Authors: C.A. Harms
Deceitful Choices (5 page)
Zack
Why I continued to torture myself I had no clue.
I guess it was because things with Haven were simple. It wasn’t drama free, because with Haven there always came drama, but there few feelings were involved. The good thing was no matter how many times I fucked up and acted like an asshole, she came running. It was wrong; I knew it. I shouldn’t have kept things going on for as long as I had, but she was convenient. And she always acted as if we were on the same page, up until the moment I tried to leave and then we were back to those fucking fits of hers.
Over the last few months, though, things had shifted.
I allowed myself to open up a bit and she seemed to relax.
I wasn’t making any promises, but it had slowly begun to develop into a little more than just sex. We had rolled into a comfortable friendship with the benefits of a relationship. It just had not been labeled and I was fine with that. Honestly I preferred it.
“What day are you flying in?” Haven asked as I lay back on my bed with my phone pressed to my ear.
“The eighteenth,” I replied. “My flight should arrive around four in the afternoon. I’ll text you the flight info.”
“I can’t wait to see you,” she said happily, and I allowed myself to smile at her excitement. There was a little part of me that looked forward to seeing her too. It had been over a month since she last visited and we had talked every chance we got since then.
AOT, or Advanced Operator Training, had kicked my fucking ass. I hadn’t had leave since Alabama, and I needed this break. So when Haven practically begged me to come to Illinois, I figured why the hell not.
“Listen babe, I gotta get some shut eye,” I said, followed by a long yawn. “We got Monster Mash tomorrow, and if I don’t get some sleep I’m gonna be dragging my team down. The last thing I want is to be on the losing team.”
Haven spent enough time listening to me go on and on about our training and the grueling exercises that keep us on top of our game. She didn’t have to ask what Monster Mash meant. She understood I would be swimming, running, and hiking for miles tomorrow.
“Okay,” she whispered. “Good night, Zack. Dream of me.”
I avoided touchy shit like that. I felt bad that I couldn’t give her the same in return. Maybe someday I’d be ready to take things to another level, but with her it was complicated and I refused to force it.
“Night, Haven,” I said before ending the call.
***
I woke to the sound of my fellow SEALs shuffling around gearing up.
I had the most fucked up dream, one I hadn’t had in what felt like forever. I could see her face so clear, almost smell that sweet perfume she wore. It was still so hard to believe how connected I felt with Lindsay. Even though she should have been forbidden, she made an impression on me that still, after all this time, I couldn’t shake.
She would be legal now, and that thought rolled around in my mind often. But then I would consider all the things Haven told me about her, and I realized I was much better off. I think the possibility of seeing her when I went to visit Haven was what triggered the dream. I didn’t know yet how I would handle that.
I could feel myself dragging after the first mile but I pushed on.
“Hooyah,” a few SEALs chanted and the others followed as we pushed on. It was the way of a SEAL. No backing down, no giving up. We pushed ourselves until the point of exhaustion because it was who we were. Build to conquer, build to defeat.
No matter how much it burned, how much it ached, we kept going.
It was training like this that made me who I was.
I remember being on base with my father and he would set up different training missions where my brother and I would compete against one another to complete. Most kids would hate the idea of being woken up before 6:00 a.m. every day to push themselves to the max. But not Quinton and me—we lived for it. Every moment was only preparing us for the life we both knew we would lead. It was never a question for either of us; we knew we would follow in our father’s footsteps.
He was our hero and he died an honorable death, serving his country.
Quinton and I would honor him by being the men he showed us how to be.
My calves burned but it was a burn I welcomed. Sometimes the pain was like a drug—I thrived for it.
On some days after I had spent hours being hammered right and left, I would only force myself to go even further on my own—because winding down was sometimes impossible.
Lindsay
“Oh my god, look at those cheeks.” Taylor sat on the couch in Grams’ living room holding Camden in her lap. “He is the most adorable baby. How do you get anything done? I would never be able to put him down; he’s just too cute for his own good.”
