Darius (Starkis Family #5) (13 page)

I hated that she was blaming herself, living with the daily torment of unanswered questions and guilt that couldn’t be assuaged.

“But he asked me not to tell anyone what he was going through, so I didn’t.” She buried her head in my chest, closing her hands around her face. “I had no idea he would take his own life. I swear if I’d known—”

“I know,” I said, stroking her hair. “You would have tried to get him the help he needed.”

All I wanted to do was hold her and assure her that everything would be fine. But I couldn’t because I didn’t know if any woman, even one as strong as Chelsea, could get over a loss like that… and trust enough to fall in love again.

Chelsea

Sharing my story with Darius hadn’t been as terrible as I’d imagined. He didn’t seem horrified as I’d feared. Just sympathetic. Now he was holding me as we watched some silly pay-per-view romantic comedy. I knew he had better things to do, but he insisted I was in no condition to drive home and he wasn’t ready to let me go yet. I wasn’t ready to let him go either. Honestly, I didn’t know if I ever would be, and that scared the hell out of me.

“Chels?”

“Mmm?” With my head resting on his shoulder and his strong arms around me, my eyes were drifting closed.

“How long ago did you lose him?”

“Almost two years.”

“And you haven’t dated anyone since?”

“No.” Before I met Darius, I’d seriously believed that part of my life was over, even though Daphne claimed I was being ridiculous to even consider living the rest of my life without a man.

“I can understand why you said you didn’t want a relationship when we met.” His fingers massaged my scalp, making my eyes drift closed again. “But I need to know whether there’s a chance you’ll ever…”

I knew what he was asking. Looking at him, I stroked his cheek. “I never expected to meet someone like you, but I’m so glad I did. If watching you leave last night taught me one thing, it’s that I don’t want to let you go.”

He exhaled slowly before a slight smile tipped his lips. “Good. I’ll try not to pressure you, given what you’ve been through, but I’m not gonna lie. I really want to be with you.”

I wanted him as much, if not more. “I want to be with you too.” I sat up, facing him. “Sex is a really big deal to me. Not just because of Shaun—even before I met him. He was, uh, my first. My only lover.” I wasn’t embarrassed by my sexual inexperience. It was a choice, one I didn’t regret for a second. So many of my foster siblings had used sex to mask their pain, and I didn’t want to make the same mistake.

“Really?”

“Yeah. But that doesn’t mean I don’t want to try to have a normal, healthy relationship with you.”
Try
being the operative word. Given my baggage, I wasn’t even sure it was possible, but I knew I would never forgive myself if I didn’t give Darius and me a chance.

He leaned in slowly, almost as though he was gauging my reaction before he kissed me. My body hummed whenever he touched me, as though it was vibrating with energy and reawakening after a long, deep slumber. I ventured under his shirt, eager to feel his bare skin. What started as an innocent exploration quickly turned into more as my wandering hands took on a life of their own, reaching for his belt buckle.

He reached for my hand, his breathing ragged. “Chels, as much as I want you, even I know it’s too soon for you to sleep with me.”

Was it? Most women would have hopped into bed with a guy like Darius after the first or second pseudo-date. I didn’t think I was one of
those
girls, but the way my body responded to his touch made me question how long I could wait to be intimate with him. “What if I’m ready now?”

He smiled, stroking my cheek. “As much as I might want to, I can’t. Not today, not after what you shared with me. You’re vulnerable, still emotionally drained and reeling. When we do make love—not if, but when—it’ll be the right time, the right place.” He kissed me to punctuate his point. “Everything will be perfect. I promise.”

I wanted to ask how long he intended to keep me waiting, but that would have only made me sound desperate. Since it was nearing four and I’d promised to have Chase’s car back by six, I said, “I guess I should go.”

“I guess,” he said, sounding regretful. “I wish you didn’t have to. I’d love for you to stay here with me tonight, just like this.” He gestured toward the couch we’d been cuddling on.

“I’d like that too, but I promised Chase.”

