Darius (Starkis Family #5) (10 page)

“Hey,” he said, reaching for my wrist. “You know you shouldn’t have to settle, right? You deserve the best, and if you stick with me, that’s what you’re going to get. You’ll just have to get used to it.”

Most women would have melted after hearing those words, but I couldn’t stand the thought of becoming dependent on a man to provide for me, not after the hell I’d been through. “I can’t afford to get used to this.” I could tell he was hurt, and that hadn’t been my intent. He’d already been so good to me, and I didn’t want him to think I wasn’t grateful. “You’ve been a good friend and—”

He held his index finger. “Do not put me in the friend zone, Chels. Not after what we’ve shared and the obvious chemistry between us. I’m fine with taking it slow, so long as we’re clear about where we’re headed.”

I knew he wanted a physical relationship, and I’d have had to be numb not to want that too, but I didn’t think I could keep my feelings in check if I slept with Darius. He would be an easy man to fall for, and I couldn’t afford to get my heart broken again.

“Tell me what you’re thinking,” he said.

That felt like a loaded request. If I told him the truth—that I wanted to sleep with him—there would be no more holding back, but if I still claimed I wasn’t ready for more than friendship, he could walk out and never look back. I would have been okay with that on night one, but a lot had changed since then. My feelings for him had changed. He’d become a part of my life, and I wasn’t willing to let him go yet.

“I never expected to meet someone like you.” I distracted myself by reaching for plates and setting them on the counter. I couldn’t look at him. He was too perceptive, and he would see in my eyes what I was too afraid to say. “In that past, it’s been easy for me to keep men at arm’s length because they never really interested me. You do.”

“Thank you, I think.”

“I meant it as a compliment,” I said, covering his hand on the counter. Expressing myself when I felt the need to monitor every word was so hard. “You’re different than most guys.”

He reached for my free hand, encouraging me to turn and face him. “You’re different too. Why do you think I can’t get you out of my head?”

He’d infiltrated my thoughts too. When I was trying to rouse myself from a deep sleep, the possibility of seeing or hearing from him that day was the only incentive I needed to get out of bed. Darius tugged me forward and wrapped his arms around me. It would have been so easy to get lost in him: his strength, his passion, his promise of a better life.

I closed my eyes, resting my cheek on his chest, my arms around his waist.

“Why are you fighting so hard?” he whispered. “When it’s so obvious this feels right?”

I appreciated the fact he wasn’t trying to convince me with roaming hands or passionate kisses, which would have been easy to do. He was using the most powerful tool in his arsenal: the undeniable truth.

“I’m a fighter,” I said softly. “It’s just who I am.” To me, it made perfect sense. To him, fighting something that appeared to be good for you probably seemed illogical.

“But you don’t have to fight this, sweetheart. I’m on your side. You don’t have to fight me.”

I’m on your side.
Like a partner. A team. What I wouldn’t give to have one solitary person I could count on. But I’d made that mistake before, and it had almost destroyed me. I couldn’t go there again.

“Say something,” he said, his hands moving soothingly up and down my back.

My conscience told me to tell him I was no closer to letting him in than I’d been on the day we met, but I knew that was a lie. We were getting closer. Day by day, he was learning more about me, and I was figuring out what made him so irresistible to women.

“I googled you today.” I needed to bring an abrupt end to this conversation, and talking about other women was the best way I could think of to do it. I’d seen pages and pages of images of him at various events with stunning women on his arm. He clearly got around. “Actually, Daphne did, but she convinced me to look.” When he released me, I took advantage of the space between us to dish out the food he’d brought. “You’ve dated a lot of beautiful women.”

“So?” He leaned against the counter, facing me, as he crossed his arms and watched me carefully. “I’m not seeing anyone else now. And for the record, none of those women could compare to you.”

He was a good liar. I knew that should be a red flag, but I couldn’t get past how sweet it was that he was trying to make me feel better. He’d dated models, actresses, an entertainment lawyer, a singer, and a horticulturalist, from the list I’d seen. Some were just gorgeous faces he’d never bothered to introduce or identify to the press.

“I’m serious,” he said.

