Dead famous (9 page)

‘You rotten bitch,’ said Layla.

‘You cow,’ said Kelly.

‘That was a pretty low trick. Moon,’said Dervla.

‘I don’t think sexual abuse is a very funny subject.’

‘Well, it passed the time, didn’t it?’ Moon said.

‘Night.’ There was another long pause. Finally Kelly broke the silence.

‘So were you telling the truth about your breast implants, then?’ She asked.

‘Oh, yeah, couldn’t do without me kajungas, could I? I reckon they help me with me balance when I’m on the trapeze.’ As peace once more descended upon the room, Dervla thought she heard Sally sob.

DAY THIRTY-THREE. 5.10 p.m.

I
t had been six days since the murder, and Sergeant Hooper and his team continued with the huge task of trawling through the vast archive of unseen Peeping Tom footage. Searching diligently for any hint of an incident that might have turned somebody’s mind to murder. It was gruelling work even for Hooper, who was a big House Arrest fan, fitting their audience profile and advertiser expectations perfectly. Hooper was the opposite of Coleridge, a very modern copper, a hip, mad-for-it, bigged-up, twenty-first- century boy with baggy trousers, trainers, an earstud and a titanium Apple Mac Powerbook. Hooper and his mates never missed any of the various reality TV shows, but even he was being ground down by the task he now faced. Fortunately not all seven hundred and twenty hours a day of camera activity were available to the police, the vast bulk of it having been discarded on a daily basis by the Peeping Tom editors. But there were still hundreds of hours left, and watching it was like watching paint dry. Worse, at least paint did eventually dry. This lot seemed to stay wet for ever. Hamish picking his nose again…Jazz scratching his bum. The girls doing their yoga, again. Garry doing more press-ups. Garry doing chin-ups on the doorframes. Garry running on the spot…Hooper was beginning to despise the people in the house, and he did not want to. Quite apart from the fact that he did not think it would help him in his detection work, in a way these were his people. They had similar interests and ambitions, a similar honest conviction that they had a right to be happy. Hooper did not want to start thinking like Coleridge. What was that man like? Always banging on about the housemates having no sense of ‘duty’ or ‘service’ or ‘community’. As if wanting to have it large made you an enemy of society. Nonetheless, they were seriously beginning to wear him down. It was just that they never did anything, and, more irritatingly, they never thought anything. That most defining of all human characteristics, the capacity for abstract thought, was pressed solely into the service of…of…Nothing. Hooper cursed inwardly. He was even beginning to think like Coleridge. And of clues to a murder there were none. Until Trisha spotted something. Not much, but something.

‘Have a look at this, sergeant,’ she said.

‘Arsey little moment between Kelly the slapper and David the ponce.’

‘Arsey, constable? Slapper? Ponce?’ Hooper replied, in Coleridge’s schoolmasterly tone, and they both smiled grimly at the thought of the linguistic strictures under which they were obliged to work. It was only a minor incident, just a whisper of a possibility, but then the police had long since given up any hope of happening upon the obvious.

‘We are looking for a catalyst,’ Hooper explained to the assembled officers.

‘In chemistry, sometimes the tiniest element, if added to other compounds, can cause the most explosive results. That’s what we’re looking for: a tiny psychological catalyst.’ It had sounded good when Coleridge had said it to Hooper, and it sounded even better when Hooper showed off with it to his constables. Coleridge might have the lines, but Hooper felt that he knew how to deliver them. The potential catalyst that Trisha had found was tiny indeed. It had not even been interesting enough for Peeping Tom to broadcast it, but Trisha found it interesting, and so did Hooper.

DAY NINE. 12.20 p.m.

K
elly, Jazz and David were in the hot tub together. As usual, David was talking.

‘It’s interesting what you said yesterday about wanting to be an actress, Kelly. Because actually everybody in here is acting. You know that, don’t you? This house is a stage and all the men and women merely players.’

‘Not true,’ Jazz replied, with his customary abundance of self- confidence.

‘I’m being my true self, guy. What you see is what you get, because everything I got is too good to hide.’

‘Oh, what nonsense. Nobody is ever truly themself.’

‘And how do you know that, Mr Clever Arse Mind Games?’

‘Because we don’t completely know ourselves.’

‘That’s rubbish, that is.’

‘Well, admit it, Jason.’