He frowned at the mention of his friend’s name. “So listen, about my buddy Chase. He’s a great guy, and some women may even consider him a catch, but if he makes a play for you, you have to promise me—”

I silenced him with a kiss. “He won’t. And even if he does, I’m not interested in him. I’m interested in you.”

He grinned. “Good. Does that extend to other guys too?”

I laughed at his ploy to gain my assurance I wouldn’t date other guys while he was busy working in paradise. “You’re the first guy I’ve dated in two years. I think it’s safe to assume you’re the only guy I want to date. You?”

He shook his head. “I don’t want to date any other guys either.”

I slapped his chest, smiling. “I’m serious.”

If we were going to have an intimate relationship in the foreseeable future, I needed his promise that I was the only woman sharing his bed. Exclusivity was a big step for me. I hadn’t expected to even consider it so soon, but I’d never considered sex after a handful of dates either.

“If I can’t have you, I don’t want anyone,” he said.

I kissed him softly before wrapping my arms around his neck. His words hit me hard, making me wonder whether it really could be this easy to fall in love.

***

Later that night, Daphne and I stumbled home dead tired. I’d taken a shift for a friend at Exodus, and she’d managed to get a waitressing gig at a local diner while the club was being renovated.

“I can’t believe you drove all the way to the Hamptons to see him,” Daphne said.

“Crazy, right?”

“You must be crazy,” Daphne said, hugging the couch cushion against her chest. “About him.”

It was hard not to think about Darius when we were living in his apartment. He was everywhere, from his scent on the few shirts he’d left in the closet to the comforter on the bed I slept in to the half-empty bottle of cologne under the bathroom sink. But even without those reminders, I knew I’d have been thinking about him all the time. He wasn’t an easy man to forget.

“I guess I am.” Admitting that, especially to Daphne, who’d been there to hold my hand during the lowest point in my life, felt good. I knew how worried she’d been about me, and I liked being able to tell her honestly that I finally felt I was on the mend.

“You guess you are?” She rolled her eyes. “You’ve had that stupid grin on your face almost nonstop since you met him. Except last night. That was as sad as I’ve seen you since…”

“Since Shaun died. It’s okay. You can say it.” There was a time when those words or the mere mention of his name would have shattered me, but after talking to Darius about him, saying Shaun’s name, or even thinking about him, felt a little easier.

“We never thought you’d get over it.”

I knew she was talking about our family at the comedy club. In my case, the only family I had. Many of us were outcasts. We’d come to the Big Apple to blend in because we’d been misfits in hometowns that rejected us, and we’d banded together to learn the meaning of unconditional love and acceptance.

“I didn’t either, but I can finally say it’s getting better every day,” I said.

“Thanks to Darius?”

“Maybe, in part. But I think I was just ready to move on. It just took someone like Darius to remind me that life has to go on.”

“Couldn’t you have worked your way up to someone like him though?” Daphne asked, laughing. “I mean, seriously, girl, doesn’t it bother you that he could literally have any girl he wants?”

It would have bothered me if I’d allowed myself to dwell on it. “For now, he wants me. If he decides he doesn’t anymore, a day or week or month from now, I’ll deal.” That was the only silver lining to losing my husband the way I had. I knew I could handle anything life threw at me.

“How do you do it?” Daphne asked, curling her arms around the overstuffed pillow.

“Do what?”

“How do you convince yourself you don’t need a man?”

I’d convinced myself of that long before I met Shaun, but he’d somehow managed to convince me otherwise. “I think there’s a difference between needing a man and wanting one. I thought I needed Shaun. When he died, I realized, as hard as it was to imagine going on without him, I wasn’t going to stop breathing because he had.” The crushing pain in my chest during those first few months had made me wonder if it was possible to die of a broken heart, but I’d survived, just as Daphne had promised I would.

“I think you’re just about the strongest chick I know,” she said, tossing the cushion at me.

I caught it and hugged it close. That was a huge compliment coming from her because she was a pretty strong chick herself. She was my soul sister. Not the kind I’d been born with but the kind I knew I’d die with. “I wouldn’t be this strong without you, you know. Knowing that you’ve always got my back makes it easier.”

