Deja Vu (21 page)

“I haven’t been sleeping, hence the dark circles under my eyes. Worse yet, I’ve lost my appetite. I feel like I’m going to wither away to the bone. I don’t know if I want to be engaged, and I don’t know if I want to get married. To Ted.”

After a moment of utter silence, Maggie shook her head once, and said, “Anyway, I’m too young to be Mrs. Robinson.”

“Ahhh.”

“There’s a little more to it than that, of course. Can you love two people, Nikki?”

“Sure. But that’s when it gets tricky. I’ve seen all the movies, so have you. You have to ask yourself which one of those loves you can’t live without. Did you ask yourself that question?”

“I did. I didn’t come up with an answer. I’m thinking of kicking both of them to the curb, resigning, and taking a road trip out West to get my head on straight.”

“Do you think that will work?”

“No,” Maggie blurted. “My problem is I’m a know-it-all. But in all fairness to myself, I usually am ahead of the curve and two jumps ahead of both guys. It’s not that I am impressed with myself. Well, I am, a little bit, but they let me get away with it. Take Ted. He lets me walk all over him. If I say jump, he says, how high? I have to constantly keep testing him to make sure he lives up to his potential, or he slacks off. He really is the best of the best, and we’ve been together a long, long time. Plus, I love his cats, and they love me. The sex is spectacular, but there is more to life than sex. I can’t even remember how or why we got engaged. I guess it seemed like the thing to do at the time. And I hate these damn acrylic fingernails that I have to keep up with to show off the ring.”

“Aaaahhh.”

“Then there’s Abner, who has never, ever failed me. Ted hasn’t failed me, either, but with Abner it’s different. In case you don’t know, Abner is my snitch and my hacker. He has bailed us out so many times, I’ve lost count. He charges outrageous sums of money for what he does, but it isn’t the money with him. It’s kind of how he courts me. He looks for the most part like the bad end of a well-used mop, but then so does Ted. They’re both into grunge for some reason. Maybe it’s a guy thing. I don’t know. Right now, as we speak, Abner and his crew are trying to hack into the Witness Protection Program. If he gets caught, he’ll go away for, like, forever. I had to browbeat him, challenge his expertise before he would agree to do it. Never mind how much Annie is paying him and his crew for the job. We already made a payment.

“He was all dressed up that day, Nikki. Nice summer suit, fresh haircut; he smelled all citrusy, and his shoes were polished. He looked like Brad Pitt only better. I thought my heart was going to bang right out of my chest. We got into it, and he said he loved me, had always loved me, and I knew … know that, Nikki, and still I kept baiting him. He pretty much told me to kiss off, this finished us, never to call him again. He’s said that before but he didn’t mean it. He meant it this time. And before you can ask, we have never had sex, but I have sure dreamed about what it would be like.

“When he walked out of here, I knew he meant every word he said. He just looked like I killed him, and he had yet to lie down. When he left, I sat here and cried for hours. That’s when I took off my ring, and I haven’t put it back on since.”

“Aaaahhh.”

“What if he gets caught, Nikki? You don’t mess around with those federal marshals. No one has ever penetrated the WPP. Nor have they ever lost a person they put into the program. God, I didn’t have all that much to give him to begin with. Just a woman and her daughter whose last name was originally Jellicoe. What if I was wrong and I have him doing all this for nothing and he gets caught. I’ll just die, Nikki, I’ll simply die.” Maggie continued to boo-hoo.

“But you say you’re never wrong, Maggie. Either you believe in yourself or you don’t. Why are you second-guessing yourself now? Don’t do that, don’t go there. You’re upset because you can’t decide whom you love right now. Look it square in the face and own up to it. Work from that point on.”

“What if he gets caught, Nikki?”

“It’s a little late for what-ifs. As you said, it’s happening right now. If something goes awry, we call in Lizzie. Lizzie, my firm, and anyone else we can call on will be on board. Do you think he’ll succeed in finding Jellicoe’s long-lost wife and daughter?”

Maggie swiped at her eyes. “If they’re in the program, Abner will find them. That’s a guarantee.” Fresh tears ran down her cheeks. “I’ll never see him again. I’ll never know if he’s the one or Ted is the one.”