‘Jazz.’

‘Whatever. Haven’t you ever surprised yourself, spotted some new and different personal angle that you’ve never seen before?’

‘Well, I once squatted over a mirror. That was a bit of a shock,I can tell you,’said Jazz,and Kelly laughed loudly, a big, brash, irritating laugh. Irritating to David, anyway.

‘I was staring straight up my arse, man,’ Jazz continued, grinning broadly, ‘and even I was having trouble loving it!’ David was suddenly angry. He took himself very seriously and liked others to do the same.

‘I can assure you, Jason, that we are all actors in life, presenting ourselves as we wish others to see us. That is why those of us who actually are actors, like myself, understand our world and the people in it more fully than ordinary folk do. We know the tricks, we read the signs. We recognize that we live in a world full of performers. Some of us are subtle, some are hams, but every one of us is acting. Seeing through your performance, jazz, is my bread and butter.’ Jazz didn’t reply for a moment.

‘That’s bollocks,’ he said finally, which was sadly well below his usual natural wit. David smiled. Then Kelly leaned forward and whispered something in David’s ear. It was hard to catch, but there was no doubt about what she said. What Kelly said to David was: ‘I know you.’ Then she leaned back against the side of the tub and looked straight into David’s eyes. David returned her stare, his superior smirk undaunted. He seemed unruffled. He was about to be ruffled. Very. For Kelly leaned forward once more and whispered something else into David’s ear.

DAY THIRTY-THREE. 5.30 p.m.

T
his time neither Sergeant Hooper nor Trisha could quite catch what Kelly said. None of the officers working in the room could work it out at all. It sounded something like ‘Far corgi in heaven.’

‘That can’t be right, surely,’ said Hooper.

‘It would seem unlikely,’Trisha agreed. Whatever it was that Kelly whispered, David had understood it and had not liked it. There on the screen his expression clearly changed, subtly — he was too good an actor for his face to give much away — but his expression changed. Suddenly the smug, superior smile had disappeared. He looked scared.

DAY THIRTY-FOUR. 9.00 a.m.

H
ooper showed Coleridge the tape the following morning.

‘Whatever ‘Far corgi in heaven’ means, sir, and that is certainly not quite what she said, it indicates to me that Kelly knew David before they entered the house.’

‘It’s possible,’ conceded the inspector.

‘I reckon probable, sir,’ said Hooper, running the tape once more.

‘When she says ‘I know you’ I thought at first she meant she knew him psychologically, because that’s what David was talking about.’

‘Of course.’

‘But then she says the other stuff, the corgi bit, and that’s clearly something that only David understands, some secret or experience from the outside world that they share.’

‘No doubt about that, sergeant,’ Coleridge agreed, ‘but it doesn’t necessarily mean they’d met. Kelly may have recognized something in David that enabled her to work something out about him.’

‘I don’t count Kelly as the brightest apple in the barrel, sir. Working things out is not really her thing. I think they’d met.’

‘Well, if they had then that is certainly a most significant discovery. Our whole catalyst theory is based on the presumption that they were all strangers. If two of them knew each other then that changes the dynamics across the whole group.’ For the first time the two detectives felt they might have a shred of a lead.

‘So how do you read it, then, sergeant? Do you think that whatever Kelly recognized in David she recognized from the start?’

‘Not unless she was as good an actress as she’d like to be. That first day was an absolute blank for her, I reckon. She just ran around shrieking, jumping in the pool and falling out of her top. Can’t say I noticed a single reflective moment. No, I think that whatever it was that made the penny drop for Kelly happened later. At some point David gave himself away, and Kelly spotted something about him that she recognized.’

‘In that case I imagine it would have occurred not too long before she revealed her knowledge to David.’

‘For sure. Kelly does not strike me as the sort of girl to keep a juicy thing like that to herself. She couldn’t wait to slap our Dave in the face with it, particularly after the way he put her down the previous day about her acting ambitions.’

‘Well, if that’s correct, then whatever she saw she must have seen between the conversation around the pool and the conversation in the hot tub. What were they doing on the evening of day eight?’

‘Tattoos!’ Said Hooper.

‘They were comparing tattoos! I’ve seen the tape.’

