Deception (24 page)

“I don’t even know what makes me happy anymore. I haven’t concentrated on me in a very long time.”

“Don’t be ashamed of working in a café, just live your life. Go out, do things, discover what brings you the most fulfilment and then do it. If you concentrate on the important things, everything else will fall into place.”

Regret laces her features, as she mourns over the time in her life she’s lost, time he took away that she’ll never get back. I want to kiss the frown off her face. As I lean down to press my lips to hers, she flinches away and pain slices through me unexpectedly. If I had any doubt before if I was ready for a relationship, if I cared enough, the fresh wound in my chest helps to answer that question. Roxi is important to me, only I have no idea how important I am to her. I’m suddenly scared to ask. I’ve never worried about talking to a woman before, but then again I’ve never been concerned of what they thought about me. It never mattered before now because I didn’t want them to stick around. Fear of rejection, just like I suffered all those years ago from my father, comes creeping back in.

“Look Luke, I like you but...” she glances over at Ricky for a moment and then back to me. My heart plummets.

“We can’t be affectionate in front of Ricky. I don’t want to confuse him. When he sees me with another man, other than his dad, I want to be sure of the relationship. Ricky doesn’t need another male role model in his life to abandon him. I’m really attracted to you and you’re a great guy but I don’t need to be jumping straight out of one relationship and into another. I need to rediscover who I am on my own, first. I need to get back on my own two feet, discover myself as a whole, not just as someone’s other half. I know you’re attracted to me and get along great with my son, but you have to really and truly understand, Ricky and I are a package deal. Are you really ready to commit to a family?”

For once I ignore any thought that I’m not worthy of happiness, and I go with the feeling in my gut. I look her straight in the eyes, my position unwavering. “To be honest with you, I never thought I would be, but you and Ricky have changed all that. We’re good for each other. You make me feel like a better man.”

She opens her mouth to say something, but I’m not finished yet. I’m done trying to do what I think is right. I’m ready to chase after what I want. What I now realise I deserve. I place my finger over her lips and continue. “I’ll wait till you’re ready. You’re worth it.” Her lips stretch into a smile under my touch and I smile back.

“Freedom is the oxygen of the soul.”  - Moshe Dayan

Roxi

A
s I walk into the coffeehouse, I’m sick with nerves. I haven’t been on a job interview in, well... ever. Joseph and I married straight out of school and I’ve always been a housewife and mother. I feel ridiculous at never having experienced this at twenty-six years old.

The smell of coffee heightens my senses, reminds me what it’s like to have too much caffeine, and increases my anxiety. My resume is light under my arm, no previous jobs, only a few personal references, a very few, I don’t know many people. I walk up to the counter trying to stop the tremor in my hands and ask to speak with Marisa, the owner of Coco’s.

“Hi my name’s Roxi. I’m here for the interview.” My stomach churns in worry.
Do I look as scared as I feel? Are my sweaty palms staining the resume I hold? Will I say the right things?

The young man behind the counter rakes his eyes over my body and gives me a wink. “I’ll just go and find Marisa for you.” Anxiously, I gaze down at my outfit, black, knee length skirt, white blouse, smart shoes with a low, respectable heel.
Is this appropriate attire for an interview?

Dimples appear next to his smile, as he grins at my awkwardness and I chastise myself for checking out one of the employees when I should be acting professionally. It’s hardly the right way to make a good impression. He leaves to get Marisa and a lady in her early fifties comes out with welcoming eyes and a warm smile. I immediately feel at ease. We take a seat and she asks me to tell her a little bit about myself.

I tell her all about Ricky, conveniently avoiding the topic of Joseph. “I love being a mum, however it would be wonderful to get out and about while he’s at school, to interact with others and have a purpose each day. Your café is so cosy, the atmosphere is fantastic, and it seems like an ideal work environment.” It feels as though I’m talking past a lump in my throat, my pulses races and I sure hope I’m not as twitchy on the outside as I am on the inside.
Am I saying the correct things?
I try to smile enthusiastically, as though I belong here, trying to fake it until I make it. 

