Deception Ebook EPUB 3-17-2014 (6 page)

Chapter 18

Christmas Day 1984

D
arryl, who had graduated from MSD three years earlier, invited me to a New Year’s Eve party in New York. I knew he liked me, but I was never interested in him. I was uncomfortable with the idea of going, but Mom wasn’t. When I told her about it, she said I could go. Bridgetta begged me to accept his invitation, given that she had a boyfriend in New York and wanted to tag along. But after her parents checked around, they said no. Relieved, I used her as the excuse I needed to decline Darryl’s invitation.

However, David had heard that I was considering, and he was not happy:

David:
Hi. David here. GA

Me:
Hi there again. I just couldn’t go and let the call ruin me on Christmas day, so I’m calling you again. I’m curious what business it was for you to be mad when you found out I was invited to be with Darryl for New Year’s? GA

David:
It wasn’t my business. You are right. There is nothing wrong with that.

Me:
Yeah, but can you tell me why you got uptight over this?

David:
I’m just shocked that he invited you and you accepted. That’s all.

Me:
Oh come on. Tell me what’s bothering you?

David:
I said nothing. I was just shocked. If you told someone else they would be shocked too; that’s normal.

Me:
Yeah, but you said last night that you were mad. Why?

David:
That was last night when I found out, then I realized nothing was wrong with that.

Me:
What did the statement mean: my heart is beating so hard?

David:
Of course, when you are shocked or can’t believe something, your heart beats, plus I was extra surprised that it was you, so it beat so fast.

Me:
**** it. Do you believe that I want to be with that boy??? Bridgetta wanted to see Greg and pleaded with me to make her dream come true. To make her happy and since I had nothing to do, I called Darryl and told him Bridgetta and I would go. I was scared at first, but apparently Bridgetta answered my prayers when she called and said she couldn’t go.

David:
OK, then why did you want … forget it. OK, I see the whole point now. That is better, OK?

Me:
I cried recently and you shouldn’t be surprised. Oh well. I really do want to see you. **** you. Why are you always there when I’m … whatever.

David:
I’m sorry if I’m in your way. I’ll wait until college to say goodbye to each other.

Me:
Oh, don’t say that. I don’t ever want to think of that really. Did you mean it when you said why not go steady again? Don’t worry. I’ll say no anyhow, but I’m just curious.

David:
Forget what I said. The whole thing was stupid. That’s part of the reason why I am avoiding seeing you tomorrow, because you will want to hold me and etc.

Me:
Oh yeah, you’re blaming me for all of this. Thanks a lot. Why do you have to hurt me so much?

David:
I was not blaming anyone and didn’t mean to hurt you. I’m really sorry about everything.

Me:
Oh man, you said that thousands of times. What has gotten into you? A Christian boy? I guess I’m a better person, yet I don’t go to church. What do they teach in churches??? Oh I’m sorry; I didn’t mean that.

David:
Yes, of course you’re a better person than me. I’m still a kid who likes to be a little devilish sometimes. I can’t wait until I grow up.

Me:
I wish I could just die. Why can’t we be friends? Why can’t we be? I wish we didn’t do things last Thursday. **** it. Why did I let this happen?

David:
I just wanted to hug you for some affection, but we somehow got deeper. It was not my goal to go deeper; it seems as if Satan tempted us.

Me:
We can’t let that continue unless you love me, which you never did. I just want to make sure for one more time. Maybe I thought it was just a dream. Are we going to prom definitely or maybe or what?

David:
Yes, if we can be happy and have fun for once.

Me:
You say if? How do you know that we will not have fun?

David:
OK, I think if we continue like friends, we have fun. Then why not have fun at prom, too? I’m sure there will be no problems, so you better get busy and start looking for your prom dress.

Me:
Two people will die if you cancel the whole thing. I’ll kill you first before killing myself.

David:
That won’t happen, OK?

Me:
Oh sure. Why didn’t you respect me enough to leave me alone until the pain was gone? Every time I get better you hurt me again. Every time you hurt me, the more I hate you. Part of why I wanted to see you tomorrow is that I want us to do something that will hurt me again. That way I’ll hate you completely.

David:
We won’t see each other tomorrow.

Me:
Yeah I know, but it hurts for some reason. Really, I really wanted to see you. I don’t only love you as a boyfriend, but you were my best friend too. I enjoyed talking to you. Can’t you understand that?

