Deception Ebook EPUB 3-17-2014 (7 page)

Chapter 22

February 1985

A
fter our kiss, everything changed.

Everything
.

Not gradually, but overnight.

I had never felt constant fear before then. I was worried that our affection was too obvious. I worried that my classmates would suspect that something was going on between the two of us. In the past, I would pass notes to him via my classmates, even teacher-aides, without much thought. Now I would only hand-deliver them. I became paranoid as well. Every time someone mentioned his name, I was extra careful with my responses.

I learned how to lie. The minute I got home from school on Fridays, I would have to come up with reasons why I needed the car. Fridays at 4:00 p.m. was the only time we could sneak out to be together. Every time I lied about my whereabouts, the easier it rolled off my hands. At times, I surprised myself with how creative my lies were, or how quickly I came up with them.

I put up a facade. I continued to push him away when he tried to hug me. I brushed him off when he complimented me. I laughed along with my classmates when they teased him – the way we tease teachers. I ignored him, perhaps to an extreme, just to alleviate suspicion.

After our kiss, things progressed quickly. The first time he caressed me – in places I’d never been touched – I was scared, but I managed not to show it. I experienced physical feelings I never knew existed. He was much older, over twice my age, and I trusted him.

He was the first adult to say three simple yet powerful words to me – words that my parents had never said: “I love you.”

He made me feel special.

I was loved.

I was desired.

I was beautiful.

I was intelligent.

And he even gave me a special nickname –
Lady.

He had become the father figure I had desperately needed. But now we were involved in ways I never knew would hurt me – almost kill me. It would be many years until I fully understood the depth of the deception.

Chapter 23

March 1985

I
opened the envelope, holding my breath as I pulled out the letter.

Ms. Debbie L. Anderson

Route #3, Box 216

Williamsport, MD 21795

Dear Debbie:

Congratulations!

I made it into Gallaudet. What a relief!

I am very pleased to welcome you to the fall 1985 incoming freshman class.

Freshman. I was afraid I would have to begin in Gallaudet’s pre-college preparatory program. But I made it to the Freshman class.

I am confident that among our more than thirty-three major programs (including majors such as Computer Science, Business Administration, Education, and Physical Education) you will find an excellent opportunity to meet your educational and career goals.

Your coming years will be exciting, rewarding, and meaningful as you prepare for your life and a satisfying career. At Gallaudet you’ll have many opportunities.

Going to college was not part of my plan. If not for the insistence of several of my teachers and coaches, who had graduated from Gallaudet, I wouldn’t have applied. The reasons were numerous.

I didn’t think I was capable; in other words, I wasn’t smart enough. Despite my being in the top class at MSD, I always felt my classmates were smarter than I was. My grades were not outstanding. I reasoned that it was safer not to apply – it would have been better to wonder whether I would have been accepted rather than to be rejected. I didn’t think my pride could have handled it.

Where would I get the money? College cost money – a lot. Having grown up without much of it, I knew there was no question that Mom and Dad couldn’t contribute a dime toward the tuition. I assumed that Grandma had money; Mom and Dad always asked her for it. But I resented them for borrowing and not paying back. I had decided a long time ago that I would not live like that.

Lastly, I have always carried the guilt of knowing I was smarter than my parents. I was concerned about how they would feel about my going to college. My feelings had run so deep that I would find myself subconsciously acting dumb around them just to reassure them that I was no better than they were. For instance: when they would ask what a word meant, I would simply tell them I wasn’t sure. I would go to great lengths to get a dictionary and look up the definition of a word I already knew.

Despite my concerns, I filled out the application just to get the teachers and coaches off my back. Then, what a relief it was to receive the letter and to know I was accepted.

Chapter 24

May 1985

I
suppose my life at home had always been
part
pretense. I had to be careful with my words. I had to hide my emotions. I had to act as if all was well. Now, my life was pretty much
all
pretense. And I was good at it. After all, years of practice makes one perfect.

