Dancing with Molly (2 page)

As I put the baggie back on the table, I asked them what the high was like. Pete's grin was back, and he said that it was “pure bliss.” I've heard lots of people talk about being “totally wasted” and throwing up from drinking. I've gotten pretty buzzed before here at Jess's place, but I've never barfed from it, and I don't want to. But something about the way Pete said “pure bliss”—I guess it got to me, because I've never heard anybody describe any drug or drink like that.

Maybe it was the pot getting to my head, or maybe it was the shit show in our kitchen at home that I'd just escaped, or maybe it was just wanting not to be so freaking NORMAL all the time anymore. Whatever it was, within about ten minutes Kelly had shown up looking like a runway model refugee in striped leggings and a gold lamé tunic, and Brandon was handing out tabs of ecstasy. Jess passed around bottles of water for
everybody. When Brandon dropped the pill in my hand, I just looked at it while everybody else swallowed theirs. Jess saw me staring at the tablet in my hand and said, You don't have to if you don't wanna.

And in that moment I realized I DID want to.

So I popped the tab into my mouth and washed it down with a gulp of water, then we all sort of sat there looking at each other for a second until Jess let out her signature WHOOP and we all cracked up.

About fifteen minutes later, we still weren't feeling anything and there was this big discussion between Kelly and Brandon about whether this stuff was bunk or not, but Pete just kept telling them to chill and give it some time. In the meantime, Jess plugged in Kelly's phone, which was filled with all this electronic dance music that Kelly's brother, Kyle, had turned her on to. Kyle is in college and is a total rave kid. He gave Kelly a whole bunch of playlists of these supposedly really great DJs that he goes to see. At first, it all sounded like music from video games to me. Lots of drumbeats under boops and beeps, and I was sort of making fun of it. But the next thing I knew, we were all dancing to it and I realized that my face sort of hurt because I was smiling so hard. Jess and I kind of danced over to each other and just started giggling. I grabbed
my bottle of water when I realized I was really warm. As I was taking a big swig of water, I felt Pete slide his arm around my shoulder and say, How ya feeling?

It was at that exact moment that it hit me. It was like my stomach dropped and created this vacuum. Air poured into my lungs as I took a giant breath and I felt goose bumps shoot up from my toes along my spine into my scalp, almost like I was taking the first drop on a roller coaster, but not scary. It was like when something surprises you in a good way. It felt so great that I couldn't stand still.

I spread out my hands, which were suddenly really warm, and spun around in a circle in the den, and the lights in the ceiling and the TV screen and the lamps and the light on the patio and glowing up from the inside of the hot tub all streaked together, and I said really softly, I feeeeeeeel amaaaaaaaazing.

Pete's grin focused in front of me again and he ran a hand across my cheek. It felt like velvet and left a warm path on my skin. I could still feel it there even though he wasn't touching me anymore, and I had to take another deep breath to stop feeling like I was going to fall over. Pete raised his hands over his head and said, Not bunk, guys. This is the shit. Then he turned around and slid open the glass doors and we all followed him into the yard. I know this sounds crazy, but the music followed
us too. Kelly and Jess were whispering to each other over by the stereo, and Brandon was already outside, lying in the grass looking at the stars—I think. Or maybe he followed us out. Honestly, I'm not sure. When I think about it now, it's a little bit like somebody has shuffled the cards in my head. I see snippets like snapshots, but I'm not exactly sure what order they happened in.

I remember sitting in the grass next to Pete and Brandon. I remember rubbing my hands through the turf and feeling each blade like a little kiss on my hands. My skin felt alive and my breath came in deep waves. The sky wasn't quite dark yet, and I laid back and stared up at the moon. I wasn't wearing the hoodie I'd brought over and I remember thinking that it was cool out, but I wasn't cold. There was this warmth emanating out from the middle of my chest and as I stared at the big, beautiful moon, it danced a little in the sky. I started giggling and Pete laid down on the grass beside me. I said, The moon is dancing! And my eyes are sort of wiggly. He laughed and slid his hand into mine, and it felt so good. Touching his hand was like magic. I turned to look at him, and he was staring up at the sky too.

