Dare to Breathe (6 page)

Stupid, I am so stupid. Why did I think he would buy me drinks and not expect something in return?

I feel my hands go clammy and my heart rate pick up.

“Ted, I am sorry b-but I think I am going to be sick.” Right now, I do feel sick. I try to stand up again but before Ted can drag me back to the seat, I look up to see Nathan standing in front of the table.

“Hey Sam,” he says with a tight angry smile, “you ready to go home?”

“Piss off man; she’s with me.” Ted glares at him, holding onto my arm, his fingers digging into my flesh.

I look at Nathan, silently begging him to help me. A tear falls unbidden into my lap and I am so ashamed of my weakness I look down.

“Dude, this is my sister and I’ve got to get her home now,” he lies smoothly with a strained smile. I can see how tense he is as his muscles in his arms tighten. “You know she is just a high school student?” he finishes lying.

“Ah shit!” Ted yells quickly pulling away from me and dropping my arm. “Fucking hell, why didn’t you tell me? You bitch!”

I just look down at my lap, feeling ridiculous and wishing I was anywhere but here.

“Just walk away man,” Nathan says, a deadly tone to his voice.

Ted eyes Nathan with malice in his eyes but something in Nathan’s face warns him to back off. Ted gets up, dragging his dumb buddies with him, and walks away quickly, probably pissed off that he has just blown an entire evening and his money on nothing.

“Sam, come on, let’s go,” Nathan says with steel in his voice.

I briefly look up and nod. Then I get up on shaky legs and follow him out. He finds Ben, whom I didn’t even know was here and tells him to let everyone else know we have gone home and then continues to pull me out of the bar.

“What the fuck were you thinking?” he asks me as we head outside. I see the tension in his face as he stares down at me.

The breeze blows my hair, slightly damp from all the dancing, and before I can answer him, he pulls the hair off my face surprising me with his gentleness.

He suddenly becomes conscious of what he is doing and drops his hands just as I take a quick step away from him.

“That asshole who bought you drinks is Ted Avery. He does this every weekend Sam. Every weekend! Do you know what I am saying?” His angry words gain some momentum in my slightly buzzing head and I feel myself start to get angry too.

“What? Like you Nathan?” I shout back at him. This stops him and for a moment I see him flinch.

“Damn it, I never force girls! They come to me,” he says back hotly.

“I just wanted one normal night! One night I could let myself go.” I start to cry. I can’t help it. Seeing him with that girl, feeling Ted’s disgusting hands on me, smelling the beer on my own breath sends me over the edge and suddenly I am gagging. Nathan quickly pulls me to the side and pulls my hair back, once again, as I retch over and over again onto the sidewalk. I think it will never end but finally it does. Exhausted, we walk back to our house, with me trying to hold myself upright without leaning on Nathan.

When we get home, Nathan drags me upstairs into the bathroom where he helps me brush my teeth and wash away the grime. He then helps me downstairs to my room and tucks me into bed after removing my shoes. I try and say thanks but my mouth won’t work and my eyes can’t open at all. I hear the door shut as I fall fast asleep.

It’s so hot; my whole body is on fire. I feel the heat burning through my body. The air fills with smoke and I begin coughing feeling my lungs burn with every breath I take.

“Mommy!” I scream but no one hears me. Where are they? Why isn’t someone coming to help me? I see the flames jump outside the door and I know I am trapped, I start screaming for help. “Mommy! Daddy! Help me!”

I don’t know what time it is but I feel myself being shaken awake as I hear myself screaming yet again.

“Shh Sam,” is all I hear. It is enough for me and I pull my safety around me closer, refusing to let him leave, taking deep smoke free breaths.

He tenses as I hold him tightly for the first time but then relaxes and lies down next to me.

“You know, you are killing me,” he says softly as I drift off back to sleep lulled by the sound of his breathing.

