Dead Drunk II: Dawn of the Deadbeats (Dead Drunk: Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse... One Beer at a Time Book 2) (12 page)

Trent nodded.
“No problem. We’ve got half a tank of gas and we’re barely a few hours away.
You girls can sleep in the trailer, and by the time you wake up we’ll be home
free.” He grinned. “Now, if you choose to reward us after saving you and the
world, well I won’t complain.”

Jackie
laughed at his hubris. “Get us there first. And I’m riding up front.”

“Sure thing.
We’ll just toss out some of the junk inside to make room for the others.
Marquell, a little help?”

They headed
towards the back and passed a detailed painting on the side of the cab that
showed a horse rider jumping through a ring of fire. The previous owner had
been known as “The Flaming Cowboy” for surviving numerous car bombs in Iraq,
but he hadn’t lasted ten minutes into the apocalypse. It just went to show that
when it’s your time to go, you go.

“I call dibs
on the black chick,” Trent whispered to Marquell. “Non-negotiable.”

“Bullshit,”
Marquell whispered in reply. He ignored a pair of brass truck nuts dangling
underneath the license plate and unlocked the door to the trailer, shoving it
upwards. Some of the raunchy freight had shifted during Russ’s stunt and tumbled
onto the ground. One of the packages began buzzing loudly.

Trent
chuckled at the inappropriate pile of novelties, but then his face turned pale
and he grew still. Standing back a few feet into the shadows was a man with a
gun and a bowler hat.

Xavier McDaniels,
last of the Gutter Punks, psychopath, and all around dickhead had been stowed
away like the yeti in Russ’s favorite movie,
Big Trouble in Little China
.
Xavier grinned but didn’t say a word. His gun talked for him as he fired
several times into the group at point blank range.

Trent knew
what he should do. He knew what he must do. And for the first time in his life,
he actually did it. Several bullets struck him as he jumped in front of Jackie
and her friends. Whether it was guilt over his past actions or his blossoming
heart, the cop had stepped up in a big way. But he paid dearly for it, and now
writhed in agony on the ground.

Unfortunately
Trent’s bulky body had not stopped all the bullets, and Jen lay dead next to
him with a gunshot wound to the temple. Painless and quick. It was her time to
go.

Xavier jumped
down from the trailer while keeping his gun pointed at the others, prepared to
execute them one by one. He’d been hiding inside for days, dying of thirst,
plotting his revenge, and waiting for someone to eventually unlock the door.

Long seconds
passed and he still hadn’t spoken a word, enjoying the look of terror on his
surprised victims’ faces. Having gloated enough, Xavier aimed at Trent’s chest
to finish him off.

However,
before he could pull the trigger, one of the crushed zombies – or one half of a
crushed zombie to be precise – reached out from underneath the truck and
grabbed his leg. Panicking, Xavier fired several times into the zombie’s skull
and kicked the dead beast away.

Marquell rushed
forward but Xavier whirled and pointed the gun directly at his face, stopping
the man in his tracks. The Gutter Punk didn’t fire though. He’d lost track of
how many shots were left, and if he ran out the angry group was sure to beat
him to death. Xavier instead stepped sideways and grabbed the first woman
within arm’s reach. It was Mary.

The others
tensed up even further, as if ready to charge. He needed a plan, and quick.
Xavier knew he couldn’t drive a big rig, and so it was off to the forest with his
hostage in tow. He backed up, clutching Mary tightly with the gun pressed
firmly to her spine.

“The minute I
see one of you assholes following me, she’s the first to die.” He nodded to
Trent. “I’ll see you in hell. It looks like you’ll be waiting for me.” But
Trent had already passed out from pain and blood loss.

Xavier walked
backwards for several yards and then dragged Mary off towards the forest. They
disappeared a moment later as the others tried to stop Trent’s bleeding and
argued about what to do.

Jackie pushed
Jen’s lifeless eyes shut. “We need to go get Mary,” she said, steeling her
nerves. “We can’t just leave her with that murderer. She wouldn’t do that to
us.”

Surprisingly,
Padma dissented. “But if he sees us he’ll kill her on the spot. I don’t know if
there’s much that we can do about that. Besides, the woods are still crawling
with the hungry ones.”

Jackie shook
her head while clutching her axe furiously. “We have to try.”

“This man is
seriously hurt, but thankfully the bullets went clean through,” Padma said,
turning back to Trent. “Still, it’s imperative to get these wounds closed up
ASAP. I can do it, but it will take proper tools. We need to find a hospital.”

