Dancing Naked (27 page)

“Do you want to feed her?” the nurse asked. “And change her diaper?” She’d come up beside Kia, carrying another baby. “I could use the help tonight.”

“Yeah, sure,” Kia answered. Putting the baby down, she unwrapped her and pulled up the tiny hospital gown. Her skin was a beautiful tan color, just as she had imagined. She counted the fingers and toes again. She changed
the diaper and then studied the remains of the umbilical cord that was once attached to her own body. Then she dressed her and wrapped her up tightly.

“You won’t need the mask, not for your own baby,” the nurse said. “But it’s always a good idea to wash your hands first. The formula and bottles are over on the counter. You can get yourself started.”

Kia lay Brenna back down while she washed her hands and fixed the bottle. She had resumed crying by the time Kia got back to her, but, once again, just the sound of Kia’s voice was enough to make her stop.

This time it was much easier to make herself comfortable in the rocking chair, with a smaller, softer stomach to contend with. Kia pushed the nipple into her baby’s mouth and began to rock the chair. She felt complete. She hoped Brenna would take forever to drink the formula.

The nurse came over with another baby and they sat together again, just as they had the night before.

“How did it go today?” she asked Kia.

“It was hell. I’ll never do it again,” Kia answered.

“New moms always say that right after the birth, but it doesn’t take long to forget the pain. Mostly what you’ll remember is the miracle of having had a baby.”

Kia didn’t answer. In a day or two she wouldn’t have a baby any longer. She’d be left with only the bittersweet memories of the birth.

“Are you sore?” the nurse asked gently.

Kia nodded. “Oh, yeah.” Sore was putting it mildly.

“And have you started the pills to dry up your milk? Sometimes they make you feel a bit nauseous.”

“I took some,” she answered, “but when I came in
here I think I felt like ... like I had milk anyway.”

“That’s normal. It will take a few days for your body to figure out that it’s not required to make it.”

Kia nodded again. She and Brenna were looking right into each other’s eyes. She wished she could hold onto this moment forever. A few seconds later, though, the baby’s eyelids closed and Kia pulled the nipple out of her mouth, propped her on her shoulder and gently patted her back. Then she cradled her again and returned the nipple to her mouth. The baby sucked, but didn’t wake up.

“I’d swear she recognized my voice when I talked to her,” Kia said.

“It wouldn’t surprise me,” the nurse answered. “She’s been listening to you talk for months.”

They rocked in silence, even after Brenna had finished her bottle. Kia didn’t want to return to her lonely room.

Glancing out the window she noticed the huge moon again. It made her remember Grace, two floors up. That gave her an idea.

“I’m going to bring her back to my room,” Kia told the nurse.

“Are you sure, Kia? I’ll be watching her and a good night’s sleep is what you need.”

“I only have her for a short time. I can catch up on my sleep later.”

“It might be best, Kia,” the nurse said softly, “if you began separating from her now. You’re just going to make it harder on yourself.”

“I’ll take that chance,” Kia said, placing Brenna in her bassinet and pushing it toward the door.

The nurse put the other baby in its bed and opened the
door for Kia. She frowned as she watched her pass through, but said, “All the best, Kia. I’ll be thinking of you.”

Kia turned back. “Thanks.” She pushed the bassinet past the nurses’ station and into her room, but she didn’t climb into bed. Instead, she lifted Brenna out and then stepped back into the hallway. The coast was clear.

On the sixth floor, Kia padded silently down the hallway until she came to Grace’s room. She peeked in, expecting to find Grace asleep, but even in the darkened room Kia could see the bed was empty. She felt a pang of alarm.

“Hi, Kia. I’ve been expecting you.”

Kia peered into the corner. There was Grace, sitting in her wheelchair.

“Grace! What are you doing? You scared me!”

“I’ve been enjoying the full moon and thinking of you.” Her eyes settled on the bundle in Kia’s arms. “Ahh. You brought her. I was hoping you would.”

Kia moved closer to the old woman. “Let me take a peek,” Grace said.

Kia bent down and showed Grace the sleeping baby.

Grace smiled, and Kia was relieved to see it was the same old smile, strong and beautiful. “She’s every bit as perfect as I knew she would be. Hold her closer so I can smell her.”

Kia did as she was asked and Grace inhaled deeply. “There’s nothing purer than that,” she said. “It stirs up such beautiful memories.” They gazed quietly at the sleeping baby for a few more moments. “And how are you?”

“I’m okay. But how come you’re not in bed?”

“My back was sore tonight. I’d been lying flat for too many hours. I just had to get up. I’m sure someone will be here any minute to put me back in bed, but for now I’m enjoying the change of position.”

Kia nodded. She sat on the edge of the bed. “We’ve named her Brenna Grace,” she said.

Grace stared at Kia. “Really?”

Kia nodded.

Grace wiped her eyes. “I don’t know what to say.”

“Don’t say anything, Grace.”

They sat smiling at each other, their eyes filled with tears.

“I was hoping you’d come tonight,” Grace said finally. “I wanted to see you with my own eyes and know that you are okay. And now I can see that you are.”

“Oh, Grace. What about you? Are you okay?”

“I feel very peaceful, Kia. I really do. And look at that moon. Isn’t it lovely?”

Kia nodded.

“Makes you feel like dancing, doesn’t it?”

Kia could see the twinkle in Grace’s eyes. As sick as she was, Grace hadn’t lost her sense of humor. Kia decided to play along. “Then why don’t we?” she said. Standing up, she went over and carefully propped Brenna in the old lady’s lap. Then she moved around behind the wheelchair and gripped the handles. She pushed Grace and Brenna closer to the window, gently rocking the chair, like a slow dance.