When my hair fell over my face, he tenderly tucked it behind my ear, and I barely resisted the urge to turn into his touch, to let him know I craved more.

“You don’t have to say that.”

He moved in behind me, wrapping his arms around my waist. I closed my eyes, hoping he couldn’t tell how much I enjoyed the feel of his hard body against mine.

He wrapped his hands around my wrists, halting my movement. “Let. Me. In.”

It sounded like a simple request, but it put the rock-solid foundation I’d built my simple life upon in jeopardy. Darius represented complications I didn’t need, feelings I didn’t want to experience again. My breath came out in stuttered wisps of air, letting him know without words that he was asking the impossible.

“Tell me about him.”

I didn’t have to ask whom he was referring to. I hadn’t talked about Shaun in a long time, but I still thought about him almost every day. I asked myself what I could have done differently, how I could have affected the wretched outcome. How I could have saved Shaun’s family and myself from the heartbreak of losing him too soon.

“I can’t.” It wasn’t that I didn’t want to. I couldn’t trust myself to talk about what had happened to Shaun without falling apart.

“He’s the one standing between us though, isn’t he? I feel him in this room right now.”

I felt him too. I felt his presence, heard his laughter, saw his smile. I almost felt his arms around me and heard the whispered words of love and promises of a forever we’d never experience together.

“I can’t live in another man’s shadow, Chelsea. I won’t.”

Darius stepped back, and I wanted to whimper at the loss of contact. I wanted to tell him that Shaun wasn’t a threat to him, that Darius was jealous of a ghost, but the words wouldn’t come. He looked at me for a long time, as though he was waiting for me to say something, anything to convince him to stay.

“What about all this food?” I asked.

“Share it with Daphne. I lost my appetite.”

***

I stumbled out of bed the next morning feeling like I had the one and only time I’d had a hangover as a teen. But this time, my head was pounding and I was dehydrated because I’d spent the better part of the night crying. For the first time in a long time, I realized how broken and lost I was. And it scared me.

“What the hell happened to you?” Daphne asked, setting a container of cold Chinese food on the table in front of her. “You look like hell.”

“I feel like hell.” Coffee. I needed coffee. Maybe that would make me feel human again.

I staggered into the kitchen, my hand covering my eyes to block out the sunlight filtering in through the huge windows lining one wall. Our apartment was dark and dingy, a
feature
I appreciated at this time of morning, when I wasn’t yet ready to face another day.

Daphne was smart enough to wait until I’d returned with my coffee before she grilled me. “Darius obviously stopped by last night. I know you wouldn’t have blown this kind of money on food.”

“Yeah, he stopped by.” I wrinkled my nose when she extended the half-empty container, offering me some. “But he didn’t stay long.”

“Is that why you were crying?” At my questioning look, she said, “I heard you when I came in last night. I haven’t heard you cry yourself to sleep in a long time. What happened?”

“Meeting Darius just reminded me that I can never have a normal relationship, not after what happened with Shaun.” Daphne and I had had this conversation before. While Daphne agreed that what happened to my husband was tragic, she thought I should move on with my life and insisted that’s what Shaun would have wanted for me.

“Does that mean you won’t be seeing Darius again?”

The thought made me want to cry all over again. But I wouldn’t. Tears represented weakness, and weakness was my enemy. “I don’t know. We didn’t argue or anything. I think he just came to some realizations.”

“What kind of realizations?” she asked, sounding wary.

“He wanted to know about Shaun. I couldn’t bring myself to tell him. I think he assumes I’m still in love with my ex.”

“He doesn’t know Shaun’s de—”

“No, he doesn’t know.” I still hated that word. Dead. It represented more than the end of a life. It represented the end of a dream. A promise. Hope. Potential. Everything.

“You have to tell him… assuming you want to keep seeing him?”

I sipped my coffee, considering what my days would feel like without Darius. Even though I’d only known him a short time, he’d illuminated the darkness in my life with light.

“Well? Do you?”

“He asked me to go away with him this weekend. But that was before… last night.”

“You should go,” Daphne said emphatically. “That will give you a chance to spend more time with him, and you’ll find the right time to tell him about Shaun. Once you do, he’ll understand why you have to take it slow, and he won’t feel threatened by your ex anymore, you’ll see.”

