Deception (15 page)

“No... We....” Luke and I both start to speak at the same time.

Luke chuckles. “We’re not together. I’m just a friend.” He stands up and pushes the chair back. “I can go grab a coffee and come back in a bit. While I’m gone, would you like me to get an ice block for that sore throat of yours, Ricky?”

I speculate if he’s been around kids before or if its basic first aid training that gives him this initiative.

Ricky looks at me for permission and I nod my head.

“Can I have raspberry flavour?” he asks.

“I’ll see what I can do,” Luke smiles warmly before leaving the room.

I look down at all the soot covering Ricky and me, glad for the chance to change. The nurse helps me work around the I.V. line and then assists Ricky. He usually hates to shower with a passion, but now he’s more than happy to clean up the itchy mess that covers him from head to toe. I’m feeling weak and groggy, but very grateful for the nurse’s presence. Once all of the gunk is off our skin, she helps us into our hospital gowns and puts us back to bed.

We lay in silence for a few minutes. I’m exhausted, but I can’t shut off until Ricky’s resting peacefully. I hear him sniffle and I reach out, resting my hand on his arm. “What’s the matter, sweetie?”

He swipes at his eyes and looks over at me. “Where’s Daddy?” his voice trembles and I’m not sure if he is worried for his father or himself. No matter how awful Joseph’s treated him in the past, Ricky has never stopped trying to gain his affection. In his young mind it was always him that was in the wrong.

“I’m not sure where Daddy is, but the police are going to make sure he doesn’t come near us again. He’s a bad man, they’re going to catch him and put him in jail. You have nothing to be scared about. You’re completely safe, okay? I promise you.” He nods, total faith in what I’m saying. Ricky is still willing to believe in me, even after Joseph constantly abused his trust. It hurts my heart, regardless of how wonderful our little boy is; Joseph can’t appreciate it. He refuses to cherish his own son, his own flesh and blood.

“Was he trapped in the fire too? Did he get saved, Mummy?”

My mind flickers back to earlier that night. An image permanently burned into my brain...

“Emergency services, police, fire or ambulance?”

“Fire, my house is on fire,” I talk in a rush, urgent to get Ricky out of this death trap. I can hardly hear over the hiss of the fire and the thud of my heart.

“I’m connecting you through now.” The voice on the phone is calm, the one in my mind, frantic.

“Fire department. What’s you emergency?”

“My husband set my house on fire. My son and I are trapped on the second floor, under the left window.”

A loud explosion sounds from downstairs as things begin to break and Ricky cries out, trembling under the blanket. I scream the address into the phone before hanging up. The heat all around me is intense. I’m starting to sweat in these clothes, but leave them on for as much protection as possible. My throat is dry and I can taste the smoke in the air.

My chest tightens and I cough to relieve the pressure. My eyes sting and when I gaze into the front yard I’m not sure if they’re deceiving me or not, but I see Joseph smiling up at me, before he turns and runs away, leaving us for dead.

“Daddy didn’t get trapped in the fire, he got away.” I don’t ever want to lie to Ricky. Now that we’re out of Joseph’s clutches, I’m going to raise him the right way. Teach him how important honesty and communication is. “But I’ll never let him get close enough to hurt us again.”

I notice Luke walking back into the room out of the corner of my eye, but remained focused on Ricky until he’s finished asking questions.

“Mummy?”

“Yeah, sweetie?”

His bottom lip quivers and Luke hovers by his side, ready to comfort him if need be. I watch his face set as he puts up a front of bravery and says what he needs to. “I wish Daddy didn’t get out of the fire. I wish he got trapped there forever.” The tone of his voice cracks through my already broken heart.

“Why would you say that, Ricky?” I stroke his small hand, already knowing the answer.

“I hate him.”

I relate to how he’s feeling, but I loathe the fact, not only does he understand what hate is at such a young age, but has a sound reason to feel it. To know what real hatred is. He’s learning to put up a mask already, to put up a brave face when he doesn’t have to, it’s more than disturbing. I don’t want that for him. He should always be real, never pretend for the sake of others.

My own mask is shattered in a million pieces now. I left it behind to burn along with all the other horrible memories in our old house. And as much as I need to answer Ricky, I can’t put that mask back on to be calm enough to talk. I need to just let the tears flow and squeeze his hand tight to let him know I’m here for him and share his pain.

