Dauntless (Sons of Templar MC) (26 page)

Weeks of false leads. Of sitting on his fucking hands, going insane. That’s what it felt like. His sanity came back and forward.

He’d lost it the second he found out from Gage that she was going to be stripping. Jesus, he’d put his hands on her, in anger. He’d made her feel
dirty
. He’d put that look on her face, the one that would go along with the other images of her in that room, chipping away at his sanity.

He was surprised he’d lasted that long without going around the bend. Giving in completely and utterly to the darkness that had beckoned him since he’d kicked that door in.

She’d stopped him from welcoming it, knowing she’d need him. He fuckin’ needed her, more than anything. Those snatched minutes he’d had on her doorstep weren’t enough—fuck, he didn’t even know if havin’ her chained to his side would be enough—but they were something. They took the edge off. When he saw her strength, saw glimpses of his old Becky glistening through the cracks of the new, beautiful, broken one, he had hope. Found some strength of his own. He needed her more than breath. Even more than revenge. But he still wanted that. He needed it if he was going to avoid a padded room.

Cade leaned forward. “You know why,” he said, his voice even. “We’ve got no fuckin’ intel on Carlos since this shit went down. He’s a fuckin’ ghost. Same with the Tuckers. They’ve gone underground, got lackeys runnin’ their businesses who don’t know shit. Now that they’ve got the money and firepower behind them, they’ve got the upper hand.”

Lucky crashed his fist down on the table. “Well, we need to get it back,” he roared. “I don’t care what it takes, who I have to end to get that fuckin’ intel. I’m doin’ that. I’ll go rogue if that’s what it takes. In a fuckin’ second. So we’re gonna spill some blood. Or I’m gonna spill
a lot
. Either way, I’m sending some fuckers to the reaper.”

He stood and stormed out of the room, leaving it behind with one destination in mind.

The bottom of a fucking bottle.

“
I
think
Hell is something that you carry around with you. Not somewhere you go.”

-Neil Gaiman

“
A
re you flipping serious
?” Lily exclaimed when I emerged from my room.

I glanced to Rosie, who was doing her lipstick in her compact. “I guess she told you.”

I glanced back to my best friend’s furious face. She had her arms folded. “Yeah, she told me. I was hoping that she was joking or suffering from a mental break.” She glanced to Rosie. “No offense.”

Rosie shrugged. “None taken. It could totally happen. Sanity’s not something I’ve got an ironclad hold on. I’m at peace with it. ”

I put my hand on my hip. “I thought you said you supported my decision,” I snapped at her.

“I do. But mostly when I support decisions, there should be a red light flashing somewhere. Right about there.” She pointed to the wall above my head.

I rolled my eyes and moved to pick up my other boot which I’d been searching for. It was the last thing I needed to leave the house. The last little piece of armor.

Lily snatched it from my grasp before I could get it.

I straightened, scowling at her. “Give me my boot, Lil.”

She scowled back. “No. I will not give it back until you tell me you’re not going.”

“Well then, I’ll have to find some new footwear. Because I’m going,” I said firmly.

“No, you’re not,” she argued.

“Yes, I am.”

“Fuck!” she shouted and I flinched at not only the volume of her voice, but the word itself. Lily didn’t curse. Hardly ever. And there she was, cursing, injecting a shitload of feelings in that one ugly word.

She stepped forward, her eyes glistening. “You can’t go back there,” she croaked. “To that, after what you went through. I can’t let you.”

“I have to,” I whispered. “That’s the only place I can go back. Where I can make sense. Scramble up a bit of fucking normalcy. I can’t hide away in here for the rest of my life, going insane. Only rich people get to wallow in insanity. Everyone else has to figure a way through it, make bank. This is my way through, Lils.”

It was the reopening of the Diamond Lounge. It had almost burned the day… my mind stuttered. When they’d taken me they’d lured Lily there, tried to kill her and Gabriel. I swallowed ash at the prospect of going there, literally dancing on the spot my best friend and my… he almost died.

It wasn’t like dancing on their graves since they were both alive, but it was like dancing on mine because that was the place I’d been before. The person I was before.

“You’re only just getting back on your feet. You’re getting through. Considering what happened to you….” Lily’s eyes were pleading.

“Considering what happened to me, reclaiming my body for myself is the best thing for me to do,” I said firmly. I reached forward to squeeze her hand, ignoring my own discomfort at doing so. She needed the contact, so I breathed through it. “Lil, they’ve still got it. Got me in that terrible fucking room. I’ve got to do something to steal it back from them. To show them and show myself I’ve got some fucking agency over my own body. Taking my clothes off for a room full of horny men doesn’t seem to you like that’s what I’m doing, but that’s what it is for me. Normal.”

She blinked at me a couple times and then nodded, handing me my boot.

“Thanks, babe.”

“I’m coming,” she declared.

“No, you’re not,” I said firmly. No way was I subjecting her to flashbacks of that shit.

She folded her arms. “You can’t stop me. You’re gonna take back your body? Well, I’m gonna take back mine too.”

I straightened from putting my boot on. “Well, shit. I love that biker most of the time for helping you realize how kick-ass you are, but I kind of hate him now. You’re giving me a run for my money.”

Her face went sad. “No, you’ll always hold the title for most kick-ass,” she said quietly.

I shook the moment off. “Well yes, because of my choice of footwear. Much better ass-kicking attire than those.” I nodded to her pink open-toed stilettos. They looked expensive, no doubt a gift from Asher. He did that often. Gave her shit, shit that she never could have afforded. He spoiled her.

I loved him for that too.