At some point, Brandon joined us and I reached over and took his hand too. Then the three of us laid there staring up at
the indigo sky, which was getting a little darker each second, and I remember thinking that I had never felt so safe. I felt like these guys both understood me even when I was completely quiet and we were all just lying there . . . feeling together.

Oh my god. That sounds SO CHEESY. But it's TRUE! I'm smiling right now just thinking about it.

After a while, I felt my mouth watering and I sat up. My stomach was sort of tumbling really fast, and I said, I can't catch my breath. Pete sat up really slowly and ran his hand down my back. My shirt was damp from lying in the grass and I felt a little dizzy. Brandon said, It's okay. Just breathe.

Pete rubbed my back slowly, up and down, and I concentrated on taking big, deep breaths. As I did, these waves of feeling sort of crashed over me. I know that sounds stupid, but that's what it felt like. I had never seen anything so beautiful as the moon over Jess's backyard, and I said so. I said, It just keeps coming . . . all this great big happiness. I feel like I'm on a boat. Pete smiled his dopey grin at me and said, That's why they call it ROLLING.

I'm not sure how long we sat there like that, but I remember hearing Jess's voice. The music was quieter, a slow down-tempo song, and she was whispering from the back door: Hey! You guys! When I heard her voice, I realized I'd forgotten about
my best friend, and then there she was—the best surprise ever. I said, Oh! That's Jess! And I jumped up and turned around. When I did, I saw all the lights through the windows from the back of Jess's house swoosh into view like fireworks had exploded. Through the back door I could see the big, comfy sectional, and it looked like a warm haven that I couldn't wait to snuggle up in. And there was Jess! Standing at the door! I went running toward her and gave her a big hug. She smiled and said, Feeling good? I said yes, and then I told her that my eyes were wiggly. Jess laughed and it sounded like bells ringing. I started giggling too, and I told her, You are my best friend in the whole world. We just stood there for a second, and I felt another big wave of feelings come over me. Then I told her my mouth tasted funny.

Kelly was sitting cross-legged on the floor in the corner of the sectional and she was pulling stuff out of her backpack. She'd heard me say that my mouth tasted funny and she said, Come here! Jess and I went inside, and Pete and Brandon followed us. The first thing Kelly picked up from the stuff in her bag was a pack of gum and she handed it around to all of us. It was just peppermint Extra, but my GOD. When I put the stick on my tongue, it was the best thing I have EVER TASTED in my WHOLE LIFE. The sensations in my mouth were delicious—and
it wasn't just the taste. It was like chewing this gum was a full-on sensual experience. Jess said she felt like she was having a tongue-gasm, and we all totally cracked up about that.

I put on my hoodie and felt all cozy for a minute, and then I felt hot and took it off again. Brandon said the ecstasy was a little speedy, and started jumping up and down. That's when Kelly turned up the music and all of a sudden we were all dancing. Jess scooted the coffee table out of the way, and we danced for a long time. Here's the thing about me and dancing: I don't usually do it. I always feel really self-conscious, and I'm not sure what to do with my hands. I feel embarrassed about it. But not Friday night. We danced until we were all a bunch of sweat balls. Pete peeled off his T-shirt and Brandon brought us all more bottles of water from the kitchen. Then Pete ran back out into the yard and said, You guys! Come here!

The night air felt so good—like we'd walked into a refrigerator on a muggy day. The moon was high in the sky now, and smaller than it had been before. I got goose bumps all over, and ran and jumped on Pete's back like he was going to give me a piggyback ride, which he did—running all around the backyard while Brandon smoked a cigarette. I can't believe I went running up to Pete and jumped on him like that. I'm not one of those girls. That's one of the cutesy things that girls like Ashley do, but
in the moment, I had this unbridled feeling that no matter what I did, it was okay. I felt so safe—like no one would make fun of me. I felt like the truest version of myself.

When I jumped off Pete's back, he caught my hand and we raced back toward the patio and hot tub. Kelly was standing in the middle of the yard and I blinked really hard because she was surrounded by these beautiful streaks of light. Pete saw it too and was like, Damn. What the hell? Then, as we got closer, we saw that she had these glow sticks on strings that she was spinning all around herself. I sat down on the grass right in front of her, and before long, Pete, Brandon, and Jess had joined me. Jess had turned the music up a little bit so we could hear it coming through the door and we just watched Kelly spin those glow sticks. Brandon kept saying, Dude! Do you see those tracers? And yes, I did. My eyes were all wiggly again, and the glow sticks seemed to have these long tails of light that whipped all around Kelly's body as she spun them. After a couple of songs, her arms were tired and she let them drop to her sides for a second, and I started clapping. We all cheered for her and told her how amazing that looked.

