Dangerous Games (22 page)

I swigged from my wine. “Welcome to the world of the rich and famous. When the rich marry out of their income tax bracket, their spouses are treated like children. You are to be seen and not heard. The more you stay out of her way, the easier it will be for you. She no longer needs you except in a sexual capacity and when those needs become few and far between, well, I hope you have a nice nest egg set up. Your days are numbered, Etienne, and although it will be quite lonely for her at first to be twice divorced, she will find some older yet fabulously wealthy man who will be perfect for her though he’ll be a dud in bed. It’s the sacrifice she is willing to make.”

Etienne finished his beer and stood shakily to his feet. “Are you trying to tell me I have been nothing but a prop? All those declarations of how much she loved me were nothing but a lie?”

“Unfortunately for you.” I shrugged my shoulders. “She’s good at knowing people’s weak spots, that’s for sure. If she has told you she’s put you in her will, check carefully because that might be a lie too—”

“It can’t be! It was confirmed by her attorney!” he exclaimed with an overenthusiastic yet childish zeal.

“So that must make it true.” I tried to stifle a laugh. “Athena gave
birth
to me—that is to say she carried me for nine months and pushed me out of her womb—yet she dispatched of me for
eight
years. She needed to trap my father and she did everything in her power to do so. I think he gave in because he was tired of fighting her. Despite all that effort, they were barely married for nine years. I’m not trying to tell you anything you don’t already know. She learned from the master when it came to using people, and manipulation techniques. You can believe what ever it is you want to believe about my mother but that doesn’t make it true.”

Etienne began to pace my living room floor. “All this time, you have been dropping hints for me and I didn’t get them. I feel like such a fool.”

“Well, don’t. My mom makes herself hard to read on purpose. She is a consummate actress with two Academy Awards after all.”

He paced for a little while longer before he threw himself onto the sofa next to me. I finished up my wine and decided I’d had enough. He was too close for comfort. If I was honest with myself, I would be able to admit that I wanted him as much as he wanted me at that moment, and that wasn’t a good thing at all.

What about Finn?

That small voice of reasoning resonated in my head and yet, all my runaway hormones could think about was I had a man here in my presence who was hot, sexy as hell, and unmistakably belonged to my mother. I had managed to turn him against her in so many words and there was still a part of me that refused to forgive Finn for what had gone down at Trevor’s house.

He made you suck him off in front of all those people who are part of your crowd—they took pictures and filmed the episode. You might be safe for now but what about a year from now? Five years from now? Ten years from now? Do you want that to surface ever? Do you relish being the Paris Hilton or Kim Kardashian of your generation where the only thing you are known for is a poorly filmed sex tape circulating out there in cyberspace, and distributed by Vivid Video?

The thought made my blood boil but what could I do? Drugs were bad and yes, I could also expose my peers who had been there that night but they would have their publicists who would dismiss the evidence as something their clients did when they were young and stupid. It would hardly tarnish their reputations, and wasn’t nearly as damaging as my sexual escapades.

Did it matter I’d only given Finn a blowjob, and there had been no penetrative sex? Would anyone care or would I still be the disgraced daughter of Rolf Sandstrom and Athena Donahue? Just another “stupid girl”, spoiled Beverly Hills brat?

I stood to my feet and immediately felt lightheaded from too much wine. “Listen, it’s been an eye-opening experience discussing my mother with you but I should go to bed. I have had too much to drink, and although it is Friday, I am looking forward to nothing but a boring weekend of studying and preparing for a couple of papers that are due within the next few weeks.”

I knew he had also stood, and felt the heat of his body radiate off him in waves. He was too close to me; I could smell the expensive cologne he wore and the scent seemed to overwhelm me with woodsy, mossy tones followed by a strong undercurrent of sandalwood, balsam and honeysuckle. My body didn’t feel like it was under my control as I leaned back ever so slightly and came in contact with his hard body.

Etienne whipped me around to face him and before I knew it, his lips were on mine but this wasn’t just a kiss. His breath—a mixture of spearmint and Heineken—stole my own, and his tongue sought mine out in a hungry and overwhelming need to
connect
with someone.

I didn’t want to be the person he fell for but at the same time, a part of me succumbed with abandon and thoughts of Finn faded from my mind. He pulled me to him and held me tightly as his mouth moved over mine. I surrendered to the feeling of his arms wrapped around my waist and somehow, my mind went blank. All that mattered was that particular moment in time, and how it took me over and drowned out the world in the process.

His hands and fingers worked at the zipper of my printed floral dress before he slid down the wide straps from my shoulders and freed my breasts. I had never felt so naked before even if I still wore the bottom part of the dress. It wasn’t like I had never shared myself with another man other than Finn but this whole situation was completely different, and so far beyond the scope of my imagination, I couldn’t process it fully.

