Deep in the Heart of Me (4 page)

I'm looking for the right time is all. I know the girls are home from school even though Ebbie hasn't shown and he's supposed to muck stalls. Those canaries will be singing to Mom and Granma. The whole school is already talking about it. That's how it goes. Two big boys walking out. And we're Clannans.

Joseph keeps following me, all through chores. He's waiting. I'm getting buggered with him again. Over the summer, he turned more to Ebbie and less to me. I wanted that, some time to myself. But just because he stood for me he thinks it's like it was and it's not. I want to be by myself. Ebbie is the one with a twin, not me.

So I'm trying to feed, and he's right there. "Get back," I say.

"I need to get some," he says, his bucket empty as he waits for me to get oats from the bin.

"You're breathing on me," I say.

"I'm not," he says. "You say that…and I'm not."

I fill my bucket and make a noise in the back of my throat.

"Tonio," Dad calls from the front of the barn.

I lift my head, look briefly at my brother, shove my bucket against him and he takes it. "Finish," I say, meaning he's not to follow. I told him I'll do the explaining and I will.

"Joseph," Dad calls right after.

I hear Joseph dump the feed and set the buckets on the hard earth. I wipe my hands on my overalls and lift my cap to smooth my hair. After leaving school, we'd bypassed the house and gone straight to the barn, and we wanted to have everything finished before Dad got back from helping at Buchholtz's place.

He waits for me, my father does. "There are people here," he says when I get closer. "Sheriff, teacher. The sheriff's daughter."

Sobe?

"We didn't do anything. We just quit school," I say.

"You quit," Dad repeats.

"School."

"Why?"

"Miss Charlotte gave me a punishment for reading a note. Then she asked me about injustice, and I said there was some around here and before I said the wrong thing…about the punishment…I spoke on the co-op." Then I think of the picture. The naked lady. Is that what this is about?

"What did you say?"

"I just said we should run it…like a business. I said…they should care about it."

He is staring at me. "Am I about to be made as small as a mouse's diddy?"

"No, Sir. I just walked out. They followed. I sent Ebbie back inside."

"Did you do it arsewards?"

"No, Sir. Just…I ah…I said the note was from Joseph. I lied."

He moves his boot like he's stealing himself for a punch. "You lied."

"Yes. I…I was protecting…," I nod toward the house.

"Your mother?"

"No. No sir."

His brows go up, and he looks there and Sobe waves a little. "Oh," Dad says.

You couldn't go to jail for looking at a picture. But what if Miss Charlotte found it after we left—the picture of the lady. What if they were rounding us up to get at it?

Do they think I brought it to school?

If that's why they are here, Sobe will know. She'll know I looked.

"Come on then, Romeo," Dad says. "And to think I bought Ollie's finest whiskey for everyone in that joint the day you were born."

We're already walking toward the house. I see them there on the porch. My mother would have asked them inside.

Normally. I don't know what this is, but my sisters are in the window looking like a stack of pumpkins.

Sobe is the one who stands out, she stands apart, not on the porch but on the stairs leading to it. She comes down a couple of steps. I think she's going to cross the yard to me. But she looks back. I think her father stopped her.

"If you've something more to tell me…," Dad says as we walk. Dad always walks quickly. Truth is I have to work to keep up most times.

"There's nothing," I say, and my stomach rolls over. "You know how Miss Charlotte doesn't like us coming in late."

Dad stops. "Does it make you a better man to quit school over it?"

Why is it always that? Why is everything supposed to make me a better man? "Yes," I say. I don't know why I say it, but everything that happened today helps me be a better man. So yes. "You were right about school. I can do more here. You need me here. You said it yourself. And…Joseph too. There are the wheat and the butchering. We don't want to go."

Speak of the devil, Joseph catches up to us then.

"What do you say on this boyo?" Dad says. Boyo is either much love or like now—not so much.

Joseph looks at me and shrugs. He'd rather say nothing than get it wrong.

"Like I thought," Dad says, and he takes off again.

So we hurry in his wake.

"Our story?" Joseph says from the side of his mouth.

I don't answer. I don't have 'a story.'

So we reach the porch. "Here are my sons," Dad says. Right off he claims us. He's always done that. Most times it feels good, but sometimes it's a burden. Right now I'm not sure. I can't get over the sight of Sobe standing on our porch stairs.

She comes all the way down and walks right to my father.

"Hello, Mr. Clannan. I'm Sobe," she says extending her hand and Dad takes it by the fingers and shakes.

"Miss Sobe," Dad says.

I am looking at her. She is something. More beautiful than earlier even. There's a rose in each cheek, and her lips are red like the songs…it's in songs.

Dad introduces us to the sheriff, and I snatch off my cap because I'm not sure I should or shouldn't cause we're not indoors, and no one has died. And the sheriff comes down the stairs like his daughter has and I step forward and shake his hand.

"Oh," he says, "a working man."

He shakes Joseph's and says the same.

"Yes," Dad says, "holding a fork mostly." Dad's mother was French and his father Irish, and sometimes he's more one than the other.

His favorite joke is about our appetites—how we eat him out of house and home. It's why he farms so we can graze.

Things like that.

But Sobe is not smiling.

Mom repeats we should all go into the house and sit. That means Granma has been running around the parlor pulling sheets off of furniture and spraying perfume.

"Nah," Sheriff says, "I know there're chores before sundown. We'll make this brief."

Sobe repositions herself to stand beside me. I look at Mom right away, I don't know why. Mom is looking at me, too. It's the face she has when stitching a wound.