Back inside a little later, my eyes had stopped twitching and we all got more gum and fresh water, but as I lay on the carpet feeling it with my hands and feet. I felt these big, slow, warm
tears sneaking out of my eyelids and running down my cheeks. It was like hot syrup sliding across my face, and it felt incredible. Jess asked me if I was okay, and I said, I'm just so HAPPY.

Kelly handed something to Brandon, and then turned off all the lights in the room. It was really dark except for the light filtering in the slider from the hot tub out back. Then the music was back, and we saw this orange-and-yellow glow. Brandon was juggling three glow-in-the-dark balls that Kelly had brought with her, and they made incredible patterns in the air. As I lay on the carpet watching, I felt Pete move over next to me and take my hand again. He was propped up on one elbow next to me, and I felt his other hand stroking my face. Then he leaned over and pressed his lips to mine.

Even writing that feels weird. In the cold, hard light of day, Pete is not somebody I would ever consider kissing, but Friday night, it just felt right somehow. His lips were cool against my own, and then I started kissing him back. I've only kissed two other guys before—one was at camp the summer after eighth grade and it only happened a couple times. Then in ninth grade I made out a lot with this guy named Evan who moved in with his family next door and only lived there for a year before his dad was transferred back to Chicago. Evan was a really wet kisser. Sometimes, I felt like I needed a towel after we were done making
out. He was really cute, but I have to say, Pete was a better kisser. I didn't feel like I was going to drown or anything.

I got totally lost in those kisses with Pete, but it wasn't sexy at all. I mean, I guess it was sexy, but I wasn't afraid that he wanted to have sex. He wasn't doing that thing Evan used to do when he would rub himself up against my leg, and it wasn't like we were way turned on. Also, Pete kept his hands to himself. This kissing was more about how amazing it felt to touch our mouths together. His tongue was slow and sure, and I kissed him back and started giggling after a while when our peppermint gum got all mixed up. He started laughing too, and when we looked up we realized we were the only ones in the room.

I said, Where is everybody? And Pete stood up and pulled me up, then looked out the slider and said, Wow. I looked outside on the patio and saw that Brandon was in the hot tub watching Kelly and Jess, who were also in the hot tub, kissing each other like Pete and I had been. I ran out to the patio, pulling Pete behind me, and whispered, Kissing is fun! (I don't know why we were all whispering while we were outside, but we all were.) When I said it, Kelly heard me and cracked up, pulling away from Jess, who had this big grin on her face, and said, Yeah, right?

We all wound up in the hot tub in our underwear, our feet rubbing against each other under the swirling water. I didn't realize how stiff my neck and shoulders had gotten until I leaned back against the side with my head on Jess's arm and felt all the tension draining into the steam. After a while, Kelly said she was getting pruny and we should probably not stay in too long because we needed to stay hydrated, so Jess ran in and got us all towels, and after we dried off, we all cuddled up in a heap on the sectional.

Kelly pulled the DVD of Walt Disney's
Fantasia
out of her bag and put it on. I remembered watching this movie as a little girl, but I hadn't seen it in at least ten years, and watching it on ecstasy was INCREDIBLE. The music and animation worked together in ways my brain could barely comprehend. A group of elephants or ostriches would bloom across the screen, and suddenly we'd all be laughing, and other times, tears would stream down my cheeks from the sheer beauty of it all.

After the movie, we all just lay on the couches talking about stuff. Jess brought up again how nuts it was that Reid Boston had asked my sister to prom, and Brandon burped really loudly when I said Reid's name, which totally cracked Pete up, and we all laughed really hard. Brandon said that Reid's really full of himself, and I said that meant he'd get along great with Ashley.
Thinking about that now makes me feel a little guilty. Ashley did get really excited when I told her about the Thanksgiving Day Parade, so I could've done the same for her.