Dear Tabitha (33 page)

A few moments after the toilet flushes, Sara walks into the living room, a sleepy smile on her face. I still can’t get over how happy she always is.

“Hi Tabitha,” she says.

I hope she’s too sleepy to notice if my face is swollen and streaked from my tears.

“Good morning. You can call me Tabby if you want. Most of my very close friends call me that.” I really want her to call me Mommy, but that will take time. We have all of the time in the world now. I still need to learn how to be a mother, because right now, I feel like I’m babysitting Dottie’s daughter, Caitlin.

“What would you like for breakfast?” I ask, and proceed to give her options. A fully stocked refrigerator and pantry also surprised me when we arrived home.

“Waffles and strawberries, please.” She walks over to the dinette and sits. “Can I call Nona to see how she’s doing?” she asks.

What am I going to do? How do I tell her that she can’t call Marta because she’s dead? I think on my feet for the moment. “It’s a three hour time difference, so it’s only five in the morning in Portland right now.” I hope this technical detail diverts her for the time being. I’m not ready to tell her.

“So, is it like yesterday? Or are we in the future?” she asks.

This question makes me chuckle. “Let’s pretend we’re in the future,” I say with a smile on my face.

“That’s fun! I can tell her what happened and what’s going to happen with her,” she muses.

My chest pulls suddenly as I think that Marta is now gone. She no longer has a future.

“Waffles and strawberries coming right up,” I quickly say as I push Marta’s image from my head.

While I make breakfast, I run through all of the ways that I can tell Sara about Marta. I’m upset with myself for wanting to hide this from her. It isn’t fair and I need to make sure that I do it right.

“When can I meet Caitlin?” Sara asks, interrupting my mental volleyball match.

“Today if you want,” I answer her. “I’ll call Dottie after breakfast and set it up.”

This will give me some time to think and prepare for the inevitable conversation.

I sit at the table across from Sara and begin to scoop fresh strawberries onto our plates. “Do you know that strawberries happen to be my favorite fruit?” I ask her.

“It’s mine, too,” she says smiling.

I squirt whipped cream onto her waffle, and she sticks her finger into it, brings it to her mouth, and cleans off every last drop. “Mmmm, how did you know that I love whipped cream on my waffles?” she asks.

“Doesn’t everyone?” I reply as I scoop some onto my fingertip and touch her nose.

She giggles and digs into her waffles, finishing them all. I get my first glimpse of her serious expression when she asks, “Why didn’t you come find me sooner?”

I inhale deeply, not expecting this question. What do I say to her? How can I possibly tell her that her
dead
grandmother kept her from me for all of these years? That her monster of a father stole her from me and tried to kill me? I rub my sweaty hands on my legs. “I would have come sooner, but,” and I pause, “she didn’t know where I was or how to find me.” This is somewhat truthful since it did take a private detective to actually find me.

“Were you hiding?” she asks curiously.

Well, yes, I was, but I can’t tell her that. “I didn’t know that anyone was looking for me.” I need to give her answers that she can understand and accept, but this is so incredibly difficult for me.

“Sara, this is really hard to explain, and you may be a little too young to understand what I’m about to say. I never wanted to leave you, but I had to go. I was young and I didn’t know how to be a mother. I was afraid and wanted to make sure that you were raised in a good home. I thought that I was doing the right thing, and I’m so sorry that I wasn’t there to see you grow into the princess that you have become. I thought about you every single day, hoping and praying that we’d be together again.” I pause and fight tears. I need to stay strong and not show her how upset I am over what has happened. “Maybe someday you’ll be able to understand all of the reasons why I had to leave. But you need to know that I always loved you and still do.” I hope this explanation is enough, because I can’t be any more explicit with her about what really happened. I hate Tony more than anything, but it’s not fair right now for me to paint a picture of a horrid monster to his daughter. She never saw him the way that I did.

“Okay,” she says quietly and looks down at her plate. I can tell that she doesn’t understand. “Are you going to leave me again?” she asks as she sticks her fork into her last strawberry.

My heart clenches, and I feel sick to my stomach. I want to scream and yell ‘NO’. Of course, I won’t leave her ever again. I won’t ever leave her. But, I’m afraid to speak these words, knowing full well that they could be a lie. Trina told me that she would never leave me, and then she died. How do I assure this precious little girl that she’ll never be alone?

“Honey, I never want to leave you ever again,” I state simply and grab her hand. Her little fingers squeeze mine back and she smiles.

“Good, I’m glad,” she says as she swallows the last of her food.

“So, how about a play date with Caitlin?” I ask her.

“Yay!” she answers as she skips away from the table. “Can I bring Ariel?”

“Of course,” I answer as I pick up the phone to make arrangements with Dottie. I’ve been friends with Dottie since I came back to Philly years ago. She’s been my other rock next to Kirsten and I’m thankful for her presence in my life. Her daughter is such a great little girl, and I know that she and Caitlin are going to be life long friends.

I decide while Sara is on her play date, I need to talk to Kirsten about something very important. Like NOW.

~

I spend an hour with Sara at Dottie’s house. While I’m perfectly comfortable with Sara spending time with Dottie and Caitlin, I need to see for myself that she’s going to be okay without me there. After I’m fully satisfied, I leave to meet Kirsten at her apartment.

“What’s so urgent that it couldn’t wait until later?” she asks, curious about why I demanded to see her right away.

“Kirsten, Marta’s dead,” I whisper and sit down on her couch.

