Deeper (The Deeper Chronicles #1) (36 page)

She plunked down onto the seat cushion.

“You’re her only child.” Noah knew another woman whose thoughts were bitter and cold toward the child in her home, yet Ellie was warm, open, and waiting for Avi. He didn’t understand. “From what I’ve—”

“You don’t get it.”

Three years. Three long years of cowering, hiding, and dodging. Three years of becoming giddy at the mere sight of her mother’s handwriting on letters that followed her everywhere, to being physically sick with shame when Avi spied Ellie’s new Florida address.

“Help me get it.”

“What’s there left to share? You seem to know everything. My life ended the day I was pulled over. The local newspapers splashed half-truths about us on the front pages. Neighbors I’d known for years pecked at our lives like fodder, and commented on parts of our existence as if they had a right.”

Her fingers curled into her palms. The nails digging into the soft flesh left a dull ache in comparison to the embarrassment of looking out the window at the reporters stalking her front steps or being followed to the bus station by them.

“Tell me what happened, Avi.”

A tear dripped down into her plate. “Tell you?” She laughed. It wasn’t funny, none of it was, but she couldn’t help the empty, dry sound that left her lips. “I was hounded. If I took a step, the reporters were right there. First time I went to visit my mother, they were there, cameras in my face and lights shining so bright I could hardly see in front of me. They were there when I ran out like a chicken too.” She paused. The following day, the local headline was: Heartbroken Girl Leaves Guilty Mom. “But everyone had it wrong. Mommy wasn’t guilty. She didn’t do shit.” Her hand flew to her lips, willing the curse back into her belly, where the rest of her story should stay just as buried.

Avi beat at her chest. The pangs inside her chest cavity were about to swallow her whole. “Guilt? What the hell does that even mean? Sure, she was the one dealing or whatever. But it was me.” She held up her hands, knowing what others didn’t see that she did. “My fingerprints are all over those packages just as much as hers, if not more.”

Should I tell him?

She felt cold, even dead inside. The hot air leaving her mouth and the distant thumping sound inside her breastplate were reminders that she was still alive. But Avi yearned for the day when death would come, when she could finally be judged for her crimes and be at peace.

She had to get away. She was on the move as soon as the thought entered her consciousness. She didn’t get far. Noah was right there, face looming large and arms caging her, pinning her back to the dining room wall.

“Tell me,” he growled.

Noah’s low words made her lungs constrict. She shook her head. She’d never tell. She couldn’t. Guilt had been her constant companion for so long. If she let go of it now, what would she have?
Nothing.
She had no father—a murderer made sure of that—and because of her stupidity, no mother. Avi was a crap daughter. She knew it. Her mother knew. And God help her, her late father knew. Everyone knew.

Her breathing came out ragged and short. Her lungs worked too hard. Her heart beat too loudly. Avi wanted to fade away, to return to simpler times when names like Harry Manning and Noah Adams meant nothing to her. When it was just her and Ellie.

Just my mom and me.

Tears streaked her cheeks.

Her lips moved on their own. “I’ve worked hard to rebuild my life. Things have only gone as well as they have because I’ve changed.” Controlling her actions, her decisions, and herself were the only ways to keep past mistakes from repeating themselves. The only way Avi could keep herself from falling apart was to not let anyone in.

“It’s the only way,” she said more to herself than Noah.

But now, he wanted to break down all the walls she’d worked so hard to construct.

He gripped her chin, bringing her face up. She saw him searching—for what, she didn’t know. She didn’t plan on saying anything else. Her tongue was tied with her truth, and her lungs wheezed and groaned under the pressure that had been building for more years than she cared to count now.

“What the fuck did you do?”

She almost jumped out of her skin, forgetting his presence entirely. “She’s my mother,” she said through clenched teeth. “I answered your question. Now get the hell out of my way so I can leave this godforsaken place.”

What didn’t he understand? It was already hard watching her father die before her eyes, but to see her mother’s handwriting on letters addressed to Harry, handwriting on letters she’d ignored for three years...

She swallowed down her anguish. Avi covered her mouth, hiding the sound behind her cold, nerveless fingers that did little to quench the fire blazing on her cheeks. At his continued silence, her hand flopped to her side.