On our dorm floor, I stood among my girlfriends as we dressed and helped each other get ready for our special evening – prom. It was an event I had looked forward to, yet now that the day had finally arrived, I was not there wholeheartedly. It was one more scene in which I had to play act.

When one of our dates would arrive at the door, someone would run up to get us. I stood waiting with the rest of my friends in my ankle-length, maroon dress, and as I waited, I touched the 14-karat gold necklace that hung around my neck. It was a surprise gift
he
had given me several weeks after our first kiss. I had asked what the gift was for. An all-sort-of-reasons celebration, he said. Nothing particular. He was just proud of me and my accomplishments: My upcoming graduation from MSD. My acceptance into Gallaudet. My being on the Deaf Olympic team, representing the USA at the upcoming World Games.

At last, my date had arrived. I walked down the stairs to our front lobby and stepped out the front door. David stood in his grey tuxedo with his bow and cummerbund matching the color of my dress. He was holding a pink corsage in his hand. When he saw me, he came forward and placed it over my wrist. In turn, I pinned a rose on his tuxedo. We then walked, arm in arm, toward the water fountain that stood in the middle of our campus, where everyone had gathered to take pictures. David’s family was there with their camera to capture our special occasion. My family didn’t come. They didn’t ask if they could, and I didn’t invite them.

He
had wanted to come. Just for a few minutes, he asked, just to get a glimpse of me. But I told him not to. I did not want him there. He had said I was free to do whatever I pleased. “Just go and have fun,” he had encouraged me. I had mixed feelings about the entire evening, but I knew one thing for sure: I didn’t want him among the crowd of spectators. Perhaps I knew I would feel awkward with him watching. Perhaps I didn’t want to deal with my guilt.

David and I posed in front of the fountain, my right arm through the loop of his left arm and our hands, my right and his right, intertwined. Next to David, was his sister who smiled at him affectionately. David’s mother stood on my left, smiling broadly. David’s father stood farthest to my left. One, two, three. Smile. Click. One, two, three. Smile. Click. There was always “Just one more picture.”

The last time I had allowed David to kiss me had been back in December. Just a few days before our evening out, I had made it clear to him that my going with him to the prom did not mean he could have access to my lips. He understood, despite his declaration in February that he loved me and that he wouldn’t give up on me.

Now that my love had been consumed by someone else, I felt stronger. Resisting David had suddenly become easy. I was now loved. Though I was still paranoid, and so secretive, I felt good, and happy
.

Chapter 25

August 1989

D
ad and I made our grand entry into the sanctuary. When we stepped onto the aisle runner, we paused for several seconds.

Peter stood at the far end of the aisle, just below the chancel. I could see the joy radiating from his face as he waited eagerly to receive me as his bride. He was dressed handsomely in a black tuxedo. I smiled self-consciously as guests on both sides of the aisle stood and turned to face Dad and me.

Traditionally, the wedding ushers would sit the bride’s family and guests on the left side of the church and the groom’s family and guests on the right. But because only a few of Peter’s family members and friends were able to travel to witness our wedding, our guests were not assigned to either side of the congregation. There was Uncle Dale, sitting just behind my cousin Tammy and her husband, Steve. My great aunt, Arvella, sat next to my cousin Sue Ellen and her husband, Glenn. Several of my high school classmates were present as well – Joey, David, Belinda, and Ed.

So many were there for our big day, including
him.
As much as I wanted to avoid seeing him, he was impossible to miss. There he stood, at the very end of the pew, right next to the aisle where I would pass shortly.

He was dressed in sky-blue pants and a short-sleeve white, buttoned shirt; his Sunday best.

He stood alongside his wife. Our eyes met, and after a second or two, I looked away.

Little did I know he would be the source of my trauma for years to come.

Chapter 26

August 1985

I
paced, keeping my eye on the phone light. If it was out of my sight, I wouldn’t be able to see it ringing. I didn’t want Mom to answer the phone.