We somehow get on to the subject of my favourite TV show, Palm Valley, laughing as if we’re old friends, instead of employer and potential employee. I immediately like her, but then fret that maybe I should’ve kept it more professional, maybe I’m in over my head here.

She starts to flick through my resume and I worry even more, as I know how empty it is. It’s only two pages for crying out loud, and one of those is just a cover page. There’s not much I can do about that though. Better to keep it short and simple, than too many pages full of bullshit. I cough to ease the tightness in my chest caused by the nerves that I’m feeling.

“I’m sorry, I know there isn’t a lot of job history in there, but I’m a quick learner and have a lot of life experience.” Hopefully, this will help my case.

Marisa puts the resume down and chuckles, “That’s quite alright dear. You seem like such a lovely young girl. As long as you can serve our customers with a friendly smile on your face and greet them warmly, then I’m more than willing to give you a shot.”

I try my best not to jump up and down, screaming in excitement like a teenager applying for my first ever job. I don't want to lose this opportunity when I’ve literally just been hired. “I’m only looking for a few hours of work each day, I’m keen to get out of the house and be independent again, but need to be able to drop my son off at school and pick him up.” It’s only fair to be upfront and honest about what I’m capable of. I hold my breath, praying this doesn’t blow it for me.

“Perfect, we only need someone over the lunchtime rush anyway.”

Relief washes over me and I let out the breath I was holding. Marisa informs me to show up tomorrow at 10:00 a.m., wearing something similar to what I’m in now – black bottoms and a white blouse, and that she’ll be here to teach me how to operate the coffee machine.

I beam back at her, “Thank you so much for this opportunity, Marisa. I won’t let you down.”

“My pleasure, I have a feeling you’ll fit in well with our little family here.” She holds out her hand and I shake it in mine, although I really want to pull her into a hug. If only she knew just how much this means to me. I love the way she refers to her employees as family. I don’t care that this isn’t a career; this place is so much more than just a coffee house, its friendly faces and support, everything I need.

“Before you leave, come and get a few samples of the cake to take home with you. I find it helps to taste them, so you can describe just how delicious they are to the customers. I’m very proud of all my creations. I bake everything out back in the kitchen.” She stands up and I follow her over to the counter, my mouth watering just looking at the food in the display case. I’m definitely going to like working here, I’m not sure if my waist will though.

*****

M
y face aches, the good kind of ache, because it was brought on from something that resulted in so much joy that I couldn’t help but smile non-stop. Long enough to make my cheeks hurt and then some, it may never leave, and that thought just makes me grin even wider.

It stays put while I scream out the lyrics to the song on the radio, not even caring who hears. I must look kind of creepy. I mean, who smiles while belting out heavy rock music? I can’t seem to stop though. I tap on the steering wheel with enthusiasm. The windows are down in Luke’s car and the wind blows in my face, exhilarating me.

I take the tie out of my hair and it flies all over the place, tangling in a giant mess. I don’t care. I’m in control of my destiny. I have a job. Freedom. If I want untidy hair, I’ll bloody have untidy hair. In a moment of recklessness, I take both my hands off the wheel. I feel daring, no one can stop me from doing what I want to do. I place them against my scalp and scruff my hair up even more.
Take that Joseph, you big ass!

When I pull into the driveway, I practically leap out of the car and bounce to the door. My mood is fan-fucking-tastic. From the entryway, I can hear feet shuffling and giggles echoing off the walls, I wander down the hall to see what’s going on.

As I enter the room, Luke and Ricky stand at attention, hiding something behind their backs. Too bad for them the evidence is all over Ricky’s smug face. He’s pretty pleased at what he’s convinced Luke to let him do. Leaning down, I lick the Nutella off Ricky’s cheek.

I lick my lips, “Yum, where’s mine?”

Luke’s fixated on my mouth, and yep, I’m still smiling. “Damn, I wish I had chocolate on my face too,” he winks.

His face doesn’t need Nutella to be delicious. I’m not going to lick him in front of Ricky though. I walk over to the kitchen drawer and pull out a spoon. “Come on guys, you’re so busted, give up the goods.”