‘Well, let’s take another look at it.’ By the time Hooper had reloaded the video tape, Trisha had joined them, and together they sat down to study the faces of Kelly and David as the group discussed tattoos. Supper was over and with the exception of Woggle the housemates were all sitting about on the couches. They had just completed a small task set by Peeping Tom in which each housemate was loaned a pencil and paper and had to write down their predictions of who they thought would be left in the house at the end of week seven. They were also encouraged to jot down any other thoughts they might have about how things would pan out. All the pieces of paper were then put in a big brown envelope marked ‘Predictions’, which was solemnly sealed and placed at the back of the kitchen unit. It was after that that the conversation turned to tattoos. They all had something to exhibit except Dervla and Jazz.

‘I’m too black,’ Jazz said, ‘besides which my skin is too beautiful to be improved.’

‘I don’t have an explanation as to why I don’t have any tattoos,’ said Dervla.

‘Except to say that it is extraordinary to me that these days when people talk about their tattoos it’s the people who don’t have them who have the explaining to do. Maybe that’s why I don’t want one.’

‘Good for you,’ said Coleridge, sipping from his china mug. Hooper and Trisha said nothing. Hooper had the Everton football club badge tattooed on his shoulder and Trisha had a butterfly on her left buttock. On the screen Garry was explaining that the eagle on his ankle stood for strength, honour and truth.

‘What does the clenched fist on your shoulder stand for? Wanker?’ Jazz enquired.

‘No, it bleeding well doesn’t,’ Garry replied.

‘Even though I am Olympic class in that particular sport.’ The girls groaned.

‘My clenched fist also stands for strength, honour and truth. What’s more, I’m going to get another one done across me back. I’m going to get ‘strength, honour and truth’ written out in gothic script. It’s my motto.’ The group indicated that they had rather gathered this. Then Moon showed the floral arrangement that ran up her spine.

‘The flowers are symbols of peace and inner strength. They’re spiritual blooms, and I think Egyptian princesses used to get buried with them in a bouquet, although I might have got that wrong. It might be fookin’ Norse women, but either way they’re all dead significant and spiritual.’ Kelly showed the phoenix that was flying up from between her buttocks. Sally demonstrated the female warrior fighting a dragon that surrounded her belly button, and Layla showed the tiny butterfly on one of her buttocks.

‘I’ve got one just like that,’said Trisha, outraged.

‘The bloke who did it told me it was a unique one-off.’ Coleridge nearly choked on his tea. It had never even occurred to him that one of his officers, one of his lady officers, was tattooed. Particularly Patricia, whom he had thought such a steady girl. Layla then proudly spread her legs and showed off the other butterfly she had, which was fluttering about right at the top of her perfectly lovely, smooth, groomed inner thigh.

‘I keep it there,’ Layla said, ‘to remind my lovers of the importance and the beauty of delicacy and lightness of touch.’ Coleridge groaned and looked away from the screen.

‘Got one of those, Trish?’ Said Hooper.

‘No way, not there. It’s bad enough having a bikini wax without some hell’s angel getting up you with his ink needle.’

‘Be quiet, both of you!’ Barked Coleridge. Now Layla was showing the little Eastern symbol on her shoulderblade.

‘It’s Tibetan,’ she explained.

‘A Buddhist symbol indicating a tranquil inner light.’ Everyone agreed that this was particularly lovely. Except David.

‘Tibetan?’ He asked, a hint of indulgent surprise in his voice.

‘Yes, Tibetan,’ said Layla defensively.

‘Oh…OK, right. Whatever.’ Layla wanted to kill him.

‘What do you mean ‘Whatever’ ? It’s fucking Tibetan!’

‘Steady, Layla,’ grinned Jazz.

‘Hang on to your tranquil inner light.’

‘Look, Layla,’ said David gently.

‘It’s very beautiful and it can and should mean whatever you want it to mean. It doesn’t matter whether it’s Tibetan or Thai, which is what it actually is: it’s your tattoo, and it means whatever you want it to.’ Who would have thought that Layla’s fabulous calm could have been shattered so easily. Her face was red with embarrassment and anger.

‘It’s Tibetan, you bastard,’ she repeated.

‘I know it’s Tibetan.’ David gave an annoying little smile and shrug as if to say ‘You’re wrong, but it’s beneath me to argue.’

‘It is Tibetan! It means tranquil inner fucking light!’ Layla shouted, and stormed off to get herself a soothing cup of herbal tea.

