Deeper (The Deeper Chronicles #1) (37 page)

That wasn’t what he had read in Ellie’s letters. Hate was being around a drunk who never hid her dislike, who considered Noah a burden to be rid of. The motherly love that leapt off the pages of Ellie’s letters baffled him and pushed him for answers. “No one hates you.” His gaze never wavered from hers.

He swiped away a tear from her cheek.

“No one.”

Another tear rolled down. Her breathing was labored.

Noah nestled her into him. “I’ve got you,” he said above her head.

His words rumbled in his chest; she heard them and became hopeful for a split second until reality told her otherwise. His steady heartbeat did nothing to calm her.

“Noah...”

He didn’t know how awful she was, and when he did...

She tried to hold it in, but her burden was too heavy. Guilt stepped down on her chest, crushing her resolve. She had to get it out.

“It was my dumb fault. I acted like a fool, like my mother didn’t raise me right. She sent me to college to get an education, but all I did was manage to lose my scholarship. I-I messed up, Noah.”

She was still a mess. He rubbed her back, but she didn’t want his sympathy. She didn’t deserve it. Avi pushed out of his embrace, her hands too small to hold in everything, so she settled on holding her midsection. Nothing she did caught the falling pieces of the wall she had erected.

“End of my sophomore year, I was kicked out of school. We didn’t have the money. Heck, we barely had money to cover the bills at our rented home. But somehow, my mom kept the lights on and the water running.” Tears rushed down her face. She couldn’t look at him. She didn’t want to see the disgust in his eyes. “So I should’ve known better. I should’ve remembered her sacrifices. Instead, I went there like I had no goals I wanted to achieve.” She shook her head; even now her immature decisions made her angry.

“I got kicked out. My mother refused to talk to me. I had no way to get myself back to the university, let alone get into any community colleges. That summer, Noah, that summer was the worst. Working at a job I hated. My whole future stared at me. This was it. The possibility of leaving vanished before my eyes. I had no one to blame but myself.” She’d cried daily...yelled out her apologies at Ellie’s closed bedroom door. “But at the end of that summer, my mother walked in with the first semester’s check for me to start my junior year. I was selfish. Too happy to be able to go back to college to ask where she got the money.”

It just never dawned on her to consider the lengths her mother would go to.
“I’ve been working overtime.”
Since 2010, she’d replayed Ellie’s words, and wondered how she had missed the lie. Regret clawed at her insides.

She hung her head. “It’s all my fault. I didn’t know. I went to Florida State a whole year and didn’t know what my mother did to keep me there.” The words strangled her. She shivered from the cold, hard truth. “It all ended in her car. I didn’t know.”

Noah tried to pull her to him, but she backed away.

“I can’t even tell her how sorry I am. I-I can’t look at her. I can’t even write to her. What the heck would I say?”
All I want is to tell her I’m sorry.
And that wouldn’t be good enough.
“The guilt is eating me alive.” She tapped her heart. “That’s why I moved. I-I guess when her letters weren’t delivered, she got my new address from the post office.”

Ellie had been at Lowell Correctional for three years. Her mother wrote, but Avi didn’t have the heart or the guts to read her mother’s words. They had to have been filled with anger and blame. If they weren’t, they should have been.

“She’s all I’ve ever had. Her and me against the world, and I sent her away for a very, very long time,” she whispered.

She couldn’t see her mother caged up like that.

“Tha-that’s what I’ve done. This is the kind of woman I am,” she muttered.

She tried to wiggle free of his hold. Brushing her sweaty hair off her face, he was lost in the darkness of his irises and the self-conviction that thinned her lips and puffed her cheeks.

“I told you I wanted more than one night. This doesn’t change anything.”

Her snort told him she didn’t believe him.

“Look at me. You think I’d let you leave?” He brushed his mouth across hers. Her warmth drew him to her. He wiped her wet cheeks.

She sniffled. “I’ve never told anyone.”

He figured as much.

“Thanks for not judging me.”

A niggling sensation worked its way into his chest. Her guilt-riddled decisions were easily forgivable, while the things he’d done...

“I told you I’ve got you.” More was on the tip of his tongue, but this was all new to him, the feelings she stirred up and his willingness to
want
to stick around.