I knew she could see him too. Zack.
Each day that passed, Camden began to look more and more like his father.
“It is hard,” I confessed as I sat at her side. “But this little guy has helped me through some pretty heavy times.”
I could tell from the corner of my eye her gaze left Camden and shifted toward me, but I chose to keep watching my son. Maybe I shouldn’t have said anything; the last thing I wanted to do was rehash my past mistakes.
“Have you ever tried to reach him?” she asked.
I had tried to figure out how to somehow get a picture of Camden to Zack. I figured even though he didn’t want to be a part of his life, he’d at least want to know what he looked like, but I came up empty. “Yep.”
A moment of silence settled over us and I knew she was hoping for more than just that, so taking in a deep breath I continued on.
“Do you know how hard it is to call a naval base and ask for a SEAL by the name of Zack? Because I was sure that man on the phone thought I was insane when I told him I wasn’t sure of his last name.” I turned to face her and forced a smile. “I tried explaining what he looked like and half expected for the man to turn me in for stalking.”
Because things happened so quickly and our encounter was brief, Zack had never really disclosed enough information to allow me to find him. You’d think knowing a person’s last name would be a bit of information you would ask for before climbing into bed with them, but apparently not me.
“So you only had contact with him those couple of times through Haven?” By now Camden was beginning to fall asleep on Taylor’s lap as she waited for me to respond.
“Yeah,” I said in more of a whisper. “He sent a money order and I walked away. That was the last time, before I left to come here.”
“I don’t even know if she is still talking to his friend. Rigdon, was it?” she asked.
I nodded.
“I’ve seen her around campus a few times. But mainly I avoid her.” Taylor and Haven had always been on the opposites sides of the court. They despised one another. “Maybe one day Zack will…”
I held up my hand to stop her. I wouldn’t allow myself any false hope. And I wouldn’t allow Camden to be strung along either. Zack had made his intentions known when he thought he could just pay for Camden and me to disappear.
There would never be a touching reunion between father and son.
“Let’s not talk about it, okay?” I just wanted to go back to normal and forget that the one lie I told robbed my son of his father. It was a guilt I fought daily.
Grams entered the living room carrying a tray of sandwiches. “I thought you girls could use some lunch.” She winked, because she understood she was helping me. She had spent more than one night listening to me go on and on about my screw-ups. She also knew that I blamed myself heavily for the way things turned out, so her interruption now was just her way of giving me a needed out.
I had to stop holding the fact that Zack walked away from his son over my own head. He didn’t have to cut ties with him because of my mistakes. He owed Camden more than that; it just hurt like something fierce that he didn’t even want to know him.
I would never understand how someone could have a child out there in the world somewhere and never want to be a part of their lives. How a man so loyal and honorable to his country and fellow SEALs could brush his hands clean of his own child and not give it a second thought.
We spent the remaining part of the weekend laughing and remembering some of the crazy things we pulled in high school. She talked about those we used to hang out with and updated me on where they were now. Most had gone off to different colleges and what surprised me most was hearing that Kiara, a girl we both adored, had moved to Colorado and married a thirty three year old man. The kicker was he used to be a history teacher at our high school. Nothing would convince me something hadn’t gone on between those two prior to her graduating, but I refused to judge. She had always been a sweet girl and if she was happy then I was happy for her.
On Sunday when it was time for Taylor to leave, I began to feel a sense of sadness. I had enjoyed our time together and having my best friend back. Somehow her leaving made me feel as if things would fall back into the pattern I’d lived for months.
“So I think the next trip should be you visiting me,” she said as she tossed her bag into the back seat. “My parents would love to see you, and Mom—she made me promise to tell you she’s dying to see Camden. Every picture that Grams has sent I’ve forwarded on to her, and you would think she was a doting grandma herself as much as she goes on and on about him.”
Lillian Shumaker had always treated me as if I was a second daughter to her, and Taylor’s father, Mark, was the father I had always dreamed for. They were both amazing.
