Delete This at Your Peril (7 page)

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Hello!

Dear Bob!

I am very glad that you have answered my letter! It is a pity, that you have not sent me the photo. It is a problem for you? I live in city Vladivostok. Probably, you think me beautiful and think, that at me it is a lot of admirers. Yes, I shall not begin to deny it. But I do not like the Russian men, their attitude to women. I want to love and be loved. Unfortunately, I have not found it in the country. I am gentle women but I am a tiger when I am in love!

Alexandra

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From: Bob Servant

To: Alexandra

Subject: YOU LIKE THE TIGER? I LIKE THE LION!

Alex,

A tiger eh? I can certainly sympathise with anyone who has a love of large cats, being an enormous lion fan. A lion is tough, it's bloody tough, but it doesn't bully people and has a great sense of humour.

A funny thing happened to me today in Woolworth's Alex. I was walking past Geronimo McLardy the security guard, when he whispered to me –

“I don't need no brothers to do my busting, I just need the booty to do some cusping”. Do you understand, very roughly, what he was saying?

Bob

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From: Alexandra

To: Bob Servant Subject:

Subject: OK

I do not understand fully about what your friend speaks. It seems to me, that you are frivolous a man. You would like to play only? Where is your photo? What can you offer me to make me love you?

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From: Bob Servant

To: Alexandra

Subject: Chill out

Alexandra,

I apologise, let me give you a little more info. I'm Bob Servant and I am
a semi-retired window cleaner from Broughty Ferry. I gave up my round when gypsies nicked my ladders, and I suppose that looking back that was my greatest mistake. But, as you are no doubt aware, I had already done very, very well from the cheeseburger game. I have attached a photo of myself from a recent fishing trip.
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What do you think? About me, not the fish!!

Bobby Boy xx

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From: Alexandra

To: Bob Servant

Subject: A question

The fish is simply magnificent!:) and it is possible an immodest question? How old are you?

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From: Bob Servant

To: Alexandra

Subject: IT WAS A GREAT FISH AND VERY TASTY TOO!

Alexandra,

Thank you for your kind words. That is one of the largest fish I have ever caught. It nearly ripped my bloody arms out. Do you fish much? I used
to nip up to the Monikie reservoir with Frank Theplank. We had some good days. He brought the sandwiches and I brought the beers. But you know what Frank's like, not the brightest, and one time we got there and I whipped out the beers then he whipped out his Tesco bag and inside were his nephew's football boots. I was fucking raging and we never went again. I am 62 years old, but I am as fit as a fiddle.

Bob

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From: Alexandra

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Age

It is very a pity, Rob, but it seems that we are not created for one another… To me 23 years, you – 62 years. What prospects of our relations? Let's look at things really. What can you offer me? Your humour?

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From: Bob Servant

To: Alexandra

Subject: It's your call monkey face but I do like you!

Alexandra,

One thing before we continue. I see you chose to call me Rob there. I can only hope that this was a one-off as that is one thing that I simply cannot allow. I remember Tommy Peanuts telling me that Bob Wilson beat a jockey half to death live on Grandstand in the early 1980s after the jockey called him Rob
¹⁰
and I have to admit that it makes me just as mad. It's Bob or nothing Alexandra, and that's that. You are a frank woman and that is one of the things that I love about you, along with your looks and your admirable interest in big cats. I am looking for a woman, no doubt about it. My success has left me a man of leisure here in Broughty Ferry. I buy supermarket Finest meals, drink premium pints, and often go for the one-man banquet from the Peking Garden even though I will never, ever, finish it.

I have a hell of a lot of cash at my disposal Alexandra. But don't tell the taxman! I have a wonderful house, though it could certainly do with a woman's touch. And I have a fantastic voice, very smoky but also surprisingly gentle. It's your call Alexandra. What I will say is that I think you are beautiful and I am excited about our relationship. I also want children. And believe me – there is lead in this bloody pencil.

Bob x

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From: Alexandra

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Hello!

Dear Bob, never Rob!

It was very pleasant to receive from you these answers! You very interesting!

At leisure I like to look cinema. I like film “Forrest Gump “where a leading role has played Tom Hanks. It is very good film, where many various philosophical ideas and ideas. I also very much like to dance. I could learn to dance you!

If you want to write to me the letter, my full post address:
                                                  
Vladivostok, Russian Federation. I think that a meeting is necessary for us! We already can name each other good friends. I am right? I like your sense of humour. I tell my good friends about you,

Alex

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From: Bob Servant

To: Alexandra

Subject: LOOSE LIPS COST LIVES

Hello love. It is nice to hear from you but there is something very important I should tell you. Please, Alex, you cannot tell anyone about me. I work for a man called Don Cabbage. He's a bit like Don Corleone, except he's from Broughty Ferry. And his name genuinely is Don. But he's still a gangster. Some of the stuff we get up to is pretty dodgy – selling photocopied disabled parking tickets, homemade jazz mags, and Viagra ice cream (though we've not made any of that yet).

Bob

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From: Alexandra

To: Bob Servant

Subject: A secret?

