Darius (Starkis Family #5) (17 page)

“Chase was heading back to the city tonight. He offered to give me a lift,” I said, sinking into the chair next to my roommate.

“I would’ve thought you’d want to spend every minute you could with that sexy man of yours.”

“I needed some time alone to think.” I pulled my legs into my chest and curled my arms around them.

“You want me to get out of here for a while? The nice thing about this building is that it has a gym. I could go—”

“No, don’t go.” I didn’t really feel like being alone. I wanted to think aloud, to get my best friend’s take on my dilemma. “I’m falling hard for this guy, and it’s scaring the hell out of me.”

“Does he know everything… about Shaun?”

“Yeah, I told him.”

“And?”

“He was great, really understanding.”

Daphne smiled. “I knew he would be. You’re really lucky. You know that, don’t you? Most girls would kill for a guy like that.”

“I know.” I felt almost bad for complaining to her given her lousy luck with men, but I had no one else to turn to. “But it’s getting serious. We slept together.”

“I kind of figured you would, spending the weekend with him and all.” She grinned. “Was he amazing? Did he rock your world?”

Just the memory of last night made me feel flushed. “Yeah, he was pretty amazing. It’s never been like that before. I didn’t even know it could be like that.”

“And you feel guilty?”

“What? No! Why would I feel guilty? It’s not like I cheated on Shaun. You’re the one who keeps reminding me he’s been gone almost two years. I had to get on with my life sometime, right?”

“Yeah, but you never expected to meet anyone you could see a future with after Shaun, and now that you have, you feel guilty.”

That was crazy. Wasn’t it? “That’s not the problem,” I said, shaking my head slowly as I tried to process her words. “I don’t think we’re really compatible, Daph. It’s not just that Darius’s family is crazy wealthy.”

“Then what is it?”

“They’re all so tight. You should see them together.” I’d never been more grateful for my sunglasses than I was today. There had actually been a few times, watching his family, when my eyes welled up with tears as I thought about all of the family dinners and parties I’d missed out on because no one wanted me. “And it’s pretty obvious how much Darius loves kids. No way could he be happy without a family of his own.”

“Aren’t you getting ahead of yourself?” Daphne asked. “You guys just started dating. You have no idea where you’ll end up.”

“Yeah, but is it fair to keep seeing someone if you know you don’t want the same things out of life?”

“So you know for sure that you’ll never wanna be a mom? Without a single doubt?”

She was challenging me because she loved me, and I was letting her because I loved her more, but this conversation was venturing into seriously unchartered territory. “How can someone as messed up as me be a good mom?”

“Don’t sell yourself short, girl. I’ve watched you do things you never thought you could. You’re a survivor if I’ve ever met one. The question isn’t whether you could be a good mom. I know you could. The question is do you want to.”

“I don’t know.” Watching Damon build sand castles with his older daughter and watching Deacon blow bubbles on his baby’s belly until he giggled had made me wonder if maybe I wouldn’t be missing out if I decided not to have a baby of my own someday.

“You don’t have to decide anything right now. Just be honest with Darius. Tell him this is all new for you and you’re still trying to figure things out. Don’t make him any promises about how it’ll turn out, but you can promise to be honest with him every step of the way.”

Feeling better, I hugged her. “What would I do without you?”

“You’d be as lost without me as I would be without you,” she said, kissing my cheek soundly.

***

I tried to fall asleep, but after half an hour of tossing and turning, I reached for my cell phone and dialed Darius’s number.

He answered on the first ring. “Hey, I was just thinking about you. You couldn’t sleep either, huh?”

“I’m sorry I left like that. I should have stayed so we could have talked.”

“I understand why you felt you had to leave. A lot’s happened since you met me. You needed time to process it all.”

He was right. Hearing him say that only made me realize how well he’d come to know me in such a short time. “Still, I feel like a bit of a coward for bailing on you.”

“No need, you just needed a timeout. We all do sometimes.”

Daphne was right. He really was an amazing guy, and I was lucky to have met him. “Here’s the thing—I don’t want to be unfair to you. I’ve tried being honest about the things I want in regards to a job, school, a relationship… everything.”

