Dark Secrets (33 page)

David’s eyes closed
for a second. “For good.”

“
What? You’re
leaving
?”

He looked up then, and
I don’t think he expected to see the hurt I could feel coming from
my eyes. Without a word, he closed the gap between us and wrapped
his body around me, pinning my face to his cool silk shirt. And
though the warmth of his hands invited my soul to feel love, his
heart betrayed the anguish in his eyes—seeming completely still, as
if it weren’t even beating—certainly not feeling the pain I was.
“Ara, leaving was never optional for me.”

My stomach sunk.
“But…you said. You told me you weren’t going anywhere.”

His shoulders dropped.
“I know. I—it was silly of me to say that. I got caught up in you,
in this, and I made promises I knew, even then, that I probably
couldn’t keep.”

“
C—” My mouth hung open, stuck on a word. “Caught up? You
don’t just get
caught
up
, then make fake
promises.”

“
It wasn’t fake. When
I made that promise, my every intention was to try to keep
it.”

“
Well, what’s
changed? Why can’t you keep it now?”

“
You might say
reality came back to pay me a visit.”

I stared at him. “What
kind of answer is that? That tells me nothing, David.”

“
I know. I’m sorry.
I’ve done everything the wrong way here. I just wasn’t prepared to
come here and fall in love, and now that I have, I need to rethink
everything my life means.”

“
But…can’t you
rethink your life…with me in it?”

“
It’s not
viable.”

“
Viable?
Viable
?” Incredulity rose up in me like heat. “So, that’s it? No
negotiations. You’re just leaving me?”

“
It wasn’t supposed
to be for another few months.”

“
Months? You said
never
. When were you going to tell
me this—that you were leaving?”

He
swallowed.

“
You weren’t, were
you? You were just going to leave?” I edged forward, my hands on my
hips.

He moistened his lips.
“It was one option.”

I died inside then. “I
mean so little to you.”

“
No, Ara—”

“
Get off me!” I
rolled my shoulder, pulling my arm away from his touch. “God,
you’re a player. You—how could you do this to me?”

“
It wasn’t supposed
to be like this. I wasn’t supposed to love you this
way.”

“
But you do. Doesn’t that, I mean,
can’t
that change how things have to
be?”

Slowly, he turned and
looked at me. His eyes shimmered so green in the morning light, so
liquid with troubles that I wanted to look away. “I wish it
did.”

“
So, that’s it.
You’re going—leaving—today?”

He nodded.

The world went dark
behind my eyelids. I bit my quivering lip, then folded my arms,
standing straight, and walked right past him.

“
Ara, where are you
going?”

I couldn’t
speak—couldn’t even think; I just had to go to school, go to class,
just move.

“
Ara?” He grabbed my
arms and pulled me back gently. “Where are you going?”

“
I have to go. I—” I
spoke to his chest. “I can’t hear this.”

“
Why, Ara, what’s
wrong?”

“
Don’t you get it, David? You
can’t
leave.”

“
I have
to.”

“
No.” I shook my
head, folding my arms tighter. “I’ll die. If you go, I won’t be
able to go on. You’re the glue. You’re everything that’s holding me
together. How will I possibly be okay without you?”

He dropped his arms to
his sides. “Don’t say that.”

“
Why? Would you rather I lied? Would you rather I said
great
,
let’s have a freakin’ celebration—a farewell
party
. What did you honestly expect by
telling me this?”

He looked down. “I’m
not sure.”

I wiped my face with
my hand and walked away again. “I’ll see you in class.”

“
I wish I’d told you
the truth. I should have told you I’d be leaving, Ara.” He caught
up and stood in front of me, blocking my path. “I’m sorry for
that.”

“
But you didn’t. And
you wait until now, when I finally let myself need you, finally let
myself feel okay again, to tell me you’re going to take all that
away.”

“
I won’t take it.
You’ll be okay. Don’t you see? You’re okay now. You have Em, you
have your dad, Mike—”

“
They mean nothing to
me, David! They’re not you.”

He rocked back on his
heels. “I’m sorry.”

“
Sorry?” I nodded,
smiling, though the lump in my throat wanted to rip me open. “Of
course you are.” And it all broke apart. I dug the heels of my
palms into my eyes, and my shoulders hunched, shaking, as
everything I thought was okay fled my heart. I felt so unsteady,
like I was standing on the street, alone, in the pouring rain, and
even the smell of the cut grass and the vapours of the melting dew
on the hot pavement couldn’t change my mind, couldn’t make me
believe this was not some horror movie where my hero walked away,
got hit by a taxi, and I never saw him again.

“
You will get through
this,” he said coldly.

I stifled my tears,
straightening, like the strong girl I could pretend to be. “Is that
what you really believe?”

He let out a long
breath. “It’s not my heart’s desire to leave you. If you only knew
how much you mean to me, you’d know how the very idea of not being
here to hold you, to see you smile, to be the one that makes it
okay, is
killing
me. I’ve lost sleep over this, Ara. It wasn’t supposed to be
like this,” he said, his voice losing that deep, strong
tone.

“
Nothing’s ever what
we want it to be.” My lip quivered; I bit it.

“
No, it’s not. And I
betrayed you—betrayed your heart by allowing you to love me, when I
knew this would end.”

“
Did you think you
could control this?” I dug my finger into my chest. “Did you think
you could stop me falling in love with you, like it’s some
accident?”

“
I could’ve
left—before you fell for me.”

“
So, before my first
day—before English class, before you took me to the lake and made
me open up to you in a way I never thought I could with
anyone.”

He pinched the bridge
of his nose. “This is a mess.”