Russ had
staggered back to the action moments earlier and saw Trent’s gaping injuries
and Jen’s prone body. “Aw, fuck it,” he said sadly. Then his mouth started to
water and his stomach growled. He turned around after tossing his pirate shirt
to Padma for a bandage.

Underneath
the costume was what one would expect: a stained white t-shirt with an
amateurish tribal tattoo peeking out from the neckline. In many ways, the man
broke the mold. But in others he fit the usual stereotypes down to a T.

“Put him in
the back of the trailer and I’ll get us to a hospital. I know a shortcut.”

To say that
Big Rob had been pouting all morning would be a vast understatement. He had
even almost sulked his way through lunch. Almost. But after wolfing down some
of Vlad’s free-range fried chicken, he went right back to giving his nemesis
the stink eye while bringing up the rear.

It was still
painful for Katya to talk, but she was determined to do her part for the group.
At the moment, that meant cheering up her protector and offering some heartfelt
advice. She timidly touched his shoulder. “There are not many people left. The
ones that are must be left for a reason. Trust in that.”

Rob wanted to
believe his new friend and could see she was sincere, but his anger and
resentment levels were too strong for kind words to overcome. “You don’t
understand, Katya. My whole life has been shit. Sorry, I meant poop. And for
one moment it looked like Big Rob was gonna come out on top. I was fighting for
a world title, and my dreams were within reach. And Vlad, he took it from me.
Made me an even bigger joke than I already was. I still have nightmares about
that night. Just looking at him makes me want to throw up.”

Katya was
undeterred by Rob’s reaction and the fact that every word she spoke physically
hurt. “If things were different, would you be here right now? With loved ones
like Charlie, and yes, even Left-Nut?”

“I guess
not,” Rob said. “Who knows where I would have ended up, but I sure would have
been too busy for Blake’s bachelor party.”

“So maybe it
worked out for best? All have roles to play, and yours might be just beginning.
Possibly Vlad’s too?”

“Sure.”

“What’s that
smell?” she asked, the flawless side of her face wrinkling in displeasure as
the scarred side remained motionless.

“Sorry, I
beefed,” Rob said and turned bright red. “Might want to get upwind of me for a
few minutes.”

Katya nodded.
“We can finish our talk later.”

“That’s a
good idea. There’s probably more where that came from. But thanks. I’ll be
thinking about what you said.”

Up ahead, a
different type of conversation was going on.

“Stop calling
Sam a pledge and stop cussing so freaking much,” Charlie said to Left-Nut.
“He’s just a kid, and no, he’s not going through hell week. And Katya’s a nun,
goddammit. Let’s try to have some class for once. Can you dial it back a
little?”

“You mean I
can’t call you a douche-gargling thundercunt?” Left-Nut asked.

“No.”

“How about a
fucktard?”

“Nope,”
Charlie replied.

“A butthead?”

“Reel it back
in. Too far,” Charlie said.

“A
jerkwagon?”

“Acceptable.
But in case you haven’t noticed, the rest of us are getting along pretty well.
Even Vlad has been okay so far. Your shtick is getting old.”

Left-Nut
dropped his act for just a moment. “I never signed up for this long, sucky
adventure, remember? Rob pulled me from the helicopter. I was home free. Heck,
I’d already be at the base right this second.”

“Oh, I
remember. You were willing to leave us behind.”

“Not
everyone’s a hero. You were just like me a few weeks ago. Maybe on the inside
you still are.”

The words stung
Charlie because they were some of the truest Left-Nut had ever spoken. “Look,
we’re just a few days out from the base. If you’re so miserable you can go your
own way when we get there. I won’t let Rob stop you this time.”

As if to
signal the end of the discussion, a zombie wearing tattered clothing stumbled
onto the trail. Rob instantly ran towards it, prepared to demolish the
middle-aged woman with little effort. But Vlad was faster and threw his massive
blade after tucking out of an entirely unnecessary monkey-roll. The knife flew
past Rob’s head and caught the cannibal in the throat, ending the thing’s life
with a rasp and a gurgle.

“You almost
cut my damned nose off!” Rob shouted as he walked briskly towards Vladimir.

The Bulgarian
cracked his knuckles and turned to face Rob. “Vlad faster. Always have been. Is
why you lost in Vegas.”

“That’s
garbage and you know it. You tapped out and everyone saw it on the video.”

