Dare to Breathe (3 page)

I try and walk away but my feet are glued. Suddenly I feel eyes burning into mine. I look up and see Nathan watching me, hands frozen to the girl’s chest. She is still moaning with pleasure. He scowls and I suddenly find the strength and hurry away into my room. I climb into bed and try counting to one hundred, anything to get the images out of my head. I hear the stairs creak and then suddenly voices above me. I realize then that Nathan’s room is directly above mine as giggling joins a low murmur. I know it will be a long night as I shove my pillow over my head to block out the sounds.

The alarm wakes me up at seven. I climb out of bed wearily after listening to soft giggly noises all night.
Stupid giggly bitch
.

I grab my clean clothes and trudge up the stairs hoping the bathroom is free. To my utter delight it is and I have my allocated five minute shower, brush my teeth and put on my yellow summer dress as quickly as I can. I tie up my hair in a bun and apply a touch of mascara and some lip gloss.

In the kitchen I see Nathan sitting at the counter drinking coffee. I know I need to say something, apologize somehow. I shift from leg to leg and decide to just come out and say it.

“Nathan…I…um, well I am sorry about last night. I didn’t know you had company,” I blurt out, feeling my damn cheeks heat up.

Nathan puts the coffee down. “Yeah, well…I can’t say it was the best thing to open my eyes and see you standing there watching,” he says and looks at me curiously. “Why did you stand there and watch?” he asks suddenly.

“What? I…um no, it was just a shock! It’s not every night I walk into a sex scene! I wasn’t standing there long!”

I hear Nathan chuckle and sneak another glance at him.

“No, actually I’m the one who is sorry,” he says, looking at me seriously with those soulful eyes. “I forgot someone was in the room down here. It’s sort of been a while. I swear I will be careful in the future.” He gets up, takes his cup to the sink and walks out the room.

I stand there a moment longer wondering what the hell he must think of me. I finally snap out of it, shrug and go into my room to finish getting ready for the day.

Chapter Four

“Theory tells us children are embedded into their family, therefore as teachers we have a responsibility to ensure that we include and welcome families into our work with children,” my lecturer says, walking around the class.

I think back to my childhood as she speaks. I hope and pray I am not ‘embedded’ into my family. I wish I could remember what is fact and what is fiction but I know either way my early years were not easy.

The rest of the lecture continues and I write notes to ensure I remember what I learn even if I have stopped really listening. I am not sure why I decided to become a psychologist. I suspect it has everything to do with the foster parents who raised me. Thinking of them brings a smile to my face and I know I need to call them soon.

“Hey Mom!” I say when she answers the phone. I have been with them since I was six years old. They are the parents I want to remember, the ones that changed my world and made it a better place.

“Sam? Is that you?” she shrieks back at me. “Dan…Dan!” I hear her call my dad, “I think it’s Sam on the phone!” I laugh. At seventy and seventy-four my parents are losing their hearing and I suspect a little of their minds too. They took me in when they were in their late fifties and I really respect them for that. I was the last child they took in and because of that, I got to spend twelve glorious years with them after they finally adopted me as their own when I turned eight.

“My little bird!” I hear my dad pick up the extension. “How are you honey?” he asks.

I feel my heart swell with love for these two. “I am good. I miss you though!” I say.

My parents live on the East Coast and it takes a good two hours to fly back to see them. I know I will only be going back during the holidays. At their age, I am too far away for them to come to me. This makes me feel sad, but I chose this college because it had one of the best reputations for the course I wanted to study, so I can’t complain.

“Birdie, we miss you too,” Dad says.

I have always been his ‘birdie.’ I remember the stories they told me. When they first met me, I opened and closed my mouth like a baby bird and flitted from room to room trying to find safe places to hide. I have almost forgotten those first few days but the feeling of warmth I have for these two people is strong.

“How is college? How is Jess? What have you been up to?” Dad rattles off to me.

I tell them about me leaving Jess and moving into my new home but I skim over the reasons why. I suspect they know, but neither says a word. I tell them about my new house and housemates and I hear my mom take a deep breath when I mention it is a co-ed. She doesn’t complain so I continue by telling them all about my studies and what I have been learning. We talk for a good half hour and by the time we finish speaking, I feel whole again, filled up with love. We say goodbye and I promise to call them in a few days’ time.

“Hi all,” I say, coming into the house later that afternoon. I have been here for a week now and so far, everyone has been amazing, friendly, warm and very welcoming. I haven’t had one nightmare which has meant I haven’t woken up and seen anything else gross outside my bedroom door either.

I dump my bags onto my bed and head back into the kitchen where everyone is watching Ben cook.

“What’re you making us tonight?” I ask, looking over Ben’s shoulder and stealing a slice of carrot. Already I am starting to relax around these people.

“Hey!” he says, trying to grab the carrot back but I just smile and sit on the stool. He glares at me, then says with pride, “Stir fry.”

“Yum, need any help?”

He arches one eyebrow and laughs. “After last night’s fiasco of burnt toasted sandwiches? No thanks!”

“Hey, I warned you I couldn’t cook, and besides, as a chef in the making, you could teach me!” I shoot back.

“Yeah, when it’s your turn to cook next, remind me to go out that night.” Carrie laughs, folding her legs under the seat and sitting up a little higher.

“Yeah, who knew you could be such a bad cook?” Mandy adds. “I think we may have to kick you out.”

I just roll my eyes at her in a ‘whatever’ gesture.

“Babe, you can only bring a horse to water, you can’t make it drink,” Ben answers me.

“Ben, I don’t even know what the hell that means.” I laugh.

Nathan just watches us and I feel his eyes burning a hole into the back of my head. I try and ignore him as best I can. Something about Nathan and his serious eyes makes me feel uncomfortable but I see how the rest of the gang treat him so I try my best to do the same.