“But?”

“I thought I had my future all mapped out before I met you, but you’re making me rethink everything.” I knew I could continue holding back, but I didn’t want to. This was the time to bare my soul. “Last night was one of the most amazing nights of my life, Darius. I felt closer to you than I’ve felt to anyone in a long time.”

“I feel the same way.”

I believed him. That was what made this so hard. If I doubted his sincerity, even for a second, I would have an excuse for not pursuing a relationship with him, but I didn’t. “But now I have to figure out where to go from here. I said I didn’t want a relationship because I was scared.”

“I know.”

The brevity of his responses was making me nervous. I wanted to hear what he was thinking and feeling, but I knew he was holding back so I could spill my guts first. “I’m still scared.”

“So am I.”

“But now I’m almost more afraid of letting you go. Not seeing or talking to you again would be hard.” A lot harder than I was willing to admit.

“I agree.”

I pursed my lips, torn between annoyance and confusion. Was he purposely keeping me on edge because he was disappointed in me for bailing on him earlier? “With you, I’m obviously rewriting the rule book as we go because all the rules that applied to my life before just… don’t anymore.”

He chuckled. “Okay.”

“That’s all you’re going to say?”

“What more can I say? You’re telling me you want to figure this out as we go, and I’m okay with that.”

I didn’t know if I should be grateful or disappointed or relieved, but I was a mixture of all of those things with a dash of despondent thrown in. “Will you be okay with it even if we keep seeing each other and our relationship doesn’t progress the way you want it to?”

“I’m not sure what you mean.”

Was he really going to make me spell it out? Was this some kind of test to challenge my courage? “Well, most people our age date because they expect the relationship will end with a marriage proposal or children, right?”

“I don’t know that I’d agree with that.”

“You wouldn’t?”

“I’ve dated plenty of girls without the expectation that I’d marry any of them.”

“Oh.” Now I was embarrassed. He didn’t see this relationship going anywhere. He was out to have a good time, and when it was over, it was over. “I just thought—”

“That I wanted what my cousins and sister have found? Yeah, I know that’s the way I made it seem, but I started thinking about it after you left. I also had a long talk with Cat and realized I’m being ridiculous by talking to you about this kind of thing now, so early in the relationship. It’s putting way too much pressure on both of us.”

I should have been relieved. He was giving me an out, a reprieve, so why wasn’t I happy? “I guess you’re right.”

“So from now on, let’s agree to no more talk about the future. We’ll just enjoy this one day at a time for as long as it lasts. If either one of us decides it’s time to end it, or gets a better offer, we split, no hard feelings. How does that sound?”

It should have sounded like an ideal proposal, but it tasted like biting into sour candy when I’d been expecting a sweet one. “Gets a better offer…?”

He laughed. “That was probably a poor choice of words, but you know what I mean.”

Yeah, I knew exactly what he meant. If he met some gorgeous socialite at a fancy fundraiser, I was history. “I’m glad we talked, Darius. I think I’m pretty clear on where we stand now.”

“Hey, you’re not mad, are you?”

“No, of course not. Why would I be mad?”
Just because I’m falling in love with you and thought you might be feeling the same way about me?

“I don’t know. Just the tone of your voice—”

“I’m fine, just tired. I’ll talk to you tomorrow, okay?”

“Yeah, sure. Sweet dreams, Chels.”

Wicked nightmares was more like it.

***

Darius

“I thought I heard your phone,” Catia said, walking into the family room while clutching a tub of Ben & Jerry’s. “Was it Chelsea?” she asked, plopping down on the armchair across from me.

“Yeah.” I stared at my cell phone as the pit in my stomach started to feel more like a crater. I’d said everything I thought she wanted to hear, but she hadn’t reacted the way I expected her to.

“And?”

“I think telling her I had no expectations of her or the relationship may have been a mistake.” I groaned, tipping my head back against the couch as I closed my eyes. “What the hell is wrong with me? Why do I keep screwing this up?”

“You didn’t say that in those words, did you?” Catia asked, licking ice cream off her spoon.

“You were the one who told me to tell her that!”

“I didn’t suggest you tell her you had
no
expectations. No woman wants to hear that.”

