Dear Nobody (5 page)
Authors: Gillian McCain
WERNERSVILLE, PASUMMER, 1997
INVENTORY WORKSHEET
Alcohol has brought me here. I never knew alcohol could be such a drug. I guess alcohol isn't really that bad of a drug if you can use it in moderation, but I always wanted more. A lot more.
It took me to heaven, but left me in hell. Every time I drank I walked straight into my own messâlike I was watching it all happen in the third personâlike my body and mind were there but my soul was someplace else. When alcohol would mess up a relationshipâor something else in my lifeâI just saw it as more of a reason to drink.
With alcohol, I felt like I was really aliveâlike I was as good as dead if I was sober. Alcohol became the only thing I had left in my life to live for. The taste and the smell were like magic, working together to comfort me and let me know that soon I would wake up and be alive againâthat soon I would be drunk.
I would drink and drink. Throwing up didn't bother meâI felt like it was almost symbolic in how alcohol not only forced all of the bile out of my body, but also forced all of the bile out of my mind. I would be happy and talkative. Loved and laughing. I felt a false spirituality when I drank. I felt like I was on a cloud and I considered everyone my friend.
When an asshole boyfriend did not return my affection, alcohol was there to replace it. When my friends had left me and taken my esteem along with them, alcohol was there to give me the confidence (or stupidity) to do anything. When my mother was not there to listen, alcohol would always let me talk and not disagree or argue back. When my feelings would hurt me, alcohol destroyed them.
Just the beauty of alcohol proves it is female.
Oh, I miss holding a forty bottle, like it was my infantâbut I hadn't conceived itâit had conceived me. And what it made me was either an innocent little girlâgiggly and funâor a raving monster from hell.
Every time I drank, I would feel the little beads of precipitation on the bottle and think of it as the only friend that would ever cry for me. I'd peel off the label like I was unwrapping a present.
I felt secure with alcohol, like I had finally found my home. Alcohol had become my mother, my father, my boyfriend, my best friend and my religion. I drank with a passion. I was always done first and always drunk firstâbut still wanting moreâand if I didn't get it I felt like I was going to die.
It didn't matter how drunk I already was, or how much I had thrown up, or how I couldn't remember what had happened three minutes ago, or where I even was.
With alcohol, I was my own role model. I was never alone, and she never hurt me. I was obsessed and in love with her. I would lie, steal, beg, and cry for her. I did time for her; I was dying for her.
I hated life, unless I was drunk.
I didn't even want to go to heavenâbecause I thought I'd have to leave alcohol behind on earth.
Dear Nobody,
I'm trying to be more spiritual. I haven't done drugs or alcohol for thirty days now. I wonder if I will start again when I get out of here tomorrow. Right now, I don't feel like I need it. I'm not desperate, but it only takes a second. Alcohol and drugs can turn me into a disaster, no matter how much of a puritan I want to be. I don't know why. In the long run it just makes me sadder, but I feel so good while I'm in that high. I just wish it didn't suck all the life out of meâand make me feel so empty.
I just want to be happy and drugs don't let me. They make me worry. They make me scared about my future. And paranoid.
But I can fight it!
I can fight anythingâif God helps me.
SUMMER, 1997
Dear Nobody,
Curon turned out to be complete heaven compared to Detention, but after a while I got sick of it there, too. But I did meet a lot of interesting people. I miss them now. I still talk to two of themâDylan, and this girl Hayley who is just really down to earth and empathetic (as down to earth as I am, anyway). I just kind of feel like I could trust her. She seems to be really awareâmore so than I am (which really isn't saying all that much).
Anyway, now I'm home after like 31 days. Things are more under control and a little better. Nicole is really helping me more than she'll probably ever know. I love her so much. I wish that if I could change one thing, it'd be that Nicole's big sister would have been the one that she deserved.
I remember being eight or nine years old when my half-sister was born. I felt more and more apprehensive the further my mother got into her pregnancy. At first, when she told us she was pregnant (at the dinner table), I felt like it was no big deal. I didn't understand why some of the neighbors and other people were making such a fuss. I didn't really want to be as involved as everyone hoped I wouldâat least in the beginning. I think I just wanted to enjoy being the only child for as long as I could. But eventually we went to classes at a hospital, and that got me more involved. And sometimes I'd pretend my dolls were my new baby brother. I usually played the baby out as a brother, but I always wanted a sister. Maybe pretending it was a brother made it easier for me to resent the babyâafter all, it would be stealing all of MY attention.
