Deception (26 page)

His voice breaks and he sniffles, “I could’ve handled it better if it was just me he picked on, but watching him hurt my mum and being helpless to stop it, it fucking broke me.”

My heart stutters; to hear this from the point of view of a child, wrecks me. His mum wouldn’t have wanted him to feel as though it was his job to look after her. She would’ve wanted to shield him from all the horror. I know that’s how I felt with Ricky. I would’ve taken a thousand beatings, if it meant Ricky would’ve gotten none.

“You were just a child. It was your parent’s job to protect you, not the other way around. You weren’t weak. You were brave for making it through, for surviving everything you went through. As a mother myself, I know your mum would be proud of you. She would’ve felt as though she was failing you. She never would’ve thought you were letting her down, you have nothing to be ashamed about.”

He shakes his head struggling to believe my words. “I used to do a lot of drugs back then, drink a lot of alcohol, anything I could get my hands on. It was my escape. It numbed me. I couldn’t ever forget the abuse I had to deal with, but it helped to numb the pain. All the self-loathing I had for myself, it masked it, made me feel incredible for just a little while, instead of how fucking weak and pathetic I really was.”

Raising my head, I take his chin in my hand and force him to look at me. “You weren’t weak,” I insist.

He twists away from me. “I was definitely weak. I was so stoned that night, so fucking stoned. I couldn’t take what I’d seen, I couldn’t face it. I ran off like the wimp that I was, and did whatever I could to forget.”

My mind drifts to all the sleeping pills I used to take not so long ago. I can understand where he’s coming from. I needed them to stay sane, but didn’t want to lose myself so completely that I wasn’t in my right mind to be there for Ricky.

“One day after school, I walked through the door, and... oh God...” A sob breaks free, he swallows hard and tries again, “He wasn’t even supposed to be home, but he was. Mum was screaming through the gag in her mouth as he was forcing himself on her on the lounge room floor. She kept clawing at his face, I remember the blood from the scratches on his cheeks, and how he kept trying to slap her away.”

The lump in my throat swells as he speaks, and I rock us back and forth trying to dislodge the torment that feels all too real. His cold distant eyes match the dread inside of me.

“I attempted to get him off her, but he wouldn’t budge. He screamed at me, ‘
hold the bitch down’
. I just stood there and cried. I couldn’t do anything to stop it. He threatened if I didn’t hold her down that I’d be next. He laughed and told me I might like a good ass fucking since I was such a pansy boy that couldn’t even fight like a woman, let alone a man.”

It feels like my insides are being torn apart. How is he not in pieces, after what happened? He isn’t weak. Far from it. He’s tougher than anyone I know.

“I was so mad. All I could see was red. I was out of control,” he continues. “I got my baseball bat and beat him over the head with it until he keeled over.”

I don’t even know if he still recognizes my presence anymore, he’s so deep in his story. Regardless, I squeeze him tighter, trying to absorb some of his pain, trying to take it away.

“When I went near Mum to comfort her, she flinched. She was scared of me, ’cause I was a monster, just like him. I beat the crap out of him.”

“Luke,” I say firmly, trying to get his attention, but he’s lost in a dark place. I shake his shoulders, “Luke, you were nothing like him. You were trying to save your mum. You were courageous.” His unyielding demeanour breaks my fucking heart.

“Mum ran upstairs and locked herself in her room. I left Dad where he was. Didn’t even check if he was breathing. I hoped he wasn’t. When I went to see where my brother Trent was, he was passed out on his bed, a bag of pot beside him. He obviously heard and couldn’t handle it. Not that I blame him. I took his stash and went and got high, sat in my room for hours never letting the numbness subside. Every time the panic started to creep back in, it lit back up. If that wasn’t enough I drank straight from a bottle of rum. Later that night my hunger pains from all the weed got too much to take and I went downstairs in search of food. Through my haze, I noticed Dad was no longer on the floor. I was relieved that tomorrow would go back to normal and freaked out things would be the same all at once. I carried on like nothing had happened, ’cause events like this weren’t uncommon in my house.” He rubs his hands hard over his face, taking a moment to regroup.

The lump in my throat has tripled in size now and I squeeze it out through giant tears. They scorch a path of despair down my face.

