Dearest Series Boxed Set (21 page)

A lump rises in my throat. “If that’s true… tell me what’s going on.”

He groans. “Fuck. I can’t, but I promise I’m not cheating on you.”

“Goodbye, Gavin.” I try to walk past him, but he steps in front of me.

“Clementine,” he says, putting both hands on my shoulders. “What… what would it take for you to wait?”

My eyes are glued to our feet. I’m wearing a beat-up pair of blue Converse, and he’s wearing a black pair of hiking boots. At times like this, I always notice something mundane. When I broke up with Daren, his right shoelace was untied.

“I don’t know that I—”

“Please. What can I do to prove myself to you? That I’m not some giant asshole?”

Any other time, that would make me laugh. But not today. His hands run down my arms, and for a second I remember our nights together, our limbs tangled in the dark, and despite everything that’s happened this week, I want to hold on to him. Somewhere in my chest, he’s left an indelible mark, a traitorous piece of me I can’t get back.

“Tell me something that’s true.” My voice comes out barely a whisper. I’m not even sure I’ve spoken at all.

Gavin leans down to get me to look at him and then pulls me tighter. I can smell his skin and clothes, and I can barely stand being so close to him. “I remember you freshman year, the way you came to that first class a few minutes late and sat by the window and stared outside like you had the weight of the world on your small shoulders.” His hand runs up the back of my neck, and he grips me closer. “You were the most beautiful girl I’d ever seen. You have
always
mesmerized me.” His voice is raspy but reverberates with a kind of conviction that makes me shiver.

My heart is beating erratically, and if I weren’t so mad at him, I’m almost certain I’d be in love. I frown, shaking my head, before I lean up on my toes and kiss him softly. It’s quick, but I do it before I can stop myself. As I back away, one solitary tear escapes.

“Gavin, I can’t be with you until this gets resolved, until I know everything. Come back to me when you’re ready.”

That’s the best I can do.

* * *

M
y roommates don’t say
anything as we get in the car and start the drive home. The afternoon replays in my mind over and over again.

When we get to a light, Jenna, who’s driving, turns to look at me. She’s so preoccupied staring at the sullen girl in the passenger seat that she doesn’t notice the light has changed until the driver behind us honks. She shoots him the finger.

Reaching for the radio, I say, “I never realized you had such anger issues, Jenna. That’s refreshing.”

“There you are. I was wondering who had stolen my roommate and replaced her with Magnet Girl.”

“Magnet Girl?”

“Yeah, you attract the hottest guys on the planet and then do your best to blow them off or otherwise ignore them. It’s a special power. I’ve never seen it before. You need a cape and maybe some tights.” She shakes her head. “Daren Sloan.” Then she whistles.

The desire to cry has subsided, and I’m numb. “You know my history with Daren, so it’s not like I’m going to leap for joy to see him. But he looked good. He always looks good.” I bite my lip, irritated to be talking about my ex when thoughts about Gavin and Angelique plague me.

“He is one sexy man, Clem,” Dani says as she pops her head between our headrests. She looks like she wants to say something else but doesn’t.

Jenna cuts off another driver and then glances at me. “Daren is hot, but Gavin is more rugged-looking, and I think that’s sexier.” When she checks her rearview mirror, she frowns. “You haven’t seen Daren since high school, right? Even though he and Jax are BFFs?” I nod, certain Jenna is paying close attention because this is her thing, being a matchmaker and getting into everyone’s business without invitation. “How did Daren act so casual? He didn’t seem fazed that he screwed around behind your back and the screwee, Veronica, was right there today, twenty feet away.”

“That’s rich-guy syndrome. He only feels bad for about fifteen seconds before his life resumes as though his influence in my world didn’t tilt everything on the wrong axis.”

Jenna’s eyebrows raise briefly in acceptance before her head tilts toward me.

“Okay, so please explain why Gavin looked like that.”

“Like what?”

“Like he was ready to walk through a burning building for you.”

Blinking back the heat in my eyes, I roll down the window, hoping the cold air will help me calm down.

“We’re taking a break.”

“Excuse me?”

“We’re taking a break.”

My head jerks so hard, for a second I think we’ve been hit by a car. It isn’t until Jenna pulls up the handbrake that I realize she’s driven over to the side of the road deliberately.

“Back the fuck up and tell me what happened,” she says, twisting in her seat to face me. Dani, who had tumbled backwards when Jenna pulled her guerrilla driving maneuver, tugs herself back up to re-join the conversation.

I shake my head, annoyed that I opened myself up to this. With a sigh, I recount the last week, starting with meeting Angelique at breakfast last Saturday and ending with the argument I had with Gavin. When I’m done, Jenna smacks the steering wheel with her fist.

“You can’t take a break,” Jenna says as though she hasn’t heard what I’ve been saying.