I walked from our den to the dining room. I had wanted to go out today just to touch our initials. We had gone to Dam 4 the other day and walked along the C & O canal. With a knife he’d brought along, he carved a heart with our initials on a tree, for the world to see. I was his. He was mine. But I had taken the car yesterday and I didn’t want to come up with another excuse as to why I needed it today.

Dining room into the kitchen. Yesterday I had called him at home, hoping we could talk. But someone answered and hung up; probably one of his kids. I didn’t think he’d be at work since it was a Saturday, but thought I’d take the risk. I drove to MSD, but his vehicle was nowhere to be seen. Even though I had seen him only two days ago, it felt like a long time ago.
The hickey is still there.
After stopping by MSD, I wanted to go over to Power Line, our secret meeting place, but it was getting dark. Instead, I drove home, passing High’s, where we ate ice cream the other day. His car wasn’t there either.
Of course not, what did I expect?

Kitchen into the living room. Tomorrow I would be leaving for Gallaudet. I wasn’t sure if I would like it. All my classmates were looking forward to it. That was all they talked about before our graduation: Independence. Away from home. Drinking. New friends. Partying all night. Not me. I wasn’t interested. Actually, when my friends did things they weren’t supposed to, such as drinking or smoking, I would report their doings to Mom and Dad. It was my way of seeking their approval.
Mom and Dad, look at me. I am a good girl. I don’t smoke. I don’t drink.
I wanted them to recognize what a good girl I was and praise me. But they didn’t.
Gallaudet. I have no intention of getting involved in such activities. Will I find friends who are like me?

Living room into the dining room. I wanted to see him! I had written him several letters. All of them were torn into pieces and thrown in the trash can.
What is he doing now? Snuggling with his wife while watching a TV show?
I couldn’t help thinking more and more about him and her. How could I go on?
Is she good in bed? Does she taste better?
One day, I had become so bold as to ask him that question. His response: people tasted the same; it’s the feelings that make the difference.
How could he kiss her?
Some days I couldn’t bear the thought of him kissing her. Some days I was able to put my thoughts and feelings aside. Some days I just didn’t care, as long as I had him.

Dining room into the den. Does he still love her? I had believed that he didn’t. But now, I wasn’t sure. Perhaps he still loved her. I know I loved him – no question. But, our love… how would I describe our relationship? Beautiful, yes. But, it was also frustrating and painful. If we continued to see each other, I knew our love would destroy me. Tomorrow, I’m leaving. What will happen to us?
Forgive me if I decide not to write. Forgive me if I decide to leave you.

Den into the kitchen. He had said he was afraid he would lose me. Unbelievable. He was so much a part of me, and I wouldn’t want to let him go. Beautiful. He made me feel so beautiful. He made everything seem beautiful.
Would it be possible for me to love someone else? If I ever do, I hope he will be like him.

Kitchen into the dining room. Gallaudet. Will I like it there? At MSD, I saw him every day. At Gallaudet, I will not have a car. How often will we see each other? Nights and weekends are what I hate; those are the times we can’t see each other.
I want to talk to him now. I need him. Right now. Not tomorrow or the day after.

“What’s the matter? You’ve been pacing around. Are you nervous? I thought you were excited?” Mom asked.

“Tiffany was supposed to call, but I guess she got tied up,” I said.

The clock ticked, 9:58 p.m. He never called. Actually, he never said he would call, but I was hoping he would.
How could he not call on my last night home? My last night home! Why didn’t he just find an excuse to call?

Chapter 27

Fall 1985 – Freshman Year

D
uring my first semester at Gallaudet, I kept a journal.

8-20-85

I find myself longing for him. How will I ever get rid of him? Not that I want to. But I just can’t let it continue forever.

8-21-85

Not so exciting here. Met some new friends but, you know, just met them. David kept on hugging me and I just let him. I hope I am not giving him the wrong idea about us.

