Darkness & Light (7 page)

By the time I made it through high school,
writing was the last thing on my mind. People asked what I would
major in once I got to college, and I talked about computer
science, physics, and who knows what else.

When I actually arrived at student
orientation, I found out that at some point in the application
process, I'd filled something out with computer science as my
preferred major. I went through a year and a half of school before
deciding that I didn't want to spend the rest of my life
programming. I bounced around a bit for a semester or two,
considering pre-physical therapy among other majors before landing
in accounting.

It wasn't until I was entering my graduate
work in accounting, that I realized I really did want to be a
writer. I decided to finish out my degree, but found myself sitting
in class working on stories rather than listening to the lectures.
I wrote a couple of novels/novellas and then found myself
struggling with regards to what I should work on next.

I did some outlining for a horror novel
that may someday see the light of day, and toyed around with the
concept that eventually became 
The Greater
Darkness
, but my next real success was "Absence". For a long
time it sat on my hard drive with the label 'Sad Girl' because to
me that's what it was really about. A boy and a girl, and the
tough, angst-ridden phase most real romantics tend to go
through.

I guess this one is really for all of us.
Everyone's been in Lacy's shoes to some extent or another in their
lives. No matter how you think the story ends, the choice of where
we go from there tends to be a large part of what defines us.

Lacy blinked a couple of times, ridding her
eyelashes of some of the gently falling snow, as she zipped up her
light jacket. It wasn't really all that cold, but the moonless
night and the huge snowflakes made her feel like she was the only
person alive for miles. Even the infrequent suburb streetlights,
all verging on being swallowed by the inky darkness, served only to
highlight the dark emptiness of the rest of the night.

Crossing a street, and passing through one of
the tiny pools of light, Lacy wondered if anyone had noticed when
she slipped out of her home. Fresh snow crunched under the
seventeen year old's feet, as she reached a brightly-lit house. In
stark contrast to its silent, dark neighbors, the house and yard
before her seemed to be welcoming Christmas. The floodlights and
nativity weren't enough to breath a trace of warm cheer back into
her. Not even the countless strands of lights woven through the
branches of snow-covered trees managed to do that.

Even more welcoming than the cheery yard,
were the lights blazing inside the house, a softly-glowing fire was
just visible through partially-open curtains.

Lacy hadn't planned on ending up here when
she set out from her house. In all fairness she hadn't really
planned period. She'd just known that something was bothering her,
and she needed some time to think.

Minutes had turned to hours, and the blocks
became miles. Halfway across town Lacy realized that she still
didn't know what it was that had been eating at her for the last
week or two. It was too bad that she couldn't talk to Dan.

That is what I always do when something is
bothering me, I talk to Dan and he somehow makes everything ok, or
at least survivable. For the last year he has been my best friend,
the person I could tell anything, but now he doesn't have time for
me.

Waiting for a light to change, Lacy had
kicked at the thin cover of snow on the ground. 
That isn't
fair. He doesn't mean to let me down, he is just super busy now
that he is Student Body President. College applications, studying
for tests, it all adds up. He was busy before, but with all of the
new stuff this year something had to go, I just didn't think it
would be me.

Crossing Main Street, Lacy had finally
admitted to herself that her fading relationship with Dan was
exactly what was bothering her. It took eight more blocks before
she realized exactly why. Friends tend to come and go in high
school, especially now. The days of best friends remaining together
from kindergarten on were pretty much gone. The problem wasn't that
Lacy was losing her best friend, it was that she had fallen in love
without even realizing it. Looking up at the street signs, she'd
realized she was only a few blocks from Dan's house. Overcome by a
sudden sense of boldness she decided to go and tell him what she
had been thinking.

Now here she was, stepping back a little
farther into the shadows as she tried to regain the courage that
had brought her this far, tried to fight the loneliness and doubts
that had plagued her all week.

It won't work. He doesn't think of me as
anything more than a friend. He's always telling me I should ask
out Jimmy Gines, and when I tell him I'll ask Jimmy when he asks
Teresa he gets really quiet like he wishes he had the courage to
ask her out. I'm not blond, or pretty like her. There isn't anyway
I can compete with her, especially not if he already has a crush on
her.

A pair of lights went out in the house as
someone headed towards bed, and Lacy's heart sank a little
farther. 
I'll never do it, I'll just sit here for a couple
of hours, watch all of the lights go out, and then go home hating
myself for not having done something.

A tiny quiver started to build inside Lacy as
if her emotions had become too much to contain. It just wasn't
fair. She was so tired of not having anyone. Her parents were too
busy fighting to even remember she existed most of the time.
Instead of a loving family and a secure warm home, Lacy had a tiny
frozen void in the center of her heart. A cold spot that seemed to
be growing now that she knew that Dan wouldn't be the one to fill
it.

Lacy thought about going back to school after
the break and seeing Dan again. Instead of the comfort that she'd
always drawn from thoughts of her friend, she was nearly
overwhelmed by despair. 
He'll start hanging out with
someone else, maybe even Teresa, and I'll have to watch from afar.
He'll be happy and I'll be so lonely.

The quivering had reached her outsides now,
but somehow Lacy managed to take a few steps towards the house,
passing a pair of brightly lit trees. 
I can do it. I'll
walk up to the door, and tell him that I'm falling in love with
him.

