Dates From Hell (15 page)

4

“O
h Brad.”

Claire stared in horror as Magda pressed eagerly up against her.

“I saw you notice me when you came in with Jill, and felt sure you’d want me. How clever of you to lead me to the ladies’ room.”

Oh dear, Claire thought faintly. She’d unthinkingly entered the ladies’ room rather than the men’s room and Magda was taking that as a come-on. And she couldn’t talk to explain otherwise.

Catching at Magda’s hands as they wandered over her wide “Brad Cruise” chest, Claire used the only avenue of communication she had open to her and shook her head firmly. She then tried to slip past her to unbolt the door and get out; however, Magda wasn’t cooperating.

Laughing as if she thought “Brad” was playing games, Magda shook her hands free to again run them over “Brad’s” body. “Don’t worry. Ted will keep Jill busy. He’s been steaming ever since we saw you arrive. Let them have their fun. We can have our own. I promise I’ll show you a better time than that homely little wannabe ever could.”

Claire stiffened, indignant on her friend’s behalf. Magda was a cow, a man-stealing cow, she decided grimly, then found her ability to think buried under an avalanche of shock as Magda suddenly kissed her. For one moment, Claire was so stupefied she couldn’t think. When her brain did manage to function again, the only thing it spat out was the fact that in high school, the boys had all claimed Magda was an
awesome
kisser. Claire was no expert, but to her, Magda’s kiss was limp and sloppy. Wait till Jill heard, she thought, then regained enough sense to begin to struggle.

Claire didn’t have to struggle hard this time. While she had been distracted by Magda’s kiss, the other woman had slid her hand down to where Brad’s groin should have been…and got the surprise of her life.

Breaking the kiss, Magda said with shock, “You don’t have a penis!”

“Yeah, well you’re a rotten kisser,” Claire growled in as manly a voice as she could manage. She then shoved her away, pushing her in the only direction available to her, toward the toilet. Unfortunately for the blond, it had obviously been cleaned recently and the toilet seat had been left up. Magda shrieked as she landed with a splash, then began to thrash and struggle to get out.

Claire didn’t wait to see if she did. Unbolting the door, she hurried from the stall and straight out of the bathroom. She didn’t hesitate or glance around, but charged straight out of the women’s washroom and across the hall into the men’s room, then into the first open stall she saw.

Slamming the booth door closed, Claire leaned her forehead against it and took several deep breaths, then groaned. This was bad. Magda would go out and tell everyone that Brad didn’t have a penis and Jill would be upset and—

“Claire? Brad?”

Stilling at the sound of Jill’s voice, Claire unbolted the door, opened it, and dragged Jill inside. “We have a problem.”

“What happened?” Jill asked anxiously as she relocked the stall door. “I saw Magda follow you into the ladies’ room.”

“She kissed me,” Claire blurted with disgust, then added, “And she is a
really
bad kisser. All those guys in high school must have been lying their heads off. They probably hadn’t even kissed her, because there is no way they would have thought what she gave me was a good kiss.”

Jill stared at her blankly and then burst out laughing.

“Go on, laugh,” Claire muttered. “But you won’t be laughing when you hear the rest.”

Jill stopped at once, her eyes narrowing warily. “What?”

“She grabbed me, only there was nothing to grab.”

Jill blinked, slow to comprehend. “You mean…” Her gaze dropped to “Brad’s” groin.

“Yes.”

Jill frowned. “You mean, you don’t have a ‘package’?”

“Was there a package in the picture?” Claire asked dryly, then answered herself, “No. There were pants. I have pants. No package.”

“Oh, that’s just wrong,” Jill said unhappily and then dug around in her purse, coming up with a black marker. “Give me the picture.”

Perplexed, Claire handed over the pictures she’d been clutching through all this and watched in amazement as Jill put a noticeable bump in Brad’s pants in the magazine photo. “What are you—?”

“There! Now concentrate on the picture and give yourself a package.”

