didn’t just ascend to Heaven with Mar. Didn’t you love her?”

Aedan tensed, the veins in his neck rising like raging torrents, threatening to burst through his tanned flesh. “Mar’s resented me for over a hundred years. Her sister Katherine went to hell, and Mar blames me for it.” The fatigue in his eyes reflected a century of sorrow. I knew then he’d pined for her, and maybe he still did.

The thudding in my heart subsided to a dull hammer pounding away at a rusty tin, not hard enough to break it but enough to dent it out of shape. “Why is that your fault?”

“I couldn’t save her on the night a hurricane claimed our lives.”

My hand flew to my throat. “You died in a hurricane?”

He sighed. “Drowned in the surge.”

Oh. That explained his hydrophobia. I thought how frightening his death would have been, caught up in the wind and waves, and for the first time appreciated my brief blow-dryer accident. But I still didn’t understand why it was his duty to look after Mar’s sister. “And Mar expected you to take care of Katherine?”

“Of course. She was my wife.”

“Oh,” I barely mouthed the words. Aedan couldn’t marry Mar, so he married her sister instead. What did that make me? Rebound victim number two? Or were there other Murphys in-between?

Aedan’s wife obviously wasn’t nice if she’d been sent to the fiery pit of doom. Disregard the fact that I’d been assigned to level two in Purgatory, which was just a few credits away from burning in eternal damnation.

“Why did she get sent to hell?” I asked on a shaky breath, almost afraid to know the answer. I still couldn’t wrap my head around Aedan’s wife being cast down to Hell.

His gaze flickered to me, and then he looked away, but in that fraction of a second I caught the intensity of a thousand hurricanes swirling in his eyes.

He rose with stiff legs, a dark shadow falling over his features as he looked down at me. “She was a lying whore.”

Without another word, he turned and walked out the door. Well, shit. I thought about following him, but I figured we’d torn through enough raw wounds for one evening, wounds that after a century still hadn’t healed and I feared never would.

I did not go down to dinner with the other Alphas that evening. Not that my snooty team members missed me. They were probably relieved they could enjoy their caviar and champagne without having to look upon the “Undeserving One,” as I’d heard a few of them whisper behind my back more than once. No, I much preferred sulking in the privacy of my bedroom than pretending to enjoy dinner while trying to figure out which fork to use for the salad.

After Aedan had completely ripped my heart out and crushed it to an unrecognizable blob, I didn’t have an appetite, anyway. Sure, he patched up my heart a little with his admission that he couldn’t imagine eternity without me, but it wasn’t enough to convince me he didn’t still love Mar. And then there was the whole weird thing with his wife. He seemed to have an obsession with MacLeod/Murphy women. I still hadn’t decided if that was a good or bad thing. I doubted I’d pay him a special visit tonight. Call me a coward, but I just couldn’t stand the thought of Aedan making love to me while thinking of another woman.

I sipped a diet Dr. Pepper and sank against my pillow as I watched Jackie Chan kick a villain’s ass. Usually, if anyone could brighten my mood, it was Jackie’s colorful antics and amazing, ball-busting skills. But not that day. Speaking of Jackie, Boner still hadn’t come back with my dog, and I sure could have used some cozy cuddles and sloppy kisses. I put Chan on pause as his foot was about to go into some guy’s chest, slipped on a pair of jeans, and trudged downstairs.

Our ghosting unit was on lockdown, on call in case of a ghosting emergency, which meant I couldn’t leave the house at all. Usually, being on call meant sitting around and dying a second death of boredom. I hadn’t gone on a ghosting assignment with my team yet, and I didn’t look forward to it.

I thought back to the time my friends from Delta House and I scared a group of punks at the cemetery. That night was awesome. That was the night Sarge told me I was beautiful. I briefly wondered if I reminded Sarge of a girl he’d left on Earth, or if he truly liked me for me. Then I wondered if I should have chosen Sarge instead of Aedan, but I quickly dispelled that thought. As much as I hated to admit it, my foolish heart yearned for Aedan. How many jerks would have to break it before I wised up?

I went downstairs to the common room, where fifteen ghosters and three Grims were expected to share one phone. Yeah, as nice as the digs were at Alpha House, technology was still at least twenty years behind, pretty much a recurring theme in Purgatory. As usual, Margo Styles was hogging the phone, twirling a lock of her long silver hair around her finger while she laughed into the receiver. I cringed and fled. Margo’s laugh made her sound like a cross between a dying cat and the Bride of Chucky, and my poor eardrums were the chalkboard to her ten-inch, stainless-steel nails.

Okay, so no calling Boner at Delta House. That left only one viable option. I’d have to go get my dog myself. There was just one problem. If I left, I’d be violating orders, which would have been just fine for my old self, but my new self was a good girl, and good girls followed the rules.

