Deception (23 page)

Abruptly he pulls out, gazing down at me, at what I’m doing. “Aww hell,” he groans, fist pumping around his own length.

The desire in his face, and the hunger in his words, cause me to shatter, spasms of ecstasy raking over my body. White jets of come land on my stomach, marking me, making me feel like I belong to someone other than Joseph, releasing me from the half-life I was living before.

“Holy hell,” he huffs, completely out of breath. He pulls my fingers away from my core and lifts them to his mouth, licking them clean.

“Holy fucking hell,” I whole-heartedly agree.

“You can clutch the past so tightly to your chest that it leaves your arms too full to embrace the present.”  - Jan Glidewell

Luke

I
feel indestructible, on top of the fucking world, you can’t get a better high than this. Energy courses through me, pumps through my veins, pulsates through my dick. That was the most un-fucking-believable blowjob I’ve ever had. Sensational.

Placing my hands on her stomach, I smear my come all over her chest. Just the sight of it has me half hard again. She’s crazy hot. “You’re so damn beautiful,” I can’t stop looking at her, delighting in the contented little sighs escaping past her lips.
I did that, I’m capable of bringing someone joy.
I could definitely grow to love this woman, I can’t guarantee I wouldn’t fuck it all up, but I’d try my damnedest not to. She’s worth the risk. I’m worth it. We’re worth it.

“You make me feel beautiful,” her voice is husky, still full of sex, her smile reaches her eyes and she looks happy, happier than I’ve ever seen her. Pride swells that I’m the cause.

I press a chaste kiss to her lips before gently sliding her panties and shorts back up. Roxi was so wrapped up in what we were doing, that I’m pretty sure she failed to remember Jake’s home, asleep, but home none the less. I pick her up in my arms, and between nibbling along her neck I whisper, “You’re all dirty, let’s have a shower.”

“You make me feel dirty,” she winks, sending renewed lust through me.

I playfully nip the lobe of her ear with my teeth and she squeals, laughter bubbling up her throat. I’ve never been one for squealers, but if this much enjoyment always shines through, I want to hear them all the time.

Not even bothering to undress first, I carry her straight into the shower and turn on the water. Steam starts to rise as I slowly slide her feet to the floor, press her back against the wall and kiss her deeply. Our bodies tangle as I run my hand along her curves, reaching around to unsnap her bra and stepping back slightly so it can fall to the floor.

Droplets of water fall down her breasts, and I lift them up to my mouth, licking, sucking, and massaging them lightly, while moving down her body. My tongue swirls over the flat planes of her stomach, dipping into her belly button and tasting the proof of what we just did. My cock jerks as I move lower.

I peel her shorts and panties off, nuzzling into her, breathing deeply, licking up the water drops that trickle down her slit. Her legs tremble and I hold her steady at her hips, slowly working my way back up her body again, appreciating all of her.

She reaches for my shorts and I push her hands away. “You took care of me, now let me take care of you.”

Before she has the chance to reply, I skim my fingers over her sopping wet folds, she whimpers as they slip inside and rocks against my hand. “Look at me, Roxi,” I demand, “I want to see what I do to you.”

Her eyes lock with mine as I glide the cream that coats my fingers up between her ass cheeks, and then encourage her to buck against me when I delve them back inside. Her brown irises flickering with intensity, pleading with me for release, her lips parted slightly, her sexy pants getting faster and faster. I know she is close and I can’t wait to see her fall apart.

Thrashing wildly against me, she cries out and then goes limp in my arms. I wrap myself around her, just holding her under the spray of the water, amazed by how completely she trusts me, amazed that I finally believe I can live up to that.

I lean back and look into her satiated face, “You’re so Goddamn sexy.” She smiles back, utterly worn out. “Let me wash you.” I reach around her and pour some liquid soap in my hands, gliding it over her body, ignoring how my cock jumps, how my balls ache, how I can’t get enough of her. I make this all about Roxi, worshipping her body like she deserves.

*****

“Y
ou’re in a mighty fine mood today, Luke. I take it a certain somebody got laid, did they?” Jenni, my therapist, smirks and taps her fingers on her desk, while I spit the mouthful of water I just took all over myself.