Mom's friend Jane took me shopping and bought me a pair of neon-orange sunglasses splattered with black paint. They were gaudy, and had a cord on them so I could wear them around my neck. (I already had a new pair of wine-purple shiny sunglasses with pandas on the corners that my mom bought me, but I didn't tell Jane that.) After shopping, we went to the hospital and I held Nicole and swung back and forth with her. I wanted to hold her for forever. She was my sister (even though I pretended she was MY baby).
My father said that my birth was the loneliest day of his life. My baby sister's birth date was a lonely day for me, but I'd be a lot lonelier without her on every other day of my life. Now, I'm trying to make it up to her.
I'm making up for a lot of thingsâespecially to myself.
Dear Nobody,
I could really like this guy I met at Curon. Dylan's really nice, and cute (for a little guy), but he's not exactly my type. He's younger than me by a year, and I usually go for guys that are two or three years OLDER than I am. But he really is kind of smart, in an intellectual way. He's not exactly um, drug-smart. He does drink, sometimes, but he really shouldn't; I guess he's just not as experienced as I am when it comes to those sorts of things. Maybe I kind of like that?
Dylan's really nice to me, and I know he cares about me. The whole time I was in Curon, he was there with me, keeping me company. I really did like that. He always seems interested in what I have to say. He laughs at my jokes. I like the way he looks at me, and I like the way he looks. And it's not like he's
not
taller than I am (it's just not by much).
Sometimes I don't always remember promises I've made to him, or to call him when I say I will. But I really like his obstinacy. It shows great camaraderie. That's just what I need right now, too. What I've always needed.
Dear Nobody,
This is my third night home from rehab. When I got home my mother agreed that she would not drink anymore and she would not see Joeâwho we both know is her biggest trigger. In rehab, they told me to stay away from people and places. Since I've been home, I haven't spoken to any of those triggersâI can control myselfâbut can my mom?
Tonight Joe called while I was on the other line with Dylan. I said, “I'm on the other line,” and he told me to tell mom that he had called.
That's like asking me to tell my mom to put me through HELL all over again.
It's like telling her to go ahead, and get drunk in front of meâgo ahead and embarrass me and yourself in front of everyone.
It's like telling her to go ahead and wreck the car because you're too drunk to drive again. It's like telling her to go ahead and not come home until the next morning again.
It's like telling her to go ahead and scrape up your knees again, or bruise your legs again from falling because you were too drunk to walk, again.
It's like telling her to go ahead and dress yourself up as a whore and bring some stranger back home with you so you can screw around on the couch, while I walk in on you and you're too drunk to care.
It's like telling her to go right ahead and fill the refrigerator with beer when there's no food in the house.
It's like telling her go ahead and hang out at some shitty bar while her daughter sits at home all alone, crying because she feels so lonely.
It's like telling her to go ahead and choose alcohol over her daughter.
So I didn't give her Joe's message.
Dear Nobody,
So my mother comes into my room tonight and asks, “Why do you have glue in your room?” Excuse me, I was in rehab for drinking, NOT HUFFING. Okay, I got a little disgruntled, but I let it roll off of my back. I went downstairs to talk to my grandma, and she asked who I had been on the phone with, and I told her, “Dylan.” She said in a real smart-ass, bitchy-tone, “Yeah, right,” like he was my imaginary friend or something. It was just too much; I ran up to my room to cry.
I wanted to handle this normally, but my mom was at the bottom of the steps telling me to come down and do my homework. I told her I was upset and asked if she could please come upstairs and talk to me aloneâbecause I could not address my feelings with my grandma there. But my mother had to play one of those power struggle bullshit games. She said that we could talk on the stairs, IF I came to the bottom of the stepsâtwo feet away from her room.
The point was that she would talk to me on the steps, which was less than halfway to my room, and would have ALMOST been in my room, but would not actually come into my room, so we could talk.
Power Struggle!
Mom knew we would be discussing unpleasant subjects so she played one of those games. I guess nothing's changed for her.
P.S.âShe's on the phone with Joe right now.
WOW, IT'S SO GOOD TO BE HOME!