I rolled my shoulder
back and looked around the field. “Will he let you finish out the
day, at least?”

David shook his head.
“He’ll arrive just after lunch; I need to be there to meet with
him.”

I looked at my dad’s
house, then at my own feet for a long moment. “Just go
then.”

“
What?”

“
Go now. Just go.
Don’t drag this out.” Each sentence became more breathy, the
composure I was attempting being slaughtered by a lack of control
over anything in my life.

“
Ara, don’t cry like
that. You’ll make yourself sick again.”

“
I can’t help it. Do
you think I’m doing it deliberately?”

“
Come here.” He
reached for me.

“
No!” I shoved his
chest as hard as I could. “I said go. I don’t want to see you
anymore. I don’t want to even look at you.”

“
Ara, stop
it.”

“
No. You hurt me. You
made me love you. You made me want to be happy with you—” I drew a
deep, shuddering breath and folded over as he moved in and wrapped
me up in his arms—tucking my hands into my chest so I couldn’t
fight him.

“
Shh. It’s okay,” he
said into my hair. “It’s okay.”

“
I thought it was for
always. I pictured a future,” I sobbed inaudibly.

He slowly reached up
and rubbed his mouth with a tight hand, his eyes closed. “I know. I
did too.”

“
Then what happened?
Why are you just letting this go?”

“
This isn’t what I
want. I was stupid—I thought I’d be the exception, but Ara, I’m
not. I can’t change this.”

Like accepting death,
his words rolled over me, and I nodded. “Do you know what will
happen to me—when you’re gone?”

He grew taller,
inch-by-inch. “Don’t think that way. You’re a strong, capable
girl.” He grabbed both my arms. “You will be okay. I know
this.”

I shook my head. “No,
that’s just what you tell yourself.”

“
It’s what I
have
to tell myself,” he yelled, his gaze fixing mine. After a
moment, he gently pushed me away and walked toward my dad’s house,
stopping after a few steps. “Goddamn it, Ara.”

I crossed my hands
over my stomach to keep the contents in, drawing a few deep
breaths, watching him do the same; his back to me, hand to his
face.

The bell tolled behind
us and students broke through the school doors, their noise filling
the field—first period.

David quickly turned
and stalked closer, grabbing my arm again before he was fully at my
side. He pulled me close, glaring down at me. “What would you have
me do?”

I shoved his hand off
my arm. “Stay.”

“
And what if those
secrets of mine, those secrets you’re too innocent to handle, were
stopping that from ever being possible? Would you be ready to hear
them then?”

I stepped forward,
lifting my chin to feel taller. “Yes.”

He doubled back, his
eyes narrowing for a second. “Liar.”

I twitched a little.
“I just…I don’t want you to be something bad, David.”

“
Because you’re not
sure if you could love me?”

“
I’ve never been in love like this before; I just don’t know
what it can withstand, and I feel so fragile—” I touched my chest.
“I just feel so afraid to lose you—afraid to even
want
to stop loving
you.”

He looked around as
the students branched out in several directions, intruding on our
little battle over the end of the world. “I can talk to my uncle.
Maybe I can convince him to let me stay—at least for my original
designated allowance.”

“
But not for
always?”

He exhaled slowly,
and I knew it weaselled its way in there—the idea that a few months
wouldn’t suffice. “There
are
other options—some I, until now, haven’t been
willing to explore; but staying is not one of them.”

“
Well, what
is?”

“
None of them,
really, Ara.” He groaned, scratching his brow fiercely. “None of
them are right—not for you.”

“
Why?”

He closed his eyes.
“Because I love you. Because I want better for you. And because all
your dreams, Ara—everything you want in life could be destroyed if
we stayed together.”

“
Why?”

“
That, my love, is as
far this explanation goes without formal approval.”

My eyes narrowed as I
stepped into him, peering right into his soul. “Who the hell are
you?”

“
I’ll find a way to
explain this to you. I’ll talk to my uncle and return for you
later.”

“
When?”

“
After lunch,” he
said, and walked away without waiting for a response.

“
Hey, Ara,” Emily
beamed, racing up to where I stood; she smiled widely, looking at
me then at David wandering away. “Missed you in roll-call
today.”

“
Em?” I rolled my
head to the side, knowing full well she could see my tears. “Don’t
pretend there’s nothing going on—that just makes it
worse.”

“
Sorry.” Her
shoulders dropped. “Are you okay? Did you have a fight?”

I watched David
getting smaller and smaller as he briskly walked toward the front
parking lot. “I gotta get to class.”

“
Okay. Um,
Ara?”

I stopped, turning
stiffly back to face Em.

“
I’m sorry. I know
you’re upset, but, if you need to, like, talk or anything—” she
pulled one shoulder up and touched her cheek to it.

“
Thanks, Em. But I’m
okay, really.” I could hold in hurt just fine. I didn’t need to
talk about it.

Chapter
Twelve

As we walked to class,
Emily babbled mindlessly about the benefit concert and our
difficult mythology paper—which hadn’t sounded so difficult when
Dad assigned it—while I slipped into the safety of my proverbial
eggshell-carrycase, wandering around wearing my fake smile, even
though, inside, my guts felt like fricassee. David’s pendulum
behaviour had finally sent me nuts; my every thought centred on
reasons he might be leaving—and I kept coming back to believing it
was because of me. In my world, it didn’t matter what was wrong or
what you had to do, you’d give it all up, give up everything for
love. I’d do that for David. But then, my dad always did say I
spent too much time living in fantasyland—expecting the fairy-tale
endings I’d read about in books.