8-28-85

People dancing.

Music vibrating.

Hands talking everywhere.

In their hands they hold beer,

In the Abbey.

Watching them,

No beer can in my hands,

Standing silently

In the Abbey.

Drifting into thoughts of you.

People cannot tell

For they can’t see

In the Abbey.

Thinking of you

In the Abbey.

9-1-85

L
oving you has been beautiful, but

O
ften it’s painful.

V
ague feelings about

E
verything.

9-9-85

Got his letter today. Brightens my day! I forget sometimes how great his love is. I need to stop thinking about him and his wife; how unfair it is for him to be with her. It’s because I went out a few times with Darryl. He introduced me to new experiences I’ve never had, such as eating Chinese food. He will be out of town for the weekend and said I could borrow his car. I might go home to see
him!

9-10-85, 1:52 a.m.

People here are enjoying themselves; at least they seem to be having fun, laughing. I’m completely different from them. Here I am at Gallaudet. New life. New friends. New opportunity. New freedom. More education. But I’m not happy. I hate it here, but I don’t get to admit it. Seems like everyone loves to drink, smoke pot, get drunk, and laugh over dumb things. I just do not fit in. Not because I don’t want to. I just simply can’t. I don’t feel comfortable around them.

Seeing my MSD friends drinking bothers me. Maybe I want them to be like me. I seem to be the only one here who is different. I don’t smoke. I don’t drink. I don’t swear. Am I closed-minded? I wonder if the only way to make friends is to join in and drink? Should I? Drinking is dumb. I don’t want to do that and I won’t. But how can I go on here if I don’t like it? I miss my MSD friends. I miss MSD – sports, friends, and teachers.

I want to just disappear to where no one knows me and start a new life. My life is already so messed up. But I can’t just withdraw. People will look down at me. I might as well stay and suffer.

I miss him. Sometimes, I just wish I could go live with him. **** our situation.

9-11-85

I went crazy yesterday, crying all night from 11:30 p.m. to 2:00 a.m. Now I am feeling good. It’s weird, really. Once in a while, I would cry and cry without stopping. My crying was because of many things. I really don’t understand myself. I cried in David’s room and kept on crying. We hugged, and late into the night, he asked me to stay overnight with him, but I came to my senses and left. Why did I let him hold me? I thought I was sure I didn’t love him. Maybe it was just that I needed affection. I really don’t know.

Going home today. Some days when I feel good, my being here is OK. Maybe it’s because I know I will see him. Getting his letters and knowing I’m loved brightens my day. Other days, I just hate it here.

9-13-85

Felt so great! Happy! Because I saw him last night. I love him so much! I don’t think I’ll ever let him go. We almost did it last night, but for a change, it was he who said no.

9-15-85

I miss him. Thought of him a lot. Only six more days until I see him. I can’t wait.

Three friends and I went to see a palm reader last night. My question: How will my love life turn out? Answer: I will get the one I truly love by the end of the year. He is the one I truly love. Does that mean he will leave his wife? Will he be mine forever?

I drank a pineapple daiquiri last night. Strawberry piña colada tonight. At the end, it tasted terrible. I won’t drink ever again. Two experiences were enough.

9-16-85

Just got back from the cafeteria. I hate it here!!!! David passed by me in the cafeteria and said, “First time I see you here.” That was all he said. Maybe I should transfer to NTID next year. New friends. New people. Nobody who knows me. Old classmates kept talking about me and David. It’s just that they know me. I need to be in a different place where I can change. I mean, start everything new.

9-24-85

I keep on asking myself what am I doing here? I feel as if I’m wasting my time. I’m not as busy as everyone would think a college student should be. At nights, I tend to stay in my room doing absolutely nothing. I have friends who exchange a few words as we pass by, but when they have something to do, they don’t think of including me.