“We can hang out at the house, let Mom hover over Camden.” I knew she understood my reservations about returning now, for any amount of time. “We don’t even have to go out and take a chance of seeing your parents.”
“Let me think about it, okay?” A part of me loved the idea of spending time with Taylor and her parents, and then another part me was scared of digging up the past.
I had attempted to contact my mother after I had Camden, only to have her tell me that she refused to raise any more children, as if I had asked her to support my son. I had only offered to allow them to see their grandson; I hadn’t asked for any form of help, financially or otherwise.
The miserable person she had always been was still very much a part of who she was. So after that attempt I never tried again. I figured the poison they both bled was something I didn’t need in my life.
“As long as you promise to really give it some thought.”
I looked up at Taylor, bringing myself back to our conversation and leaving those memories of my parents behind. “I promise,” I said as I reached out and hugged her close.
“No more avoiding me,” she said before pulling back, holding me by the shoulders. “I need my best friend, and I sort of fell in love with that little guy of yours, so you can’t cut me out again.”
I smiled and nodded my head. “No more distance,” I assured her. “We’ll talk and we’ll plan a visit.”
She seemed happy with that as she stepped back and opened the front door of her Camry. “I’m gonna hold you to that.”
“Okay,” I replied. I knew she would too.
I stood in the driveway waving as she backed out and drove down the road. I already began to miss her and it had only been seconds.
I knew that I would visit Roanoke again. I just had to work myself up to it. And I wasn’t sure how long that would take.
Zack
I’d been in Illinois for less than twenty-four hours, and already I wanted to go back to California. But for Haven I’d try. It wasn’t love, I knew that, but it was like. You would think by now she and I would be more than we were, and if she had it her way, we would have been.
I was trying though.
I told myself that this trip I would let my guard down a bit more. I wasn’t sure what would come of it, but I’d give it a shot.
Her brother picked me up from the airport, and the guy was almost the male version of his sister. It was a little eerie how much they looked alike. But he was an all right guy, a bit immature for a twenty-three year old, but we were raised differently; that much was obvious. I started my training at an early age, not only for the Navy but also in respectability.
I had him take me to the nearest car rental company, because the last thing I wanted was to be forced to rely on others. With Haven in class daily, I would most likely be exploring. I looked out the window wondering what the hell I would explore in this area, but hell—why not, right?
After I was given the keys to a Dodge Charger, I used the GPS to scan for the nearest place to eat. The options were nothing compared to what I was used to. Pizza it was.
I felt like a circus exhibit walking down the streets of this small town. People watched me closely, as if I was about to rob their bank or worse. I didn’t take much time to offer pleasantries, because I worried they would attack or something. I walked straight ahead until I saw the red sign hanging in the window with the name of the pizzeria.
The moment I entered, I found the booth hidden in the back corner and practically dove into it. These next three days were sure to be three of the longest of my life. I found myself wishing I was back in Coronado doing a two-mile swim.
My phone vibrated in my back pocket, and I reached around, pulling it out to find a text from Haven.
Where are you? I’m so excited to see you I cut class this afternoon.
Suddenly spending a few hours wrapped in the sheets sounded better than pizza.
Zack: At some pizza joint in your Podunk town. I’m sure you know which one since you only have a few places to eat here.
Her response came quickly.
Haven: Be there in five.
Well, all right then.
I sat my phone down on the table and picked up the menu. I knew from the many times out with Haven that she was picky as fuck. She didn’t eat much of anything, and ordering for her was pretty much impossible. On most occasions I fought the irritation in me as she would tell the waiter all the things to remove from an entree.
So I played it safe; I’d just go with half and half.
“What can I get ya?”
I looked up with the full intention to order, but instantly froze when I found myself looking at a girl I once met on a beach in Alabama. A girl who brought back memories of Lindsay full force.
It was her best friend, Taylor.
I saw the moment recognition of who I was struck her. That smile she wore only moments ago instantly shifted to one of anger, or maybe disgust.
