Defiled Forever (2 page)

Five

The following morning is routine and clearly no one knows someone was in our home during the night. I take off for work determined to start over. I refuse to wait for the promised phone call from Nikolai. I can’t be that girl. I’m not weak. I’m smart. I have a future. Determined not to let Niko enter my thoughts, I take extra care with my appearance today and head off to the gallery for work.

We are very busy today and I don’t take time for lunch but around one I walk around the block to grab a latte. I feel someone following or watching me but no one is there. I half expected to see Nikolai stalking me. I will myself to stop thinking of him.

When I step inside the gallery with my latte my
cellphone
beeps. My mind goes to hoping
it’s
Nikolai. But it is my father telling me to be on time for supper he has guests coming tonight. Ok.
Whatever.
Anything to escape constant thoughts of Niko.
I can’t wait to get my butt back into the therapist office!

The afternoon is busier even than this morning and when I am freed up enough to head home I find it is already eight. I text Daddy a quick apology and assure him I am on my way now. He won’t be happy. Appearances are everything. This is just plain bad manners. At least this late I have missed rush hour traffic. I make it home in record breaking time.

As I pull up, I see a couple of expensive cars in the drive that I don’t recognize.
Probably esteemed friends of the Judge.
Boring, but the distraction I need.

The front door flies open and a frantic Martha rushes to my car door before I can actually turn the engine off.

“Hurry Miss.
Your Father has guests and he tells me you promised to be on time.” She rushes me as she explains what I already know.

Six

I see the small gathering off to my right in the living room and decide I am too late to slip past and rush upstairs to freshen up. I have to face them and my Father like I am.
Late and all.

“Here’s my working girl now.” Daddy gushes as I enter.

Chuckles all around the room.

“Daddy that so doesn’t sound right.”

Again chuckles.

A peck on the cheek and he begins introducing. I was right about two of the three being old Judge cronies. The third man is no crony.
Young, handsome, and recognizable.
Matthew Lawson.
Young successful politician.
Running for the Senate.
And will win if rumor is true.

Daddy’s eyes sparkle as he makes the introductions. Passed the bar first try.
Going to be a senator at only 27 years old.
Blah
blahblah
and I see where this is headed.
Handpicked.
Daddy’s
dream come
true. He wants me to be the future Mrs. Lawson and all that comes with it. Now that I get it, Mr. Lawson is not nearly so handsome to me.

This doesn’t make Matthew uncomfortable at all. Meanwhile I feel myself turn redder and redder.

“Would you guys mind having just one more drink and give me a few minutes to freshen up before we go in to dinner?” I ask trying to escape.

“Take all the time you need, but you look beautiful just as you are.” Matthew offers.

Ugh.
Mr. Suave.
Ugh!

All of them are smiling at me in agreement so I excuse myself and run up to my room. I leave my hair swept up like I had it for work today and changed my dress. A quick touch up on my make-up and I feel cooler and more presentable. Letting my wrists and hands remain under the cool water I study myself in the mirror. Am I ever going to be interested in a man that isn’t Nikolai? Do I have to be restrained or choked? What is wrong with me? I hate you Nikolai! I hate what you’ve done to me!

Dinner is pleasant.
Calming.
Normal. My bruised ego and self-esteem lap up all of the compliments, but my mind wanders back to Nikolai several times. I am only half present. I crave something that isn’t normal or calm or pleasant.

Finally, we are finished and I plan to make an escape when the guys go back to the living room for drinks but Matthew halts me.

“Lauren, step outside with me for some fresh air.” He asks and reaches his hand out to me.

Without accepting his hand I say “sure” and lead the way to the patio.

When the silence stretches on far too long I ask “Do you smoke?”

Laughing at that, he says “Of course not.”

Of course not.
Lauren what do you think? He is a thug?
A member of a Russian crime family?
Get it together. Snap out of it!

“Of course not.
So tell me why do you want to be a Senator?” I try.

“I have so many goals and I feel like public office will help me achieve a lot of those things. I think I can make a change.” He says. And he sounds exactly like his ads.

“Like what?” I push him for more.

“Crime.
Organized crime to be exact.”
He says and I feel sick.

“You don’t want to hear me go on and on about murder and corruption. Just know I want to make the world better for our children. Seriously”

He looks deeply in my eyes when he says “our children” like he means us personally. I should shock him and tell him I have been sleeping with a murderer. When did I turn rebellious?

“No I’m good. You have my vote. I promise.” I try to put a little distance between us and step away.

“I’m not sure, but I think you just insulted me. I was only answering the question you asked. I wasn’t campaigning.” He says sincerely and I feel ashamed. I am so not myself anymore.

Reaching out to shake his hand, I apologize. “I
apologize
Matthew. I didn’t mean to insult you. I admire what you do. I am not usually this rude. Can we please be friends?”

He smiles and takes my hand. “Lifelong friends I hope.”

“No more fresh air. Let’s go back inside.” And I lead us back into the room with the others. Refusing a drink, I know my Father will be upset if I try to go to my room before they leave so I sit down and try to follow the conversation without falling asleep out of boredom.

