Deer in Headlights (Hearts and Arrows 1) (Good god series) (26 page)

There was no waiting. Travis needed to know, and she and Dean had to deal with the repercussions of that.

She’d unlocked her door and stepped into their dark apartment, her heart sinking as she realized he was asleep. She walked into their room, whispered his name, just in case, but he hadn’t stirred. Her guilt burned fresh as she watched him, his chest rising and falling in the soft, blue light.

When she sat down on the couch to take off her shoes, exhaustion hit her like a ton of bricks. The last thing she remembered was pulling her boots off and leaning back on the couch with a sigh.

Lex rubbed her eyes and cursed when she felt the crunch of mascara under her fingers. She hauled herself off the couch and walked softly to the bedroom. Travis’ arm hung off the side of the bed, and his lips parted as he snored lightly. Lex chewed her lip, knowing she didn’t have time to talk to him before she left, so she snuck into the bathroom, washed her face and brushed her teeth, and twisted her hair up. She smelled Dean on her sweater as she pulled it over her head, breathing him in for a moment before she stripped down. She threw on her New Order t-shirt, jeans, and Chuck Taylors before tiptoeing out.

She texted Dean on her way to the subway.

Hey, you up?

A few seconds later, her phone rang. Her heart skipped as she answered.

“Hey,” she said, smiling.

“Hey,” he answered, his voice low and rumbling. “How did it go?”

“Well, it didn’t. He was asleep when I got home, and I didn’t want to wake him up. I passed out on the couch and didn’t think it was fair to wake him up this early just to break up with him.”

He sighed on the other end of the line.

“I know. I’ll have to talk to him tonight. You guys are off early, right?”

“Yeah. But that means I’ve got to play it cool at practice.”

“I’m sorry. God, this is horrible.”

“Don’t be sorry. And this nowhere near what I would call horrible.”

She smiled down at her shoes, pausing at the stairs to the subway. “So, I’ve figured out how to tell him, and then … well, we have to see what he wants to do, how he wants to tell the band. I … I just want to handle it as delicately and respectfully as possible, which is already damaged by the fact that I’m leaving him for you.”

“I wish this was easier on you. I should have just left you alone, but I couldn’t. You know that, right? I couldn’t walk away, as selfish as it was.”

“I’m glad you didn’t. You have no idea how glad.” She took a breath. “It will be okay, we’ve just got to get through this next part, and then? We can be together.”

“I’m ready.”

“Me too.” Lex glanced at her watch. “Listen, I have to catch the train. I’ll come over tonight after I talk to Travis. It might be late, though.”

“It doesn’t matter. I’ll wait for you.”

Her cheeks were on fire. “Okay. Good luck today.”

“You too. I’ll see you then.”

She made her way into the subway, her head light as she descended and swiped her card to pass through the turnstile. Her phone buzzed in her pocket, and she pulled it out to find a text from Kara.

OMG how have I not heard from you? I need details before I explode.

Lex smiled as she tapped out a reply.

It was everything.

Her phone buzzed again almost immediately.

What are you going to do? Did you hook up with him? I’m freaking the fuck out right now.

Calm your tits! No, but almost. And I have to break up with Travis. Was going to last night, but he was asleep.

My tits will not be calmed! Call me later from work because I need to know everything.

K love you.

U too. HURRY UP.

Lex’s mood fluctuated through the course of the day from blissed out to flipping out. She talked to Kara, who momentarily lost her mind to a chorus of squealing and giggling. She went over her plan for the eleventy-billionth time, then watched the clock as it ticked with her thoughts leading her in circles, around and around the things to come as she helplessly waited for the time when she could move forward as she wondered if she and Travis would be okay and how she could expect them to be. Could they still be friends? Lex’s heart clenched, hoping they could.

Kara extended the invitation for Lex to come stay with her for as long as she needed, so Lex would break up with him that night, then head to Dean’s, and the next day, she’d pick up some of her things to start the move to Kara’s. She thought about Dean, remembering his lips on hers, and looked at the clock again, ready for the day and its responsibilities to be over so they could pick up where they left off.