Everything happened in slow motion. We still kissed yet he had set me on the arm of the sofa, and one of his hands had torn off my frivolous thong. His fingers worked in and out of me at a feverish pace. My whole face heated up as I could feel an orgasm building so deep inside of me, I had no idea it existed in the first place. He ground the palm of his hand against my mound and as the flattest part of his hand somehow came in contact with my clit while his fingers worked inside of me, I came in a wave of pleasure and exquisite pain.

My head pounded with ferocity as he picked me up and carried me to my bedroom. I collapsed on the bed like a rag doll and watched with growing fascination as he removed all of his clothing. His body was hard and tanned, much harder than Finn’s who was completely lean and possessed hidden muscles. He’d obviously been lifting weights, and if he wanted to go back to modeling, there would be no doubt they would make him lose weight. He had to be at least fifteen to twenty pounds bigger than they would want a male model to be so why did it bother him so much if my mother didn’t want him to partake in his former occupation?

Etienne climbed on the bed and removed my dress before he tossed it on the floor. I was officially naked but this felt new…I had never been with a man his age. Would he find my body adequate and could I satisfy him? I wasn’t nearly as knowledgeable as my mother was, and despite all the arrogance I possessed because of my youth, I was under no illusion I would be a better lover than my mother. She knew her body inside and out; what turned her on and what didn’t. I could achieve an orgasm but I would never kid myself into believing there were still parts of me I considered a mystery. Until a man explored them or a woman found them, they would be closed off to me for the time being.

He spread my legs and lay between them but his hardness was nowhere near my moist center. Instead he kissed and caressed my breasts while holding them in his hands. His tongue dipped down between the valley of my breasts, and licked me slowly, almost reverently before his wet, warm mouth covered my right nipple and his teeth bit gently on the hardened nub before he suckled and licked it.

My mouth opened and although I wanted to moan out loud, nothing came out but a harsh gasp for air, and the feeling of being pleasured so thoroughly, it went beyond anything I’d experienced before.

When he finally switched breasts and spent as much time on my left nipple as he had on my right, I thought I’d officially die from the ecstasy alone. I was legally drunk but the sex was never the less extremely satisfying, and I couldn’t quite come to terms with that.

Etienne’s mouth dipped lower until I felt his tongue swirl and dart out of my belly button; then lower yet again when his thumbs opened my soaking wet folds and his tongue ran over my clit with gentle precision. I gasped yet again as his tongue explored the opening to my sex and forced his way inside me. It was a magnificent sensation, and I spread my legs as far apart as I could get them.

There were other areas below the waist his mouth went where I had never had another go before but the time he spent with his head between my legs became one mind numbing orgasm after another. I forgot how many times he made me come because as soon as I thought I’d had enough another would come along, and shake me to the core.

By the time he did kiss his way up to my lips, my whole body felt like a junkie’s coming off the worst heroin withdrawal. No part of me seemed under my control any longer, and I allowed him to do what he wished because I couldn’t have stopped him even if I wanted to.

He plunged his cock inside me, and my body moved with his at the pace he chose. I wrapped my shaky legs around his waist and held on as best as I could but I knew it was no use. He controlled my body and I was merely there but nothing that happened was of my own doing.

I should have asked him to wear a condom but as he rode me bareback, my mind wandered off as I thought of all the times Finn and I had made love. It had never been like this, not mind-blowingly numb but I loved him so much it didn’t matter. I realized at that moment I had no real emotions for Etienne and thus we were two strangers having awesome, ground-breaking, over-the-top, only-happens-in-the-movies sex but that’s all it was. He didn’t love me and I didn’t love him; I was merely a receptacle of his pleasure and nothing else.

He didn’t respect me as a human being and only took what had been promised to him by my mother. How could I have forgotten she told him it was okay to have his way with me as long as he remembered who was in control of the situation, and who could ruin him and his reputation with a phone call.

We had sex all night in as many positions as possible and the following morning, I was so sore, I didn’t move except to urinate, take a quick shower before I fell back into bed again.

I ignored my phone because who ever was calling me, I had no wish to talk to them. I felt like a paid whore, a prostitute—no matter how much I told myself I’d enjoyed our trysts—the multiple orgasms alone had been worth the feeling of loneliness I had the next day. There was also a part of me felt like I had betrayed Finn far worse than anything he’d ever done to me.

How could I beg for his forgiveness when I couldn’t bother to forgive myself for what I had done? When I’d slept with Etienne, not only had I deceived the only man I’d ever loved but I also had betrayed my mother’s trust. It wasn’t what she did to me; it was what I had allowed to be done to myself. I had not stopped it therefore in my mind I was a worse human being than my mother was ever capable of being.