Mandy turns to me and asks, “So, Sam, how is your course going?”

We chat for a while as Ben continues his meal. Ben is truly an amazing cook and if I could I would get him to cook every meal in exchange for even cleaning up his pigsty of a room.

As I sit with the others, I mostly listen and watch them all. Although I am learning how to be myself with these people, I still struggle to feel normal. Sitting back and watching them makes me feel happy. Their familiarity in each other is amazing and I become conscious of the fact that these guys have known each other a long time.

“How come you all know each other so well?” I blurt out, interrupting their conversation.

They stop talking and then look at each other, speaking without words.

I wonder at the sudden solemn vibe in the room but then Mandy speaks. “We all went to school together. We grew up in the same neighborhood and became firm friends a long, long time ago. My parents actually bought this house for the five…um I mean,” she stops for a second, looking down and then takes a deep breath. “I mean four of us, so we could come here.”

“Oh,” is all I say. It all sounds a bit extreme but who am I to dig deeper. If Mandy’s parents wanted to buy them a house so they could stay together, they must be pretty tight and Mandy’s family must have a bit of extra cash!

Nathan sighs and leans towards me. I shift away. His lips thin. “Our families…well they have been through a lot.” He runs his hands through his hair making it stand up in all different angles. “They thought it would be best if we stay together. You know, look out for each other…We haven’t exactly had the easiest couple of years.” He stops there and looks at me hesitantly. I nod.
What are they saying without words?

“Anyway,” Ben breaks the awkward silence that follows, “let’s eat!”

Everyone comes to life and moves around getting cutlery, plates and finding a space to sit. The food is wonderful and the conversation eases back to normality. I sit quietly smiling at my new friends, nodding when needed and talking when I have to.

Chapter Five

The weather cools as we move into autumn. I realize the clothes I brought with me are not going to cut it. I need to go shopping but to do that, I need money, which is a little scarce. I don’t want to ask Mom or Dad, who have done enough for me, so I decide to ask my friends for help.

“Mandy, do you know of anyone looking at hiring staff outside of college hours?” I ask one day as we walk home together.

“Um, actually have you tried Joe’s?”

“Who is that?”

Mandy smiles, rolling her eyes. “You really don’t go out much do you? Joe’s is a club in town. I have a feeling they are hiring bar staff. Luckily, you won’t need to cook!”

I laugh along with her but my stomach falls. I know I don’t want to work anywhere that sells rum. It invokes too many memories and besides the smell alone would make me sick. “Thanks Mandy, but I was sort of hoping for, I dunno, maybe a restaurant, clothing shop or even a coffee shop job?”

“Well, you could try
Sally’s Coffee Shop
in town. That is pretty busy and popular too. Maybe they are recruiting and besides, Sally owes me,” she says, looking enthusiastic as this idea hits her. “Come on, I’ll show you where it is.” She grabs my hand and leads me away from our home and into town down a side road that just screams, ‘trendy’. We arrive at a coffee shop swarming with people. I panic, but Mandy just pulls me closer to her. She looks at me closely, ruffles my hair, tucks in my shirt and whips out some lipstick. “Here, slap some of this on.”

I take it and do what she says. I know her better by now than to try and stop her when she is on a mission. She takes my hand and drags me towards the cafe.

“Hi Sally!” she yells over the crowds.

Sally, a middle aged woman with crazy curly hair, rosy cheeks and a full figure, looks up and gives her a huge smile. “Mandy, honey, how are you?” She comes round the counter and wraps her in a giant bear hug, her voice as big as her size.

Mandy fills her in on why we are here. I see Sally look over at me curiously so I give her a big smile and nervously wipe my hands on my jeans.

“You ever worked in a café?” she asks me when Mandy finally stops talking.

“Um, yeah,” I reply.
Well, I did work that one day back home.

“Can you make coffee?” She indicates the massive coffee machine which takes up most of the counter.

I hesitate for a second and then realize that no matter what, I can’t lie about this. “No, but I am a fast learner!”

Sally gives me a small smile and starts shaking her head but Mandy jumps in, “Sally, Sam lives with us. This will really help her out and I just know you will love her…please, please, please? Just give her a trial!”

Sally laughs. “Well, okay then Sam, Mandy makes a compelling case. If you are good at keeping this place clean and tidy, you’re hired but just so you know, the pay’s not great!”

I beam back at her. It doesn’t matter to me that I will be cleaning dishes and wiping tables for minimum wage. I just have some way to start being a little more independent and that feels great.

“Can you start tomorrow after classes?” she asks me.

“Sure!” I nod enthusiastically “I can be here from four. What time do you close?”

“I can use you on a four to ten p.m. shift then,” she says, going back behind the counter. “See you then.”

Chapter Six

His hands are like snakes writhing on the ground, feeling every part of my body.

“You feel so soft, like silk,” he murmurs in my ear. I feel myself flinch as his hands touch places I know they shouldn’t.

“Please, please, please—can I go to my bed?” I hear myself ask in a tiny, weak voice.

“No!” he roars, “You are mine. You belong right here, now be a good girl and lie still.” Hands that were running up by body suddenly come down hard on my wrists and I feel a huge weight on top of me, stopping me from getting air. I start to struggle and kick and scream. My foot connects with something hard and I hear him groan in pain. Before I know what happens, I feel a fist hit my jaw and everything goes black.

“Sam! What the fuck?” I hear a vaguely familiar voice shout. I try and open my eyes but I am too scared of what I will see.

“Please don’t hurt me,” I whimper.

“Jesus Sam, it’s me, Nathan. I am not going to hurt you. Open your eyes honey. You’re safe,” I hear the voice say.