Luke sits on the edge of Ricky’s bed and we both gaze up at him. “It’s okay to hate him Ricky. Never be afraid to express what you’re feeling. It’s fine to be sad or scared. We all feel that way sometimes. The important thing to remember is to always tell your mummy what’s going on in here,” he taps him on the head, “so she can help to make it better.”

Ricky sits up and wraps his arms as far as he can reach around Luke and my heart melts. Why couldn’t Ricky have a father as compassionate as him? Luke’s going to make a great father someday, his child or children will be lucky to have him. And if that wasn’t enough, he reaches over to grab a few tissues from the box beside the bed and wipes away the tears falling down Ricky’s face. He holds it up to his nose and asks him to blow, which causes me to do this embarrassing sobbing hiccup thing. It’s amazing to have friends in my life again that care.

“How about that ice block?” He unwraps the paper and passes it over while I try and get my crying under control. I’m sad, scared, happy, and a little delirious. Tonight feels surreal. Like I’m watching it all happen to someone else. But it’s definitely me. It’s my crazy life.
Since when did my life become so much like a Jerry Springer episode?

He collects some more tissues from the box and walks over to me. As he holds them up to my face and lightly wipes my tears away, my breath stills. Someone is taking care of me, is concerned about me. The enormous amount of gratitude that is swelling within isn’t an emotion I’m used to, it’s almost overwhelming, and he never takes his eyes off mine.

The way he’s looking at me is intense, too intense, as though his life depends on protecting Ricky and me. This should probably make me feel uneasy, but it doesn’t. I guess that’s just who he is, being a firefighter and all, a natural born caregiver. I keep my gaze locked with his and get lost in this connection, taking comfort in knowing we share similarities in our life. Luke knows what we are going through, to some degree.

“Much better, now I can see your pretty face again.”

I glimpse down at the tissues he holds in his hands. “Wow. I must look a real mess.”

He traces his fingertips along my cheek. “The most beautiful mess I’ve ever seen.”

We stare at each other again and I’m unsure how to respond. I’m feeling slightly confused as to how to interact with someone so kind and compassionate. I smile sleepily back at him, the morphine I was given earlier finally working its magic and making my lids heavy.

“You’re exhausted.” He finally breaks our connection and glances briefly over at Ricky, who’s fallen asleep with the ice block stick in his mouth. He slowly takes it away without waking him and turns back to me. “I’m going to head back to the station and clean up. The guard at the door isn’t going to leave. You’ll be safe. Try getting some sleep. I’ll be back in the morning to take you home.”

“Thanks,” I mumble incoherently, as he leaves the room, or at least I assume he does, I’m not sure, my eyes are already closed.

“If you stop struggling, then you stop life.” - Huey Newton

Luke

T
ime to go and face the music with the chief. I sigh and take one more look at Roxi’s and Ricky’s contented sleeping forms, before picking up my fire jacket and heading out the door. When I reach the front entrance, I remember that I came here via ambulance and have no way of getting back to the station.
Shit, the guys are gonna be pissed.
Reluctantly, I walk back in to the front desk and ask the nurse if I can borrow the phone.

I dial the private line to the office and it’s Jake who answers on the first ring. “Hello. Smokin’ Hot Gigolo Service, how can I help?” I grin at his stupid greeting.

“I’d like to hire a male escort to come pick me up please,” I joke back. The line goes quiet and for a moment there I think he’s hung up on me. “Jake, you still there man?”

“Luke? Where the fuck are you?” The teasing tone is gone and I know he’s upset with me.

I let out a resigned sigh. “I’m at the hospital. I need a lift.”

Looking up, I discover the nurse staring at me with an odd expression on her face. “That wasn’t what it sounded like. I’m not borrowing your phone to hire a prostitute,” I explain. “I’d never use someone else’s phone to do that.”

She raises her eyebrow at me. “Or my own phone.” I quickly add. “Just to clarify, I’d never call a prostitute, at all. It’s a dumb joke between me and this idiot back at the fire house.” She’s smirking at me now and struggling not to laugh, attempting to remain professional during work hours, unlike me, I guess.

