Deep Night (21 page)

“Well…yes…that's what it looks like…”

She shifted her gaze to avoid the hurt in his eyes. “I came into your room because you needed a friend. But I stayed because…I wanted to.”

“But now you don't want to. What did I do wrong?”

“Nothing,” she hurried to assure him, then fell silent for almost a minute. He waited patiently, because he sensed she was gathering her nerve to tell him the truth. She was staring at some far-off point as big tears rolled down her cheeks. She sucked in a lungful of air and let it out in a slow whoosh. “The only other man I've ever had sex with was…my father.”

The words came out in an agonized whisper.

Chris was stunned. He had expected something bad, but not anything that awful. “Oh my God…why?”

She looked up, her blue eyes diluted by a flood of tears. “That's why I've never told anyone. I knew you would think it was my fault.”

“I didn't mean
why did it happen.
I meant why didn't you ever tell me? I would have killed him with my bare hands.”

“You were just a kid. Besides, I couldn't talk about it.”

“When did this happen?”

“You don't really want to know.”

“I really do. I think you've been carrying this inside you for too long.” He leaned toward her. “Please tell me.”

She took another deep, shaky breath. “Remember my tenth birthday party? Everything was so pretty. Mama had worked all day, cleaning the house, baking my cake and decorating it with little plastic horses.” That faraway look had returned to her eyes. “I had gotten a new outfit, and I was so excited. All our friends came, and we played games. I remember you cheated at pin the tail on the donkey.”

“I did not…the blindfold slipped.”

A hint of a smile touched her lips, then quickly faded away. “That night after Mama left for work, I played with my new horses for a while before going to bed. I don't remember if I fell asleep or if I had just gone to bed. But the door opened and my dad walked in. I thought he was going to wish me happy birthday because he had missed my party. Instead, he…”

She nibbled on her lower lip and struggled to go on.

“He touched you?” Chris prompted.

“He raped me.”

“Fuck.”
Chris's hands balled into fists. “Once?”

“He came to my room several times a week until I was thirteen and I found out he had been lying to me.” Her cheeks turned a bright crimson. “He told me he loved me and if I loved him, that was how I should show it. He said all the little girls let their daddies do it, but because I was so special, I shouldn't tell anyone because they would feel bad that their daddy didn't love them as much as mine did.”

Chris could hear the little girl's dilemma in her voice. Children trusted their parents to take care of them and protect them, not lie to them or take advantage of their innocence. It was the ultimate betrayal.

“How did your mother find out?” he asked when she didn't continue.

“I told her, sort of accidentally…well, maybe I really wanted her to know, so it just came out.” Sara roughly wiped the tears away. “She was furious…at me. She accused me of seducing him. Shit, I was a skinny ten-year-old. What did I know about seduction?” She shook her head. “But I knew a lot about having sex.”

“That wasn't sex. It was just an animal act by a sick fuck.” Chris jumped to his feet, unable to sit still after hearing about her abuse. “Have you talked to a therapist? Or to Julie?”

Her eyes widened in horror. “No, I couldn't. I'm so ashamed. What if my mother was right, and I somehow caused my father to think I wanted it?”

“Oh, Sara, no ten-year-old wants to be raped…especially by their father. It wasn't your fault. And shame on your mother for making you feel guilty.” He paced angrily around the room. “Now I know why you don't want to talk to your father. I hope he comes back when I'm around. I'll make sure he knows that he made a big mistake.”

“He never really touched me…just the sex. In and out and it was over. It was always dark and I never saw him or touched him. That would have made it so much worse.”

Chris knelt down on the floor in front of her and took her hands in his. “I can't imagine what you've been through. What he did was wrong. He took away your innocence, your childhood and, to a certain degree, your life. I wish you had told me about it, but you're right. I probably would have done something really stupid. But now I know, and I'm here for you.”

Her expression was profoundly sad. “There's nothing you can do. I'm damaged. You'll never respect me now that you know.”

He squeezed her hands. “I think you're brave and strong to have made it through all that by yourself. I'm just sorry I wasn't there for you. But I'm back, and I'm not going anywhere. I think I've always been a little bit in love with you. And grown-up Sara is a lot more fascinating than little-girl Sara.”

