Delete This at Your Peril (11 page)

Subject: Yam

IS YAM JUST AFRICAN FOR HAM?

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From: Bob Servant

To: Frank Theplank, Joseph Udeze, Christian Bala

Subject: Appointments

Hello everyone,

Firstly, some official appointments. I think this is the best structure for you guys over there (or ‘The Recipe Boys', as I like to call you when talking to Old Joan), and us cats here in Broughty Ferry. So here's the lowdown –

Joseph Udeze - Menu Consultant

Christian Bala - Food Technician

Frank Theplank – Head Chef

Bob Servant – Owner and Inspiration/Father Figure

Old Joan – Cashier

NB Joseph Udeze and Christian Bala also can be collectively referred to as ‘The Recipe Boys'. (as long as they're OK with that)

What do you think? With this team we will not only stop traffic, as you say, but blast Archie's Pit Stop into oblivion. Send the recipes to Frank Theplank today. He will check them over. If everything is fine then I will pay you $500 each recipe and then order some more immediately. So get your thinking caps on Recipe Boys!

The cafe is now closed and undergoing refurbishment. I am going down to Homebase this afternoon to buy the foliage for the jungle theme and I'm going to pop into Remnant Kings and see if they have much in the way of animal skins.

Uncle Bob

PS Frank, yam is not ham. I will explain more this afternoon.

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From: Christian Bala

To: Bob Servant, Frank Theplank

Subject: AFRICAN MENU (The Yam Potage)

MENU NO: (1) THE YAM POTAGE,

INGREDIENTS: --- YAM, PALM OIL, CRAY FISH OR SHRIMPS, PEPPER, ONION, CENT LEAF, GREEN LEAF OR PUMPKIN LEAF, WATER LEAF, SMOKED FISH, SALT ETC.

HOW TO PREPARE YAM POTAGE:
--- PEEL YAM - CUT INTO CUBES, WASH AND PUT IN POT. ADD WATER THAT COVERS THE YAM. ADD PALM OIL AND BOIL THEN PLACE ON BURNER
(STOVE, GAS COOKER E.T.C). BOIL FOR 5 MINUTES THEN INTRODUCE SPICES SUCH AS CHOPPED ONIONS, CENT LEAF (NCHANWU) TO GIVE YAM POTAGE FLAVOR, GRINDED PEPPER AND CRAY FISH OR SHRIMPS. THEN ADD SMOKED FISH AND OTHER VEGETABLES AND BOIL UNTIL YAM IS READY FOR EATING.

HOW TO SERVE YAM POTAGE:
-- NORMALLY SERVED HOT IN TWO DIFFERENT BOWLS - BOILED YAM IN ONE PLATE WITH BROTH (SOUP) IN OTHER. A SET OF CUTLERIES (KNIFE, SPOON AND FORK) IS USED TO EAT YAM POTAGE.

ENJOY YOUR MEAL! THIS IS JUST THE TIP OF THE ICEBERG! I SHALL BE WAITING FOR YOUR COMMENTS,

CHRISTIAN BALA (CHEF).

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From: Bob Servant

To: Christian Bala, Joseph Udeze

Subject: The Yam Potage

Christian,

Thank you very much for this recipe. Frank is not working today as he trapped his foot in a drain on the way home last night and is unable to walk. With anyone else I would find this suspicious but, with Frank, I believe it. The guy is a complete fool. However, he is a good chef and I can't wait to see how he does with these recipes.

Can you please send us the other two recipes today? Then I can get Frank to cook all three tomorrow when he comes in. Once he's done that, and assuming that they are as delicious as they sound, then I will order more and pay you for the three.

I attach a photo of Frank.
¹⁷
It's important you know what the Scottish gang looks like over there at Recipe HQ. Also, I'm going to start hunting about for a lion's head. Should I get a male or female? I know the easy answer is male but sometimes I think female lions are more scary because you wouldn't expect it from them. I don't want one that's too scary though as it would be disastrous if I were to give someone a heart attack. Maybe I'll just wear a normal tracksuit with the lion's head so they realise it is not a real lion,

Bob

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From: Christian Bala

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Payment

Dear Bob,

You will be fine with male or female lion head as people will be terrified of both. Your cafe will be a big success. We are ever willing to render every services that you desired, but would not do so unprofessionally.

We have released the information on how to prepare Yam Potage as a sample of what we are capable of doing. We are also willing to release the other two menus but it is our wish to demand for at least an advance payment to proceed with the assignment which we are very willing to accomplish. Your good understanding would be highly appreciated.

Thanks,

Christian Bala

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From: Bob Servant

To: Christian Bala, Joseph Udeze

Subject: Bad news

Gentlemen,

I have bad news. Archie, that idiot, has been coming round the last couple of days and winding up Frank and myself. I take him with a pinch of salt but unfortunately Frank gets very angry with the teasing. Archie keeps tricking Frank by making him say words that he says are African but really they are just bad words spelt backwards. You know, the usual - DRATSAB, and so on.

