Dance of Death (40 page)

HUDSON: I want to thank you, Renee, for your input in this book during these many months. Is there anything else you would like to add?

 

POOLE: First of all, I want to say I knew this would be difficult, but just how difficult I never would have guessed. There are so many aspects of my life in which I'm not proud of and am even embarrassed by now. I'd much rather forget many things in my past as I'm not the same person I once was. There's no point in me dodging your questions or being untruthful about my answers. I hope that my story
does
help someone else not fall into the same trap I found myself in. And unlike a lot of people in this world, I've realized my mistakes and I've changed things about myself. I've grown and become a better person because I
have
learned from my past. I just hope this book helps people to understand why I made the choices I did.

 

HUDSON: Was John Boyd Frazier your husband's killer?

 

POOLE: The night I told the detectives I was certain it was John is because of the pressure everyone was putting on me. I just wanted them to all shut up and leave me alone. To this day, I don't feel it was John. And I'm sorry I put him through all of this. I felt if I told them what they wanted to hear they'd leave me alone long enough to grieve. As it was, I was still in shock. And, yes, it angered me that my attorney was asking me as many questions as the police. He was leaving the country in a few hours and just wanted to hurry up and be done. So I guess we had that in common. We just wanted to be left alone.

 

HUDSON: John Frazier said you told him that Brent sexually abused you during your trip to Chicago. Is that true?

 

POOLE: No, Brent didn't rape me in the shower while in Chicago. As a matter of fact, the sex we had there was awesome; the best we had shared in a long time. What I believe John was referring to was that there were times (though few and far between) that I simply didn't want to be touched at all. Brent would ironically choose those times to
want
to touch me. He'd continuously ask me to have sex and I'd tell him no (for whatever reason, I didn't feel like it) and he'd do it anyway. Brent never physically abused me. He
would
verbally, mentally and emotionally abuse me, though. That is why my self-esteem remained low to nonexistent.

 

HUDSON: Are you aware that Bruce Wolford had mailed a copy of you and him having sexual relations to the Myrtle Beach police after you were arrested?

 

POOLE: No, I was not. I was under the impression that the police had confiscated the tape. Why would he do something like that? I don't know. He's a coward. I don't know why he and Courtney divorced, but the rumor mill is that she found out he killed Brent and he tampered with her [car] and caused her to wreck. And that she left him when she felt he was trying to kill her, too.

I don't know if there is any truth to it—because I've been locked up for almost eight years—but Bruce is a control freak. Courtney seemed like she was a lot like me—weak, spineless, willing to do whatever it took to keep the men in our lives happy. Maybe that was just the last straw for her.

I didn't know until recently that Bruce was attempting to be the first in line to collect the reward money on Brent's murder. Figures, though. He was trying to get the heat off and away from himself obviously. Creep. I still don't know for a fact that Bruce killed Brent (I just know what I've been told), but if he did, then he won't get away with it. Not with John and I sitting in prison for so long and neither of us having anything to do with it. The truth will come out eventually and I hope they show him no mercy. He destroyed my life.

 

HUDSON: After you had been arrested, there was a rumor circulating that someone had posted nude pictures of you on the Internet. Did that upset you?

 

POOLE: Absolutely. As I have said all along, I'm not proud of the things I've done in my past and whoever would stoop so low as to do that is the scum of the earth. I'm quite sure they wouldn't want the same thing done to them. The main reason it would upset me is because I've changed and I'm no longer the same person.

 

HUDSON: If you could live your life over again and change anything, what would it be?

 

POOLE: I would have never spent the night with my friend when I was twelve. I believe it was the night that guy took advantage of me is what led to me being promiscuous. It was after he had raped me that I felt I had no self-worth and set a pattern of attempting to fill the emptiness within me through sexual behavior. I see sex now as a temporary fix, as drugs or alcohol would be to an addict. All of that negative thinking influenced me to engage in extramarital affairs, whether at Brent's request or at my own choosing. I'd seen infidelity while growing up and when you see it and don't know any different, you believe that it is okay. I'd wish I'd known long ago how it would affect your perception of self-value and self-worth.