"This whole thing is my fault," Sobe begins.

So this isn't about the naked lady.

"I have a very distraught daughter," Sheriff says.

"I've explained to Miss Charlotte…," Sobe says.

"It is always difficult when the boys come back. Not just yours but all of them…," Miss Charlotte is saying as she stands next to Mom on the porch. She is saying this mostly to Dad, I think. He's on the school board, and he often says, Miss Charlotte tends to forget she is teaching in a farming community and not just the town of Murphydale.

"My boys do not disrespect," Mom says, as much to 'her boys,' as anyone. She folds her arms and sets her lips in the look she usually just gives Dad when he, "Gives away our last dime," or something.

"I passed a note, and Antonio got in trouble for reading it. I deserve the punishment. It got out of hand," Sobe says. Then to me, "You will come back to school, won't you Antonio?"

Her beautiful eyes are pleading. I can barely breathe.

And she does not ask Joseph.

Then she does, and I feel disappointed.

"And this one?" Dad says pointing at my brother.

"I…said the note was from Joseph. He…went along," I say.

"That is lying Antonio!" Mom says wagging her finger. "And now your brother is in trouble." To him, Mom says, "And you lied too!"

"Yes, Ma'am," Joseph says. He always gives in to her immediately.

Then back to me, "And it's your fault. You are the oldest!"

I do not wish to be scolded in front of Sobe. So I just take it like a boyo.

"What was the punishment?" Dad asks.

Miss Charlotte clears her throat. "Five hundred sentences. For each."

Mom says something in Italian. She does not care for Miss Charlotte, but she does care for schooling.

Dad has his hands on his hips, and he's staring off biting the inside of his cheek. "They've barely time for the books with the work as it is. They understand hard work and the results it brings," he says. "You're asking them to put their time into something that means…nothing, you'll pardon my saying. So how about they paint the schoolhouse? It's been needing a good coat of whitewash."

I am looking at my dad like he's Solomon. I'd much rather do that than write those sentences. But since I'm not going back I don't have to do anything so why is he signing me up?

"Antonio, you will come back to school, won't you?" Sobe says, her hand on my arm. She is touching me.

I swallow. "I um…Dad needs me…."

"They will be back," Dad says. "And they'll give no more trouble, Miss Charlotte. They are good boys."

I look at him, at Dad. But just for a second because Sobe takes her hand from my arm and I look at her again. Then Mom, then her dad, then her.

"I'm so glad," she says softly. Then she tells my folks it was nice to meet them, and she heads for the car and the others start to follow.

That's it? She doesn't even say good-bye?

"You've something to say to Miss Charlotte," Dad says with a solid nudge.

I clear my throat. "Forgive me, Miss Charlotte." We are taught to ask for forgiveness over saying 'I'm sorry.' Mom says that gives the person offended a say instead of just hearing how sorry you are. They need to make a choice to forgive the offense. Or not.

Of course, we are not allowed to not forgive. If you say it, 'I don't forgive you,' it just invites another conversation where Mom talks until your ears bleed and you'll sign the paper and forgive your own murder if she'll just drop it.

"Sorry is as sorry does, young man," Miss Charlotte says.

Mom is talking Italian again.

"Does Sobe still have to write the sentences?" I ask.

Miss Charlotte smiles, but it's that pretend smile she does when she'd more like to slap your face. "That is between Miss Sobe and myself. I will say she has a contrite spirit about her disobedience. Perhaps it will rub off."

"Well, could she help us paint?" I say.

"She could not," Miss Charlotte snaps. She heads to the car then.

Joseph chases after her and asks for forgiveness.

"Yes, Mr. Clannan. But not a repeat?"

"Yes Ma'am," Joseph mumbles.

"In this house, Antonio," Mom says. "In this house."

Dad is already headed for the barn. Joseph is waiting for her to order him in too, but she is already half-way in the door so he claps me on the back and hurries after Dad.

I look at the sheriff's car as it makes a u-turn in the yard. Sobe is watching me from the back window, and she waves.

I almost lift my hand then it finds its way into my pocket, and the first thing I touch is that orange peel.

"Antonio!" Mom screams.

I go in then.

The girls are looking at me like I've just broken out of jail. "What got into youse?" I say to them, but no one speaks they just glare, and I follow Mom through the kitchen into the back room. Ebbie sits there like a prisoner who's being drilled for valuable information. He looks up at me, and I can see at some point he's been crying. God sakes.

Mom closes the door and turns on me. "My daughters come home and tell me a vile thing. Your brother was overheard bragging about looking at despicable things."

I close my eyes for a minute. Then I look at her again. I can feel the blood burning through my face.

"Mom it's over. It won't happen again." I might have water in my eyes.

"Antonio," she says, "the sheriff comes and the teacher! And a girl! What am I to think?"

She was thinking same as me. She was thinking her sons were about to be arrested for being perverted.

I look at Ebbie. He is holding his face in his hands. The picture must have really gotten to him. He can't look at Mom, and he won't look at me.

"You are supposed to watch over your brothers," she says. "And your sisters tell me this! Who brought such a thing to school?"

Obviously, the girls aren't telling. Maybe they don't know, but that's doubtful. Ebbie won't tell.

"Maman," I say this because it's what Dad calls her and so there are times we do too. "It's not your sons. Ebbie is only ten. It's the first day back for some of us. I will be there to watch…."

She takes me by the ear. "You quit school after I've put my foot down? You will go to school Mister Big Britches! Long as you can, you will learn!"