“What? You didn’t crush her enough already?” she spat. “Come back to finish the job?”
“What are you talking about?” I asked.
I wasn’t the one who fucking lied.
“Well, she’s not here, so you can save yourself the trouble.” Taylor leaned in and brought her face closer to mine. “And just so you know, he’s happy and healthy, no thanks to you. They’re better off without a scumbag like you.”
“Hey.” Taylor spun around at the sound of Haven’s voice.
When the two were face to face, I could only see the back of Taylor but from the look on Haven’s face I knew she, too, was getting the same death glare I had only moments ago.
“Well isn’t this cozy,” Taylor said, her voice full of hate. “The two people who single-handedly broke my best friend. You both should be so proud of yourselves.”
“Can someone tell me what the fuck is going on here?” I asked as I stared back at the two of them who were now looking directly at me.
I was so damn confused right now. The last time I saw Taylor was the night I met Lindsay. She was spunky and fun, unlike the version she was today.
“Let’s just leave,” Haven said as she moved around Taylor to grip my hand and tug. “The service sucks.”
I allowed Haven to lead me toward the door as Taylor stood back with her arms crossed over her chest. Part of me wanted to turn around and figure out where in the hell her attitude came from, but another part told me that a pizza joint was not the place to have a battle with that girl.
“What was that all about?” I asked Haven as I stopped outside the pizzeria. “What the fuck is her problem?”
“She doesn’t like that we’re dating.” Haven laced her hand on my arm, stepping in closer. “After I went to California that first time to meet up with you, she and Lindsay found out. Ever since then she’s been a total bitch.”
“Why?” I asked.
“It’s just the way they are,” she replied. “They play these types of games all the time.”
It still made no sense. The words Taylor spoke about me breaking Lindsay’s heart hit me in the gut. I knew she was upset that day I left the Shores, but it was expected; after all—she lied. And who the hell was healthy and happy?
“Let’s just order something and go back to the hotel.” Haven stepped up closer to me, circling her arm around my waist and pressing her tits against me. “We can spend the afternoon making up for the time we’ve been apart.”
I hesitated for a moment, because Taylor’s words still filtered through my mind, but eventually gave in and followed her to the parking lot.
***
Two days in a row I went back to the pizza joint in hopes of talking to Taylor. I don’t know what it was I expected to happen, but I didn’t like the way things were. Something felt off about the way she acted the moment she saw me.
Both times I was told she was not on schedule that day. Something told me the young girl behind the counter was lying, but I walked away each time with a knot in my stomach.
I spent my nights attempting to pound out my frustration by using Haven’s body. She didn’t seem to mind.
I had originally planned to make this trip about a little more than just sex, but after my encounter with the pissed off best friend, that idea quickly faded. But no matter how many times I fucked Haven, nothing made me feel better. If anything, it only made me feel worse.
“What you didn’t crush her enough already? Come back to finish the job?”
Over and over those words ran through my mind.
On my last day I decided to give it one last attempt and after throwing my bag into the rental car, I drove straight to the pizzeria. If Taylor wasn’t there, maybe I could convince the girl behind the counter to give her my number or something.
As I rounded the corner from the parking lot, I spotted Taylor. She was just about to enter the restaurant and I hollered out her name as I began jogging in her direction.
“What do you want?” she asked, crossing her arms over her chest.
“I just wanted to talk to you about the other day,” I said as I stepped to the side, allowing an older couple to pass as they exited the pizzeria.
“There’s nothing to talk about,” she shrugged it off. “You’re an asshole and I don’t care to waste any more of my time talking to you.”
“Why am I the asshole?” I asked. “Lindsay lied that day, not me.”
“You’re a piece of work you know that?” She uncrossed her arms and stepped closer, her nostrils flaring in anger. “I know she lied; we all pretended to be older than we were that weekend. I understand you had to walk away that day because of the age difference; I’m not for a second blaming you for that. But walking away when she needed you most is what I am blaming you for.”
I tried to speak only to be cut off when she came at me once again.