Anyway, yesterday he really went to town on Frank when I was up at the bank sorting out some change. I came back in and Frank was wearing a lion outfit that had been superglued up the back. Archie had told him it would help him cook African food and then glued him into it. Poor Frank was absolutely roasting, still trying to make that Yam Potage but it was very hard for him as he could hardly see out the eyeholes. Also, a group of local children saw him through the window and came in and started throwing things at him.

When I arrived I saw one hit him on the head and another jab him in the bottom with a rolling pin. Actually, the guy who did that was in his late 40s. I told him I could understand the kids messing about but it was a bit much him getting involved. He apologised and said he had been attracted in from the street by the kids laughing and found himself getting sucked into the whole thing.

I managed to clear everyone out but Frank was absolutely livid. I got the suit off and he just sat there, rocking on a chair, saying ‘Pit stop, Pit stop' over and over. I didn't know what to say. I told him to take the rest of the day off and he just got up, smiled and said, ‘Goodbye Bob. I'll take care of it'. The funny thing is that he looked so peaceful when he left.

I got on with work (I've been trying to draw palm trees on the wall but they just look like big seagulls) and then a couple of hours later I heard sirens. I ran down the street just in time to see Frank dancing in the flames of what used to be ARCHIE'S PIT STOP, wearing the lion outfit.

There was nothing I could do and the police were there immediately and carted him off. As he passed me he shouted, “Say goodbye to the Recipe Boys” before they dragged him off. There was something strange about him though, and it was only when I looked closer that I noticed the lion outfit had some form of liquid all over it.

Frank was covered, you've guessed it, in Yam Potage.

Of course, there's no way I can continue with the business now. Frank was a wonderful chef and, in many ways, was also my rock. I am going to sell up and go back into window cleaning. Thank you so much for all your work, it's just lucky that it wasn't wasted.

All the very best for the future,

Bob Servant

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From: Christian Bala

To: Bob Servant

YOU ARE A STUPID MAN

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No Reply

 

14
. This pair of claims is, quite obviously, complete nonsense. Not only does the Royal Mail's Dundee East Sorting Office have no record of methylated spirits addiction, the theory that any of the postmen there would be paid using methylated spirits is entirely inaccurate and, indeed, ludicrous.

15
. Mr Udeze also provided a family photo which has been removed for legal reasons.

16
. I can only speculate that this IS a weak joke aimed at Newcastle United's 1970S Centre forward Malcolm ‘Supermac' Macdonald. The newscaster and television presenter Sir Trevor MacDonald has, quite evidently, never played professional football.

17
. This is not Frank The Plank, and no negative conclusions should be drawn about this man. If anything, he looks like a fine man.

From: Colin Jackson

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Job Offer

Good Day,

My name is Mr Colin Jackson an artist in the United Kingdom. I have been selling my art works for the last 3 years to galleries and private collectors all around the world but am always facing serious difficulties as people are always offering to pay with financial instruments that I am not familiar with.

I undergo so much difficulty in converting them to cash and am currently in search of a representative who I am willing to pay 15% each transaction. You would receive payments, convert them to cash, deduct 15% and send the remaining funds to me. If you have read and understood my offer, please indicate your willingness to work for me.

Best Regards

Colin Jackson

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From: Bob Servant

To: Colin Jackson

Subject: I would love to see your work?

Colin,

Thank you for getting in touch and for thinking of old Bobby boy for this unique proposal. You sound like a fine fellow and well done on sticking with your art. So many creative folk give up at the first hurdle and it is really heartening that you have swum against the tide. Could you possibly email me some examples of your work? I am currently looking to redecorate and maybe they could be just the ticket!

Your Servant,

Bob Servant

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From: Colin Jackson

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Here you go Bob

Hello Bob,

Thanks for getting back to me, i really appreciate you taking your time to reply to my job offer and also being interested in working with me as a business partner. I have attached a picture of my artwork as you asked, hope you will love it and it becomes my ticket lol!

Actually why I need you is as a cashier where you take out your percentage as agreed from every payment. Since you the first person to respond to my offer then I will consider you as my first choice of cashier which am going to give a trial? the information i will require from you will be

Your Full Name

Full Address

Contact Phone

Next we will talk about banking details. Hope everything is being understood here, waiting to hear from you.

Colin Jackson

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From: Bob Servant

To: Colin Jackson

Subject: You have an exceptional talent

Colin,

Thank you so much for sending that example, which is a stunning piece. I've always been a plum fan and, I must say, I had a hunch that you would be too. I love art Colin, and I always have, but it's hard being an art lover here in Broughty Ferry. Frank Theplank once told me that his favourite artist is Rolf Harris and I know for a fact that he wasn't joking. I don't have much time for Harris since he shot that dog on the telly.
¹⁸

I would love to buy some of your art Colin. There you go, I've said it. I don't have much in the house and I think that sticking a few paintings up would really brighten up the joint as well as being a big hit with any skirt that comes round.

Do you have any paintings of ships? I live right beside the river Tay and I often sit in the garden, especially in the summer, drinking cider and watch the boats messing about out there. I think it would be great to have a few boats on the walls in the house. There's another reason as well for me wanting a boat painting, to be honest, but I'm a little embarrassed to say.