I couldn’t even bother to cry because though I felt an unmistakable sense of violation, I had not been raped. I’d gone along with it and enjoyed myself thoroughly. Though all the while, I felt like I was under water; drowning in the middle of the Pacific ocean but I didn’t have a life preserver or anyone at all to come to my rescue.

I
shouldn’t have missed my weekly Sunday brunch with Monika but I did without an explanation. I tried to sleep but my doorbell awoke me, and I looked over to see it was shortly after noon.

I hadn’t moved much the day before. I remember having been in a strange fugue state where I barely drank anything but water, and didn’t even attempt to make myself anything to eat.

Slowly, I sat up in bed and the room began to spin. There was furious knocking at the door now and Monika’s voice called out to me in a panic. I picked up my sundress, threw it in the white hamper, which contained all the clothes that needed to go to the dry cleaners, and pulled on a robe to cover my short nightie.

I knew I must have looked a hot mess but I couldn’t give a damn. Shortly after her knocks became bangs, I opened the door while Monika breathed a sigh of relief with one of her small hands pressed over her heart.

“What the hell took you so long? Don’t you answer your phone anymore? You practically stood me up at Jerry’s Deli but thank goodness I didn’t go since I never got a response from you. What the hell is going on here?” she exclaimed in her usual rational tone.

“Why don’t you come in? Should I put on a pot of coffee?”

“Are you sure you’re feeling all right? Hello? I brought the coffee.” Monika held up two grande-sized coffees from Starbucks before she handed one to me.

“Thanks,” I murmured and sipped from mine. It contained cream and three Splendas, just the way I liked it.

She sat across from me on the loveseat Etienne had occupied a couple nights’ previously. “Why haven’t you answered your phone? Finn tried to call—he was worried to death something might have happened. We all have left you countless messages, and you’ve done nothing but ignore us. Did I mention that is not cool?”

“You probably did once or twice but I haven’t really been paying close attention,” I replied in a sarcastic voice.

Monika rolled her eyes in a dramatic fashion. “Oh, good Lord—what ever the hell happened, can you seek redemption for yourself or are stuck in the pits of hell forever? Tell me, what could you
possibly
have done that is so bad you don’t want to discuss it at all?”

“I slept with Etienne Friday night,” I began quietly. “It wasn’t supposed to happen, it just did. I mean, he came by and he was feeling angry and morose because my mother doesn’t want him modeling anymore and…one thing led to another. It was the best sex I have ever had in my life but I have never felt like such a skank. I couldn’t even get out of bed yesterday, hence the reason why I didn’t answer my phone. And today, I am in a world of pain. My vagina feels like it’s on fire but I can’t wash his scent away no matter how hard I try.”

I paused when I realized I was crying and grabbed a few Kleenex from the coffee table. “I changed my sheets and I slept all day but I can’t get out of my mind how much I have betrayed the one and only man who has ever bothered to love someone like me. Our night meant nothing to either one of us. I truly do believe he’s in love with my mother, and I know I am in love with Finn but what do I do? I can’t just say sorry and move on. Life doesn’t work that way. He’ll never forgive me. I know him…we talked about it and he never wanted me to go through with it. He was happy when I told him I wouldn’t, and I just couldn’t help myself. My God, I’m so destructive, I’ve ruined everything between the two of us.”

My best friend stood and sat beside me before she took me in her arms. “Everyone makes mistakes. I have known you for a very long time, and I can see how sorry you are about what you’ve done. If you tell Finn the same thing, he won’t hold it against you. Did you use a condom?”

I shook my head. “I’m on the pill but that’s not that point. How do I get from under this, sweetie? I don’t know how to dig myself out. I am so full of hatred and self-loathing right now, I can’t even see straight. I deserve what ever Finn tells me to do and I just…I can’t even say why I did it. There is no good excuse. I got caught up in the moment, and it will cost me the only relationship I really wish to have. I don’t want Etienne. There’s nothing he can do for me but I know deep inside my heart, Finn and I were made for one another.”

My best friend kissed the side of my forehead. “Honey, you aren’t perfect, and Finn never expected you to be. You said you two never made your togetherness again binding yet so what happened between you and Etienne doesn’t count. He won’t tell your mother—believe me when I tell you this. I will make him sorry he ever crawled out of his mother’s womb if he does anything to hurt you.”

“Please don’t. I feel like shit already and all I can think about is how am I supposed to go back to university? I can’t live here on the grounds of my mother’s house. I need to get away but where do I go? She won’t understand—”

“Listen to me. I will have my mother call your mother and they are going to have a long talk, okay? Until then, I think it’s best if you packed a couple of suitcases, and stayed with Dylan and me for the time being. You shouldn’t be here alone while you’re going through this private hell…I could only think the worse. I refuse to lose you behind bullshit, do you understand?”