Chapter Ten

There is a baseball bat hitting my head over and over again.
What the hell
? I want to make it stop but when I open my eyes all I feel is more pain
. I am never drinking again
. I roll over and find myself squashed against my bedroom wall. Vague memories of the night before start to flood my head along with the baseball bat which continues its merciless beat.

I sit up quickly and, holding my head, look around in panic. Lucky for me, I am alone. I take a deep breath and lie back down willing my heart and mind to stop freaking out.

Much later, I wake up feeling less damaged but super thirsty. The sun streams in through the windows and warms my face. I see water next to the bed along with some tablets and a note which tells me to ‘drink these to feel better.’ I do as requested with pleasure and then I lie in bed for the rest of the morning waiting to feel better.

Eventually at noon I hear voices in the kitchen and overhear the heated conversation coming from it.

“You slept in her bed?” I hear Carrie shout at someone.

“Shh, you’ll wake her,” I hear Nathan mumble in his rich voice.

“Damn it Nathan, you know this is not what we do…not anymore!” She ignores him and continues to talk loudly. “Have you already forgotten Kate? That nearly destroyed us! Do you want that to happen again?”

“Jesus,” he says, “don’t you think I know that? Nothing happened okay? She just had a nightmare and I came to check on her.”

“What? You checked on her with your penis?” she roars back at him.

“No, damn it!” I hear his tone change. “It’s not like that, okay? Back the fuck off!”

“If you mess this up for all of us, I swear to God, I will cut your dick off myself! There is no way I can cope with all that shit again!” I hear her storm up the stairs and slam her bedroom door.

What was that all about?
Surely she is just overreacting? I know they said the whole ‘no relationship with Nathan’ thing, but damn, we are just close friends. Aren’t we
? My head hurts so I stop trying so hard to figure it all out. By four p.m. I finally realize I need to face my embarrassment over a terrible evening and get out of bed. I put on my sweatpants and hoodie and enter the kitchen. I see a sad looking Mandy sitting by herself with a cup of tea in front of her.

She sees me and stills for a moment. “How are you feeling?” she finally says.

“Okay,” I reply. I walk past her to get to the fridge and find some ham to make a sandwich. I am not sure how I feel about Carrie or Mandy right now. I feel they let me down by not hanging out with me at the club but on the other hand, I wasn’t any fun to be around so I can’t blame them. I also feel disappointed in myself. I hoped that for one night I could be the person they wanted me to be and yet, somehow I managed to screw that up too.

“I thought you were having a good time,” she mumbles into her cup. “I had no idea that prick was bothering you. I am sorry.”

I halt in front of the fridge leaning my head on the open door, wondering exactly what Nathan said to them.

I turn to face her. “It’s not your fault Mandy. I was stupid that’s all. Thanks for trying to take me out to have a good time.”

I turn back to the fridge and continue my hunt for the ham.

“Nathan told us what he was doing. He really gave us shit for not looking after you. I am so sorry,” she tells me.

I go to her and give her a quick hug. “Mandy, it’s fine, you didn’t know and besides, until he became a prick, I was having fun too,” I reassure her, biting into a lonely piece of ham rolled into a tube. “Besides, you’re not meant to look after me. I am an adult.”

Carrie comes bounding down the stairs. “Aha! Sleeping Beauty is awake,” she declares dramatically. Gone is her anger from earlier and for a second I wonder if I imagined it. She plops herself down next to Mandy and says, “How are you feeling Sunshine?”

“Yeah, I am okay ladies, honest! I’m sorry I messed up your night,” I reply to them both. I continue making my sandwich.

“Don’t sweat it!” Carrie says. I notice Mandy is not looking at either of us or saying anything. “Your first night out is always a disaster when you hit college. From here on in, it can only get better!” she adds with a laugh.

I notice her quickly glance over at Mandy, and then she looks at me. “So, what happened with Nathan last night?” She tries to ask this casually but I see the tension in her eyes.