 

HUDSON: You state you were raped at a young age. Did this cloud your perception of sex in any way?

 

POOLE: My first sexual experience ruined my perception of how lovemaking should be. I felt as if it was just the act of doing it, the motions. It had no real meaning to me. I had no meaning. So, yeah, I developed a need to be loved. I wanted more than to just be used. That's what I thought I was put on earth for. It's taken me years to realize that I loved Brent—still do—and in his own way I know he loved me, too. But by the things he made me do sexually, it only confirmed in my mind that I wasn't here for any other reason than to please people. If there is any advice I can give to young ladies who want to become sexually active, don't lower your self-worth for a few months of pleasure. In this day and age, advertising agencies use sex to sell their products as that is the greatest thing if life, but there's a lot more to life than that. Realize who you are and know that you have value. You're just not an object. I don't ever regret becoming pregnant. Katie's the best thing that's ever happened to me. But there are many young girls who aren't ready to become mothers. There's that risk and there's the risk of STDs, AIDS, et cetera. It's not worth it. No one should put themselves in that position to be used like a porcelain doll, taken down to be played with, then cast aside until the need to play hits again.

 

HUDSON: Danny Shrewsbury, what does the name mean to you?

 

POOLE: Ha, ha. There's a name for you. What a joke! That's one of the things in life where you ask yourself, “What was I thinking?” Yes, Danny proposed to me, but it wasn't the night of my graduation as the Pooles implied. It was well after that. Yes, I accepted. And why? I have no clue, because there was no way in hell I'd leave Brent for him. It may have been because I didn't want to hurt his feelings. It's got to be a blow to the ego to be shot down and I felt sorry for him in that respect.

Danny bought me two things. Actually, it was a pair of earrings he bought from some pawnshop that he had made into a ring and a necklace . . . which equaled out to be two things.

No, I wasn't an exhibitionist. I was a stripper, so naturally I had to become comfortable in my nudity. Danny took pictures of me in my dance costumes, but I don't recall ever being totally nude. He said he wanted to make a portfolio for me. At one time, I considered trying out for modeling, but couldn't afford to have a professional portfolio made. So, yes, I agreed to let Danny take those pictures of me. This occurred when Brent was neglecting me and the attention was welcome. I've never really been “body shy,” because though I may be small in size, I have a decent body. No stretch marks from my pregnancy or anything like that. After seeing other women naked, I've become proud of my body. It's not perfect, but it's nothing to be ashamed of, either. Many people considered it (nudity) art and it is as long as it's respectful.

 

HUDSON: How about the name Robert Cummings?

 

POOLE: Hee, hee. Yes, Robert is the redheaded guy who's ultrafeminine. I think he may be gay, but he's not. Maybe it's just he doesn't have a lot of testosterone. Anyway, Robert was my first
real
boyfriend. I was with him the whole while I was being raped by another guy. Robert was my bad influence. I met him and my grades went downhill. I developed his “who cares” attitude. Anyway, he wasn't much in the looks department, but he sure knew how to charm someone. Eventually I learned it was all lies, though. With Robert, everything was a lie. We broke up and I'd see him around town every now and then. The last time I ran into him was when I went to get my navel pierced. He was in the tattoo parlor about to get a new tattoo. He gave me his number and told me to call him. I called him and we started hanging out. If I went shopping or whatever he'd tag along and help me. It's hard to shop with a two-year-old.

Anyway, Robert was strange. He has this thing for vampires, which I happen to like vampires myself. But he thought he
was
one. With the fake teeth and the fake blood, he had tried to convince people he was one. I let him believe I was convinced, because it was funny the things he would say and do. So, that's Robert.

 

HUDSON: Do you ever feel guilty or responsible for what happened to Brent?

 

POOLE: In a way, I do. I mean, I know that I didn't have anything to do with it, but all of the “if only's” pop up and it makes me wish I'd been the one shot that night. Had I stood up to Brent and not done the things he asked of me, we would never have been in the situation we ended up in. If only I had more of a backbone. If only . . . if only . . . if only . . . there are so many things that I wish had or hadn't occurred that could have prevented what happened. We could have stayed in that room instead of going out.