Saw a poster about Peace Corps. Must have been at least eighteen years old. Maybe I could do that. The thought of going to the Philippines is scary, but I want to get out of here. The poster mentioned something about having teaching experience. I’ll have to check this out.

I’m tired of my life. It has no meaning. No joy of living. Everything is just dull.

Later the same day, I got information about Peace Corps. It said I must have college degree or have experience working in one of five fields. Oh, I wish I could have this opportunity.

9-25-85

Can’t wait until Friday to go home. Maybe I can find a job somewhere. Will I be able to afford a place to live?

9-30-85

Just done lifting weights. I don’t have much energy left. I’m just tired of everything. Maybe it’s my fault. I don’t socialize much. And I always go home on weekends. After October 4
th
, I think I’ll stay here until November.

10-1-85

Two and a half more months until the semester is over. I guess I’ll stay through the year. Being on the basketball team should help. (I hope I make it on the team.)

Boring here. Life has no meaning. People say college life is great. It’s just a joke.

Got his letter today. I almost cried. It’s because we can’t do many things together. And I always go home on weekends to see him and we get together for such a short time. I need to learn to stay here; maybe things will get better. Not sure if I should end our relationship. It has to stop, but how? When? I don’t want to, but it may be best if I do. If it ever happens, I want us to be very close friends. I don’t want what happened between David and me to happen again.

10-8-85

He’ll call me in exactly an hour. I can’t wait! The janitor asked yesterday if my boyfriend was going to call. I told her yes, he’ll call tomorrow (today). I guess the last time he called, the joy radiated off my face.

I get headaches a lot lately. I don’t get them at home. But here, I get them often.

10-9-85

I’m feeling awful. Ate too much. I feel sick, both physically and mentally. Maybe I’m lovesick too. He never called yesterday. Must have been a good reason. Maybe he had a last-minute meeting.

10-9-85

My heart is filled with pure love.

A love for you,

Just you!

Although I know our love is so wrong,

My heart seems like saying:

If your love is strong,

Let it flow freely.

I kept on telling myself:

It’ll end someday, somehow.

But I am not sure

I meant what I said.

Our love is beautiful,

Filled with pure love.

How can I let it go?

How can I

When I know I have to

Someday, somehow?

10-13-85

Saw him yesterday at MSD. Great seeing him, but we weren’t able to talk much. He is coming on Tuesday and will take me out to lunch. I can’t wait. I’m helping some kids with Playboy Nite (our homecoming dance) tonight. I just need to keep myself busy until Tuesday. I hope we will be able to spend several hours together.

10-14-85

I’ll see him tomorrow! We haven’t really hugged since September 29. Sixteen days now. Yet it feels like months. I need to keep myself busy to kill time. Hopefully, time will go fast. But tomorrow, Lord, please make it slow. I want to be with him as long as possible.

10-17-85

Wonderful, fantastic, great, terrific seeing him two days ago. I almost cried when he had to leave. Love isn’t fair sometimes. If we love each other, then why did he have to leave? I know. I understand. He had to leave because it was getting late, 8:30 p.m., but I just didn’t want him to leave.

There’s a Sadie Hawkins event. I asked a boy named Jay and he accepted. It’s the day when the girls have to pay everything.

He is going to call at 11:00 a.m. today to find out the result of my basketball tryouts. But since results won’t be posted until tomorrow, I think it’s best that I don’t answer his call. I want to talk to him but since he isn’t supposed to call from school, I’d better not answer.

The janitor just rang our door to let me know I had missed my boyfriend’s call. Bridgetta was in the room and she looked at me puzzled. I just laughed and told her janitor was being funny.

10-18-85

Love shared by us two

Has taught me a lot of things

Without our love,

I probably would never experience anything so wonderful.

Will I ever give you up?

Just because of people and family?

Right now, the answer is no!

I’m selfish – you are mine!

But what will I do in the future?

Will my mind change?

I love you now

Like I always did

And always will.