Everything Daphne said made sense, but my profound fear of moving on was still there, threatening to choke the life out of me. I felt almost as I had staring into Shaun’s casket, a million questions pummeling me. I stood.

“Where are you going?” she asked.

“I’m going to grab a shower, then I’m going to head down to the club. They’re starting the demo today. Maybe Darius will be there.” I didn’t know what I intended to say, only that I needed to see him.

***

When I arrived at the club, I was disappointed to find Darius wasn’t there. Just as I was about to head out, I spotted Chase. Maybe he could tell me when Darius would be stopping by. I could have called him, but I’d have rather seen him.

“Hey,” Chase said, smiling at me. “Chelsea, right?”

“That’s right,” I said, returning his smile. “Do you know if Darius will be by later?”

“I doubt it. He’s pretty busy with his projects up in the Hamptons. That’s why he hired me to oversee this job.”

“Oh.”

My disappointment must have been evident because he grabbed my arm when I turned to walk away. “You okay?”

No, but I wouldn’t confide in a total stranger when I couldn’t even confide in the man I was falling for. “Just one of those days.”

“Yeah, I’ve had my fair share of those lately. I could give you Darius’s address in the Hamptons. It’s not that far, maybe an hour and a half drive. I’m sure he’d love it if you surprised him.”

Getting out of the city sounded amazing, but it wasn’t possible. “I don’t have a car.”

“You have a license though?”

“Sure. Why?”

“I could lend you my truck. I’m going to be stuck here all day anyhow.”

I stared at him in shock. This man didn’t even know me, and he was willing to lend me his vehicle? That didn’t make any sense. Of course, the things Darius had done for me didn’t make a lot of sense either. “I couldn’t take your truck, but thank you for the offer.”

“Why not?”

I frowned, trying to figure him out. “Why would you want to lend me your car? You don’t even know me.”

“Yeah, but Darius is a good friend, and you’re important to him. That’s good enough for me.”

He thought I was important to Darius? He obviously hadn’t spoken to him since last night. Darius might feel very differently now.

“Are you sure you won’t need your truck?” Gas would take the last forty bucks in my purse, but it would be worth it to surprise Darius. After last night, I owed him the truth about Shaun, and that wasn’t a conversation I could have over the phone.

“No.” He reached into his pocket for the keys. “I’ll be here until six, so if you could drop it off before then, that would be great.”

“Of course.” I reached for my cell phone. “Can you please add your contact info and Darius’s office address in the Hamptons?”

“Sure.”

“Thanks,” I said when he handed it back to me. “I’ll top up the gas tank.”

“No worries. I filled up this morning. It’s a diesel so great gas mileage.”

I wondered if he had a big truck that would be difficult for me to manage, but the Mercedes logo on the key fob made me even more nervous. He was trusting me with a luxury automobile? He wouldn’t even know my last name if not for the poster at the front entrance.

“Are you sure about this?” I was so unaccustomed to people doing nice things for me that I half expected him to snatch the keys back and laugh in my face for being so gullible.

“I’m sure.” He smiled. “Like I said, Darius has been a good friend. I went through hell when I was fighting for custody of my girls. He was there every day to listen to me bitch and moan. I owe him one.”

“Okay, well thanks again.”

“My pleasure.”

I walked out to the parking lot, pressing the button to unlock the shiny gray SUV. Daphne would be so jealous when I told her some hot guy had lent me his Mercedes for a drive to the Hamptons. Just thinking about it made my head spin. I felt as though I was living someone else’s life because things like this didn’t happen to me.

As I made my way out of the city traffic, my mind wandered more than it should have. Since I hadn’t been behind the wheel of a car in months, I should have been focused on my driving, not on the last conversation I’d had with Shaun. I knew my growing feelings for Darius were bringing thoughts of Shaun back to the surface, making the memories more poignant and painful, as though to remind me how much love could hurt.

I turned on the radio to classic rock, which reminded me of Darius. It had been a long time since thoughts of another man had displaced my thoughts of Shaun. In fact, I wasn’t sure that had ever happened.