Decoded (31 page)

Do you know her?

Do you hope it is someone you know, or not?

Did she volunteer, or was she talked into doing this kind of job? Will she come to see me in the hospital tomorrow?

Christ! This really gives one a headache!

39

The devil continues to bear and raise children because it wants to eat them all.

40

The doctor told me that my stomach is still bleeding a bit. He felt it odd that he had administered such excellent medicine and yet still had not seen the hoped-for results. I told him the reason for that: since I was in my teens I have been taking stomach medicines as if they were meals: I’ve simply consumed too much medicine; I’ve become numb to its effect. He decided to administer something new. I told him that it didn’t matter as there were no new medicines that I hadn’t already tried; the crux of the matter was the dosage needed to be increased. He told me that that was too risky, he didn’t dare do it. From my point of view, I had better prepare myself to remain here a little while longer.

41

That loathsome pet!

42

She’s come.

They always rush forward bravely, ready to suffer at your side.

43

When she is here, the hospital room feels practically thronged with people.

When she leaves, looking at her back, you almost forget that she is a woman.

She needed seven cakes in order to relieve her hunger.*

* This most likely comes from the Bible, but I cannot be sure of where.

She’s not very good at concealing things – what a terrible cipher she would make! You couldn’t help but feel that whilst in front of people she was not unlike you and in need of greater composure. As this is the case, why does she put herself through this? You have to realize, this is just the beginning. This has determined that every day you have to spend your time feeling bewildered and helpless; anyway, I knew that he wouldn’t sympathize with someone who had taken the wrong path.

45

Trying to help me with my train of thought is a type of sickness, only bed rest can help me to fully recover.

46

Thinking too much is also a disease.

47

Blue sky, white clouds, treetops, a breeze, something swaying, a window, a bird swooping past, like a dream . . . a new day, wind just like time, water just like life . . . some memories, some sighs, some confusion, some unforgettable events, some contingencies, something laughable . . . you see two points: the first is space, the second is time, or perhaps you could say, the first is the day, the second is night . . .

48

The doctor has told me that dreaming ruins your health, it is a sickness.

49

She brought me a carton of Daqianmen cigarettes, Guoguang brand blue ink, Junshan Yellow tea, a metronome, soothing balm, a radio, a feather fan, and a copy of
Romance of the Three Kingdoms
. It seems as though she were studying me . . . but she is wrong, I wouldn’t listen to a radio. My soul is my radio, every day it whispers to me non-stop, just like my metronome, the vibration caused by footsteps can cause it to swing back and forth for ever so long.

Your soul is hoisted up in mid-air, just like a pendulum. It was in a dream that he first saw himself smoking and then afterwards he started to smoke.

51

Smoking Daqianmen cigarettes was a habit cultivated my Miss Jiang.* She was from Shanghai. One time, after she returned from a visit home, she brought these cigarettes back with her. She said they were good and that she was going to have her family send her a carton every month. He liked to hear her speak Shanghainese, it sounds like the chirping of a bird, melodious, sharp and clear, complex; you could imagine her tongue being pointed and thin. It seemed as though he fancied her, but there wasn’t time to find out. Her problem was that when she walked there was too much noise, too much racket. Later it was as though she had horseshoes nailed to the soles of her feet, it was simply more than he could bear. In actual fact, this wasn’t a noise problem; rather it implied that his soul could at any moment float away – whilst floating it is common to grasp firmly the corner of one’s clothes, and then fall from up in the air.

* Miss Jiang was his first female personal security guard.

52

If he had a choice between day and night, he would choose night.

If he had a choice between a mountain and a river, he would choose the mountain.

If he had a choice between a flower and grass, he would choose grass.

If he had a choice between a man and a ghost, he would choose the ghost.

If he had a choice between a living man and a dead man, he would choose a dead man.

If he had a choice between being blind and being deaf, he would choose deafness.

To sum up, he despised noise and anything that made it.

This is also a kind of illness, like colour blindness, there is either a greater or lesser natural disposition to suffer from it.

A sorcerer unable to reach his goal . . .

54

What a terribly sinister-looking thing!

She said it was a chiton;* in folk legends they’re said to come from the unnatural mating of a toad and a snake,† and they are peculiarly effective in treating stomach ailments. This I believe: one reason being they are used as a folk remedy to treat incurable diseases; the second being that my stomach ailment is just like this sinister-looking animal, and perhaps I can only rely on such a sinister and frightening thing to bring it under control. Supposedly, she spent an entire day trekking through the mountains to collect them, which must have been very difficult for her. Until the day breaks and the shadows flee away, I will get me to the mountain of myrrh and to the hill of frankincense.‡

* Chitons are marine molluscs: they survive between mountains and rocks and are a sort of soft-shelled turtle. Compared to other molluscs their exterior skin is much coarser and frightening. They are extremely rare and have a multitude of medicinal properties.

† But in fact they do not; they are a type of soft-shelled turtle

.
‡ Taken from the Song of Solomon 4: 6.

55

The forest seems to be breathing under the moonlight, then it shrinks back, forming a thick mass, it becomes small, the treetops stand erect, then in a moment it unfolds, following the hillside, spreading out with it, becoming short, low brush, so much so that it becomes hazy, a far-off image . . . §

§ Source unknown.

