Deer in Headlights (Hearts and Arrows 1) (Good god series) (27 page)

“Dean, I … I’ve been thinking all day about us, and this afternoon, I realized something. I can’t give my heart to you when you don’t know how to take care of it. I don’t want to be the guinea pig for your love life, and I can’t walk into a death trap. Because I know if I do give myself to you, and you hurt me, I will never recover. I just … I can’t risk it.”

Lex’s heart thumped in her ears through the silence as she begged him to argue, to tell her she was wrong, that he could never hurt her.
Say something. Anything.
 

Dean’s body was a shell, his lack of experience holding him still, unable to even contemplate a response. She was right. He didn’t know how to care for her, and he couldn’t promise that he wouldn’t hurt her. But he believed he could take care of her, that he would if he was able. No woman he had ever been with would describe him as ‘trustworthy.’ He wanted to be, for her, but his word didn’t mean anything, not when his track record clearly said otherwise.

He looked at her long. “Okay. Whatever you want, Lex.”

I want you,
her mind screamed as she breathed deep, her chin quivering. “I have to go,” she said. Her heart shattered as she turned and bolted out the door, wishing he had argued and glad that he hadn’t.

Dean stood rooted to the ground, his throat in a vice. He wanted to stop her, call out to her, but he didn’t deserve her. The kindest thing he could do for her was to watch her walk away.

Dita’s eyes blazed as she stormed into the common living room. She stopped in front of Apollo with her legs wide and her hands in fists, her wrath boiling under her skin. “What the fuck was that?”
 

Apollo didn’t appear fazed. He put his hands up in front of his chest in a surrender gesture, but spoke stern. “All’s fair, Dita.”
 

“You’re going to pay for that cheap-ass parlor trick.”

Apollo rose and looked her in the eye, the calm facade fading as he circled her. “Am I? What exactly did I do wrong? If you’re so sure you’re going to win, why are you worked up, hmm? How do you know for sure that I’m not the end of your winning streak? Last time I checked, I had the gift of prophecy, and you, Dita, did not.”

“You can’t win. CANNOT.”

Apollo stopped in front of her, his body tense. “Why not? Might your boy-toy be unhappy?”

“Don’t speak of him, Apollo. Don’t even utter his name,” she growled, her rage threatening to push her over the edge. Her hair lifted as wind, sprinkled with rose petals, swirled around her in a glorious tornado.

Apollo’s face bent in vengeful anguish, and his voice boomed as he began to glow. “Do you think I don’t know, Dita? DO YOU? Because I do. You could give her back to me, but you won’t. Instead, you torture me.”

“You killed him. Killed him because of your shit-headed creep of a son. He had to be punished, Apollo, and then? You killed Adonis. Your revenge on me far outweighed the price you paid.” Her words shot out of her like white-hot knives.

Apollo’s shoulders fell as her words sliced through his heart, through his rage, through his pain, and he was suddenly very tired. His anger drained out of him, leaving only regret for things he could not change as he wished for the thousandth time that he could tell her the truth.
 

“Dita, I know. You’re right. I’m sorry. I was wrong to do what I did, but it doesn’t matter, because words mean nothing. I don’t know what else I can do but try to win, and you would do the same, if you were me.”

The air around Aphrodite stilled as her wrath ebbed, and his words sank in. He was right. He was doing exactly what she would do.
 

Her face softened, and she reached for his arm. “Apollo, I—”

He shrugged her off as he turned for the elevator. “Just don’t. You’re not the only one who’s been in pain all this time.”

And in that moment, as she watched Apollo walk away, she felt the truth in his words more deeply than ever.

LEX’S EYES WERE CLOSED as she lay in bed, feigning sleep, feeling Travis watch her. She wasn’t ready to talk to him.
 

Not yet.
 

She was certain he heard her crying the night before, since she hadn’t stopped all night, and her drippy nose was impossible to keep quiet. She’d drifted in and out of sleep, but Dean always made his way back into her mind, and every thought broke her heart fresh.

But she needed time before she could talk to Travis and didn’t want to break up with him before he left for practice where Dean was, so she breathed slow, keeping as still as she could until she heard Travis sigh and leave the room. His keys rattled as he scooped them up, and the door closed. The click of the lock sliding home was the only sound in the quiet apartment.
 

Lex rolled over and watched the tops of the trees sway out the window for a long while before crawling out of bed to make coffee. While the pot dripped and sputtered, she walked into the living room, pulled a throw blanket off the couch, and wrapped herself in it as she curled up in the window seat.

She pressed her forehead against the cool glass and looked down into the street. People were going to work, walking their dogs, shopping for groceries, and though her world had stopped spinning, all the rest of the world carried on.

She’d wanted to let herself go for the first time. She understood what she had been missing, what she’d never been able to feel or give. She understood what she’d lost. But it was better to stop before it started and avoid the pain of sacrificing any more of her heart.