Vlad smiled
broadly and chuckled. “Is sour grapes.”

“Fuck your
grapes! Communist bastard.”

“Again, not
communist, simple fuck.”

“Guys, take
it down a notch,” Charlie said as the twin titans’ temperatures rose. Of
course, they ignored him.

Left-Nut
grinned at Charlie. “One big happy family, huh? Aren’t you going to tell them to
stop cussing too?”

The shouting
brought two more cannibals in from the woods and both of the warriors raced
towards them. Vladimir stopped hard before darting to the side and sweeping his
leg out for a trip. The zombie fell face first and the fighter was upon it in a
flash. He wrapped his arm underneath the creature’s chin and broke its neck
with a quick snap.

Not to be
outdone, Rob tossed his bat aside and grabbed the last zombie underneath both
armpits, hoisting the man high into the air until its head got caught
between  two thick tree limbs. Big Rob jumped up and yanked down hard at
the same time. The result was a gruesome pop as the headless body tumbled to
the ground with Rob on top of it.

“This is like
break dance fighting, but dumber,” Smokey said. “And it’s gonna get us all
killed.”

“Enough!”
Charlie said with conviction. “Both of you knock it off. And grow up while
you’re at it.”

Rob hung his
head while Vlad shrugged his shoulders and retrieved his blade from the downed
zombie. The meathead eruption was over, but it could happen again at any time,
and Charlie knew it.

Ping and Pong
emerged from up ahead to see what all the commotion was about, and Left-Nut
spent a few minutes attempting to communicate with them. Finally they agreed to
return to their scouting positions, and the long march continued.

Smokey tried
to settle things down and struck up a conversation with Vlad. “You were a
paratrooper, huh? You’d never catch me jumping out of a plane,” Smokey said.

Vlad smiled.
“In Bulgaria, sometimes safest option.”

“I’d go
parachuting if I could,” Sam said. “I’ve never even been in a plane though. I
rode the train once.”

“First time
Vlad jumped, pissed pants. Just like Rob did when—” Screams from nearby stopped
him mid-sentence. “Sounds like woman,” he said.

A minute
later the entire crew was assembled on the edge of the forest with a
dilapidated farmhouse dead ahead. Someone was yelling for help from inside and
the noise had attracted several cannibals that were now milling about on the
porch, attempting to find a way inside.

“Could be a
trap. They call out for help and then pick us all off in the field,” Charlie
said. “It’s an easy way to get supplies.”

Sam nodded.
“I lost one of my friends kind of like that. We were just looking for food and
they shot him. That’s why I said we should avoid farmhouses, remember?”

“But who
would just be yelling like this in the middle of nowhere?” Smokey said.
“Especially if it’s gonna draw zombies.”

Charlie
sighed. That usually meant he would regret the decision that was coming. “How
does this sound? We draw those random dickheads over here and take them out.
Then we send one volunteer in to check out the situation. We help someone out,
and if we find supplies, well that’s just the cherry on top. Any takers?” Rob
and Vlad both volunteered, and Charlie did not feel like arguing about it.
“You’ll both go then.  After we kill the… hey I said we’d—”

The men were
already racing across the field and would arrive at the derelict house any
moment.

“I’m going
too,” Smokey said and took off.

“Fine, all of
us then. But spread out,” Charlie said and the rest followed him into the open.

The zombies
on the porch didn’t even notice Vlad until he reached the first one, jabbing
his knife through the back of its neck and ripping violently to the side. He
turned to face the second but Rob was already swinging away, the pinging sound
of his bat marking each deathblow.

As everyone
safely reached the porch, Katya said a quick prayer for the fallen while the
screams from inside continued. Rob kicked the wooden door off its rusty hinges
and it fell inwards, shooting up a cloud of dust while a swarm of flies buzzed
around them before disappearing in the wind. The smell inside was as thick and
nauseating as the corner store by Charlie’s apartment.

Left-Nut
backed away. “Nope. I’m not doing it. I’ll be waiting out here.”

The screaming
continued and appeared to be coming from upstairs. “Momma! Momma, get up here
now!” Of course, this caused even more zombies to begin running from the woods.

Left-Nut walked
inside. “Never mind,” he said as the others put the door back into place and
shoved a china hutch filled with porcelain pigs up against it.

The rest of
the house was a complete disaster, with newspapers, empty cans of double-meat
chili, fast food wrappers galore, and plain old junk everywhere.