“She’s right.” Dani nods. “You’ll end up with a Ross and Rachel situation.”

My eyebrows quirk up.

“Like on
Friends
.” Dani says it like a question. “Rachel wanted a break, and Ross ended up sleeping with another girl because he didn’t technically have a girlfriend, but Rachel felt like he cheated on her. Breaks are always bad.”

Jenna looks back and forth between Dani and me. “I think I love you, Dani. I couldn’t have said it any better.”

It takes me a second to speak because the last thing I want to think of is Gavin sleeping with someone else.

“Look, if Gavin hooks up with another girl right now, there’s nothing I can do about it. I just can’t be obsessing over what he’s keeping from me. That shit makes me mental because of what happened between Daren and Veronica.” I start peeling the paint on my t-shirt. “This is going to sound crazy, but I don’t think he’d cheat on me.”

Fuck. I sound crazy, even to myself.

Jenna scoffs. “But isn’t that why you’re on this ridiculous break? Because you think he’s sneaking around with another girl?”

“Yes, I mean no. Yes, I’m afraid that Angelique is making the moves on him, but this is about him not being honest with me. This is about principle.”

“Your principled ass is going to lose your boyfriend and send him running into the arms of that bitch,” Jenna says, shaking her head again. “Unless, of course, you’re sabotaging yourself because you really want Daren back.”

I laugh mirthlessly. “Daren and I are
so
over.”

“That’s what Rachel said about Ross,” Dani says, “and then they had a baby.”

“Dani, shut up. My life is not a sitcom.”

Dani looks nonplussed, and Jenna is grinning proudly at her little protégée.

“Can we go home now?” I ask, wanting to crawl into a hole, preferably a dark one with an endless supply of ice cream.

“On one condition.” Jenna grips the steering wheel and waits for me to answer.

I blow a strand of hair out of my face. “I’m not going to send Gavin any sexts, so you can take that off the table right now.”

She snorts. “God, you know me well. Okay, sexting aside, you have to come to his show with me next weekend because there are going to be, like, fifty girls dying to get in that boy’s pants, and you need to be there to claim your territory, break or no break.”

Ugh. She’s right. Gavin is only human, and I’ve seen the groupies who come to their shows, bouncing their silicon boobs all over the place. It’s why Jenna has never missed one since she started dating Ryan. It’s why she can Out-Skank anyone via text. It’s why the things she shouts when they’re
together
make me blush. She aims to keep her guy happy. I gotta say it’s smart.

“Fine. I’ll go. But don’t ask me to flash him on stage or wear edible underwear or dance on the bar.”

“Omigod. Edible underwear! I might have a pair of those somewhere.”

D
iving
into work for the rest of the weekend is the best distraction, but as soon as I’m back in my room Sunday evening, I’m weepy and morose. I’ve thrown out Gavin’s dying roses, but I swear the scent clings to everything—my comforter, my clothes, my robe. I can’t escape him. I miss him so much it’s hard to breathe, but I won’t let myself give in. When I can’t take it any longer, I cry into my pillow until I fall asleep.

Monday isn’t much better. In between classes, I volunteer in the tutoring center, which I’m hoping will help me focus on someone else for a while, but it’s empty, so I end up with extra time on my hands to wallow.

Kade stops by briefly to check his schedule, and part of me waits for him to revert to his old asshole ways, but he’s surprisingly soft-spoken.

“I have some new flyers to put up. If you have the time.” His expression breaks my heart, and I want to give him a hug, but that would be weird.

“I’ll make the time. Is it okay if I do it over the next couple of days?”

“Yeah. That would be great.” He hands me a stack of neon copies with a sad smile.

The last article Gavin wrote said police found Olivia’s cell phone on the T, but authorities haven’t been able to get any useful information from it yet.

Kade’s eyebrows pinch.

“What?” I ask.

“Olivia’s sister Norah wonders if she was stopping off to see some guy she just met.”

I see the jealousy in his face.

“Wouldn’t Olivia’s phone records have that evidence?”

“That’s what’s so weird. Norah said her sister was talking to some guy on the phone, but her phone records don’t show any unusual numbers. Livvy had just gotten home, and they hadn’t had time to catch up yet when this happened, so she doesn’t have anything concrete.”

I think about the dozens of calls I’ve gotten lately from an unknown number, and my skin prickles. I never answer, and the caller never leaves a message.

“Kade, what if she had a second phone? Maybe a disposable one? I had a friend once who bought a cheap cell while she was in Italy because she was paranoid someone would steal her iPhone.”

“I guess that’s possible.” His eyebrows furrow.

“Hey, you don’t know for sure that she was seeing anyone. Don’t make yourself crazy thinking about something that might not have happened.”

Jeez. That’s good advice, Clementine.