A hot, fat tear slipped down her cheek.

She had to stop. Stop thinking about him. She knew she couldn’t risk him, not when everything she knew about his past told her he would only hurt her. The fact that a stranger told her during the freakiest tarot reading ever was only the catalyst to bring her back to reality, although the circumstances of that alone had her one hundred percent spooked. Really, she had been fooling herself to think that Dean was someone who she could trust enough to let in, even though she wanted to.

The coffee pot pinged, and she wiped her cheek with the corner of her blanket as she carried herself into the kitchen to try to figure out how to move on.

Dean sat up and immediately regretted it. The heel of his hand flew to his eye socket, and he pressed hard as his head exploded in pain. The sweet, heavy scent of whiskey hit his nose. He smelled like the bottom of a bottle.

When the room stopped spinning, he swung his legs off the edge of the bed and staggered into the kitchen to pour himself a glass of water. He swigged it down like he had been stranded in the desert and set the empty glass down, gripped the counter with bent shoulders and his head hung.
 

Dean had earned himself a massive karma dump and was sitting in the middle of it. He figured that someday his fucking around would catch up with him, but he didn’t know it would hurt like it did. He didn’t get it before, didn’t understand what it would be like to care or how much pain he would endure when he lost. The pain was so great, so deep, that he thought he might break apart from the force.

There was no way to convince her, and no matter how much he wanted her back, he wasn’t worthy of her, and he never would be.
 

His hands fell like weights from the counter, and he stumbled back to his bed, lost in the dark.

Dita sank into her clawfoot tub until the steaming water reached her chin.
 

She was totally fucked.
 

Dean was literally going to screw Lex over, and Dita was shocked that she’d been so wrong about him. The minute that tarot reader said the word ‘infidelity,’ Dita had known. Game over. Damn Apollo and his prophecies. No wonder he had been so sure of himself.

She shook herself. She still had time. But, what if she lost? Apollo had never come so close to winning before.

Her thoughts drifted to Adonis. He would be angry if Apollo won, but he couldn’t blame her, not unless he suspected that she threw it. But that would be ridiculous. She’d never forfeited anything.

Apollo was one of only a few situations in thousands of years that had ever come between her and Adonis. Everything about their relationship had been cherished because they had only ever been kept apart. Every meeting was a rush, exciting because it was forbidden.

She was taken when she found him as a baby at the foot of the tree that had once been his mother, before she’d been cursed. He was a golden child with bronze skin and wide, blue eyes the color of the sky. His plump little fingers wound through her hair, and when he cooed at her, she knew she had to save him. His mortal mother died in the transformation, and he had no one to care for him, so Aphrodite swaddled him and sent him to the underworld to be raised by Persephone.

And raise him she did. She loved him as her own son, but as he grew into a man, Aphrodite took notice. The gods always spoke of him, impressed with his skills as a hunter, and would gather to watch him hunt, wagering on how long it would take or how he would take the kill. She was enamored. He was so skilled, so lovely, easily the most beautiful man she had ever seen, and she wanted him.

Persephone kept Adonis locked away in the underworld, to keep him safe she said, only releasing him to hunt. When it came time to give him up, free him to live on Earth, Persephone refused, and their feud began.

And so, Aphrodite devised a plan to win his heart. She had watched him for so long, and one day, she waited in a valley, one of his favorite resting places after a hunt.

Adonis held back the brush and stepped into the clearing where Aphrodite waited. He froze, watching her as she moved toward him, her red robes flowing behind her as she glided to him, her bosom spilling out of her enchanted corset.
 

“Do not be afraid. I am Aphrodite, the Lady of Cyprus, Goddess of Love. When you were only a babe, I happened upon you and saved you. Did Persephone tell you?”

He shook his head.

“No, I suppose not. We in Olympus have watched you grow so fair and brave, and I wished to meet you, to know you.”

His blue eyes were wide as he took a step toward her. “Are you real?”

She laughed, and the sound was music. “I am real. I am flesh, just as you.”
 

Aphrodite reached for his hand and pressed it to her cheek as her eyes roamed his face, holding on to every detail. He took a step toward her, the space between them gone, and cupped the back of her neck, pulling her to him until their lips met, and her heart rang out.

Persephone would never stop her. Not as long as she had breath.

They met in that way for several years, and each time it became more and more difficult to part. He always chose Persephone, always wanted to return to the underworld, stoking the flames of her jealousy with bitter wind. Aphrodite knew that if Persephone found out, there would be Hades to pay, so she and Adonis only had their small time together, which made it more thrilling, and more dangerous.
 

Only a few years after Zeus released Adonis from the underworld, he was killed. They had never been together in a real, true way, but still she was fiercely possessive of him. They had gone through so much to be together, even through death and eternity.