“Did you leave her there, Avi?” His fingers dug into her chin, but she welcomed the slight pain. “Did you?”

Her back caved under his censure. Her nails clawed at the concrete behind her, wanting to chisel a hole through it so she could disappear. Instead of the rubble she wanted to feel, her nails kept sliding against the wall’s smoothness, only giving off a grating sound.

“Did you?” he asked, releasing her chin.

She covered her ears, slumping down to the surest place—the floor she’d like to sink beneath. Avi tried her best to wish him away, to make Noah go away, but there he stood, uncompromising and riding her for answers. She focused on his black shoes that gleamed under the lights.

“Yeah.” But it was too low, because she’d never admitted this. The few college friends she had disappeared once she withdrew from Florida State. Her neighbors treated her like a pariah. She faced her tormentor, rocking back and forth. “Yeah. I left her. I abandoned my mother,” she yelled to shut him up.

He was a blurry mess of tears in front of her.

“Why would she want to see me? Huh? When
I
sent her to prison. Me.” She stabbed a finger to her pounding chest. “Me. I did it.”

The truth leapt off her tongue, landing at his feet. Nothing moved. She clutched at her shirt, willing her beating heart to just stop so she could die like she needed to. The truth was out.

Now he knew how evil she was. That calla lily had
nothing
on her.

When he dropped down to a knee, Avi stopped rocking. When one of Noah’s large palms came into her view, she scurried away. Her shoulder blades and the back of her head slammed into the wall.

She winced at the pain, but still tried to dodge his seeking hand.

But he was faster than her. The back of his hand grazed her face before falling away. “Avi.”

The way he whispered her name was like his caresses, comforting and light. The need to escape was real. It prickled her skin. Goose bumps raced on top of her flesh. The tone of his low voice arrested her. Soft, placating, pleading almost. Her heart picked up speed.

She couldn’t look his way.

Her eyes remained hidden from him.

Noah reached for her shoulder, but she flinched away again. She didn’t need his touch, but he
needed
hers. He stood up then took a few steps toward her. When she made no comment or showed no outward movements, he sat down.

Her hair hung like a curtain between them. Noah’s hand moved her shield from the side of her face. Her wet cheek and pursed lips greeted him. His hand dropped from her shoulder to her lap, capturing her small, balled fist. She tugged, but he was stronger—in weight and determination.

He waited for her just as he’d done these last five days, and hell if he understood why. His focus trained on her so he wouldn’t miss anything, not a word, a sigh, or a tear.

Head bowed and back stiff, she didn’t have the guts to face him.

She just knew he’d have the same look of disappointment in his eyes, like her mother had when Avi had lost her scholarship. She knew Noah would wear that same incredulity as Ellie when she’d backed out of the visiting room, where her mother sat behind plexiglass holding a phone, waiting for Avi to come closer.

He had no clue who she really was. Noah had been redeemed, with Harry’s help, and escaped a life of crime and violence. There wasn’t enough penance in the world to atone for her sins.

“Get it out.” His voice hung just above a whisper.

“Noah, please.” Why should she have to say anymore? She was already exposed. Her mother had found her father and told him all about Avi. She just wanted to die. Her guard was slipping, and she couldn’t afford that.

But he was right there, unmoving, and gripping her hand as if she was his lifeline. She lifted her sight from the floor and focused on the buttons of his shirt. Her hand relaxed in his; she sought the strength he represented. She was so tired.

“I-I’m scared.” The words barely made it past her quivering lips.

Letting go of her hand, Noah’s fingers grazed the softness of her cheek. She gasped when he pulled her on top of him. He thumbed the sides of her face. Noah couldn’t get enough of the silky feel of her or the way her warm breath teased his chin. His arms engulfed her, dragging her closer to his upper body.

“Hey.” Noah eased her away to arm’s length when she began to sniff. Such an innocent. “Look at me.”

She shook her head.

“Don’t do that.” He tipped her chin, bringing her gorgeous, tear-streaked face up. “Don’t hide from me.”

“I already hate myself. My mother does too. I-I can’t have you hating me.” Her lids fluttered closed.