* * *

“
D
oes Lucky know about this
?” Lily asked in the car on the way to the club.

“Yeah, he knows,” I muttered.

“Oh I sense juice,” Rosie said, tapping the staring wheel.

“How did he take it? Not the best, I’m guessing,” Lily asked.

“You could say that,” I muttered, my body going cold at his violent reaction. “He’s dealing.”

Lily gaped at me. “Lucky’s dealing?” she repeated.

Rosie met my eyes. “Does
dealing
mean he’s going to brandish his gun at the door and make sure no one with a dick enters the premises?”

I folded my arms, frowning. “No, we spoke about that. He promised not to shoot anyone.”

Rosie grinned. “Yeah, he promised not to
shoot
anyone. That still doesn’t rule out threatening to shoot.”

“Fuck,” I muttered as we pulled into the parking lot. I grabbed my phone.

M
e
: You are also forbidden from brandishing any kind of deadly weapon to intimidate people tonight.

I
gathered
my stuff and got ready to exit the car. Lily’s small voice stopped me. “Are you sure you want to do this, babe?” she asked, her face pinched with concern.

“Why does everyone keep asking me that?” I whined.

Rosie raised her brow at me. “Maybe because it’s only been a month and a half since you’ve gotten back from Dante’s Inferno and you’re ready to strip in front of half the male population?” she deadpanned.

I scowled at her. “I’m not sure what everyone expects me to do. Hide away in my bedroom, too scared to face the world in case it presents me with horrors? Not really my style.” I didn’t add that, alone at night, in my bedroom, was where the worst horrors were presented.

“And that’s why I want to be you when I grow up,” Rosie said, smiling sadly.

“Oh trust me, you do not want to be like this.”

She frowned. “Agree to disagree, babe.”

I rolled my eyes and looked back to Lily. “You understand why I’ve got to do this?” I asked quietly.

She chewed her lip. “Yeah,” she whispered. “But I fucking hate that I understand it. I hate that you have to.”

Her tears hit me hard.

She managed to pull it together. “But I’m also proud. And I know Mom would be too.”

Okay, right in the heart. Or the lump of coal that was lying in my ribcage. My phone dinged.

G
abriel
: No fair :( That means I can’t come at all because my entire body is a deadly weapon. Take it back.

I
would have thought such
an expression was impossible after Lily’s words, but I grinned down at the text.

M
e
: You’re officially an idiot. I’ll clarify to say no physical weapons of any sort to be used.

“
W
hat’s so funny
?” Lily asked as we walked to the doors.

I glanced up. “Just Lucky.”

She smiled. “Remind me to kiss that man when I see him.”

Get in line, sister.

* * *

I
was
fine with the multitude of stares from the girls and bikers in the club when I arrived. Even with the old lady posse who swarmed me as soon as I walked in. Though, thankfully, they must have been clued in on my ‘no touch’ rule because they kept their distance. I was fine putting makeup on in the crowded dressing room, fielding the stares of the fellow dancers, pretending not to hear their whispers. They weren’t malicious, but I didn’t think they expected me there.

I was fine slipping into my costume for the night.

Well, fine wasn’t exactly it. I was desperate for a fucking fix. I sat in my dressing chair, tapping my feet and fingers just so I didn’t scratch my arms raw. Doing this sober, while trying not to think of what I was doing and how much it affected Gabriel, was not a breeze.

But I managed.

Just.

G
abriel
: Break a leg.

Gabriel: Please don’t actually break anything.

Gabriel: Now I’m worried about the safety precautions of this place. It doesn’t have a good track record. I heard someone got shot here.

Gabriel: Take good care of those legs please.

H
is rapid-fire
texts not only gave me something to concentrate on, but something to smile about. Not actually smile, but almost smile.

“You’re up, babe,” Cadence said.

My blood ran cold but I stood, reluctantly placing my phone and my connection to Gabriel down.

She looked me up and down. “You look hot.”

I did. Slathered in heavy makeup and red lipstick, my newly cropped hair spiking out in all directions. My outfit wasn’t much, all black with suspenders, ripped fishnets, and combat boots, but it was me. And me was good.

She glanced to the curtain. “There are a lot of people out there. A lot of guys from the club, though I hear they’re all under strict orders to look at their feet the moment you strut your ass out there.” She grinned. “It may or may not have to do with a certain biker sitting front and center who just asked me what our history was with people tripping on loose floorboards.”

I rolled my eyes.

She went serious. “You don’t want to do this, no one’s gonna judge you.”

I straightened my back. “I can do this,” I declared. “People are gonna judge me either way.”

And as if on cue, my music sounded.

I was fine the entire walk done the T-shaped stage. The music was pulsing in my ears, the lights obscuring most of the audience. Then I got to the end. To the pole. And the lights were bright. There was no hiding under makeup or costumes—they showed it all. The dirt, the filth, the spots where fire had eaten away the wood I was standing on. The blood. His blood. His life nearly draining away on that exact spot.

The spot where I was going to shake my fuckin’ ass and strip.

I tasted bile.

People were watching. I couldn’t see them, but I could feel their stares and I knew they saw.

The music faded away. The lights. The cavernous room.

Everything was colder, darker, smaller. More painful.

I was there, with them, and I couldn’t escape.

* * *

I
blinked awake in a second
. Everything was there in a rush, jarring and slightly unnerving.

Gabriel stood immediately once he saw me push myself up from the bed.

He rushed forward, moving like he was going to cup my face, but he stopped at the last minute.

“You’re awake.” The two words were drenched in relief.

I frowned at my surroundings, understanding where I was due to the motorcycle paraphernalia and the musky scent of the sheets.