I wiped away my tears and nodded my head. “Okay. I’ll just start packing—”

“I’ll help you.”

Monika and I walked into my bedroom and she removed two Louis Vuitton overnight bags and began to help me pack. We wore the same shoe size and since her shoe closet matched just one of my walk-in closets, we only packed clothing and a small bag of toiletries.

Shortly after we were finished, I changed my clothes and slipped into a pair of boyfriend jeans and black tee shirt before I put on a pair of Nikes. She’d begun to load my bags in my Mini while I locked the door to the guesthouse.

Etienne appeared out of nowhere as he walked over and looked from her to me.

“Where are you going?”

“I need to be away a while…from you, from this place, this house. I am going to stay with Monika,” I replied though I failed to look him in the eyes.

“What we did was between two consenting adults so why are you running away now? It makes no sense, Elvira.”

“It might not make sense to
you
but it makes perfect sense to me,” Monika interrupted and flashed her icy blue eyes in Etienne’s direction. “You ought to be ashamed of yourself taking advantage of a twenty year old woman especially when you are married to her mother! What kind of man has sex with his stepdaughter? You are just despicable and the sooner she gets away from you, the sooner Evie will be able to breathe.”

“You don’t know what you are talking about,” he murmured in a cold voice that lacked not an ounce of remorse.

“I know
exactly
what I am talking about. I saw the way you looked at her when we were in Boston. You’ve had this planned from way back. You came across as the friend when all you are is a cheap, two-bit predator! Have you no shame or decency? You disgust me!”

Etienne glared at Monika and looked truly shocked by how she’d spoken to him but she turned her back to him, and continued to load the bags into my car.

“I expected more from you, Elvira. I thought we could be two adults about our arrangement.”

His comments finally registered before I walked up to him and slapped him harshly across the face. “There is no
arrangement
between us, Etienne. I will never share a bed with you again.
Ever!
”

Monika pulled me away from him. “Save it—he isn’t worth it.”

I allowed my best friend to put me in the driver’s seat of my Mini and promptly followed her as we left my mother’s palatial Palisades mansion.

F
or the next few weeks, I stayed with Dylan and Monika, hung out with Amaani on the UCLA campus, and spoke to Finn on the phone. The most painful part of the new life I had begun to live was I couldn’t tell the man I loved the truth, not over the phone. It would have felt too deceptive and insincere.

Shortly before the end of October, my mother finally called and demanded we meet at Spago for dinner, just “us two girls”. I agreed and turned up early the day of our appointment. The Maître D’ had a waiter show me to our table, and I sat down. Although I felt extremely nervous, I stuck with the carafe of water on the table and drank two glassfuls before my mother strolled in like she owned the joint.

She said her “hellos” to several celebrities she knew before she sat down with flourish, and stared at me with gorgeous gray-green eyes.

“Well, hello, my dear daughter. It seems like it has been ages since we have seen one another. Cristal called and told me you were staying with Monika but I expected you back home by now. What’s going on with you?”

I was about to speak but our waiter interrupted with the specials for the night before he took our drink orders. My mother ordered a bottle of Dom Perignon and sent him away with a wave of her hand before she glared at me again.

“Well?”

“You’ll be happy to know that UCLA and I are a good fit. I am very happy there. I haven’t been home because something happened there when you were in Switzerland,” I replied in quiet voice.

“Mmm, interesting, although you can cut the cryptic act because it reminds me of some of the bad films that grace my résumé, and I don’t like lies or deception. What
exactly
happened?”

I grabbed my napkin and placed it on my lap. “Etienne and I had a sexual encounter and I feel awful about it. I have never felt like such a whore in my life. He said it was something he had talked about with you, and you gave him permission to have his way with me. I just couldn’t believe you would allow something like that to happen, and I still don’t understand why I did it. It’s very difficult for me to face him at this time because he thought our escapade would continue. Although I have always been a disappointment to you and Dad, even I have my limits to what I will and won’t do.”

The waiter chose this moment to interrupt and opened the bottle of champagne with relish before he poured us each a fluted glass and left our table.

The expression on my mother’s face was priceless—a mixture of shock and disappointment made her look like she was absolutely constipated. “What in that pea brain of yours would make you believe I’d give Etienne
permission
to have sex with you? He’s my
husband
—we took vows to be true to one another. Exactly what part of my controlling and domineering personality suggests to you that I am the ‘free love’ type? Why would I want him carrying on a liaison with my beautiful and young daughter? Shouldn’t I be the least concerned he would like sex with you too much and leave me?”