“Oh no,” she says, grabbing my hand. “Does Sara know yet?”

“No, and I’m afraid to tell her.” I need to make sure that what happened to me when I was seven never happens to Sara. “I need you to agree to something,” I say to her.

“What? Anything.”

“I want you to be Sara’s guardian should anything happen to me,” I blurt out and feel faint.

She’s silent for a moment and covers her face with her hands. I can tell that she’s overcome with emotion over my request. Finally she says, “You’re kidding me, right?” She blinks back tears and reaches for my hands.

“I’m dead serious. It would absolutely kill me if Sara wound up in the system like I did. She has no other family, and well, you’re
my
family. Please, say yes. I need you to say yes,” I beg her as my eyes fill with tears.

“Oh, honey. Of course I’ll do it. Anything for you and that precious girl,” she says as she pulls me into an embrace. “I promise I’ll do it.”

Relief floods through me when I realize that Sara will have a family if I’m gone. I love Kirsten like a sister, and she’ll be a wonderful influence on her life.

“Of course, I don’t plan to go anywhere anytime soon, but I need to know that I’ve got this covered. Trina didn’t and look what happened to me.”

Kirsten pulls me tighter against her. “You’re perfect, Tabby. I know your life was very difficult, but you wouldn’t be the same person you are today if you didn’t experience what you did while growing up. You have an appreciation for things that most people just take for granted. You’re something special, you know that? I love you, girl,” she says into my ear.

“Thanks,” I say softly while pulling away. “I’ll contact someone this week to draw up the official paperwork.”

“My uncle is a lawyer. He can handle it for us. Easy peasy,” she says, smiling.

“Now I need to figure out how I’m going to tell Sara that Marta is dead. I’m dreading this,” I say as I shake my head.

“The right words will come to you, honey. It’s not going to be easy, but you need to do this. Please, don’t put it off. She deserves to know.”

Kirsten is absolutely right.

A pit forms in my stomach. I need to get home and tell her that her Nona is dead.

Present

Age 24

I
PULL
into the beach town that Tabby and I spent time in many years ago. It seems so long ago but I remember it like it was just yesterday. My heart swells with hope that we can find that love again.

I’m in Spring Lake, New Jersey. The Finnegan’s home town.

Tabby emailed Carly and told her all about me. She arranged for us to meet, and now I’m scared to death. What do I say? How do I act? Are they going to judge me? What do they even know about me? I wish that Tabby could be here with me, but she’s dealing with so many things with Sara right now that I understand completely why she can’t. It’s probably best that I do this on my own, anyway.

I step out of my car, walking toward the sandwich shop where Carly suggested we meet. My hands begin to tingle and get clammy, sweaty. Shit, why am I doing this again?

Tabby has given me a brief history and background on Kyle and Carly. They are both teachers. Carly teaches at the local high school while Kyle is a professor at a private university. They were unable to conceive a child of their own, and after many infertility treatments, they decided on adoption. Tabby picked them because she immediately felt a connection to them. She was drawn to their warmth and kindness. She felt that they would be able to give Emily the best life possible. It was an easy decision, according to Tabby, and now I’m about to find out why.

I walk in and look around. I don’t see anyone that resembles the family from the pictures. I find a larger table by the front window, shrug off my jacket, and sit down. I look up and see a man walk in alone. It’s him. Kyle Finnegan.

There’s something so familiar about him. I can’t put my finger on it. Sure, I’ve seen his picture at Tabby’s apartment, but seeing him in person makes me think that I know him from somewhere.

He walks toward me and I stand to greet him.

“Alex?” he asks as he extends his hand.

“Yes. You must be Kyle.”

“Carly and Emily will be right here.” He glances toward the window and smiles. “Emily wanted to look at puppies at the pet store down the street.” His eyes light up as he says Emily’s name.

I’m a wreck, and I suddenly don’t know why I’m even here. What good is this going to do any of us? Tabby hasn’t even seen them since Emily was born. What gives me the right to do this now?

“So, how long did it take you to get here?” he asks, making small talk.

“A little more than an hour.”

He’s studying my face as if he’s trying to find similarities between Emily and me. He’s wondering if I’m her father.

“Not bad.” He nods and looks toward the door.

“I used to come to this area a lot when I was younger,” I say, trying to make conversation. “My sister and I spent a lot of time in Belmar.”

“Emily loves going to Belmar. Her favorite playground is right on the beach near Third Avenue. It’s shaped like a pirate ship.” His expression suddenly turns serious, and he leans in and says, “Listen, you need to know that Emily is everything to us. Tabitha explained why you are here, and I need to know if your intentions are good.” He looks stern but worried at the same time.

I quickly respond, “I don’t know exactly why I’m here anymore, Kyle. I guess I just need some closure.” Shit, I should leave before Emily sees me. I don’t want to confuse her in any way. This man in front of me is her father. “Maybe I should go,” I say as I start to stand up.

“No, stay. Please,” he urges as he looks toward the door again.

“I’m not here to cause any trouble, okay? Why don’t we just pretend that I’m an old friend so we don’t confuse Emily?” I suggest as the door opens.

The little girl from the pictures is beaming with a smile on her face. She lets go of her mother’s hand, runs, and leaps into Kyle’s arms. “Daddy! I saw a puppy!” she screeches and points toward the door. “He licked my face all over!” I watch her animated expressions as her curly hair bounces on her shoulders. Her giggles are infectious and my heart warms immediately. This is one happy child.