My cell phone rang, and Daphne smiled when she saw Darius’s name flash across the screen. “Tell that sexy man of yours I said hi while I make use of that amazing soaker tub of his.”

“I will.” I tried to tamp down my excitement when I said hello. I didn’t want him to know I’d been waiting on his call. “Hey. How was your night out with the boys?”

He grunted. “Would have rather spent it with you.”

“You’re just saying that.” Though I hoped he wasn’t. I wanted to believe he was missing me just as much as I was missing him.

“No, I’m not.”

Since Darius’s family had spent their summers in the Hamptons while he was growing up, he’d made plenty of friends and apparently kept in touch with most of them. He said he often got together with those who still called the Hamptons home. I knew he had a huge social circle, most of whom I hadn’t met yet, and I couldn’t help but wonder what they would think of me. I didn’t usually dwell on what others thought of me, but the glaring disparity between our socio-economic classes made it tough for me not to wonder whether they would question my intentions.

“Meet any pretty girls tonight?” I was just teasing him, and I hoped he knew that. I didn’t want him to think I was the jealous, insecure type who would demand to know about every move he made.

“I only had one pretty girl on my mind tonight, and I’m talking to her.”

That made me smile. “Good answer.”

“How ‘bout you, gorgeous? What did you do tonight?”

“I covered a shift for a friend.”

“At Exodus?”

I laughed. “Of course at Exodus. That is my sole source of income, remember?” And whether Darius approved or not, Daphne and I had agreed to pay him our regular rent on the first of the month, which only gave a few days to come up with the couple hundred we were short.

“About that…” He cleared his throat, sounding hesitant. “Why don’t we start your management job at the club now so you can give your notice at Exodus?”

I knew what he was doing, and it wasn’t going to work. “There’s no comedy club to manage yet. Until there is, I’ll be keeping my job at Exodus and picking up as many shifts as I can to make up the difference.”

Billy’s entire staff had agreed to look for temporary work, promising to return to the comedy club when the renovations were complete. After I’d sold Darius to my friends and coworkers, they had complete faith in his vision and business acumen, and they were all thrilled I would be their new boss. I just hoped I was up to the task. I’d never managed anyone before, and I didn’t want to let Darius down.

“I know you probably don’t want to hear this, but I hate that you’re working there.”

“Yeah, you made that pretty clear the other night.” I didn’t need or want a jealous man trying to control me, but I thought Darius’s concern was cute. As long as he didn’t cross any lines and start barking orders, expecting me to obey, I was okay with his disapproval.

“I saw the way those guys treated you, Chels. I hated it.”

I wasn’t so crazy about it myself, but being nice to the customers, flirting a little and flashing a big smile when they pulled out their wallets, helped pay the bills. Every attractive service person knew that. But Damon and his partner ran a pretty tight ship. Security was top notch, and if any of the drunk patrons made the employees feel uncomfortable, they were shown the door.

“It’s not so bad. There are a lot of dive bars in the city that are a thousand times worse. Trust me, I’ve worked at more than a few,” I said.

“That’s supposed to make me feel better?”

“Darius, I appreciate your concern, but we need to get something straight. I can take care of myself.”

“I know that, but—”

“Please, just listen. After what I shared with you today, I know you understand how hard it is for me to trust people. Shaun was the first person I ever allowed to get that close. I depended on him. Once we got engaged, I just assumed we’d be together forever.”

“I’m sorry, babe. I shouldn’t be bringing this up now.”

“No, it’s okay. We need to talk about this.” I sighed. I was tired, probably too tired to have this conversation, but I wouldn’t be able to sleep until I’d made my point. “I can’t afford to lean on someone like that again.”

He was hesitant for a minute before he said, “That’s not fair. Just because he let you down doesn’t mean I will.”

He had a valid point, but so did I. “I know that right now, you want to be with me, just like I want to be with you. But this relationship is so new. We’re still figuring things out. Neither of us knows how we’ll feel a few months from now.”

“I know how I’ll feel. I’ll still want to be with you as much as I do now.”

My insides turned to mush when he made promises like that, but blind faith had proven to be my enemy. “I hope that’s true, but only time will tell for sure.”