He gives me a tight smile and rubs his forehead. “I just don’t understand why we haven’t learned anything yet.”

“No news might be good news. They could still find her.” I don’t know what possesses me to say this because the odds are against any kind of positive outcome, but something deep inside me wants to believe it’s possible.

“Thanks, Clem. I needed to hear that.” On his way out, he leans down to hug me, and I wonder if being friends with Kade is a sign of a zombie apocalypse.

When I get home a few hours later, I throw on some comfy sweats and, fighting the urge to mope in my room, wander out into the living room and collapse on the couch.

“It’s the birth control pills,” Jenna says as she throws me a piece of chocolate. “The reason you look like you want to cry. It’s the hormones. You’ll get used to it. Eat something decadent to take the edge off.”

Or it could be that I essentially broke up with my boyfriend. I peel off the aluminum wrapper and toss it at her.

“I’m afraid to ask, but how do you know I started taking birth control?” This girl should work for the CIA or NSA or some agency that specializes in classified secrets.

“Last week you said you had an appointment at the clinic, and you weren’t sick, and the only other reason girls go there is for birth control. It’s elementary, Watson.”

“Who’s on birth control?” Harper asks as she cuts through the living room.

“Goldilocks here,” Jenna says, pointing to me.

“Oh, are you and Gavin doing the dirty?” Harper stops mid-step. She’s been spending a lot of time at her boyfriend’s lately, so I haven’t had a chance to fill her in on what happened this weekend.

“Jenna, you’re a terrible influence on this girl,” I say, shocked that Harper would mutter such a thing. “No, I’m not
doing the dirty
with Gavin. I mean, that was my intention, but we’re on a break.”

The confusion on Harper’s face is immediate. “A break from what?”

“Each other,” Jenna says, raising her eyebrows in judgment.

“Why? I thought you two were crazy about each other.”

I blow out a breath. “I’m going to work out. I can’t handle having this discussion again.” Motioning toward Harper, I tell her that Jenna can give her the gory details.

I grab my workout bag and head out. On my way to west campus, Jax calls, wanting to meet up. When I tell him I’m going climbing, he says he’ll join me in twenty minutes.

I’ve never gone climbing with Jax, and he’s rarely shown an interest in hanging out with me on my campus. He mumbles something about wanting to talk. Maybe this is about my run-in with Daren. Curiosity tugs at me like a loose thread hanging off a sweater, so I agree to let him join me.

Because my brother has been known to get sidetracked by a pretty face and a nice rack, I don’t bother waiting for him to start my workout. I get one of the staff members to spot me on my ascent. On my way down, I hear a familiar voice and look down to see that Jax has taken over my rope. As he lowers me, a ball of nerves develops in my stomach.

“Jackson, be careful. I don’t want to die today.” I glance toward the door and see Gavin, Angelique and Mark walk in. My heart beats erratically. God, I’ve missed him. Gavin looks relaxed as he talks to his friends.
Shit, maybe I have been paranoid over nothing.

But then, Angry Red reaches over and grabs his arm and laughs, and I remember why I wanted to smash her nose.

Gavin glances up and sees me, a smile crossing his face before his expression abruptly falters. I’m trying to figure out why when I suddenly drop.

I scream before I land cradled in a pair of muscular arms.

“Emmie, you’re so light.” Daren Sloan is holding me, smiling like this is normal behavior.
What the fuck?
I gasp for a minute, realizing that I only fell a few feet, but it was a few feet too far.

“You two are assholes! Let me down.”

I kick my way out of his grasp while he and Jax crack up. As soon as I get my balance, I turn and push him as hard as I can, which doesn’t budge him at all. It only makes him laugh harder. Jesus, this is just like when we were kids. Those two would play pranks on me all day long.

A staff member carrying a clipboard walks over. Good, they’re going to get in trouble for endangering my life.

“Excuse me. I hate to bother you, but could I get your autograph?” the guy asks Daren, who grins broadly.

“Sure thing.”

Motherfucker
. I unbuckle my harness and storm off to change.

* * *

A
fter a long shower
, I eventually emerge from the locker room, surprised to find Gavin waiting for me.

“Are you okay?” he asks, walking up and wrapping one hand gently around the back of my neck and one on my hip. He does it before I think he shouldn’t, that it isn’t smart to be close to him, but the minute he touches me, I know he gets it. As someone who climbs, he understands you never joke about dropping someone. It’s sacrilege, and this quiet moment says he’d never do that to me.

I nod, looking up at him. His lashes are so dark that his green eyes look almost kohl-rimmed. His touch makes my insides flip flop.

Seeing Jax and Daren walk over makes me start to pull away from Gavin, but he tightens his grip on my waist.

“You ready to go?” my brother asks. He sees Gavin and gives him the guy nod greeting. “Hey, man.”