We all sit down at the kitchen table, eating Nutella out of the jar. “Mummy, can we have this for dinner every night? Please?” Ricky seems to be enjoying his new freedom as well. The bounds that held us so tightly before, unravelling, breaking apart, giving us room to breathe and be who we want to be.

“Not every night honey, we’d get sick of it pretty quickly, but we can splurge like this sometimes.” After all, we have lots of new things we’re able to try now. If I don’t want to cook every night, I don’t have to anymore. In fact... “Why don’t we have cake for dessert? Mummy’s new boss gave us lots and lots of cake to taste.”

The smallest pleasures in life bring the most joy, like looking at my son’s face right now, as he eats Nutella for dinner and cake for dessert. We don’t need it all, but as long as we have each other and can enjoy the simple things, our life is perfect.

*****

D
arkness blankets the room, I toss and turn, noises in the night causing me to stir. Confusion clouds my mind. I try to break through it, reaching.... Reaching... For what I don’t know, but something isn’t right. Terrified shrieks slam into me, annihilating my haze, wrapping around my gut, pulling me up and guiding me on instinct straight into the confronting scene.

“No! Let go of me, I have to get in there!”

My heart thumps in time with my frantic footsteps along the floor. The silhouette of strong arms thrashing, legs kicking, sheets tangling, Luke breaking apart, so powerful, yet so vulnerable.

Without hesitation, I’m at his side, wanting to comfort him the way he does me. Gently stroking the side of his face, my heart breaking at the anguish twisted through his features, “Luke, it’s just a dream, you’re okay. I’m right here with you.”

Unconsciously, his arm wraps around me, pulling me down against his hard body and holding me tight. He clings to me, while his heavy breaths and whimpers of distress send prickles of fear down my neck.

What haunts him beyond recognition of the sweet, gentle guy I know?

“Luke, wake up, come back to me.” I kiss the tortured lines that crease his face and his eyes snap open, staring wide at me,
into
me. The small amount of light from the moon that filters through the window allows me to see the pain that fills him. I try not to gasp, try not to close my own lids and block it all out, there’s so much sorrow. He weeps without tears, shaking, irises quivering around the edges, desperately pleading for me to take it all away.

Cautiously, I press my lips to his, helping him to forget. He seizes the opportunity, weaving his hands through my hair and kissing me back with a passion so raw that it hurts to think about what it all means, so I don’t, I just go with it.

His words from earlier flit through my mind -
‘Discover what brings you the most fulfilment and then do it. If you concentrate on the important things, everything else will fall into place.’
This feels good, it feels right. Here, comforting each other; is where we’re supposed to be, where we belong.

I lose myself in the sensation, giving back as good as I get. I sink my teeth into his bottom lip then slide down his body, nipping at his neck. Sitting up, I rip my shirt over my head and throw it to the floor. Luke groans in appreciation, fuelling my desire to please him, to erase all his horrible memories, to turn him on so badly that he loses his mind.

When he reaches for my breasts, I grasp his wrists with both my hands and move them behind his head. “Leave them there,” I order, feeling the rush of control. His eyes burn into mine, that one look feels like he’s touching me all over and I shiver all the way to my toes.

As I slowly rise to stand above him, I lower my panties, stepping one foot out of them, and then kicking them off with the other. I spread myself with my fingers, teasing... waiting...

“Time’s up, that’s all the restraint I have sweetheart.” His voice is rough, as his hands grip my waist and he pulls me down on his face. Our eyes lock as he growls against my clit, all sharp stings from his teeth and sweet suckling.

His gaze is so intense, so frantic; it triggers a flood of emotions in me. The ghost he’s fighting won’t go away, I see the battle still going on in his head. It’s too much, too powerful. I’m losing the war to help him forget.

Tears well up, showering down on him and he slows the stroke of his tongue, before guiding me back down his body to rest on top of him. He squeezes me tight, peppering kisses over the side of my face and saying over and over, “I’m so sorry, so, so, sorry. Did I hurt you? What’s wrong baby? Talk to me.”

A small sob escapes. A mixture between all the passion and lust coursing through me and a reaction to the sudden rush of feelings towards him that are consuming me. I care about him, he’s hurting and it’s causing me physical pain.