“After I put the oil on the stove and realised there was no food, I went out to buy some. My buzz started to wear off and memories of that afternoon were coming back, so I went to find another high instead, a stronger one. I was out partying while my family burnt alive.”

“Not your fault,” I cry; my voice barely coherent. He doesn’t seem to hear me.

“I always thought he was going to kill us, but in the end it was me who was responsible for killing them and I’ll regret it the rest of my life.”

“We all walk in the dark and each of us must learn to turn on his or her own light.”  - Earl Nightingale

Luke

A
fter helping me remove the glass from my feet, Roxi had to leave for work, which is a good thing, because I need some time on my own after what I just divulged. My mind feels disconnected from my body. I’m in shock that I told her all of that, I can’t believe I did. I didn’t even go into that much detail with my therapist. I was petrified I was going to lose her and I completely panicked. The need to explain was greater than the shame I have always felt.

Sitting on her bedroom floor, I feel empty, but in a good way, like all the burdens that were weighing me down have lifted slightly. Traces will always remain, but after sharing them with someone else, someone who understands, they no longer suffocate me. I can breathe again.

Roxi’s presence still lingers in this space, and I don’t want to move yet. I can still feel the warmth of her embrace, and when I inhale, I can still smell her. It brings me comfort and I slowly drift back into the present, feeling less detached from the real world and what’s going on around me.

It’s strange not having her and Ricky around today. The house is so quiet that it’s actually loud. The silence screams at me. I miss them both while they’re gone and we haven’t even been apart a full day. What am I going to do when they move out? I don’t want them to go.

I must’ve been in here a while, lost in my own thoughts, because Jake comes in to check on me. Crouching down on the floor beside me he asks, “You okay man?”

I nod, still a little choked up. “I’m fine. She changes the way I feel about everything, and it scares the shit outta me, but I’m okay, more than okay. She makes me feel like a better man.”

Jake sits down and grins at me, “It kinda sneaks up on you, doesn’t it?”

I’m pretty sure I know what he’s talking about, but he’s asking like he knows the feeling. I didn’t realise he was so taken by Sarah. I guess it happened to both of us pretty fast. I never thought it would. “What are you talking about?” I ask, just to make sure we’re on the same page.

He confirms my thoughts by replying, “Love.”

“More like blows up in your face so you can’t ignore it,” I smile as I answer his original question. It feels good to give this new feeling a name. Love. I fucking love her and it feels fantastic.
Why did I ever try to fight this?

I raise my eyebrows at him, “So, you and Sarah?”

A shy look that isn’t a familiar thing on him crosses his features, “Yeah about that, I was going to tell you this morning but then...”

He rubs the back of his neck nervously. We both know he was about to refer to Roxi overhearing me.

“Then I went and opened my big mouth to you, before I had the chance to explain things to Roxi,” I fill in the blank for him. “It's alright. I’m not going to break.” I’m sure he’s a little disconcerted by my appearance. “So, what were you going to tell me this morning? I’m curious now.”

“Umm...” He rubs his neck anxiously again and won’t meet my gaze.

“Spit it out Jake,” I urge.

What the hell has him acting so fucking weird around me?

He exhales and finally looks up at me. I can tell that whatever he’s about to say he’s excited about, although he doesn’t want to upset me. “I signed a contract for a house. I want to ask Sarah to move in with me.”

Holy shit, I wasn’t expecting that.

“Wow, that’s huge, congratulations.”

“I haven’t actually asked her yet, I was hoping to impress her with the grand gesture. I thought it might convince her that I’m serious about her,” he confides.

I want to give him shit for being all mushy. It feels strange to be sitting here like sad saps, gushing about feelings and crap, but I feel the same way about Roxi, so I keep my mouth shut.

Instead I ask, “When’s the big move?”

“The owner agreed to a short settlement, and I signed last week, so three weeks from now,” he replies, as he gets up off the floor.

Looks like I’ll be needing a new housemate and I know exactly who I want it to be, only I don’t just want her as a housemate. Now I simply have to convince her to stay. Hopefully forever.