Gavin says hi, but he looks pissed. He turns back to me. “Do you want me to take you home?”

“No, Jax wanted to talk about something. I’ll be okay.”

He pulls me into a tight hug, and right now I could close my eyes and let the world go by. Although I know people are watching us, I don’t want to let go. Remembering what Jenna said about this weekend and all the girls at the show, I realize I can’t totally cut him off while I wait this out or there might not be a road back to where we were. As much as I want to be angry about last week, when we’re together like this, all I can think is that he’s been telling me the truth.

He whispers, “I’ll call you later,” before he kisses me on the forehead, and I can’t help but smile.

On our way to Jax’s car, my brother nudges me. “So is that your boyfriend?”

“I don’t know. It’s complicated.”

“Well, if you ask me—”

“I didn’t,” I say, cutting him off. “What did you want to talk about?”

Jax waits until we’re in the car to drop the bomb. “Dad’s back from Europe. I'm not sure for how long, but he wants you to come home for a visit.”

I sit silent, waiting for the punch-line. When it doesn’t come, I turn in my seat, my eyes shifting between my brother behind the wheel to Daren in the back seat. “Is that why you brought your buddy? For protection? Jax, I dare say you’ve grown a vagina.”

Daren starts howling and pounds his fist into Jax’s seat. “A vagina! Holy shit, Emmie, I’ve missed you.”

I rub my hand with my face, too tired to be dealing with these two jackasses. “I have homework I need to do, so if that’s all you want to talk about, you should take me home.”

“Clem, you should hear him out. Dad didn’t know Mom cut you off. He feels like shit.” Jax starts the ignition and shifts into first.

“Well, it’s only taken two years.” A well of emotion rises in me. No, I won’t get upset up over this. I’ve worked hard to not care that my parents could give a shit about me. One phone call from Daddy shouldn’t get me worked up.

“Think about it, okay? That’s all I’m asking.” Jax pulls up to my building, and if it weren’t for his expression, I would never agree, but my brother rarely asks me for anything.

“Fine, I’ll think about it.”

When I get out of the car, Daren follows. I think he’s going to jump up front, but instead he mumbles something to Jax and shuts the door. I’m more than surprised when my brother drives away, leaving Daren in front of my apartment.

I blink, making sure this isn’t a figment of my imagination.

“What are you doing?”

“We need to talk,” Daren says, taking my elbow.

What now? I shrug off his hold and put my hands on my hips. “Fine. Talk.”

A couple of girls walk by staring at him.

“Not here. Let’s go up to your place.”

I give him a raised eyebrow.

“I’m not going to try anything, Clementine. I have some things I need to clear up with you, and it’s overdue. I’d like to not have to grovel on the street, if you don’t mind.”

Then he makes that face, the one he used to do whenever he broke something of mine, which was often.

Damn it. He could always get his way.

“You and Jackson are exasperating me tonight. I’m going to let you come up, but I’m warning you now. I’m in no mood, so don’t piss me off.”

He grins, running his hands through his hair. “Yes, little princess.”

Nothing is worse than being patronized by Daren Sloan. I scowl, which makes him laugh. Trudging up the stairs, I let him follow me up. No one is home, which is good because I’m not prepared to explain why I have the star BC quarterback tailing me.

I turn on a few lights and motion for him to sit while I take a seat opposite him, as far away as possible on the other end of the couch.

“You miss me that much, huh?” he asks.

“I’m not trying to make any kind of commentary here, Daren. You wanted to talk, so talk.” I grab a pillow and tuck it into my lap in case I need to scream into something or want to punch the football player next to me.

His confident demeanor slips a little, and he takes a deep breath. “I wanted to apologize to you for what happened senior year, for being such a dick to you. Your brother told me what happened with your mom, and that’s all kinds of fucked up. I’m sorry. I know you had a lot riding on your state meet, and then we imploded. I didn’t know you lost your track scholarship.”

I shake my head quickly. “I lost it at the end of my freshman year. Too much shit happened, and I couldn’t clear my head. It wasn’t you. Not really.” Daren was just the beginning of that runaway train.

I’m busy staring at the pillow. It’s forest green, which is so much better than kelly green or lime green. I hate lime green. I actually prefer viridian, though, which is green with the slightest tint of blue.

“Emmie?”

Glancing up, I realize he expects me to say more.

I shrug. “Thank you.” I say it like a question. “I appreciate it.” I realize I’m gripping the pillow so tightly that my knuckles are turning white, so I force myself to relax my hands. “Is that it?”

I’m caught off guard by the hurt expression that spreads on his face.

He opens his mouth but closes it again, an awkward silence enveloping the room. He laughs weakly. “I’m trying to say I’m sorry. You have no idea how many times I’ve wished I had done things differently.”

My chest constricts, and I squirm uncomfortably in my seat.