For just a second, hope burned in her eyes, then it flickered out. “You deserve more than I can give. I don't think I can be fixed.”

“Let me try. You've trusted me all these years. Give me a chance to show you that you deserve to be loved and taken care of.”

She looked down at her hands in his. Slowly she tightened her fingers until she was returning his grip. “I want to. I really do.”

He leaned closer. “Trust me,” he whispered. “I promise I'll never hurt you.” His lips barely touched hers, gently…softly. Then he stood and pulled her up with him. “We're going to make new memories.” He led her to her bedroom. Her feet slowed as they approached the door. “Come on,” he encouraged, and she followed. He pulled back the covers, climbed into bed and patted the space next to him.

“I'm not sure I…”

“We're just going to get some sleep. Your bed can be a safe place.” Again, he patted the sheet.

Not quite sure she wanted to go through with it, she got into bed and turned her back toward him.

“Don't forget to turn on your waves,” he reminded her.

She stretched her arm out and turned on the sound machine, and the sound of surf crashing on the shore filled the room. Sara lay back down, but she was as stiff as a corpse.

Chris snuggled against her in a comfortable spoon-style. “Good night, Sara. Sleep well.” He dropped a kiss on her shoulder, then snuggled into his pillow and promptly fell asleep.

This wasn't the first time they had slept together, but that hadn't counted, because she had been in shock. This time she was wide awake and sober as a judge…and very aware of the man behind her. She waited for him to touch her, to force himself inside her. Instead she felt his lips lightly brush her bare shoulder. Then, with his arm possessively around her waist, she heard him snore.

It was just a soft whistle of air that she probably wouldn't have noticed if his mouth hadn't been so close to her ear. It startled her at first; then, as his warmth started seeping into her and his gentle snoring became a soothing rhythm, her body began to relax. Even her mother hadn't hugged her again after that awful day when her father left.

Chris was big and solid and strong. She felt small and protected with him here. And, she had to admit, it felt good. She had never felt safer. If her father walked into the room right now, she had no doubt that Chris would beat the crap out of him.

She sighed. Not a sad or fearful sigh, but one of contentment and happiness as she closed her eyes.

When she awoke, he was gone. His body shape was still visible in the wrinkle of the sheets and the indentation in the pillow. The masculine scent of his soap lingered, but his warmth was gone. She ran her hand over the place where his head had so recently been, and she realized that she missed him.

The door to her bedroom eased open and Riley bounded in, followed by Chris carrying a pizza and two bottles of beer.

“Wake up, sleepyhead.” He plopped on the bed beside her and put the box between them.

Sara wiped the sleep out of her eyes and sat up. “Pizza in bed. Is this part of your plan?”

“Nope. Just hungry, and I figured you would be, too.” He put a piece on a paper plate and handed it and a napkin to her.

She glanced at the clock and saw it was after six in the evening. “How long have you been gone?” she asked as she took the pizza. It looked delicious, and she realized she
was
hungry.

“I had my final exam today.” His lips curved into a playful smile. “Although it was really hard for me to force myself to get out of this bed. You were sleeping like a rock.”

“I guess I was. I didn't even hear you go.”

He leveled a serious look at her. “But I came back.” Then the sparkle returned to his eyes. “With food. What more could you ask for?”

Sara took another big bite and smiled. “I can't think of a thing.”

“I can think of a couple, but you're not ready for that level of lesson.”

“Oh, so this is all part of a master plan?”

“Remember when my dad adopted a wild mustang? That colt had never felt a human hand, much less had a saddle on his back.”

She nodded. “Yeah, a flashy pinto that could run like the wind.”

Chris wiped a spot of sauce off her chin with his napkin, then continued. “That's him. I spent all summer with him, just sitting in the pasture while he grazed.”

“I used to see you out there for hours.”