“Um, nothing. He saw me trying to get away from that dickhead and he came over and helped,” I mutter.

“Well, if that is all that happened, why did I see him sneak out of your room this morning?”

“It’s nothing Carrie! I had a nightmare and he heard me yelling and came to check on me. We just fell asleep!” I take a big bite of my sandwich to stop myself from babbling more and demanding why she has such a problem with this.

She looks at me closely then closes her eyes for a second. When she opens them again, I see she has her temper and emotions under control.

“Just be careful Sam. Nathan doesn’t do relationships, he just breaks hearts. I don’t want you getting hurt.”

“Duly noted and for the record, neither do I,” I reply. I grab what’s left of my sandwich and walk back to my room, where it is peaceful and I no longer have to listen to any of this bullshit.

Chapter Eleven

The next day, I get up early and head out to the library. I know it will be open and it’s a good place to hide from my housemates. I still haven’t seen Nathan and I am unsure of what to expect from him.

I spend a long day doing research and catching up on my studies. Eventually I head home as the day turns to dusk. As I walk home I see a hawk circling the sky above me. I stop and watch as it swoops around and around, eyes down, scanning the ground. I love that its brown and white tipped wings seem so motionless as it continues to circle. I have always held a deep fascination with this bird of prey and I keep really still and watch.

Suddenly it spots its prey and drops like a rocket to the ground. I feel my stomach drop with it, and for a second, I become that hawk watching the earth rush up to me. I imagine seeing the ground getting closer and closer only focused on what I want. The power I hold in that instant makes me feel invincible. Imagine going for whatever you wanted without fearing the danger as you rush towards it.

The hawk disappears behind the trees and I shake myself out of my trance and continue home.

“Hi everyone,” I shout out and bravely walk into the house. I know they are home as I hear them talking together. The conversation stops the second they hear my voice but I walk in as if it doesn’t bother me. I see Nathan leaning against the counter. He looks gorgeous and for a second I can’t tear my eyes away. He hasn’t shaved and his face reflects the roughness of his day old stubble. This makes him look sexy as hell and even more dangerous. He wears jeans that sit low on his hips and a black T-shirt which helps to show off his dark skin and toned body. I see the tattoo sneaking through his biceps and I have to quickly turn away before I make an utter fool of myself and drool.

“Where have you been?” Mandy asks with concern, coming up and giving me a hug.

“What? Are you my mom now?” I try joking.

I see her roll her eyes but then she pats the seat next to me. “Come sit down and join us,” she says, trying to lighten the tension in the room. “We are just deciding who is doing what next week.”

I sit down and look at the list. I giggle when I see that I am off cooking duties completely. My giggle makes Nathan’s head turn toward me with a small curious smile.

“What? No cooking duties? Are you firing me now?” I ask them with another giggle.

“Nope, no cooking for you,” Ben says. “The last time you cooked I was shitting myself the whole day. You are a danger to the world around you!”

“Beth has been teaching me the basics, you know,” I joke back, “and I can make a pretty awesome cup of coffee now!”

“Unless we want to live on coffee, you, my friend are officially off the cooking roster,” Carrie joins in, wrapping her arms around me.

Carrie’s friendliness confuses me, especially after what I heard and what she said to me earlier, but I roll with it anyway.

I continue to look down at the list. “Okay, so if I am not cooking, what do I have to do instead?” I take a closer look and my smile drops when I see what is written there. “Oh no! Seriously guys, loo parole? Twice a week? You sure I can’t cook?”

They all laugh and just like that, we go back to normal. I sit back and watch my friends as they continue to haggle on the other meaningless house duties. I feel a certain set of eyes on me but refuse to look up. I know I have to get my silly feelings under control. He has yet to say a word to me but I know he is carefully watching me and making decisions about me that I have no understanding of in his head. I wish I had a telepathic mind that could help me to get a grip on his thinking and possibly help me to understand my own too!