Bob, OK, I understand, that you have secrets in work. I promise to nobody speak about you. But, why it is a secret? You like me more and more. Can we meet New Year together? We shall make a mad act? I can arrive to you. If the idea has liked – answer quickly and we shall discuss details. Your little monkey Alex :)

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From: Bob Servant

To: Alexandra

Subject: New Year

Alex,

Merry Christmas!
¹¹
You would like to come here, to Broughty Ferry, for New Year? My God, that would be fantastic. I'm not sure what my plans are. Stewpot's Bar is throwing in a finger buffet and a magician and Chappy Williams is having a fancy dress party so we're well covered. I'll have to tidy the house up. Alex, what is your stance on jazz mags? I have probably about 2,000 of the fuckers but I would be willing to bin them if you're going to get on your high horse about the whole thing,

Bob x

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From: Alexandra

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Yes, I do!

I want to meet New Year together with you. I have the passport and good friends in a travel company, which can issue the visa. I understand that you are on illegal position and can take cares that your name will not be mentioned.

I can take holiday for 2 months but there is a banal problem. Money. I did not plan trip now. That is I openly speak, that I have no financial opportunity. If you have an opportunity to help me with money then our meeting will be a reality and we can meet New Year together!

Your Alex

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From: Bob Servant

To: Alexandra

Subject: OPPORTUNITY AT STEWPOT'S

Alex,

I love the Christmas period, it really shakes things up. I must say, I am delighted by you wanting to come over here for New Year. I think it is a daring decision and I admire that about you Alex. You are a strong, exciting
woman who knows when to stand up for herself. You are a fighter Alex, like Rocky Balboa or Martin Luther King. You believe in freedom (your own). I'll tell you what, this old world is a hell of a lot better for having you around.

Alex, I've been thinking of what we will do when you come to live here. I am a man of means, there is absolutely no doubt about that, but I worry you'll be bored with nothing to do other than hang about with old Bob. I was thinking that perhaps you could take a part-time job? Stewpot's Bar has a note up for a lunch waitress. It would only be 12pm-3pm Monday-Saturday with Wednesday off and every other Tuesday being a 2pm finish because of the OAP domino league.

What do you think? I was in there today and mentioned to Terry Darcus the landlord that I had a Russian woman coming over to see me at New Year who might fancy the job but, you know what Terry's like, he just started laughing and walked off.

I've been working on your uniform and I've come up trumps. Nothing too revealing, I'm putting my foot down on that. The last thing I need is you flashing your bits at the boys in Stewpot's. So you can forget that right now or the whole bloody thing's off as far as I'm concerned. I was thinking a t-shirt with ‘Bob's Bird' written on the front and ‘Stop Looking' on the back?

Bob

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From: Alexandra

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Job is not problem

My Darling Bob!

I agree to work some time as the waitress. It would be amusing:) It is valid, it will help me to earn money and in training to English, you are right.

You to me are very interesting and want to see you now! But to issue the visa for such short time, additional financial assets will be necessary. It is necessary for me of 1000 euros that the visa was ready this week. I want to pay for air tickets itself. But money for the visa are necessary already tomorrow!

Yours Alex.

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From: Bob Servant

To: Alexandra

Subject: TERRY'S BEING A BASTARD

Alex,

I popped in to see Terry this morning and he said that you have to
fill in an application from. I said I'd vouch for you and he said the last person I vouched for was Frank Theplank, who he employed as a kitchen porter but had to sack after a day when Frank kept sending out meals with carrots carved into nobs. So you have to fill in the form. I tried to talk him round but you know what Terry's like. Send me back the answers as soon as possible and I'll take them in.

WHAT IS YOUR FULL NAME?

AGE?

WHY DO YOU WANT TO WORK IN STEWPOT'S?

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR BEST SKILLS ARE?

DO YOU PROMISE NOT TO CARVE CARROTS INTO NOBS?

ARE YOU HONEST?

All the best,

Bob

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From: Alexandra

To: Bob Servant

Subject: My Answers for Terry

Dear Bob!

I have just received the letter and I answer your questions.

WHAT IS YOUR FULL NAME?

My full name: the Name: Alexandra the Surname: Dadashov AGE?

My age: 25 years and 5 months:)

WHY DO YOU WANT TO WORK IN STEWPOT'S?

I want to work during my trip to you to not be to you a burden and consequently, that I like to work, communicate with people. I do not like to idle.

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR BEST SKILLS ARE?

I specialize on Russian cuisine more. But I can prepare the Italian and Mexican cuisine also.

DO YOU PROMISE NOT TO CARVE CARROTS INTO NOBS?

:)))) Certainly. But suddenly it clients will want? For me desire of the client – the law:)))

ARE YOU HONEST?

For all time of the life I tried to communicate with people fairly and to deceive nobody. For me the bitter truth is always better than sweet lie. Yes, I am fair with you 100%.

So, I hope, that have answered all your questions. Now answer you and it is maximum fast. When you can send me 1000 euros for the visa?