Only five minutes had passed when she glanced at the clock again, and she decided she needed a distraction. She looked around the desk for something to occupy her and spotted a pile of books to be returned to the shelves. Lex scooped them up and made her way around the store with the stack in the crook of her arm, filing them back where they belonged.

As she rounded a corner with her eyes on a book spine, she slammed full force into someone, and papers flew into the air as books thumped to the ground. The woman, who was about Lex’s age with short, fiery red hair, had been carrying a deck of tarot cards that fluttered down around them like feathers.

Lex touched her arm. “My god, are you okay? I’m so sorry.”

She tucked her hair behind her ear. “I think so.”

“Let me help you. I’m Lex by the way,” she said as she knelt down, grabbing papers.

“I’m Mari.” She smiled at Lex, her brown eyes soft in her fair face.

Lex picked up a piece of paper, and Mari’s hand flew to her mouth when she saw what laid under it. Six tarot cards were face up, arranged in an almost perfect row in front of where Lex knelt, the other cards face down in a ring around them.

The hairs raised on Lex’s arms and the back of her neck.
 

Mari looked up at her. “What the hell?” she said, her eyes wide. “This … this is crazy. Are you seeing this?”

Lex sat down slowly and took in a breath. “Yeah, I see it.”

“I think I’m supposed to read these for you.”

“I think you are, too.”

Mari took a deep breath and sat down in front of Lex before touching the first card. The card pictured a happy man who walked the edge of a cliff in a green floral smock. He carried a parcel on a stick and a flower in his hand with a little white dog at his heel. “The Fool,” she said.

“You’re starting a new journey, an experience. The Fool is a wanderer, and your first card represents beginnings. But your journey is risky. The fool walks the edge of a cliff, but look at how happy he is. It could go either way. He could be happy, or he could fall.”

Lex’s mind raced. Paper Fools? Coincidence? She was about to start on a new journey, that was for sure. Lex had known from the beginning that Dean was risky and that pursuing him would likely only end with her heart splattered on the ground, but she could be happy too, if she was understanding Mari right.

Mari touched the second card. The sun smiled serenely, large and dominant on the card, casting wide rays over a blond child with a flower crown who rode a white horse in the foreground. He held a red banner that flapped in the wind, and sunflowers stood in rows behind him.
 

“You’re looking for something constant, reliable. The second card represents your desires, and this card is The Sun. The Sun is always there for you. He greets you every morning to chase away the darkness of night. When the sky is filled with the blackest storm, The Sun is there to warm you when it breaks.”
 

Of course she wanted reliability, and who didn’t? She wanted Dean to be her sun, but how could she know for certain that she could depend on him? Her lips pinched shut as she stared at the cards in front of her.

Mari continued on as she touched the third card. “The Moon.” A moon lay in a night sky over jagged mountains. A road wound off into the distance between two towers, and dogs howled wild-eyed around the path.
 

“You’re afraid because you don’t want to travel alone, and worried you’ll be deceived, but you must travel alone in the darkness to find The Sun. The third card represents your fears and obstacles. The Moon represents deceit and confusion. When The Moon shows his face, something isn’t what it seems.” She peered at Lex. “Don’t let the moonlight fool you.”

Her stomach dropped. How could he promise her anything? He could deceive her, just as he’d deceived all the others, and as for her fears? Being lied to, being hurt was what she feared the most.
 

Mari’s fingers came to rest on the fourth card, which was upside down. The sun shone at the top of the card where an angel sat with red wings in a tuft of clouds. A man and woman stood in front of two trees, and a mountain rose in the distance.

“The Lovers Reversed. When upright, The Lovers card represents a connection. In reverse, it means a connection is broken, and the fourth card represents things in your life that are positive. Something will break The Lovers’ connection, and, in my experience, infidelity is usually the reason. But whatever the cause, the break will lead you to something positive.”

That had Dean written all over it. Her heart sank, realizing that he couldn’t be faithful. He had never been faithful to anyone, hadn’t even tried to be. The card was supposed to be about something good happening to her, though she had no idea how the fuck getting cheated on was a good thing.
 