“And sending that bitch money so that you could say you attempted to make things right was heartless. It was the coward’s way out and never once had I ever taken you for a coward.” Taylor’s cheeks reddened with anger, and we had gained the attention of a few people who strolled by.
“Taylor, I know you’re pissed, I can see that.” I tried to calm her. “But I honestly don’t know what you’re referring to.”
She took a few moments to breathe through her anger. Her stare locked on mine without breaking as the silence stretched out between us.
“What money?” I whispered, hoping she believed me when I said I didn’t know.
She fisted her hands and her cheeks reddened as her nostrils flared with anger. “The money you sent to Haven for Lindsay to abort your child.”
I felt like my legs had just been swept out from beneath me. It was like some fucked up out of body experience as I reached out to brace myself against the side of the building.
A sense of loss filled my stomach and my heart raced.
I tried to speak but the words wouldn’t come.
My child.
I was like a fish out of water, each time I opened my mouth. My throat was dry and my fucking heart ached. I felt like my body weighed the equivalent of a thousand pounds, the buildings around me were closing in, and I was suffocating.
“She never told you,” Taylor said, causing me to look up and meet her stare. “Haven never told you?”
“Did she do it?” I asked, the words finally able to spill from my lips. “Did she get the abortion?”
“No,” Taylor whispered in response. “She kept the baby.”
It was strange, but I felt a huge sense of relief.
I turned around and pressed my back to the brick of the building as I sagged against it. Still feeling a little unsteady, I thought I could use the extra support.
“Do you wanna see a picture of him?” she asked, and if I thought I was unsteady moments ago, it was nothing compared to the rush of shock I felt now.
“Him?” I could hear the shakiness of my own voice.
She nodded as she pulled her phone out of her bag and began tapping away at the screen. “Here,” she said as she held it out toward me.
The moment I saw him I just knew. His eyes were a duplicate of my own, with their shape and the swoop of his nose.
My legs gave out as I slid to the ground beneath my feet and just held Taylor’s phone close.
His cheeks were full and chubby, a smile tugged at the corner of his mouth. It was almost as if he was posing for the camera, hamming it up.
“He’s a happy baby,” she added as I swiped the screen to the left bringing up the next photo. Each one showed more and more of just how true her statement was. He was happy. I stopped suddenly when a picture of Lindsay and my son filled the screen.
She held him close as she pressed a kiss against his forehead while he slept in her arms. It was a beautiful picture.
“Can you forward this to my phone?” I asked her without looking up.
“Yeah,” she replied. “I can send all of them to you if you’d like.”
“Please.” I could feel the burn rise in my chest. “I didn’t know, Taylor.”
That deceitful bitch intentionally kept it all from me. “She used this whole thing to her advantage. Playing it all out on both sides.”
“What do you mean?” she asked as she knelt beside me.
“Haven,” I said as I looked over at her, finally taking my eyes from the phone. “She told me that after you all got back from Alabama, Lindsay hooked up with some guy. She’d tell me story after story of all the times she would bounce from this guy to that guy. She’d tell me that Lindsay lied to all the men and it was some kind of game she liked to play.”
“None of that’s true,” Taylor assured me.
“I know that now. But her lies have cost me memories I never got. She planted all this doubt in Lindsay’s head while planting a different version in my own.” The reality of everything Haven had accomplished over the months hit me.
She knew I was a father all this time, yet she hid that from me.
“Where are they?” I asked.
“She left Roanoke shortly after she found out she was pregnant and went to live with her grandmother in southern Illinois.” I knew there was more to the reasoning for her move, but I would worry about that later.
“I have to fly out in a few hours,” I said, as I finally regained my bearings and lifted myself from the ground. “But I can’t leave and go back to California without seeing him. I’ve got to make this right, Taylor.”
She watched me for a moment before she held out her hand for her phone.
I waited in silence as she dialed a number and lifted it to her ear.
“Hey, Lulu,” she said with a shaky voice. “We need to talk.”