David:
Yes, I have lots fun with you, but why not take the word
love
out of your heart just like me? I don’t know what love is.

Me:
That’s the problem. You don’t know, so how can you command me to take my love out? Can you tell your mom to take her love out for your dad?

David:
Oh no, they know what it means and they are using it the right way. It seems that you are abusing yourself. I think that’s silly. I think you should enjoy life like what I’m doing, but I’m not going too far.

Me:
It seems like you never try to understand me. Just give a try and accept me the way I am. Why can’t you? You make me so confused. You wrote what a beautiful lady I was in my senior picture. Tell me to forget that and you didn’t mean that.

David:
That’s true, you are beautiful. Same as Bridgetta looks beautiful. Tiffany looks beautiful. I am handsome, same as Joey, Roger, and Charles. So … if I am not able to understand you, then go to someone who does.

Me:
But you don’t tell that to Tiffany or Bridgetta, do you?

David:
Yes, I tell them they are beautiful.

Me:
Oh yeah, they didn’t tell me. Are you making that up? I dunno. Whatever it is, it doesn’t matter. The point is that the pain is the same, and I tried, I really tried, to get over you. I could have succeeded if you didn’t bother me. Maybe you didn’t realize, but I took it seriously when you said nice things to me. Please try not to bother me; it hurts. It really does. Try to leave me alone, OK?

David:
Yes. Are you still there? What did you say in the end?

Me:
Try to leave me alone.

David:
OK. I’ll try. Just like the last four weeks?

Me:
It’s hard for me to say yes because I hate those four weeks. All I want is for you to try to understand me. Try to be reasonable. Yes, I want us to be friends. But don’t say such nice things. Just nothing, please. Don’t ever tempt me by giving me hugs or asking me out unless you promise yourself not to do anything. Clear?

David:
I’ll try my best. OK, fine. Then see you at the prom.

Me:
Are we still going together?

David:
Silly question.

Me:
Ha, ha. Oh, OK.

David:
Since you don’t want to talk seriously, I will just say simple things to you as if I was talking to Tiffany or Bridgetta. Is that what you want?

Me:
I dunno. I just want us to be true and good friends. I want us to talk like we used to, but I don’t want to do things like hugging.

David:
Fine, that is clear. OK.

Me:
OK, fine. I guess that’s all I called for. GA or SK

David:
OK, see you. Bye. SK

Chapter 19

February 1985

I
crumpled the sheet of paper and threw it in the wastebasket. It was my fourth or fifth attempt at writing. I reached for another sheet and paused, trying to think of a different approach to begin my letter.

A few days earlier, David and I had gone out for a drive around the town. When he brought me back to the campus, he was frustrated because I had resisted his kiss. I no longer allowed him to do whatever he pleased. It had been a year and three months since our break up, and I had finally gotten stronger.

“So, you have a new boyfriend?” David asked.

“Oh, right,” I said sarcastically. “I have a boyfriend. You are jealous, huh?”

“So what if I’m jealous?”

“You’re so dumb. Who would I go out with?” I challenged him. He knew I wasn’t interested in anyone, except him.

“I bet you thought of what it would be like to kiss
him,
” he said, shocking me.

“That’s disgusting.” I looked at him in disbelief; how could he think of such a thing?

“I bet it’s true. If not, why wouldn’t you let me kiss you?”

“You’re so s-i-c-k! You know, you’ve changed so much. It’s as if I don’t know you anymore,” I said and opened the passenger door to get out.

“Oh, come on. You know I really didn’t mean that. Come back,” he coaxed me.

“Forget it. I’m leaving.” I shut the door and walked away. My feelings for David had changed slowly over time. I was actually scared of what I was feeling. I had written a poem earlier:

Slowly, my feelings had changed.

From days into weeks into months.

I had wanted this to happen

And it did!

But it scares me.

Is my mind working right?

I used to pretend that I don’t love him anymore.

Right now, I think it’s true.

Yes, I love him.

But I don’t feel the way I used to.

Does that mean I don’t love him anymore?

Scary thought.

I never thought it would happen.

What if I really still love him?

He’s getting crazy over me again,

And I’m not so thrilled about this.

Yes, it’s terrific,

But I am taking things easy.

