Defiled Forever
Authors: AM Rivera
Defiled Forever
A.M. Rivera
This book is a work of fiction. Any references to real people or real places are used fictitiously.
Other names, characters, places, and events are products of the author’s imagination, and any resemblance to actual places, or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.
Copyright 2014 by A.M. Rivera
All rights reserved.
Contents
Prologue
Like a zombie, I exit the SUV and head to the front door of my home. I don’t remember the drive that brought me here. Vlad brings my bag to the door and hands me my
cellphone
and keys.
“The boss sent texts to your friend a few times pretending to be you so she wouldn’t worry.” Vlad explains.
I am still standing in a daze, unable to move. I need to cross the threshold and go inside but my heart wants to scream and wail and force him to return me to Nikolai’s home. Knowing that is useless, I try to thank him and enter my house.
He is very uncomfortable as he says goodbye and leaves me.
I just said thank you to someone that helped in my kidnapping. I need a therapist. It’s over. I am home. Safe and sound as though none of this ever happened. I need my heart and my brain to catch up. It’s all over now.
Time to get on with my life.
The problem is
,
I don’t know who I am anymore. It was only a few days out of my twenty years. But in those few days I was the true Lauren.
The one that Nikolai loved and gave all of his attention and affection to.
I saw myself thru his eyes and I loved the Lauren he made me become. Without that, I don’t know who I am supposed to be now. I feel like the light has gone out and only a small sad part of me is left to enter this house. I left the best of me with Nikolai.
Even though he didn’t want it.
One
No one is around to greet me or make a fuss about my return. I felt my father would at least take off from work to be here this afternoon.
Putting my things down, I go to the kitchen to seek out Martha our housekeeper. She is busy as always multitasking. Whatever is bubbling away on the stove smells good, but I have no stomach for food.
“Hello Miss and welcome home!” she says.
I am not sure how much she knows so I only smile.
“I was so surprised when your Father said you went away with some girlfriends. It’s not skiing season or really any season. Where did you go and what did you do?” she asks.
So she has no idea what has been really going on these past few days. Maybe this is why my father remains working today. He is making everything stay in the routine so as not to raise suspicions.
“We just wanted to have a little get away after finals and did the whole tourist thing up in San Francisco.” I tell her the half-truth.
“I am going to unpack and maybe lie down for a rest.” I tell her and head up stairs for my room.
As I enter my room I can’t help but remember the last time I was here. The things Nikolai and I shared on my bed. The bed I now have to sleep on every night.
Alone.
Forever.
I unpack my little bag and the only things that won’t need to go in the laundry are my shoes so I return them and the empty bag to my closet where I spot the little white sneakers Nikolai gave me that first day. In true drama queen fashion I hold them to my chest and lose it. I wallow in my grief and self-loathing. Holding onto the shoes I lay across the bed and sleep to escape my pain.
I wake to Martha gently shaking my shoulders. “Wake up. You have slept all day and your Father wants you downstairs to eat supper with him.” She says and is rushing out of the room and back downstairs in a hurry.
I get up and pull myself together to face my father.
Two
“There you are Lauren!” He says as he stands to hug me. He seems unfazed and very normal. I feel foolish for my dramatics. Are we just going to sweep it all under the rug and forget about the entire incident?
“Daddy.
You look well. No worse for wear. How was your golf getaway?” I ask seething with quiet anger that he can be so nonchalant about everything.
“I’m sorry Lauren. I feel so helpless about what those animals did. I…”
I stop him. I don’t like hearing him say things like that and I don’t like hearing him admit to weakness. We aren’t warm and fuzzy. But I love my dad and he has always been a tower of goodness and strength for me.
“Daddy I am home. It is over now. I am okay. I do want to get some therapy to deal with some things I discovered about myself but not because I am traumatized or anything. Let’s put it all behind us. Please.” And I pick up my fork and begin to eat dinner.
“That sounds like a good plan Lauren. Be sure you demand discretion and I will even have a non- disclosure drawn up. I am announcing my retirement. It will all be behind us.” He says.
Before I can be hurt by the fact that secrecy is his priority over my health, I am shocked at the news of his early retirement over this whole thing.
“Daddy why?
Your position means everything to you.”
“Lauren I am in my sixties it shouldn’t draw any unnecessary speculation. I forfeited my integrity in that courtroom this morning. I cannot go on like nothing happened. I can’t even hold off until elections.” He explains very matter of fact.
“Maybe you should take a leave or a long vacation before you make it permanent. Take a step back and be sure.” I offer. Still he is concerned with there being speculation as to why. His main concern is and has always been what people will think.
He doesn’t comment and continues eating dinner. I guess discussion is closed. My appetite is non- existent. My mind is racing with thoughts and so many questions. Did Nikolai hurt or threaten him? How could he not ask me if I was harmed? This is so screwed up. I knew we were cold and dysfunctional but this just magnifies how screwed up we are.
Even though we spent less than thirty minutes, maybe less than twenty minutes over the entire meal, it was a long, uncomfortable, drawn out ordeal.
I can’t help but remember the long wonderful, conversation filled meals I shared with Nikolai.
Before saying good night and returning to my room, he re addresses the non-disclosure again and insists on finding the “correct” therapist for me. Discretion is everything. He promises that his secretary will give me appointment details tomorrow.