Nikki got up off her chair and walked around to hug Maggie. “True love always finds a way, believe it or not. Same principle as that old ditty that the truth will set you free. There is every possibility that when you walk out of this building, you might bump into some stranger who turns out to be that one true love. You have to be open to everything. And, Maggie, you have to be honest with Ted and Abner, but most of all you have to be honest with yourself. If you can do that, whatever happens, you will be able to handle it.”

Maggie nodded tearfully. “How’s things with you and Jack?”

“A bit rocky, but we’re working on it. Now tell me, what did you think of the book we got from Virgil Anders?”

Maggie swiped at her eyes again as she rummaged on her desk for what she wanted. She finally came up with a piece of paper with what looked like a hundred scrawled notes on it. “Since I couldn’t sleep, I worked on this last night. I’m running it in tomorrow’s paper on our book page. Big headline. ‘Best-Seller to Rock Alphabet City. Writer Is Anonymous.’ For now.

“If Hank Jellicoe is within our distribution area, he’s going to see it and make his move. Hey, if nothing else, all those damn agencies are going to go nuts.”

“Now you sound like the old Maggie I know and love. Good going. You really should call out to the farm. Everyone is worried about you. By the way, Annie and Myra are planning to leave for Las Vegas this evening. You might want to check in and tell them to fly safe. Annie’s big on that, as you well know.”

“I will. Come on, I’ll walk you to the elevator. Thanks, Nikki.”

Nikki grinned. “For what? All we did was have a little girl talk.”

“Easy for you to say. I owe you for this one.”

“Okay, I’ll collect one of these days.”

Back in her office, Maggie managed to while away her time until she saw Ted settle down at his desk and turn on his computer. When she looked up again, Espinosa was doing the same thing. She waited until Ted looked in her direction. She took a long, deep breath and motioned him to come to her office. Espinosa pointed to himself, and Maggie shook her head.

“Close the door, Ted,” Maggie said quietly.

“What did I do now?” Ted asked as he hopped from one foot to the other.

“You didn’t do anything, Ted. Why do you always ask me that when I want to talk to you?”

“Well, duh. Because at these little meetings you always rag my ass. So, what is it this time? What didn’t I do to your satisfaction?” Maggie’s stomach turned sour at the expression on Ted’s face.

Maggie took another deep breath. “I don’t want you to say anything until I finish what I have to say. I’m sorry, Ted. It’s not you, it’s me. I mean that. I want to apologize to you for … for so many things. I don’t want to be engaged. I don’t want to get married. I’m … I’m just not ready for that kind of commitment. I don’t know if I ever will be. I do love you. At least I think I do. Don’t look at me like that. I’m trying to be honest here. I just feel … all twisted and frazzled and I can’t eat or sleep.

“What… what I’m trying to do right now until I can get a fix on things is to simplify my life. To pick out the areas that appear to be giving me the most angst and deal with them until I know which direction I want to go in. Just so we’re clear on this, from this point on, we’re friends. I don’t know right this minute if that means friends with benefits or not.”

Ted closed his mouth and stared at Maggie. He didn’t say a word when she held up her hand to show it was minus the ring. She reached into the drawer and took it out and handed it to Ted. “What you do with it is up to you, Ted. I can’t give you any guarantees that I will ever ask for it back. Okay, you can say something now.”

Ted fought a head rush. Now that he was officially off the marriage hook he didn’t know what he felt. “So we are officially unengaged but will maybe or maybe not be friends with benefits, which means maybe or maybe not there will be sex? Do I have that right?” he said, rubbing the ring between his fingers.

He was momentarily stunned at how cold the diamond felt in his hand. For some reason he thought the beautiful stone should feel warm and full of fire since diamonds were supposed to be a girl’s best friend and a guy’s route to the poorhouse.

“Yes, that’s what it means,” Maggie managed to say.

Ted opted for the high road. When in crisis, never let them see you sweat. He tried for a light tone and was surprised when he pulled it off. “Okay.” He suddenly felt so relieved he had another head rush. “You got my assignment sheet?”

“Right here,” Maggie said, handing the assignment sheet over. “Espinosa is with you for the day.”

Still tripping on the high road, Ted grinned and realized he wasn’t forcing it. “See ya.”