Lacy made it halfway up the driveway before
she started thinking about how everything was likely to play out.
Dan would answer the door smiling, and then as Lacy started to tell
him how she felt, his smile would change a little.

I've seen that smile a hundred times. The one
that's a bit forced, a tad awkward. It's his "how do I handle the
next few minutes without hurting someone's feelings," smile, the
one he uses when he feels like he has to do something just to be
nice. He uses it all the time when people want to hang out with him
as a way to become more 'popular', but he hasn't ever used it with
me before.

Confident steps slowed, and became tentative
before stopping altogether. In that instant Lacy gave up any hope
that Dan could ever be interested in her. She had seen the way he
looked at the girls he was attracted to, and he hadn't ever looked
at her that way.

If I do this I'll drive him away. He won't
mean to put more distance between us, but it will be too
uncomfortable for both of us, and it will only be a matter of a
week or two and it will be over. By the end we won't even be
friends.

That smile would be the gentlest form of
rejection that anyone could possibly offer, but it would be
rejection nevertheless, and Lacy couldn't possibly survive having
her best friend turn away from her like that.

Tears started to pool in her eyes, sliding
down her face and falling to join the snow covering her
jacket. 
I guess I'm a coward. At least this way I'll have a
little bit of time with him before we drift completely apart. Maybe
by then I'll be able to find another friend to help dull the
loneliness.

The last light in the house went out as Lacy
turned and stumbled through the ankle-deep snow. The tears were
coming so fast now that she couldn't see, causing her to trip over
something partially hidden in the snow on her way back to the
road.

Lacy heard a door slam shut behind her, and
sobbing she struggled back to her feet, seeking to flee before
someone tried to come and help her.

Running across the road Lacy heard Dan
calling her name, and some traitor part of her stopped just short
of the darkness, turning so she could see him running through the
snow towards her.

"Lacy, what are you doing? Your parents just
called, they said that you left home hours ago. I told them you
weren't here, but then I looked outside and there you were."

Sliding gracefully to a halt before her, Dan
cocked his head to the side. "What's wrong, are they fighting
again?"

Lacy shook her head and turned to walk away,
but Dan gently grabbed her arm. "Wait, let me drive you home,
you'll freeze in that."

Looking down at his bare feet, Dan shrugged.
"Not that I really have any room to talk mind you."

Lacy knew that she was supposed to laugh at
the comment, but it just drove home how much she was going to miss
him, and the resulting wave of sadness and loss made her want to
cry again.

As Lacy turned her head so that he wouldn't
be able to read her like he usually could, Dan reached out and
wiped a tear from her cheek. "What's the matter?"

Lacy started to tell him to leave her alone,
but as she looked into his eyes, the words somehow changed before
they left her mouth. "Once there was a girl who's best friend
started to drift away from her. She tried to be understanding, but
it just kept getting worse, and she missed him more and more every
day."

A fresh wave of loss rolled through Lacy as
she paused. "One night she couldn't take it any more. She started
walking only to find herself at his house."

Dan opened his mouth, concern blossoming in
his eyes, but Lacy shook her head and continued in a whisper. "The
real problem though is that on the way there she realized that she
fell in love with him a long time ago."

Lacy couldn't look up at Dan now, but she
forced the words past the lump in her throat.

"So she sat outside his house and hoped that
somehow he'd know she was out there. That he would come outside,
wrap his arms around her, and take away the crushing
loneliness."

The tears were back now, and Lacy couldn't
bring herself to say anything else. Not that anything else was
really needed, after what she had just said the next words out of
his mouth would be to tell her, as kindly as he was able that they
couldn't ever be anything more than friends.

A pair of seconds passed, awkward in their
solemnity, and then Dan reached out and tenderly pulled Lacy
towards him. Coming to rest against his chest, Lacy felt Dan's
tears trickle through the snow on the top of her head, and slide
down her already-wet cheek.

Author's Note:

Back in early 2009 while driving up to
Idaho to visit my parents, I had an idea for a story that involved
both paranormal/magic elements and cyberpunk type technology. At
the time I believe I was running through 'one last pass'
of 
Broken
 and as usual I was
casting about for my next project.

My wife patiently listened as I rambled on
for the better part of two hours about all of the cool elements
that I wanted to incorporate. Oddly enough, I usually start with
the magic or technology framework of whatever world I'm creating,
and then flesh out plot and character. This time was no exception
with regards to where I began, but before I really got too far into
the plot I started haring off into the presentation of the
story.

I was suspecting that part of my difficulties
in driving traffic to my website (deansonlinefiction.com) revolved
around needing more free content. A serialized story that took
advantage of some of the exciting aspects of html, specifically
designed just for a web format seemed like the way to go, and my
'Serial Story' was born.

Ultimately, I ended up getting pulled into
the idea of taking 
Broken
 and
writing it from the viewpoint of one of my other protagonists. Not
necessarily an original idea in the grand scheme of things, but a
new idea for me, and one that sunk its hooks into me and refused to
let go.

I did however steal a few minutes when I
was supposed to be outlining 
Torn
 and instead hammered out some short stories
with the intention of submitting them to some of the paying
magazines as yet another way of-you guessed it-driving more traffic
to my website.