56

I suddenly felt that my stomach was empty, at peace, as if it weren’t there – I haven’t felt this way for many years! For so long now I have felt that my stomach was a septic tank, permeated with a burning, evil smell; now it seemed as though it had sprung a leak, it had deflated, gone soft, loosened up. It is said that you need twenty-four hours before you feel the effects of Chinese medicine, but only a few hours have passed, it is simply unbelievable!

Might this be a miracle cure?

57

It was the first time I saw her laugh.

It was an incredibly restrained laugh, very unnatural, absolutely silent and very short, over in an instant, like someone laughing in a painting.

Her laugh proved that she doesn’t like to laugh.

Does she really dislike laughing? Or . . .

58

He abided by an old fisherman’s proverb to handle his affairs, the primary meaning of the proverb was: the flesh of an intelligent fish is much firmer than the flesh of a stupid fish and yet they are destructive, because a stupid fish is indiscriminate about what it eats, whereas an intelligent fish chooses to eat the stupid fish . . .

59

In what seemed to be an effort to continue to provide me with treatment, the lead physician gave me a list of food to eat: hot porridge, steamed buns, soft bean curd in sauce. He made clear that this was all that I should eat, and no one was to alter the ingredients or the amounts. However, according to my experience, at this time I should eat noodles and they should be a little undercooked.

60

Our lives are full of ideas that we have created for ourselves, these are much more real than genuine ideas that have stood the test of time.

This is because our mistaken ideas appear before us, familiar and powerful.

When it comes to ciphers, you are the doctor, they are the patients.

61

You take them along the same road. The road you walk may lead to heaven but it will take them to hell. The things you have achieved are indeed fewer than those you have destroyed . . .

Good fortune and calamity rely upon each other, good can come from bad, bad can come from good.

63

Like a clock, she always arrives on time; she is equally punctual about leaving. She appears with no sound, she leaves in silence.

Is she doing this because she understands you, wishes to pander to you, or was she always like this?

I thought . . . I don’t know . . .

64

Unexpectedly you hope that she won’t come today, but actually you worry that she won’t.

65

She works more than she speaks and everything she does is done in silence, just like that metronome. But working in this way has allowed her to quietly establish authority over you.

Her silence could be smelted into gold.

66

For God is in heaven, and thou upon earth: therefore let thy words be few. For a dream cometh through the multitude of business; and a fool’s voice is known by multitude of words . . . For in the multitude of dreams and many words there are also diverse vanities.*

* Taken from Ecclesiastes 5.

67

Has she read the Bible?

68

She is an orphan!

She’s been more unfortunate than you!

She’s been reared on the food of the masses!

She is a genuine orphan!

An orphan – a word you are most sensitive about!

The answer to the riddle is suddenly clear.

She is an orphan, that’s the answer.

What is an orphan? An orphan has its upper and lower teeth, but

its tongue is incomplete. An orphan always uses its gaze to speak. An orphan is born of the earth (everyone else is born of water). An orphan’s heart is forever scarred . . .

70

Tell her, you are also an orphan . . . no, why tell her? Do you hope to draw nearer to her? Why do you want to be nearer her? Is it because she is an orphan? Or is it because . . . because . . . how is it that you suddenly have so many problems? Problems are the shadows of what one desires . . . geniuses and fools have no problems, they only have demands.

71

Hesitation is also a form of power, but it is an ordinary person’s power.

Ordinary people like to complicate things, those who create ciphers have the ability to see this, but those who crack ciphers don’t.

72

She stayed an extra thirty minutes today because she was reading to me about Pavel Korchagin, the main character in
How the Steel Was Tempered
. She said this was her favourite book. She carried it with her wherever she went and whenever she had free time, she would pull it out to read. Today I scanned through it. She asked if I had read it and I answer that I hadn’t, she then asked if she could read it to me. She speaks very good Mandarin. She told me that she had worked as a phone operator at Headquarters. Several years ago she actually had heard my voice over the phone . . .

73

The difference lies here, some people prepare for any eventuality while others do not; one should never criticize oneself for this.

74

In his dreams, he saw himself wading waist-deep in a river whilst reading a book. The book contained no words . . . then the water began to surge and swirl, he put the book on his head to prevent it from getting wet. Once the surging water passed, he realized that the water had taken his clothes with it. He was naked in the river . . .

75

In this world, every person’s dream has already been dreamt by everyone else!

76/77

He dreamt two dreams simultaneously, one was above, one was below . . . *

. . . What he experienced in his dream made him waken weary and exhausted, it seemed as though his dream had boiled him down to the dregs

* This page was filled, but the subsequent page has no header: I suspect that some sections have been removed.
.

78

A terrible fall can wreck even the greatest triumph. But that’s not for certain.

79

You’re thinking about things you would never have imagined that you might think about.

80

There is only one method to get rid of you: to look at you with one’s own eyes.

81

Listen . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . one . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . you . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . eyes . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . most . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . on . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . you . . . †

Two types of sickness: the former causes mostly pain, the latter makes one dream. The former can be treated with medicine, the latter, too. But the medicine is in one’s dreams. One can recover quickly from the former illness, the latter burns you up.

† Whatever he wrote here he erased; it was only possible to make out a few words.

83

Dreams! Wake up, wake up!

Dreams! Don’t wake up!

84/85

Listen, this time he won’t write something and then erase it, he . . . * . . . As the lily among thorns, as the apple tree among the trees of the wood!†