“I must have read ten books. Gradually, he got used to me being there and started wandering closer and closer until one day, he stretched his neck out as far as he could reach and sniffed my cheek. Next, he ate some feed out of a bucket while I was holding it, then out of my hand. Eventually, he let me touch him, then pet him and groom him and finally, by the end of the summer, I was able to saddle him up and ride him.”

Sara took a drink of water and absorbed the story. “So, you're waiting for me to sniff your cheek?”

He laughed out loud. “You got it, babe. I'll sit in your pasture all summer.”

She didn't doubt it for a moment. Her heart did an odd little flip at the prospect. She understood that little horse's fear. He'd never had a good experience with people, but one boy's patience changed his mind. It occurred to her that she might be just another summer project.

“What happened to that horse?” she asked.

“My dad sold him when I went to college. He needed more attention and exercise than my parents could give him.” Chris put his plate on top of hers inside the box and closed it. “When I joined the Navy, I planned on being a lifer, so they didn't know when I'd be back.”

She hadn't known that. “Why did you leave? The military, I mean. Didn't you like it?”

“I loved it. It was tough, especially when we were overseas. But I believe in America and keeping our people safe from terrorists and crazies. I think everyone should have to spend a couple of years in some sort of service, even if it's here in the States. It gives you a whole new outlook on teamwork, discipline and people who are different than the ones you left behind. I liked feeling I was making a difference.”

“Then why…?”

“Promise you won't tell my parents or my brothers?”

She thought he was joking, but his expression told her he was very serious. “I promise.”

He stretched out his leg and pulled up the bottom of his running shorts to reveal a ragged scar and a gouge out of the flesh on the inside of his right leg.

She was shocked, not only at the severity of the wound but by the fact that she hadn't noticed it. Although, because of its location, it would have been difficult to see unless she had focused on his groin…which she had studiously avoided. Even the time they made love after Miller's death, the room had been dark, and she just hadn't noticed.

“Oh my God, Chris! That's so close to your femoral artery.”

“A quarter of an inch to the right and I would have bled out in less than a minute. But I was lucky. I just lost a hunk of meat and muscle. It got me a fast trip home and an honorable discharge.”

“Your parents don't know? How could they not find out?”

“I didn't tell them. As far as they know, the three months in Walter Reed Hospital and six weeks here were spent in Afghanistan.”

“Why didn't you tell them?”

“I've seen how it bothers my mom that my brothers are constantly in danger. She wasn't too happy I enlisted, so I didn't want her to worry more. At the time, I didn't know they were going to give me a medical discharge. I thought I was going to go back as soon as I was on my feet.”

Tentatively, she ran her fingers along the line of the scar. Even if she weren't so experienced with medical issues, she would have realized how close he had come to dying. Maybe that was why he had such a positive outlook on life.

He grabbed her hand. “You'd better stop now or the horse is going to come out of the barn.”

“What if I said I was okay with that?”

“I'd say you're feeling sorry for me, and that's not cool,” he answered gruffly.

At the moment, that was the last thing she was feeling. The fact that he trusted her enough to tell her secrets no one else knew bonded them in a very special way. It made her want even more intimacy with him.

“And I'd say that I'm ready for the next lesson.” Slowly, she got up on her knees, leaned forward and kissed his cheek.

His nostrils flared as he tried to accurately interpret her signals. “I don't want to rush you.”

“Then go slow.”

He pushed the pizza box to the floor, much to the delight of Riley, who had been lying near the door. Sara was still on all fours, and he pulled her forward until she was lying on the bed, then stretched out next to her. With his index finger, he lightly traced around all the features of her face, over her eyes, carefully avoiding her wound, down her cheekbone, along her jawline, then up the other side, down her nose and then circling her lips. His touch was soft and sensuous, instantly bringing all her nerve endings screaming to life.

Why didn't he kiss her? He seemed intent on torturing her as his hand moved down her neck and along her shoulder blades and arm before moving to tease her hardened nipples, which were pressing against her T-shirt. He circled them, one at a time, flicking them gently, sending electric jolts streaking through her entire body.

His finger ventured lower, following the slight valley running down the middle of her abdomen, stopping only long enough to push her shirt up enough to reveal her belly before slipping under the waistband of her shorts.