“Never thought I’d say this out loud, but I-I’m glad I met you,” she said.

Her head felt good in the middle of his chest. “Me too,” he whispered.

They stayed like that for a long time until he heard soft snores. He roused her as quietly as he could, helping them both to their feet, then lifted her into his arms. By the time he lay her on his bed, she was asleep again. He fitted his body behind her. He held her tighter, falling asleep.

Much later, he heard his phone chime with an incoming text message.

“Come out later tonight. Stacey and I are making your ugly ass an uncle.”

He faced the woman who was twisting him up. Noah doubted Avi was ready for his truth, or maybe he wasn’t ready to tell it. She’d leave him just like her father had.

“S
he looks like she’s having a ball,” Cass said.

“They’re all having good time,” Ro said.

“Yeah,” Noah agreed, reaching for his whiskey sour.

In front of them, all the women danced with abandon, circling Stacey, whose happiness was infectious even from where he sat. The women had tried to cajole the men from the upstairs VIP section to the main dance floor. Of course that was not happening, so they were downstairs being watched by well-placed bodyguards. Noah and his friends were in an office in the back of the VIP lounge, watching them on a closed circuit television.

“So, while we’re all here, we have business to attend to,” Cass said.

Ro and Gavin groaned.

“Can’t we have a night off? I mean, in honor of Ro and Stacey becoming parents and all?” Gavin asked.

“Night off when we’re dead, boys,” Noah said, his attention on the screen showing multiple views of the club.

“I’m close to getting a few meetings. A connect is trying to get me in with the Alosis and Fontanas,” Ro said. “You want to be there for that, Noah?”

“Only if you think my presence is necessary. Otherwise, this is your show.”

“Cool,” Ro responded, leaning back in his chair.

“Are we sure we want to cross that bridge?” Cass inquired. “We’ve always said we would keep to ourselves.”

They’d all come to a non-verbalized understanding about the mafia. Throughout the years, Noah and his business reputation had spread, and a lot of people wanted to make money with Accipiere. He’d developed associations, at his comfort level, with a few families. They had made it clear that whenever Noah was ready to advance their relationships, there’d be a place for him at the table. His words to Harry came back to him:
no one was a saint in this thing
.

“I’m hearing through the grapevines they’re both buying up semi-automatics, machine guns, the whole works.” Ro’s statement ended Noah’s musings. “Something must be coming down the pike.”

“A war?” Gavin asked, glancing up from his cell.

“Or they just like to keep a reserve,” Cass offered.

Just like that, the true Noah Adams—the one who was a ruthless tactician and a decisive leader—resurfaced. “That’s not our concern. Get the meetings and show them what we can offer. If they say no, walk away,” Noah said from his place behind his desk. “But go with the one who offers the most. What’s going on with Ido, Gavin? Time is ticking.”

“I may have a lead.” Gavin put his cell in his pocket.

“About fucking time,” Noah said.

“I’m heading to Queens tomorrow afternoon,” Gavin informed the group.

“What the hell is in Queens?” Ro asked with a scowl on his lips.

“I’ll find out and let you know.”

Noah nodded at the turn of events. “I want Ido taken care of. I don’t have time to play his games. Now what’s up with Wheeler?”

Gavin groaned. “I told him to meet me here tonight. He thinks he’s being inducted into the crew.”

Ro laughed. “Damn. That Princeton education taught you to lie like that?”

The men chuckled.

“Fuck off,” Gavin growled at Ro. “Hey, I forgot to tell you that Bronx has been set up in Swerve.”

Things were falling into place: he and Avi were good, new partnerships were on the horizon, and profits would be increasing soon enough. All that was left was Ido and Poindexter. Noah rubbed his hands together, glad he was one step closer to plucking those thorns out of his side for good.

“Keep an eye on them. If I like what they bring in, they’ll come here to Envy,” Noah said.

Gavin stood with a grimace. “Wheeler’s here.”

“By all means, go get the man of the hour.” Noah’s head cocked to the side, but his pose was relaxed.

Gavin left the office without another word.

“You need me?” Ro asked with a wide smile, cracking his neck.