But I could literally run over to Delta House and run back in twenty minutes, thanks to Sarge, who had somehow miraculously managed to get me to enjoy running and help tighten the extra fluff on my thighs. Since most of the Alphas were generally unsocial and kept to themselves, nobody would miss me if I snuck out the back. I could see Delta House from my bedroom balcony, nestled at the bottom of a verdant hill right at the edge of a pine forest. It was about a third the size of Alpha House, with worn wooden shudders and this quaint façade that reminded me of a cross between a classic Victorian and a pre-modern hillbilly. If the house had been painted stark grey instead of bright greens and yellows, it could have passed for an Addams Family retreat. But despite the quirkiness of its exterior and the weirdness of its residents, I had felt so much more at home there than in my fancy luxury suite at Alpha House.

Honestly, I could have marched into the common room and demanded Margot get off the phone. I could have called Boner and asked him to bring my Jack back. But then I wouldn’t have seen my old friends at Delta House. I wouldn’t get the chance to walk across the squeaky floorboards and watch Delta’s resident psychic, Basil, hunt for imaginary flies. And I wouldn’t have gotten one more chance to see Sarge. Just a quick “hello” and a hug goodbye, just to see if that spark I’d felt earlier could be rekindled. Hopefully, the flame had been extinguished, reminding me that I’d made the right choice in picking Aedan, even if he’d chosen me for the wrong reasons.

As long as there wasn’t a spark, I could take Jack home and go to bed in peace. I’d tell myself I was devoted to the right guy, even if he was bound to break my heart. But if I still felt something for Sarge—a longing to wrap my arms around his neck and run my fingers through that thick, coarse hair, a need to feel his body pressed against mine while savoring the taste of his kiss—I wouldn’t act on my desires, not until I made the trek back up the hill to Alpha House and broke it off with Aedan. Because despite all my flaws that had somehow earned me barely enough credits to get into the bottom rung of Purgatory, I was not a cheater. I would tell Aedan to try to make peace with Marie, that she was obviously better suited for him than I was, and then I’d seek solace in Sarge’s arms. Only that plan didn’t seem right, either, seeking comfort from another when I couldn’t have my first choice. Sarge was a good guy, and he deserved better than what Aedan had done to me.

Awww, screw it! I’m going to Delta House.

My old bad girl self kicked my new good girl self to the curb, and without another thought, I cast a furtive glance over my shoulder to make sure nobody was watching and padded down the hall. The nearest exit was through the garden room, and it was definitely that, only instead of growing real stuff we could eat, Shadow cultivated all kinds of exotic flowers and strange, spindly plants. The place was like a rainforest, some of the plants taller than me, overshadowing the wicker furniture and four glass cabinets that held dozens of antique tea sets.

I slipped inside the room, the humidity hitting me like a fog, and closed the stained-glass door carefully. Thankfully, all of the hinges at Alpha House were squeak-free and the door didn’t stick. I backed up and slowly turned around, ready to make a run for it, and I saw Shadow sitting in an oversized, white wicker chair, staring at me over the rim of his porcelain tea cup.

I plastered on my best impassive expression, praying he hadn’t noticed my “Oh, shit, I’ve been caught” face. Smiling, I smoothed a hand down my jeans and strolled over to him.

He was drinking tea and eating scones while reading The Trumpeteer, Purgatory’s leading newspaper. He assessed me before setting his tea cup and paper down, the whites of his eyes standing out against his dark skin. It was so hard to gauge what he was thinking because he always had this disinterested, smug expression. I couldn’t tell if he was pissed, annoyed, or bored. Of one thing I was certain, he was far from impressed.

“Good evening, Ashley.” He dabbed the corners of his mouth with a cloth napkin before folding it and setting it on the table.

“Hi.” I made a big show of waving as I crept toward him, knowing full well I had guilt plastered all over my face.

His assessing gaze traveled the length of my body. “Where are you off to this evening?”

No sense in lying, and no, I wasn’t trying to be a good girl again. I just got this creepy feeling Shadow would know if I wasn’t telling the truth. “I’m going to get Jack at Delta House.” I thumbed toward the french doors behind me. “I’ll be right back.”

He stood and walked up to me, his lanky frame towering over me like a bent pine. “Ashley, when we’re on lockdown, you are not to leave this house for any reason.” He spoke to me like I was Jack and I’d just been caught drag racing my ass across the carpet.

I put my hands together in a prayer pose, trying to channel my best pitiful puppy expression as I looked up at him with wide eyes. “I’m a really fast runner. I promise I’ll be back in twenty.”

I crossed my fingers he’d say yes, even though I knew it was a long shot.

He heaved a sigh, shaking his head, his eyes filling with a mixture of annoyance and maybe something else, as his thin lips pulled back into a smile. Was that humor? He probably thought I was an idiot.

“Delta House is a quarter mile away,” he said. “What if we’re summoned to a ghosting?”

“Margot is hogging the phone. How am I supposed to get my dog?” As I jutted my hands on my hips and pouted, I realized I was acting about half of my twenty-nine years. I couldn’t help it. My existence sucked. I was trapped inside my home, a slave to my job, and stuck in a relationship that was built on lies. For my own peace of mind, I needed to get the hell out, even if it was for a quick jog to a house down the road. Couldn’t Shadow see I was going crazy here?