“We need some music to dance to, Grace.”

“Perhaps you could sing something, Kia.”

“Are you kidding? Then you’d really get sick.”

“Try me.”

Kia looked out at the night. The soft light of the moon poured into the small room. The words to a song began to float into her head. She began to hum. Gently, she rocked the wheelchair and sang, very softly, “When universal mysteries, bring wonder in the night, creating peace and harmony, I’ll hold your spirit tight.” Kia cleared her throat and laughed self-consciously. “I warned you, didn’t I, Grace?”

“It’s a beautiful song, Kia. Don’t stop.”

Kia hesitated, swallowed hard, rocked the wheelchair some more and continued. “We’ll seek the full moon rising, like music from above, then dance to the beat of friendship, a lullaby of love.”

She had to stop again. It was a struggle to hold back the tears. She wished she’d chosen a different song.

“Keep going, Kia, please,” Grace pleaded.

So Kia continued, ignoring the warble in her voice. “We’ll whirl and sway together, until all dreams come true, before our souls unite in peace, my heart will dance for you.”

When she was finished, Kia slowly moved around to the front of the wheelchair and picked up Brenna.

“That was beautiful.” There were tears streaming down Grace’s cheeks now. “That will be our song, okay, Kia? When I’m gone and you’re looking out at the night sky, think of me, won’t you? And sing that song.”

Kia allowed her own tears to spill. She held Brenna tightly and leaned over, placing her cheek against Grace’s, allowing their tears to mingle. “I will, Grace,” she said. “I really will. It will always be our song. I promise.”

Kia woke up the next morning to Brenna’s urgent cries and was startled to see someone leaning over the bassinet, poking the tiny baby’s heel with a needle.

“What are you doing to her?” she asked, alarmed. She quickly sat up, trying to clear her head.

“Just taking blood,” the lab-coated woman said. “A standard procedure.”

Kia lay back and watched. She couldn’t believe how callous the lab technician seemed. Brenna was wailing, but the woman kept right on squeezing her heel. When she was done she bundled her back up and handed her to Kia.

“It’s okay, Brenna,” Kia said. “All done.” The baby stared at her, eyes wide, before her bottom lip poked out into a pout and she began to cry again. Kia climbed off the bed and began to rock her. She picked up her watch that lay on the side table. It wasn’t even seven o’clock, but she could hear the bustle of activity in the hall. The day had begun and she wasn’t ready to face it.

Exhausted, Kia sat on the edge of her bed. Brenna continued fussing in her arms. She’d fallen asleep when she’d returned to her room last night, but Brenna woke her a short time later. She’d been hungry again, and then hadn’t wanted to go back to sleep after her bottle. Each time Kia had laid her down, she began to fuss and cry. Kia had had to keep talking to her or rocking her to keep her quiet. Finally, three hours later, she’d taken another bottle and had drifted off, but had woken Kia up once more in the early hours of the morning for yet another bottle. That had only been about an hour and half ago.

Kia’s breakfast tray arrived a few minutes later, so she tried placing the baby in the bassinet while she ate, but that started another round of crying and thrashing. She tried to eat while holding the baby in one arm, but after a few attempts to get her food to her mouth without spilling it on the baby she gave up. She felt too tired and nauseous to eat anyway. As she pushed the tray of food away, she saw the figure watching her from the doorway.

“Derek.” Her heart banged in her chest. “What are you doing here?”

“Someone named Sadie phoned me,” he said, “and told me I had to come and sign some papers.” Derek was staring at the bundle in her arms. His eyes never met hers.

“Oh,” she said. “I don’t know anything about that.”

“She said she’d meet me here.”

“I haven’t seen her yet today.”

Derek nodded. “I might be a few minutes early.”

There was a long painful moment with only Brenna’s little fussing noises breaking the stillness in the room.

“So that’s her?”

“Yeah. Her name’s Brenna. Brenna Grace.”

“She’s got your hair.” He stepped into the room but didn’t get too close to the bed.

“Yeah, and she’s got your eyes.”

“Really?” He stepped a little closer.

“She doesn’t bite. Come and see.”

Derek hesitated. Kia could see the indecision that flickered across his face, but finally he stepped up to the bed, leaned over and peered at the little face. Kia watched as Brenna looked directly back at him. He studied her, but didn’t say anything. Finally he stepped back and
looked at Kia for the first time. “She’s kind of cute, you know, for a newborn.”

“Yeah.”

“So how are you?”

Kia was startled by the question. “I’m okay, I guess. An abortion would have been way easier, but ...”

He nodded.

“Her adoptive parents are really cool. You’d like them.”

“That’s good.” He was back to studying Brenna again.

There was another long silence. Finally, Derek spoke. “I’m sorry about everything, you know?”

“Yeah. Me too.” She glanced at him but quickly looked away when she saw the confusion in his eyes.

“I was really pissed off,” he said. “And I’ve got a bad temper.”

“I can be kind of pig-headed too.”

“I noticed.” He almost smiled. “But thanks for, you know, not saying anything. My dad never heard.”

Kia nodded. Brenna was fussing again, so she put her on her shoulder and patted her back. “Do you want to hold her?”

“No!” He jerked away from the bed, crashing into Sadie as she came into the room.

“Hi,” she said, stretching out her hand to shake his as he swung around. She put her other hand to her nose, which had made contact with his head. “You must be Derek. I’m Sadie.”