 

HUDSON: I was told you had suicidal thoughts?

 

POOLE: The reasons I cut myself and have frequent suicidal thoughts is because I can't handle being away from Katie and my family—all because I am a victim of a crime. I've seen Katie once in 6½ years. I never had a chance to grieve over Brent. I miss them both terribly. The worse things I've ever done in my whole life is commit adultery and I think I've paid the price for that several times over. The two of them are my reasons for living. Brent is dead and Katie is being turned against me and my family by the Pooles' lies. So I feel I have no reason to keep living. The
only
reason I've not ended my life is because I hope that one day Katie will come to me for the truth and I have to be there to tell her or she'll never know.

There's a song that Brent and I used to listen to often, I can't remember the name of it because it's been so long since I've heard it. But it reminds me of him and I catch myself singing it often.

“Who's the one that makes you happy/Oh, baby/Who's the one always on your mind?/And who is the reason you're living for?/Who's the reason for your smile?”

When I sing that song, I think “Brent was the reason.” Since he's no longer here, I keep his memory close to my heart. The song's meaning has transferred over to Katie and it reminds me that she is now the reason.

 

HUDSON: My assumption is you miss being a mother?

 

POOLE: When Katie was two months old, she was admitted to the hospital for an infection that started in her eye. She had to have her tear ducts opened surgically. I refused to leave the hospital while she was there. My mom would come and give me a break occasionally to smoke and to bring me food. I slept in a chair beside her bed until [she] was well enough to come home. The purpose of me telling you this is because Agnes used to brag to her friends about how good of a mother I was, how I was careful to read the labels on all chemicals before I used them while pregnant so I wouldn't harm Katie. Then, all of a sudden, I'm unfit to see my child or even have any times to her because of what happened to Brent. I send Katie cards, letters and other various things I've made for her. Mom keeps them in a box for her. When she's old enough to want them, she can read them and see that I love her and know she's my sole reason for living. Mom has sent copies of these to Katie, but we doubt she's ever seen them.

I know that Craig and his wife, Amy, wouldn't let Agnes keep their kids overnight for some reason. Brent told me he talked to Craig to find out why, but he never got the whole story. He was killed before he found out everything. The part he did find out was that Agnes blamed Craig for her marital problems with Bill. When he was in mechanics' school, she didn't even want him coming home on the weekends. One weekend he came home to find Agnes sitting in a chair rocking back and forth crying, with a gun in her hand. She meant to commit suicide, but apparently Craig stopped her. Now I'm thinking that's why Craig wouldn't let his kids stay overnight. She's unstable. We were always told that Bill Poole's had a brother who had committed rape and murder in Texas and was executed for rape and murder. But that's all the dirt I can dig up, as I said they never talked about their family.

 

HUDSON: How does one who was so sexually active for such a long time fare in prison?

 

POOLE: Well . . . I'm not
nearly
as interested in sex as I was at home. As I've said, I have found some self-worth. Occasionally the urge will hit and I'll masturbate. I do have a “girlfriend” that I've been with for over a year. Julie and I have been intimate a few times, but our relationship isn't based on that. She's my best friend, the one whom I can count on to help me when I feel depressed. I've told her more about myself than anyone (except for you). Our relationship is based on emotions. What Brent and I should have had and were lacking. If we had had that, then none of these things in our relationship would have happened. He wouldn't have made me do the things he did. I've grown up a lot and am developing true self-esteem. I have respect for myself that I never had at home. I've come to realize what I felt for myself at home was a false front. It was what was expected of me. Now I have my own feelings. I see women in here who still act the way they did at home—jumping from one relationship to another. I've changed in that respect. I like my solitude and have discovered that I didn't like myself the way I was at home. Though I do have a relationship with Julie, it's not at all like my relationships at home. I feel loved because she doesn't want just sex, she's interested in me as a person. It makes a difference.