Is it because

I know he would leave me again?

Or is it because my feelings are no longer there?

I tried to concentrate as I began writing on a new sheet of paper. My thoughts drifted to my conversation with David. What he said the other night caught me off guard. At that moment I sincerely thought what he said was gross, but as the days passed, I took a hard look at myself and had to admit that what he said was true. I had thought about what it would be like to kiss…
him.

I felt guilty. How could I have such thoughts? He was a teacher. Not to mention that he was also married. I knew what I had to do – tell him the truth. I was not sure I could go on pretending my thoughts did not exist and suffering with the guilt. How would he react? I just hoped that he would forgive me, and that it wouldn’t jeopardize our friendship. A risky confession.

At last, I was satisfied with the letter I wrote. I folded it several times before placing it securely inside the pocket of my jeans. Now, I had to figure out the right time to pass on the note.

Chapter 20

August 1989

I
stood in front of the full-length mirror, and the soon-to-be bride stared back at me. In a few minutes, a new chapter in my life would begin. Only two years ago I thought I would be doomed to a life of being single.
If only I had waited…

My thoughts were interrupted when someone gently touched my shoulder. I saw Dad’s reflection, letting me know that it was time to go. I quickly glanced once more at the soon-to-be-bride, making sure nothing was out of place before departing.

We walked toward the anteroom that would lead us into the sanctuary – an early twentieth century great hall with wooden pews and beautiful stained glasses on both sides. The church had played a significant role in our family throughout the years. Grandma, my uncles, and my siblings grew up in this congregation. And while Mom, Dad, and I could not participate, Dad had helped build the pipe organ whose melody now would guide us down the aisle.

I looked at Dad and reminded him: “I need to be on your left side, remember.”

“Yes, that’s right.” Dad walked around my train, and when he reached my right side, he stopped abruptly. I saw an expression on his face I didn’t recognize; he clearly wanted to say something but didn’t quite know how. He was not a man of many words.

“Would it be OK if I kiss you on the cheek when I give you away?” Dad blurted out.

His request caught me off guard. He had never kissed me before. Not wanting to hurt his feelings, I replied: “That’ll be fine.”

Why Dad chose this moment to give me a kiss, I’ll never know. I wished he didn’t. His kiss felt awkward and artificial. Did he feel pressured, knowing it was customary to kiss the bride when giving her away?

Chapter 21

February 1985

I
leaned my left cheek against the cold window of our school van as six of us traveled to Madison Square Garden for the U.S.A. Mobil Indoor Track and Field Championship meet in New York. Our coach, Jack Griffin, had gotten us tickets and declared that this event would be one we’d never forget.

We left early Friday morning; our principal granted us special permission to miss school. As Mr. Griffin drove, our excitement was evident. The girls talked about the different athletes we would witness competing – one of them being Carl Lewis. I was rather quiet on the ride; however, my mind was replaying what had taken place the night before.

I had stood by the door and smiled nervously when he saw me.

“Come in. What’s up?” He said, looking at the clock. “Aren’t you going to see the game?”

“I still have time. It’s not 6:30 yet.” I was on my way from the dorm to the gym to watch the varsity boys’ basketball game when I noticed that the light in his classroom was on. I wanted to give him the note now, or else I’d have to wait until the following week because of our trip to New York. I didn’t want to wait.

“Is everything okay? Did you want to talk?” he asked.

“No.” I took the note out of my jeans’ pocket and said: “I have a note for you.”

“I know you prefer to write. But you’re here now. Couldn’t you just tell me?”

I shook my head. “I prefer you read.” After I handed him the note, I was about to walk out of the classroom.

“Wait,” he stopped me. “Why don’t you just stay while I read? Then, maybe we can talk about it?”

“Okay,” I sighed. It was not going to be easy, but he was right. Perhaps, it was best we talked about it in person to just get it over with.

As he unfolded the note, I looked down at the floor, ashamed of what he was going to find out. After he finished reading, he lifted my face to meet his eyes, and assured me: “Please don’t feel guilty. It’s okay. There’s nothing to forgive.”

“But it’s wrong,” I said.

“I’m not sure about that,” he said. “You are not the only one, you know.”

I looked at him, not comprehending.

“I’ve wanted to kiss you since last November,” he confessed.

“Since November?”

He nodded.

And, so we did.