A peck on the cheek and good night.
Three
I feel drugged. I feel numb. I feel half alive. I don’t want to wander around downstairs where I have to make conversation and act “normal.” I am not ready to go to bed, so I go through my things and try to find busy work. I scroll through the text messages on my phone and see the little back and forth messages between Nikolai pretending to be me and Amanda. I will call her tomorrow and check in on her. I can’t tell her what has really happened. I can’t tell anyone. It’s my secret. I will hopefully start therapy soon and learn how to deal with everything. That is the solution. I will wake up tomorrow and get on with my life. I have a new job to look forward to at the art gallery and Amanda and summertime fun. That is the answer.
Around midnight, I crawl under my covers and swear I smell Nikolai on my bed. So I want to hold off laundering the bedding as long as possible. I know sleep won’t come easy but I try.
The ping of my
cellphone
wakes me and on the pillow next to me the phone is lit up with an incoming call. It’s almost three am. Unknown caller has to be a wrong number. I answer anyway so they won’t keep calling back all night.
“Hello.”
“I can’t sleep without you
Moya
.” Nikolai says.
“I hate you.” Is the only thing I can
say.
He laughs a little and says “I hate you too baby.”
Neither of us speaks for a minute and I hit the button to end the call.
I feel like I have been punched in the stomach, but I feel like that was a victory for me. I hung up on him. My new life begins in the morning. No Niko. There is nothing there.
Four
I am almost one whole week into my new life. I have started work at the gallery and I come home actually tired every evening. I sit through dinners with my father. His retirement announcement was made without much fanfare and his last day is the end of the month. I have met up with Amanda for shopping and lunch plus just today for coffee. I’m not ready for a club outing yet. I made it through my first therapy session. I will go twice a week for starts. Dr. Richardson is a very beautiful African American woman that didn’t blink an eye over the whole losing my virginity to my kidnapper thing. I like her a lot.
While there have been no more late night phone calls it doesn’t mean I don’t crave them. I check my phone screen throughout the night just in case.
But nothing.
I’m sure Nikolai has moved on. I’m sure he is sleeping with other women by now knowing his appetite in that area. Life keeps moving forward.
I braid my hair into one long side braid after my shower and grab my
IPad
to read something and crawl under my cool crisp sheets. The bedding has been cleaned and there is no longer even a trace of Nicolai’s smell here. I can’t even remember that smell anymore.
I’m not sure how long it takes me to finally fall asleep, trying hard to remember his fragrance. I am woken up some hours later completely smothered by that smell. Nikolai is on me, grabbing, rubbing, kissing me everywhere. He pulls at my sleep shorts and
cami
until I am under him completely naked. This isn’t a dream. This is really happening. He enters my body with a hard thrust and a grunt. I cry out with what can only be described as relief. Thank God. I think I even say that out loud. Nikolai is pumping into me with all of his strength.
Kissing my mouth in between his words of love.
Oh his words. Russian sounds so beautiful. I am holding onto him and running my hands from his hair back to his shoulders. He puts his hand down between our bodies to rub me in exactly the right spot and I come.
“That’s it baby. I need this so bad baby. This is mine. You are mine.” He says moaning as he himself comes.
My room is dark, but the moonlight lets me see everything clearly as he leaves the bed and goes into my bathroom.
My mind starts racing. How did he get in here? Did he hurt my Father? What have I done? I have no dignity. No self-respect.
All thoughts are silenced when he returns to bed. He begins kissing me and I have no questions. No rational thoughts.
Just giving back as good as I am getting.
We are like longtime lovers starving for each other after a long separation. This is heaven. This is bliss.
My first happy contented feeling in over a week.
Bliss.
Donning protection, Nikolai makes love to me slowly with his mouth savoring every drop before entering me almost gently. It goes on for what feels like an hour or more. I have lost count of my orgasms. I only know I have to stop. No more. No more.
When Nikolai comes finally.
Panting and breathless we hold each other and try to return to earth.
“If you kill me with sex, I am going to put a curse on you Nikolai. I will haunt you for all eternity.” I joke softly.
“I was cursed when I first laid eyes on you.” He replies seriously.
I’m moved and emotional over his serious words. I try to make light of it.
“Oh so now you are
Heathcliff
?”
He asks “Who?”
“
Heathcliff
, from Wuthering Heights?
He said that.” I explain.
“Oh yeah one of the
Brontes
right?” He catches on.
“Yes.
Very good.
Well, he said that about being cursed and as it turns out, he was.” I explain.
“I don’t know what I’m doing here. I just know I can’t give you up yet. I can’t stay away from you. I can’t leave you alone.” He says as he rests his hand around my throat.
“Then don’t.” I say.
And with that, he rises up and goes into the bathroom.
Returning, he seems closed off and cold as he gathers his clothes and begins dressing.
He regrets this I can tell. I feel resentment now and a little hurt. How can I keep behaving so stupidly?
“So did you climb in thru the window or what?”
“No. No climbing. I came through the front door.”
Tying his tie as he bends down and kisses me he says “I’ll call you.”
And walks out of my room.
And that’s it. I was a booty call! I am so stupid. I hate myself for the way I act around him. My mind replays every word and every touch until I finally fall asleep again where he left me.