10-21-85

Eight months today since our first kiss. I wanted to call him but did not. I can’t charge another bill to Mom and Dad. Wouldn’t be a good idea. Tiffany was telling me about her weekend with her boyfriend. I wanted to cry. What about me? Don’t I have the right to spend the weekend with him?

Later that same day, I decided to call him. And I cried so hard. Not fair! He isn’t there when I need him. We can’t be together whenever we want to. Why did I fall in love with him in the first place?

Seeing others being able to hold hands, talk, hug, and kiss freely HURTS! I might as well sleep. It will help kill my time until he calls tomorrow.

10-23-85

I want to quit basketball. I’m tired of all the running. I’m just worn out. I’m always feeling so tired.

10-24-85

He called!!! He is coming on Saturday for the homecoming game, but with his family. Oh well. I haven’t gone home since October 6
th
.

Homecoming Day

He hugged me and kissed me on the cheek. We didn’t talk much. I just couldn’t. I wonder if his wife knows. I’m just being paranoid, I’m sure. I acted as if he meant nothing. I just talked briefly and as I walked away, he said, “As ever” (our code for “I love you”). I looked at him and said nothing. He then gave me a pleading look. Before I walked away, I made a “peace” sign (meaning “me too”).

It’s just so **** hard for me to act as if everything is going great. I’m totally opposite of what people think. I’m not as happy as I appear to be.

Most students have gone to Playboy Nite. I hate when people say, “You are not going? Why?” or “You should go” when they talk about different events happening here. I went to Georgetown instead with few students. Ate a Gyro and ice cream. Nothing exciting.

10-28-85

Just done with my aerobics class. I have no motivation to do things like that anymore. I want to get out of here. But where can I go?

10-30-85

He called yesterday and I was upset because we couldn’t talk long. I called him right back to apologize, using a made-up number to be billed. I’m not sure why I was upset in the first place. I feel great today. After his call, I got his three letters yesterday and two today. He might come this Saturday if he can come up with an excuse.

11-7-85

Last Monday I sent him a card telling him I wanted to end it all. No letter on Tuesday and yesterday, and I became depressed. So I called him today. His getting my card hurt him so much and it hurts me. I cried. Later, he cried too (that’s what he said). I hope to see him this weekend. We need to talk to clear things up. I do love him so much.

11-10-85

We met at the river yesterday. So good to be with him. I’m not going to leave him. I know I told him I wanted to, but now I just couldn’t. He said he wanted me to enjoy my college days. He also said he does not want me to regret one day being with him. I don’t think I’ll ever regret them.

Seeing others fool around, drink, talk nonsense, I can’t believe how immature they are – all the kid stuff. I wonder why I’m so different.

My chest is bothering me. It’s not painful but it feels funny. When I bend over, it hurts.

11-13-85

I feel sick. Just ate ten cookies this morning. Almost a dozen! I’ve been lying to everyone saying I have friends. I don’t think I have any. In my spare time, I always spend time in this room, my bedroom. What kind of life is that?

Got two letters from him today. Makes me miss him even more, but also makes me realize how great he is. But I really don’t know if I should continue our relationship. He said I need to do what is best for me. If only he was younger and wasn’t a father.

11-18-85

Something is missing in my life and I don’t even know what it is. Who am I? What am I? What do I want? I just don’t know. Loneliness just overwhelms me.

I keep eating junk food and just can’t stop. I went home Saturday and returned last night. In between, I had eaten five slices of pumpkin pie within thirty-six hours. Gross, isn’t it?

Haven’t seen him since the 9
th
. Nine days now.

Later that same day, I just ate more Oreo cookies. Then I vomited.

11-19-85

I feel so down today. We had a scrimmage and I made a lot of mistakes. Coach was mad at me and she criticized me the whole time. Every time she did, I held back my tears. I got F on my test. 59 percent. My first time. I didn’t get his letter today.

11-20-85

Got his letter. He said he had been sick.