“I’m supposed to be turning back to myself, Jill. I’m here with Kyle tonight, too.”

“Not till we clear this matter up,” she said firmly. When Claire opened her mouth to argue, Jill added, “You agreed to be
my
date first.”

Sighing, Claire lowered her head and concentrated on the picture, giving herself a definite bump where Brad’s package should have been.

“Nice,” Jill said with approval, then turned to unlock the stall door. “Now we’d better get out of here before another guy comes in and sees us. Everyone would think we were having sex or something.”

Jill had opened the stall door, but now paused as if reconsidering how bad an idea it would be for everyone to think she was having sex in the bathroom with Brad Cruise. Claire gave her a determined push forward. She just wanted to get this over with so she could get back to her date.

“What is it?” Jill asked as they left the men’s room.

Claire followed her gaze to her new bump and shrugged. “A bump. Just a bump.”

“Yeah, but what’s it look like under there?” Jill reached for the zipper of her trousers, but Claire knocked her hand away.

“There is no
under
there. Under there is me, remember? This is me. There are no clothes. It’s really all just
me.
”

“Right,” Jill said slowly and gave an abrupt nod. “We need to find a picture of Brad naked.”

“What?” Claire asked with disbelief and then snapped, “Do not even think it.”

“Oh please,” Jill pleaded. “Just once. You could keep your mouth shut and I could have my fantasy night. You’d never have to buy me a birthday gift or Christmas present ever again.” She tried the pitiful expression that always worked on Claire, but this time she wasn’t falling for it. This whole Brad nonsense was ruining her date with Kyle, a date she’d waited forever for. She was all out of sympathy.

“You’ve lost your mind,” Claire snapped impatiently. “These are
my
lips,
my
eyes looking out, and
my
brain. I am not Brad Cruise and neither am I a lesbian, and I am
so
not having sex with you.”

Jill sighed, giving up the attempt to talk her into it. “Yeah…I get it. Too bad though.” She suddenly reached out to poke at the lump. “Where does it feel like I’m poking you?”

“My leg,” Claire answered.

“Really?” She poked some more. “That’s kind of weird, isn’t it? I guess it means that leg cells were used to make up the lump and—”

“Jill! Magda was just telling Maureen and me—”

Claire and Jill glanced over with surprise as Meredith rushed out of the women’s room with Maureen on her heels. Her words had died abruptly and she gaped as she spotted Jill standing there with her hand on “Brad’s package.”

“What?” Maureen peered over Meredith’s shoulder with curiosity at her sudden silence, then said, “Oh,” as she took in what appeared to be Jill caught feeling up the superstar.

“Sorry,” Jill said, retracting her hand as Claire flushed with embarrassment. “I was…er…talking to Brad. What is it Magda was saying?”

Meredith hesitated, exchanging a glance with Maureen, then she grabbed Jill’s arm and pulled her several feet away. The three women went into a huddle and began to whisper in earnest.

Claire shook her head, wondering if this night would ever end. As abruptly as it had started, the huddle broke apart. Meredith and Maureen threw Claire/Brad almost leering smiles as they rushed off back toward the gymnasium.

“Well?” Claire asked as Jill returned to her side. “What did they say?”

“That Magda kissed you in the women’s washroom and felt you up and you had no package.”

“Shoot. I was afraid of that.” Claire sighed. “What did you say?”

“That Magda was just jealous. That she dragged you into the bathroom, threw herself at you, kissed you and you said she was a lousy kisser and gave her the brush off and she’s jealous so she’s spreading false stories.”

“Smart,” Claire said with a smile.

“Yeah. It helps that Brad Cruise did that full frontal nudity scene in the British movie he did last year. There was a definite package there.”

Claire blinked. “That was like a split second on the screen, too fast to see anything.”

“You’ve never heard of pause?” Jill asked, arching one eyebrow.

“You
paused
it to see him nude?” she asked with disbelief.