‘I heard about this bloke, a gay bloke,’ Garry said, ‘who had this Chinese proverb put up his arm which meant ‘gentle seeker after truth’. Anyway, one day he pulls this poofter Chinkie at a noodle bar in Soho, and his new boyfriend says, ‘Actually it means you are a stupid, gullible, round-eyed cunt.’ ‘ Garry, Jazz, Sally and Kelly laughed hugely at this. Hamish and Moon smiled. Layla, standing over by the kettle, bit her lip, red- faced with fury, and David closed his eyes for a moment as if gathering strength from his own stillness. Then Hamish showed the Celtic Cross on his forearm, and finally it was David’s turn. He had been waiting for it.

‘I have only one tattoo,’ he explained, as if this in itself was evidence of his exquisite taste and heightened perception.

‘And it is very, very beautiful.’ With that David lifted the leg of his baggy silk trousers and revealed, inscribed upon his left ankle, wound three times around his leg, the first four lines of the ‘to be or not to be’ soliloquy from Hamlet.

‘No butterflies, no Tibetan shopping lists, no fiery dragons. Simply the most perceptive investigation of the essential absurdity of man’s existence ever committed to paper.’

‘Or in this case skin,’ Jazz pointed out, but David ignored him.

‘Existentialism three hundred years before existentialism was invented. Humanism in a brutal and barbaric world. A tiny light that has illuminated every century since.’

‘Yeah, all right, but why have it written on your leg?’ Asked Jazz, speaking for the nation.

‘Because it saved my life,’ said David with clear-eyed, unblinking sincerity.

‘When I was in my dark time and saw no possibility of living in this world I fully intended to end my own life. Believe me, I had entirely resolved upon suicide.’

‘Except you didn’t do it, did you?’ Garry said.

‘Funny, that.’

‘No, I didn’t. Instead through one long night I read Hamlet three times from cover to cover.’

‘Fuck me. I’d rather fucking kill myself,’ Garry said, but David pressed on regardless.

‘That sad prince also contemplated the terrible act of self- murder just as I was doing, but he rose above it, rose above it and achieved a grand and private nobility.’

‘Is that why you didn’t do it yourself, then, David?’ Asked Moon, obviously trying to be supportive of David’s confessional.

‘Because nothing that you were feeling could ever be as bad as Hamlet.’

‘We did it at school,’ said Garry.

‘Believe me, nothing is as bad as Hamlet.’

‘Oh, fookin’ shurrup, Garry,’ said Moon.

‘David knows what I mean, don’t you, David?’

‘Yes, I do. Moon, and the answer is yes and no. Without doubt the sombre princeling’s torment taught me much. But in fact I resolved against suicide because I realized reading that play that I did not wish to leave a world that could contain something as beautiful as Shakespeare’s verse, or indeed a flower, or a sunrise or the smell of fresh-baked bread.’

‘Now you’ve lost me,’ said Moon.

‘What’s fookin’ bread got to do with it?’

‘I believe, Moon, that once a person recognizes beauty they become alive to the possibility of beauty in all things. And so I decided to keep the words which the young Prince of Denmark spoke at his time of deepest sadness about me always. Just to remind me that the world is beautiful and to despair of it is an insult to God.’ Jazz wanted to tell David that he was a pretentious prat, but he didn’t. There was something about David, something so handsome and compelling, something so utterly blatant about his colossal conceit that Jazz could not help but be a little bit moved. None of them were sure about David. The obvious sincerity of David’s self love was quite compelling. A love as true as the love David had for himself could not be simply dismissed, it was almost noble. They stared, unable to decide what to think about David. Except Kelly. The incident hadn’t been noticed in the monitoring box on the night it happened because the editors were concentrating on the wide-angle shot, and Kelly’s back had been to the camera, but the police had all the available video coverage of the scene: for once they got a little lucky. One of the live cameramen had been taking a reverse angle, and the disk had not been wiped. It was a three-shot of Kelly, Moon and Hamish on the orange couch. Kelly was smiling, a big broad wicked smile. Hardly the reaction she would normally have had to David’s tale of suicidal angst, no matter how absurdly pompous it might have sounded.

‘She’d seen that tattoo before,’ said Hooper.

‘Yes, I rather think she had,’ Coleridge agreed.