Maggie blinked, then blinked again. “Well, he took the wind out of your sails, now, didn’t he, Maggie? I should feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders,” she continued to mutter to herself. “Crap!” she said succinctly.

Maggie slid her feet out of her sneakers, fumbled under her desk for her heels, and put them on as she dialed Pinewood, spoke hesitantly at first, then more forcefully with Annie. Her sigh was so loud when she powered down after the call that she thought it could be heard all the way out to the street.
The truth will set you free.
Yeah, right. Then why wasn’t she feeling free?

Backpack in place, Maggie marched toward the door. She offered up a sloppy salute to her office as she made her way to the elevator, Ted’s and Espinosa’s eyes glued to her back. She pretended not to notice.

“Abner Tookus, here I come, like it or not.”

Forty minutes later, Maggie rang the doorbell to Abner’s loft. This was the first time she’d ever been here. She wondered why Abner had never invited her before. Maybe it was because she always suggested they meet at some out-of-the-way place or at her office at the
Post.

She looked upward when a thick cloud blotted out the sun. An omen?

“Who is it?” a female voice queried from the speaker. Maggie jerked backward. Taken by surprise, she mumbled, “Maggie Spritzer. I need to speak to Abner. It’s an emergency.”

“Hold on.”

Hold on for what, Maggie wanted to ask but wisely kept silent. When she heard the female voice again it was definitely frosty cold. “Abner said he has no interest in speaking with you. He said to tell you to go away.”

Maggie bristled but kept her cool. “Tell him I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t an emergency, and I will go away after I talk to him. Tell him if he doesn’t speak with me, I will turn him in myself and suffer the consequences.”

“Hold on.”

This time there was no dialogue, but the buzzer on the door sounded. Maggie opened the door to a dark foyer. Then a light came on, and she could hear the elevator on its way down to the ground level. She had to use all her strength to slide the thick iron gate open. Inside, she pressed a button. The elevator started to rise. She could see blinding white sunlight at the top. The cloud cover must have moved on. When she rose to the top, she again had to use all her strength to slide open the gate.

Maggie saw it all in one quick flash, the deep comfortable furniture, the shiny hardwood floors, the sparkling clean windows, the colorful art on the walls, the beautiful throw rugs, and one of the most unusual fireplaces that she’d ever seen in her life. The kitchen, what she could see of it, looked like it belonged in a magazine layout. But what stunned her the most was the snowy white cat sitting on the back of one of the chairs and a Yorkshire terrier playing with a soft red ball on one of the rugs. Abner had animals?

He came out of nowhere, his hands jammed into his jeans pockets. He offered no greeting, just stared at her.

In the whole of her life, Maggie had never been this nervous. “Just hear me out, Abner, then I’m out of here.” Her voice was so shaky she could hardly believe it was her own. Abner made no comment, he just kept staring at her.

“This is … lovely … I had no idea … and you have a dog and a cat. That’s so nice, Abner. Listen, we’re calling off the job. My boss said you can keep the money we paid you. I don’t have the words to tell you how sorry I am that I involved you. I … I have such a bad feeling you might get caught. I don’t want that to happen to you. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if you got caught. I… ah … want to apologize for all the times I… I took you for granted.

“Obviously something is wrong with me; I just don’t know what that something is. I’m working on it, so I’m at square one.” She wiggled her finger to show the absence of her engagement ring.
The truth will set you free.
“I didn’t give back the ring because of you. I gave it back because of me. I need to find myself again. And to tell you … to tell you … I do have feelings for you. I don’t know if it’s love or not. I’m starting to think I don’t even know what love is. Well, that’s all I came to say. I won’t come back, I won’t call you again, either. Don’t … ah … think too badly of me, Abner. I’m just glad I got to talk to you before … in case something happened. Bye, Abner.”

Maggie wondered if her high heels would support the short walk to the elevator. Did she really think Abner was going to wrap her in his arms and say… what? He hadn’t said a word, had stood still as a statue. His expression had been totally blank. There was no forgiveness there. Probably never would be. Her eyes burned unbearably as she used her shoulder to open the gate to the elevator. Just as it started to close, Abner’s arm snaked through the opening between the bar. He shoved a manila folder into her hand. The last thing Maggie saw was the dog and the cat and Abner and his crew staring at her. A moment later the elevator was on the way to the ground floor.