I didn’t know why I was taking relationship advice from a woman who changed boyfriends the way other girls changed earrings. “I should never have listened to you. You don’t know what the hell you’re talking about. If you did, you’d be out with a great guy who’s crazy about you instead of sitting here with your brother, scarfing down ice cream.”

She glared at me. “Don’t make this about me. And don’t blame me if you can’t communicate with women!”

“Can’t communicate with women?” I demanded, trying to hold my temper. “We were doing just fine until—”

“Don’t delude yourself,” she said, rolling her eyes. “If you were doing such a great job expressing how much you wanted her, Chelsea wouldn’t have left.”

“She was afraid of getting in too deep. Like someone else I know.” I should have taken some satisfaction in wiping that smug smile off her face, but I didn’t. She was still my sister, and I loved her. Even when she was being a pain in the ass. “What is it with you women? I thought it was guys who had a reputation for being afraid of commitment.”

“Maybe guys like you are the reason nice girls like us are afraid of commitment,” she said, scooping another giant spoonful of ice cream into her mouth.

Ouch, that hurt, and she was crazy to think I’d let her get away with it. “Are you telling me some jerk broke your heart and that’s why you’re not willing to give Chase a chance?” I laughed, but it sounded more like a snarl. “Give me a break.”

“How the hell would you know?” she demanded, setting the tub of ice cream on the table.

“I’m your brother, remember? You’ve been a man-eater as long as I’ve known you.” I almost felt guilty when the spark of anger went out in her eyes. I was used to my sister having a feisty response. If she didn’t, it could only mean one thing: she was hurt.

“Maybe there’s a reason. Did you ever think of that? You all think I’m such a horrible person, but did it ever occur to you there might be a reason I’m trying to protect myself?” she asked, crossing her arms.

I glanced at the container of melting ice cream. It was going to make a mess, but my sister’s pain mattered more than a sticky ring on the furniture. “Are you saying some douche did a number on you and you didn’t tell me about it?” If she had, I would have hunted him down and made him pay.

“It was my first year of college,” she said, pulling her legs up and resting her chin on her knees. “He was a senior.”

I frowned, thinking about the age difference. When I was a college senior, I wouldn’t have had any interest in an inexperienced freshman. “What did he do to you?”

“I fell hard and fast.” She lowered her head, resting her forehead on her knees. “I wanted to be with him every minute. I thought he wanted the same thing.”

“Go on.” I couldn’t believe I was hearing this story for the first time. It had happened a long time ago, but hearing about someone hurting Cat enough to create a lasting impression made me want to hurt him. Cat and I were close. I’d always thought she could tell me anything.

“You know sex was a big deal for me when I was younger.”

“Yeah…?” I raised an eyebrow. The last thing I wanted was to hear about my sister’s sex life. It was bad enough I knew she’d had a one-night stand with Chase. Unlike me, the girls had always talked about waiting for the perfect guy, the perfect moment, to lose their virginity. I knew Kara had waited for Dustin, but I’d never considered who had been Cat’s first or when it had happened.

“I even thought about waiting for marriage, like Mom and Dad always told us to, but I was in college. Everyone was partying and having sex. I felt like a loser, still being a virgin.”

“Not a good reason to do it.” If memory served, I’d been about sixteen and lost my virginity in the backseat of my old man’s car, so I wasn’t one to pass judgment.

“I know that now. Believe me, if I’d known what an ass Kyle was, I never would have slept with him.” She looked at me wide-eyed. “It’s not like it’s something you can get back. Once it’s done, it’s done. And sometimes all you’re left with is regrets.”

“Did he pressure you into it?” I asked, curling my hand into a fist as I leaned forward. “Because if he forced himself on you, Cat, I don’t care where the hell he is, whether he’s married with a couple of kids by now, I’ll find him and beat his ass.”

Her lips tipped up as she shook her head. “No, I wanted to be with him. At least I thought I did. He told me he loved me. He said he’d never felt about anyone the way he felt about me.”

I knew this story wouldn’t end well, but I didn’t know what to say to make it any better. Even after so much time, it clearly still pained her to talk about it.