By eleven we are free of guests and I wish my father a goodnight and try to escape upstairs to bed.

He halts me to say thank you for helping him entertain and acknowledges it was probably too soon for me after my “incident” but he didn’t want to change plans made long ago.

“It was fine Daddy. I am sorry I was late. The gallery is so busy right now and I am new to the job. I am just fine and I enjoyed myself tonight.” I let him know.
Happy smiling daughter.

Seven

I fall asleep with thoughts of Nikolai as always. I feel like a high school girl with her first crush.
Loser.
Around two or three in the morning my phone vibrates and buzzes enough to wake me. Unknown caller again and I am wide awake and excited.

“Hello.”

“Hey baby. How was your date tonight?”

“What are you talking about Nikolai?”

“That Prick you were entertaining. I saw him. That mother fucker has a hard on for me. I know you
are loving
the fact he promised to bring me down and everyone associated with me.
Mother Fucker.”

“Matthew Lawson?”

He doesn’t respond.

“Those men were here to see my Father, not me. They are his cronies. Besides, how did you see? Are you spying on who comes and goes in my home now?” I ask and I am
creeped
out and outraged at the same time. Why did I start explaining myself to him?

“He wasn’t there to see your old man when you were out back alone with each other looking at the stars.” He spits.

“Nikolai, I don’t know what you think happened or what you think you saw. But you had no business lurking around my home. You have to stop this. I don’t want any part of this game you are trying to play with me.” And I mean it.

He’s quiet for a minute and right when I plan to hang up he sighs heavily and says “You get your wish. Anatoly is not happy with this situation. I told him I didn’t want to give you up. So, I am going overseas for a while. I just wanted to let you know and tell you goodbye. Get on with your life and I will do the same Princess. If I stay around, I won’t be able to let go. So this is a good thing.”

“How long is a while?” I can barely whisper.

“
Ktoznayet
?
Who knows? Three weeks, a month, maybe longer.” He explains with no emotion whatsoever.

“Will I see you before you go?”

“No. Goodbye Lauren. Take care of yourself little one.”

And once again it’s over. I have to do the whole painful grieving thing from the start again. I hate Nikolai.

Eight

The next month goes by in a blur. I have worked as many hours as they let me at the gallery and find I love the art as well as the patrons. My life is full and busy and finally normal. I have been dating Matthew very rarely and very casually. He is handsome and decent and a catch as everyone keeps telling me. We have a lot in common and I enjoy his company but there is absolutely no spark, no excitement, and no real
no
attraction on my part. He is very driven and ambitious so it keeps him from pressing for anything deeper. This is what makes him ideal.

His career plans take him to Sacramento as well as Washington DC so he is rarely here in LA.

Amanda and I have gone out a few times a week.
Usually a lunch or coffee get together and a movie or a club on one of the weekend nights.
We now go to real grown up clubs. Not college hangouts.
Clubs where everyone dresses well and is very career driven.
Grownups.
Amanda is still easy breezy and all about a good time and I am happy to discover I am not a total Ho. I was afraid I was going to be after Niko and the things he taught me to crave, but I find I have no interest at all.

Now that I have said his name, I will admit I miss him and think of him every single day. I wonder where he is. Is he back? Who is
he
making love to? Nope. Not making love.
Having sex.

Speaking of that, therapy is good. I go once a week now and feel better about everything.

Daddy has retired and he
golfs
daily even though it’s mid-summer and extremely hot every day. He has never seemed happier.

It’s Friday night and I am going on a dinner “date” with Daddy. Amanda has a hot date with a hot guy tonight.

Like I said I feel normal again. I’ve officially moved on.
Sort of.

I agreed to meet Daddy at the restaurant on my own after rushing home from work and showering and trying to look my very best for him. When I reach the restaurant I am happy they have valet service for my car. I have that sensation of being watched or followed all of the time now. Not just tonight. I think it may be a little issue left over from my “ordeal” because all of these weeks I’ve felt it morning noon and night and there is never anyone there. Maybe it’s my imagination.

My Father beams when he sees me and rises to help with my chair. I am pleased I took pains with my appearance tonight when I see his pride in me shine through.

“Lauren, you look so lovely. I love this new shorter hair on you. I am so proud of the young woman you have become.” He says as he hugs me.

“Thanks Daddy. It’s still on the long side but it is a big change.
Grown up hair for a grown up lady.
No more school girl. You look very well yourself.” I offer and we sit down to enjoy a lengthy meal and an entire bottle of wine.
Very unusual.
New me and a new Daddy I guess.

We spend way too much time talking about my Father’s new favorite thing: Matthew Lawson. I know he wants to push it but he holds back for fear of putting me off the idea. I make him smile when I tell him Matthew and I
are
meeting at the club tomorrow for tennis and a political thing Sunday afternoon.
Twice in one weekend.
Maybe things are progressing more than I thought.
Sadly.
I really just don’t care.