Mari laid her fingers on the fifth card. A tower raised up into the black of night, and lightning struck the crown on top, cracking it as fire licked at the windows. Two men fell from the sky, grasping for purchase.

“The Tower. The fifth card represents what is working against you, the negative. There is a truth inside of The Tower, but a storm is coming that will knock it down, exposing the truth hidden inside. The Tower is not just destructive, though. It’s regenerative. You can regain control, but you have to choose to push The Tower down yourself instead of waiting for fate to play out, which will turn this negative into a positive. Fate may reward you if you take the initiative.”

Was the truth inside that he didn’t care for her like she thought he did? Or that he couldn’t change? She would find out, whether she wanted to or not. So, she could wait and throw her heart into Dean and let the tower crumble, or she could just end it. Push it down and save herself from the destruction that the storm would bring.

Mari picked up the final card and held it up in presentation as she looked into Lex’s eyes. Lex leaned forward to inspect the card. A wheel in the sky in the center of the card was marked with symbols, spokes connecting them across the wheel. In the top left sat an angel, in the right an eagle, the bottom right a lion, and the bottom left what looked like a cow, all with wings, all gold, and all reading. The sphinx on the top of the wheel held a sword, a snake was in the sky to the left of the wheel, and a devil slithered up the right.

“Wheel of Fortune. The sixth card represents outcomes, and the Wheel of Fortune is fate. This card shows how destiny and fate are connected in a cycle, that it’s constantly moving and changing, but predetermined. This means that the outcome isn’t only likely, it’s certain. You can’t change fate, but you can prepare for it if you recognize the signs.”

Lex’s voice was raw. “If that reading wasn’t a sign, I don’t know what is.”

Mari’s hand fell, and her mouth was a tight line. “I’m sorry. This doesn’t seem like welcome news.”

Lex managed a pained smile. “It’s okay. None of this was news to me, however unwelcome it is.” She helped Mari pick up the remaining cards and papers in silence, then stood and wiped her sweaty palms on the thighs of her jeans as she walked back to her stool with shaky knees.
 

Her mind raced as she tried to process what had just happened
. Calm down and think about this,
Alexis. She took a deep breath, trying to convince her heart to slow down.

Lex felt like she’d been shoved into an icy river, the shock of the experience bringing her painful clarity. How could she have been so stupid? Of course he would hurt her. She thought back on who he was: a womanizer. A user. How could she think he would ever, could ever want to be with her in the way that mattered?

She had to end it.

Lex leaned on the counter and cradled her head in her hands, breathing deep through her nose, trying not to vomit, trying to reason with herself. She’d dodged a bullet, she told herself over and over, but it hurt like she had taken it in the heart.

Dean paced around his apartment, picking things up and putting them back down again as he waited for Lex to come over. Practice had been long and tense for him. Roe had asked him what happened, but Dean only answered, “I can’t. Not now. Not yet.” It took everything he had just to concentrate to get through practice.
 

Travis was a good guy, and Dean felt for him. He knew what he was taking from Travis, and hoped that Lex was right, that he wasn’t in love with her, that he would be okay. Dean had obsessed over how she would tell Travis, what he would say, what he would do, and how she would react.
 

And as he walked the length of the room, he wondered most about when she would get there, because of everything else, that was the thing he anticipated the most. He had replayed every moment of the day before on a loop since he’d watched her walk away.
 

His heart skipped when he heard the knock on the door, and he smiled as he opened it, until he saw her face. She stood, small and dejected in his hallway, and his hopes fell hard and fast.
 

“What’s wrong?” He stepped toward her, but she stepped back, keeping the distance between them. “What did Travis do?”

“Nothing.” She looked up at him with brimming eyes. “I didn’t tell him.”
 

She dropped her gaze to the ground and walked into his apartment, hands in her pockets, shoulders bent. She wouldn’t look at him, as much as he wanted her to.

He closed the door and turned to her with his heart in his stomach and his stomach in his throat.