Jake on the other hand is in hysterics, having heard that whole conversation. “You’re calling me an idiot and still expecting me to come pick you up?”

His guffaws finally settle and I plead my case, “Please?”

“Fine. But don’t expect me to be happy about it after the stunt you pulled earlier tonight. I’ll be there in ten.”

“Thanks pal, I owe you.”

“You don’t owe me anything. You owe yourself.” I have no idea what he means by that, but the line goes dead before I get the chance to ask.

He pulls up in the car park about fifteen minutes later and glares at me, as I hop in the car. “What the hell man?” He punches my shoulder and scowls at me.
Yeah I probably deserved that.
“You put yourself in danger tonight after the chief told everyone to stand back, for a woman you don’t even know and then you ran out on your team. What’s gotten into you? I know you have a hero complex, but this is ridiculous. You could’ve gotten yourself killed. One of us killed.” A deep worry line furrows between his brows as he scrutinizes me.

“When someone needs rescuing I’ll do anything I can to help them, whatever the cost. It’s not like I have anyone waiting for me to come home. I’m single for a reason. This is what I want to do with my time, save lives. It’s what I need to do.”

Jake’s hands tighten around the steering wheel, turning his knuckles white. “I’m waiting for you to come home, Luke. I care. You have to stop blaming yourself for what happened in the past. It wasn’t your fault, it was a tragic accident. Stop putting yourself in danger because you think you’re worth less than everyone else. You deserve to be happy. You owe it to yourself after all you’ve been through.”
So that’s what he meant earlier.
My past may have been a mistake, but if I wasn’t being such a selfish asshole, getting stoned out of my mind and not caring about anyone or anything else, it never would have happened. From that moment on, I wanted to turn my life around, to be selfless instead of self-centred.

“If you’re going to keep doing stupid shit like you pulled tonight, I’m going to have to tell the chief what’s going on with you.” He rakes his hand through his black hair; his anger disappearing and concern coming through instead.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to put you or any of the guys at risk.” I actually do feel bad, even though given another chance, I would do it all again. “Please don’t tell the chief about my past. I couldn’t leave that woman to die, I know her. It’s Roxi, the chick who’s moving in with us, and the boy is her son, Ricky.” I would’ve done the same for a stranger as well though.

“Holy shit,” Jake’s eyes bug out of his head. “That crazy fucker of a husband of hers tried to burn the house down. We found a bunch of empty petrol tins around the side of the house. Are they both okay?”

My fists clench at my sides. I almost shake with rage at how malicious it is that he would want to harm his own family. I think of how terrified Roxi and Ricky must’ve been, trapped and helpless. Unavoidably, my thoughts wander to my own family’s last thoughts, before they would have blacked out. Did they wake up and realise what was happening? Did the smoke keep them unconscious and they never knew? Were they in any pain?

“Pull over,” I order as my stomach rolls.

“Wha...” He gazes over at me and veers the car over to the side of the road. I barely manage to get the door open before I heave my guts up everywhere. I sit back down with my legs still half out of the car and close my eyes to help ease the nausea.

Jake pats me on the back, “It’s okay, they’re safe now. Or they’re going to be. I know I was pissed at you before, but seriously, you did good tonight, Luke.”

I’m not admirable, I’m just like that monster who lit his own family’s home on fire tonight; only my family didn’t make it out alive.

I rub my hands over my face, stopping to massage my temples, literally trying to push out the disturbing thoughts that circulate my mind. “They both had a lot of smoke inhalation, Roxi got a burn on her arm, but other than that they’re going to be fine. Physically anyway.” The words taste bitter on my tongue. I wish I could’ve gotten to them sooner, that Roxi wouldn’t have a permanent scar embedded on her arm, one always reminding her of this night. I swing my legs back in the car and shut the door.

“You all done blowing chunks? If you get any puke on Eleanor you’re cleaning her. I love you like a brother, but I don’t do vomit.”

Asswipe.
I pretend I’m about to spew all over him, just to psych him out.

“Cut it out, numb nuts,” he gripes.

Clicking my seat belt into place I smirk at him. “I’m all done, I promise.” He starts the engine and merges back onto the road. “Why on earth you named your mustang the girliest name imaginable, I’ll never understand.” I shake my head and lean back against the seat.