“Whoa, say what’s really on your mind. Don’t hold back or anything, Jenni,” I laugh awkwardly. Her methods are unconventional to say the least, but they work. She makes me feel as if I’m sitting down with a friend and it’s easier to open up, most of the time.

Putting her index finger over her lips, she tilts her head to the side and contemplates me a moment. I shift uncomfortably on the soft leather couch awaiting her assessment. She seems to get information out of me from the smallest things I say or do.

“Avoiding the answer I see, I take it this girl means something then. You’ve never had a problem telling me about the women you’ve been with before. This is progress, that’s good. Why don’t you tell me about her?” She leans back in her chair, crossing her legs and waiting for me to spill my guts.

My heart picks up its pace, as I consider how much to reveal. Toying with the idea of a relationship in my head is one thing, but admitting it’s something I want out loud, feels like inching closer to actually making the commitment. I know I want it, but I’m still not one-hundred percent positive I’m capable of being what they need, I have to be sure.

I’ve never told Jenni I started the fire, that I’m responsible for my family’s deaths. She has no inkling of the physical and mental abuse I suffered as a child, or about the drugs and alcohol I consumed to escape. I’ve expected her to work miracles curing my nightmares without giving her the full story. She thinks that the cutting was because of anguish over my loss, and isn’t aware it’s from guilt.

I never thought it mattered much if I kept it from her; I wasn’t hurting anyone after all, only cheating myself. Now my life affects more than just me, or at least, in the future I hope it will.

If Roxi and Ricky can be so brave, surely I can be too, especially years after the fact. I need to truly open up to Jenni and see if she thinks it’s a bat-shit-crazy idea for me to get involved with someone. It will be difficult to bring it all back up, but Roxi and Ricky are worth it.

“You’re very quiet over there, very serious all of a sudden,” Jenni speculates. “Stop thinking about whatever’s on your mind and just say it, let it pour out of you. I can help you work through it afterwards, that’s what I’m here for.”

I twist my hands together on my lap and take a deep breath, centring my scattered emotions, then tell her everything. She stops me occasionally to question how different aspects of my life make me feel, but mostly just lets me talk it out.

The burden I’ve been carrying around lifts a little, it’s as though I never realised how heavy it was, how badly it was suffocating me. The weight was crushing me so severely; there was no room to think of anything else. My past has been an obsession that prevents me from living in the present. I sense some of that old, used space leaving now, making a gap for new experiences, and I feel elated.

When I’m done, Jenni asks, “Do you think you’re replacing your mother with Roxi? Trying to fix for her what you couldn’t with your mum? You’ve stopped the cutting, the pot and the alcohol, but is Roxi your new drug?”

I definitely don’t see her as my mother, not with all the things we’ve done together, I shudder at the comparison. I most certainly wouldn’t behave
that way
with my mother.

In the beginning, I may have gone about everything for the wrong reasons, but since meeting Roxi, I’ve slowly started seeing everything in a new light. I can’t fix her. She needs to work it out on her own. You can’t help someone who isn’t ready to be helped. My mother had plenty of opportunities to escape, she was just too frightened to take them, we couldn’t force her, and that’s not my fault. I have nothing to make up for, I wasn’t responsible for the abuse.

Roxi is changing her life all on her own; I merely offered her and her son a place to stay, but she got there herself. People may think she’s weak after how she allowed her husband to treat her, but people don’t know the half of it. They weren’t there; they don’t know what they would’ve done in the same situation. She’s courageous and strong, she doesn’t need me, but I’m honoured to be there to witness her progress, she’s inspiring.

It scares the shit out of me just how deep my admiration for her runs. Ever since the tragedy that changed my life, I’ve never allowed anyone to affect me so much. I attempt to lighten the mood, to alleviate the pressure of my realization. “Why do therapists always ask questions and never give answers? I pay you a lot of money, why don’t you tell me what you think?” I joke.

“Only you have the solutions Luke, I can’t give them to you. I’m merely here to help direct your thoughts where they need to go.”

I see the logic in that. My head is a whirlwind of emotions, maybe it will be easier to concentrate on what really matters, just forget all the trivial stuff.