“Man, this
place reminds me of that hoarding show I used to watch,” Smokey said as he
slipped in a pile of rat droppings. “I’d get baked and think about going into a
place like this and just how much fun I’d have recycling everything.”

“It was
probably already a dump before the shit hit the fan,” Left-Nut said as the
creatures outside began to pound on the door.

Charlie
ignored the chatter. “We should get upstairs and stop that racket.”

“I found Momma,”
Sam said from around a mountain of newspapers in what appeared to be a living
room. Nearby, a middle-aged woman sat on a 70s style couch. A shotgun was in
the lady’s mouth and her brains stained the ceiling as if someone had thrown a
large tomato in the air.

“Blood’s
completely dried up, which means she’s been dead several days,” Smokey said,
playing amateur detective once more. He pointed to the brain matter on the
ceiling and did his best David Caruso impersonation. “I guess she was a bit of
an… airhead. Yeah!”

Charlie
rolled his eyes and then cautiously made his way up a staircase crowded with
towers of crumbling books that threatened to tip over at any moment. The
yelling intensified as he neared the source. Charlie nodded to the Koreans and
then nudged the bedroom door open. Ping and Pong entered, ready to blast away
if needed, but they quickly lowered their weapons and walked out, holding their
noses.

Charlie
peeked around the corner and the stench overwhelmed him. The room smelled even
worse than downstairs due to a full-throated bouquet of body odor, human waste,
dirty dishes, and a moldy carpet soiled with only god knows what. Sunken into a
queen-sized bed was a king-sized man that looked like he weighed nearly five
hundred pounds.

He looked at
Charlie with a mixture of panic and hope. “Who are you? Where’s my Momma!” he
asked in a high-pitched whiny voice.

“Shh, shh.
It’s okay. My names Charlie and—”

“Do you have
something for me to eat?” Charlie shook his head and the man went right back to
calling for his mother like a baby bird chirping for a worm. An enormous baby
bird. “Momma, I’m hungry! Where’s my chili! You promised!” 

Charlie
stepped closer and heard the rotted floor groan underneath him. Left-Nut and
Smokey peeked around his shoulder and their combined weight was about to cause
a disaster. “Be right back,” Charlie said while shoving his friends into the
hallway. He took a breath of somewhat fresher air and then gathered everyone
downstairs.

“What’s going
on up there?” Katya asked. “Is someone injured?”

Charlie was
about to explain when the screaming upstairs picked up again. After a few
seconds it died down, and he was able to get a sentence in. “Let’s just say we
have a big problem on our hands.”

“You think?
And here I thought Rob was a fatass,” Left-Nut said, earning a punch to the
arm. “This guy’s a real butterball. We’re talking all-you-can-eat zombie
buffet.”

“Oh, so
you’re a fat-shamer now too?” Smokey said. “Is there no depth to your
depravity?”

“Far from it.
I’ve nailed more fat chicks than anybody. Ain’t no shame in my game.”

Charlie was
about to lose it and none of his usual tricks to ignore Left-Nut were working.
“You’re like a bad case of herpes. Always flaring up at the worst times.”

“Speaking
from experience?” Left-Nut turned to smirk at Katya and whispered, “Charlie
banged a hooker. Shocking, I know. I was very disappointed in him.”

“Just knock
it off,” Charlie said, trying to calm himself down. “Look, the screamer is his
own worst enemy, not ours.”

Left-Nut
scoffed. “Here we go again with Captain Feelings over here.”

“The dude’s
mom wasn’t doing him any favors either, feeding him like that,” Smokey said.
“Nobody gets that big on their own. You need an accomplice for that.”

Charlie
nodded. “By the looks of this place the lady was shoveling cans of chili into
his mouth and then offed herself when it ran out.”

“I will talk
with the poor soul,” Katya said and headed for the stairs. “Maybe I can calm
him down.”

Charlie
grabbed her wrist. “It isn’t safe. The floor’s disintegrating as we speak and
it could cave in.”

“So?” Smokey
said. “We can’t leave him like this. He’ll starve. It might take a while, but
still.”

 “What,
you gonna shoot him?” Left-Nut asked. “Kind of goes against this humanitarian
streak you guys have going.”

As the argument
continued, Sam got bored and went off to explore the rest of the house. He
returned moments later with an ashen look on his face. “There’s another body
over there.”

“And?”
Left-Nut said.

“You might
want to take a look. This one’s different.”