*****

I
t’s an average weeknight, Ricky has just gone to bed and we’re settling in to watch Palm Valley, our nightly routine. Only my life has been anything but average since I met Roxi. She’s extraordinary. Even trivial things like watching TV are special when I do them with her. I’m going to miss this habit when I go back to work next week. Maybe I’ll see if I can switch to the day shift, after years of being on nights.

I stare openly at her while she watches her show, I don’t even try to hide it anymore. I’m in love with everything about this woman, her easy going companionship, and the way that her eyes light up over doing something as inconsequential, as sitting on the couch eating take out with her feet on the coffee table, everything.

Despite my slight OCD tendencies, I purposely leave the dirty dishes on the kitchen bench. I tell Roxi not to worry about them, that I’ll take care of them in the morning, just to see her smile. She thinks it’s one of the greatest freedoms in the world to be able to live like a slob in your own house, and if that’s all it takes to make her happy, I’ll gladly live in a pigsty.

This is my favourite time of day. Not because I love the programme, but I enjoy watching Roxi view it. A love scene is currently playing out and she is squirming in her seat, and blushing furiously. It’s one of the sexiest thing’s I’ve ever seen, and makes me wonder how she’d react if I were to murmur a bunch of dirty things in her ear... I’ll have to remember how easily she blushes for later. It’s definitely something I want to explore.

Sliding along the couch, I lean in and whisper, “If you don't want me to help you get more comfortable, then you have to stop wriggling around. I’m trying to restrain myself so you can watch the end of your show, but there is only so much a man can take. You squeezing your thighs together, your sweet ass writhing around on the seat, they’re sending me over the edge.”

She looks up at me with wide eyes, her breath coming out in short pants. I’m not sure if she’s aroused from the images on the screen, or if my nearness affects her like she does to me. Either way, the desire she exudes leaves me unable to hold back. I trace my fingertip along her smooth skin, across her collarbone, over the swell of her breasts. Her chest rises and falls in rapid succession. I swipe my tongue across the pulse point in her neck, smiling as I realise she feels it as well, she’s falling in love with me too. I’m sure of it.

“Move in with me,” the words tumble out of my mouth, and my entire world stops while I wait to hear what she’ll say.

“I already live with you,” she breathes.

“That’s not what I meant. I want you to stay. I...”
love you.
I stop myself from saying it out loud. Not because it isn’t true, not even because I’m scared to tell her, but because words don’t seem like enough. Three simple words don’t even come close to explaining what she means to me. I want to show her.

Keeping my gaze locked with hers, I bend down and press our lips together. Lightly at first, while I trace my hands over the sides of her face and then whisper in her ear, “You’re so beautiful, it almost hurts to look at you.” I pull back, closing my eyes and then kissing her deeply, winding my hands through her hair and holding her close. She makes my chest tight, but I can’t fucking breathe without her near. “You blow my mind. I can’t even express how crazy in love with you I am.”

I gently take her hand and place it over my heart. I swear she can feel how hard it beats. The thought of her saying she doesn’t want to stay, has it thumping out of control. “You do this to me. Without you here, I’m terrified it’s going to stop. Stay.”

She moves her hand away, kissing the spot it just left, and then wraps her arms around me. “You feel like home.”

I feel the wetness from her tears soak through my shirt and I pull away slightly to witness the pained expression on her face. She shifts uncomfortably on her seat and my gut fucking plummets. She’s obviously going to say no.

“But?” I question her.

“I feel like I’m falling for you too, but I just got out of an abusive relationship with my husband, someone I’m technically still married to. I don’t want to rush into anything, or rely on anyone again so soon. I need to know I’m capable of being on my own, of being my own person. Although, I don’t want to lose you either. I won’t let Joseph screwing my life over, be the cause of me missing the opportunity at something great.”

I wipe away her tears, hating to see her so torn up inside. As much as it pains me to do so, I say, “You won’t miss anything. I’ll wait for you, forever if I have to. You’re worth it.” Also, I can’t see myself ever being with somebody else.

“For us to work out, we need to take things slow, to give us a fighting chance. We’ve both been through so much and I want to make sure we’re together for the right reasons, not just to help each other overcome our pasts. Everything has been so full on and serious, I want light and fun, we deserve it. When I move out though, I still want to see you, a lot of you.” She winks and her double meaning doesn’t go unnoticed by me, only...