“You may also want to reflect on why you’re a firefighter. Do you do it because you’re passionate about it; or every time that you run into a burning building, do you view it as saving your family? Live your life the way you want to, and not how you think you should.” She pauses, allowing me time to process her words, I don’t need it though. Being part of the fire crew brings me a sense of fulfilment. They’re like my family. What we do day in and day out causes a great deal of satisfaction. Yeah, I want to make up for my mistake, but it’s not the only reason I do it. Leaving that job is not an option. It’s a part of who I am.

I nod my head and she continues, “Forget everything you thought you knew, all the things you were certain you needed to do with your time, and concentrate on what brings you the most inner peace. Be honest with yourself Luke, what do you really want out of life?”

Her questions don’t bring doubt, they bring clarity and solace. If I focus on what’s important, hopefully everything else will fall into place.

A
s I walk into the lounge room, Roxi is pacing back and forth, right hand kneading her forehead, clearly trying to ease the tension throughout her body. Her left hand holds her phone to her ear. “Rachel it’s fine, really. I’m sure they’ll be able to give me a different interview time. It might even be a sign that this isn’t the right job for me. Please don’t feel bad about it.”

At this point, I’m not even sure she’s aware that I’ve entered the room. Contrary to what she’s saying to Rachel, she is obviously not fine, but somewhat troubled.

“Okay, I’ll let you know how it goes.” She pauses, listening to whatever is being said on the other end. “Love you too, Rach, bye.” Roxi slumps down onto the kitchen stool and drops her head in her hands appearing deflated. With closed eyes, she takes calming breaths. I can tell she doesn’t want to break down in front Ricky, who’s sitting on the couch reading a book.

I walk over and rub reassuring circles on her back. “Is there anything I can do to help,” I whisper, so that Ricky doesn’t hear.

Sighing, she peers over her shoulder at me.“I managed to get my first job interview for tomorrow...”

Why is there so much sorrow in her eyes?
“That’s fantastic,” I encourage.

Her face falls. “Except it’s after school hours and Rachel can’t babysit.” She turns away again, elbows on the bench and fingers massaging her temples. “I’m sure they’ll change it to another time. Everything will be fine.” Only she doesn’t sound convinced.

“You know Roxi; I’m quite capable and more than willing to hang out with Ricky for a few hours while you go to your interview. All you have to do is ask.”

Hope lights up in her eyes, causing a surge of satisfaction in me.

“You’d do that?” she asks.

“Of course I would. I practically ran into a burning building to rescue you, I’m sure I can handle spending an hour or so with Ricky. We can watch TV or something for a little while, maybe kick the footie.” I’m not even offering as a favour, I genuinely want to spend time with him, he’s a great kid. Every time I see him smile, it makes me smile too.

“As long as it’s Titan’s football,” she laughs, looking far less stressed than a few moments ago.

“Sorry, I only have a Bronco’s ball,” I smirk.

“Thanks Luke, I really appreciate it.”

“My pleasure, I’m glad I can help. So what’s the job interview for?”

“Just a waitressing position at a café,” she shakes her head and tries to brush it off. “I’m not really qualified in anything.”

I spin the stool she’s sitting on to face me, “I’ve told you before Roxi, don’t give anyone the power to make you feel less about yourself. Just because it’s only serving cake and coffee doesn’t mean it’s not admirable, that you’re not admirable. Starting all over again, building a new life one step at a time, takes guts, but you can do it. You are doing it.” It pisses me off her asshole ex still influences the way she views herself. Just because she’s not a rocket scientist, doesn’t mean she doesn’t amount to anything.

She looks down, avoiding my gaze. “I don’t even know who I am any more, somewhere along the way I lost myself. All I know how to be is a housewife and a mum. I want a purpose in life other than that, I’m just not sure what it should be.”

I think about what the therapist told me -
‘What are you most passionate about? You’ve only got one chance at life, do what you love, go for it and don’t hold back.’

“What makes you happy, Roxi?” I ask.

She looks perplexed, I wish I had all the answers for her, but I see what Jenni has been trying to convey to me now. I can’t tell Roxi what she should do with her life. She’s the only one who knows what’s right for her.