“Me and twenty million other women. Why do you think the DVD sold so well?”

“Dear God,” Claire muttered. “I am
so
seeing a side of you I didn’t know about.”

“Sure you knew about it,” Jill countered. “You know me better than anyone. Maybe it’s just different because you’re a guy now. Kind of.”

“Could be.” Claire sighed and promised herself she would never again slag men for being pigs. Women could be just as bad. “Now that the crisis is handled, can I change back into me?”

“Yeah, go on.”

Claire turned back to the men’s room with relief, only to stiffen as she noted the door was cracked open. As she stared, it opened the rest of the way, revealing the man who had been listening to everything.

“Kyle!” Claire squawked and then covered her mouth with horror at having given the gig away.

Kyle arched his eyebrows sternly, but merely said, “I find it hard to believe that neither of you thought to check to see if you were alone in the bathroom before talking so freely. Anyone might have heard you.”

“But how did you get here?” Jill asked with dismay. “We left you at the table.”

“I followed.”

“When? I didn’t see you,” Jill said with bewilderment.

“You were busy talking to Ted when I slipped by. Telling him you weren’t interested in his offer to start dating again,” he added dryly.

“He had the balls to ask you out again?” Claire asked with amazement, then smiled. “So you got to be the dumper after all.”

“It wasn’t as much fun as I thought it would be,” Jill told her morosely. “Really, he turned out to be a major greaseball.”

Claire started to pat her back in sympathy, then gave a startled bleat as Kyle suddenly tugged her into the men’s room.

“Hey!” Jill followed them, but Kyle just dragged Claire into a booth and slammed the door in his sister’s face.

“Would you care to explain?” he asked as he bolted the door.

Claire opened her mouth, but he forestalled her by saying, “On second thought, don’t bother. I heard enough to understand. I gather the destabilizer had an effect after all?”

“Did it!” Jill snorted from outside the booth even as Claire nodded.

Kyle tossed a glare toward the door, but merely asked, “More than the chameleon effect?”

“Yes,” Claire said reluctantly. “I can shape-shift.”

“I take it you discovered this while I was at the grocery store?”

Claire nodded again.

“And you didn’t tell me when I came back.”

Claire eyed him warily. Kyle’s expression was blank; no emotion showing at all, but there was something in his voice that suggested he wasn’t at all happy.

“Why?” he finally asked, allowing his anger to now show.

“Because she didn’t want you to see her as a lab rat,” Jill answered from outside the booth when Claire hesitated.

“A lab rat?” Kyle unlocked the door and jerked it open to glare at his sister.

Jill immediately squeezed inside, forcing Claire to move between the toilet and one wall of the booth.

Kyle hesitated, then pushed the stall door closed and bolted it again. “What do you mean she didn’t want me to see her as a lab rat?”

“Well, you’re a scientist,” Jill pointed out with a shrug, as if that said it all. Then she added, “And you’d
finally
just asked her out after the two of you have mooned over each other for years. Claire didn’t want to spoil it by telling you what had happened. She was afraid the scientist in you would start to see her as an experimental subject rather than a date.”

Kyle hesitated for a moment, then opened the door again and pushed his sister out.

“Hey! You can’t leave me out here,” Jill protested as he locked the door again. “What if someone comes in?”

“Then get out of the men’s room,” Kyle suggested.

There was a moment of silence, then the tap of Jill’s high heels moved into the booth on their right as she said, “Not on your life, brother. This is partially my fault and I am not leaving you two alone to screw things up.”

Kyle rolled his eyes and sighed, but turned to Claire and said, “I may be a scientist, Claire, but I could never see you as just an experiment. I
am
a man, too.”

A snort came from overhead, drawing their attention to the fact that Jill had apparently mounted the toilet to look over the top of the stall.

“Will you leave us alone?” Kyle asked with exasperation.

“Not till I straighten this out,” Jill insisted. “I love you two too much to see you ruin this chance.”