Delphi Complete Works of Jerome K. Jerome (Illustrated) (Series Four) (323 page)

Take off that cover.

GINGER [She still hesitates.]

JAWBONES If yer don’t do what I tell yer, I’ll ‘ide yer. I’m in the mood.

GINGER [She takes off the cover.]

JAWBONES [He seats himself and falls to.] Now pour me out a cup of tea.

GINGER [Is pouring it out.]

JAWBONES Know why yer doing it?

GINGER [With shrill indignation.] Yus. Becos yer got me ‘ere alone, yer beast, with only that cracked image of a Mrs. Chinn -

JAWBONES That’ll do.

GINGER [It is sufficient. She stops.]

JAWBONES None of your insults agen a lady as I ‘olds in ‘igh respect. The rest of it is all right. Becos I’ve got yer ‘ere alone. You wimmin, you think it’s going to pay you to chuck law and order. You’re out for a fight, are yer?

GINGER Yus, and we’re going to win. Brute force ‘as ‘ad its d’y.
It’s brains wot are going to rule the world. And we’ve got ‘em.

[She has become quite oratorical.]

JAWBONES Glad to ‘ear it. Take my tip: you’ll use ‘em.
Meanwhile I’ll ‘ave another cup o’ tea.

GINGER [She takes the cup — is making for the window.]

JAWBONES [Fierce again.] I said tea.

GINGER All right, I was only going to throw the slops out of window. There ain’t no basin.

JAWBONES I’ll tell yer when I want yer to open the window and call for the p’lice. You can throw them into the waste-paper basket.

GINGER [She obeys.]

JAWBONES Thank you. Very much obliged. One of these d’ys, maybe, you’ll marry.

GINGER When I do, it will be a man, not a monkey.

JAWBONES I’m not proposing. I’m talking to you for your good.

GINGER [Snorts.]

JAWBONES You’ve been listening to a lot of toffs. Easy enough for them to talk about wimmen not being domestic drudges. They keep a cook to do it. They don’t pity ‘e for being a down-trodden slive, spending sixteen hours a d’y in THEIR kitchen with an evening out once a week. When you marry it will be to a bloke like me, a working man . . .

GINGER Working! [She follows it with a shrill laugh.]

JAWBONES Yus. There’s always a class as laughs when you mention the word “work.” Them as knows wot it is, don’t. I’ve been at it since six o’clock this morning, carrying a ladder, a can of paste weighing twenty pounds, and two ‘undred double royal posters. You try it! When ‘e comes ‘ome, ‘e’ll want ‘is victuals. If you’ve got ’em ready for ‘im and are looking nice — no reason why you shouldn’t — and feeling amiable, you’ll get on very well together. If you are going to argue with ‘im about woman’s sphere, you’ll get the worst of it.

GINGER You always was a bully.

JAWBONES Not always. Remember last Bank ‘oliday? [He winks.]

GINGER [She tries not to give in.]

JAWBONES ‘Ave a cup of tea. [He pours it out for her.]

GINGER [The natural woman steals in — she sits.]

JAWBONES ‘Ow are they doing you, fairly well?

GINGER Oh! Well, nothing to grumble at.

JAWBONES You can do a bit o’ dressing on it.

GINGER [She meets his admiring eye. The suffragette departs.]
Dressing don’t cost much — when you’ve got tyste.

JAWBONES Wot! Not that ‘at?

GINGER Made it myself.

JAWBONES No!

GINGER Honour bright! Tell yer -

[GEOFFREY and ST. HERBERT enter. JAWBONES and GINGER make to rise.
GINGER succeeds.]

GEOFFREY All right, all right. Don’t let me disturb the party.
Where’s Mr. Sigsby?

JAWBONES Gone to look up the police, I think, sir. [Having finished, he rises.] Some of those factory girls been up to their larks again.

GEOFFREY Umph! What’s it about this time?

JAWBONES They’ve took objection to one of our posters.

GEOFFREY What, another! [To ST. HERBERT.] Woman has disappointed me as a fighter. She’s willing enough to strike. If you hit back, she’s surprised and grieved.

ST. HERBERT She’s come to the game rather late.

GEOFFREY She might have learned the rules. [To JAWBONES.] Which particular one is it that has failed to meet with their approval?

JAWBONES It’s rather a good one, sir, from our point of view:
“Why she left her ‘appy ‘ome.”

GEOFFREY I don’t seem to remember it. Have I seen it?

JAWBONES I don’t think you ‘ave, sir. It was Mr. Sigsby’s idea. On the left, the ruined ‘ome, baby crying it’s little ‘eart out — eldest child lying on the floor, scalded — upset the tea-kettle over itself — youngest boy in flames — been playing with the matches, nobody there to stop ‘im. At the open door the father, returning from work. Nothing ready for ‘im. On the other side—’ER, on a tub, spouting politics.

GEOFFREY [To ST. HERBERT.] Sounds rather good.

JAWBONES Wait a minute. There was a copy somewhere about — a proof. [He is searching for it on the desk — finds it.] Yus, ‘ere ’tis. [To GINGER.] Catch ‘old.

[JAWBONES and GINGER hold it displayed.] That’s the one, sir.

ST. HERBERT Why is the working man, for pictorial purposes, always a carpenter?

GINGER It’s the skirt we object to.

GEOFFREY The skirt! What’s wrong with the skirt?

GINGER Well, it’s only been out of fashion for the last three years, that’s all.

GEOFFREY Oh! I see. [To ST. HERBERT.] We’ve been hitting them below the belt. What do you think I ought to do about it?

ST. HERBERT What would you have thought yourself, three weeks ago?

GEOFFREY You and I have been friends ever since we were boys. You rather like me, don’t you?

ST. HERBERT [Puzzled.] Yes.

GEOFFREY If I were to suddenly hit you on the nose, what would happen?

ST. HERBERT I understand. Woman has suddenly started hitting man on the nose. Her excuse being that she really couldn’t keep her hands off him any longer.

JAWBONES [He has pinned the poster to the wall.] They begun it. To ‘ear them talk, you’d think as man had never done anything right.

GEOFFREY He’s quite right. Their posters are on every hoarding: “Who’s made all the Muddles? Man!” “Men’s Promises! Why, it’s all Froth!” “Woman this Time!” I suppose it will have to go.

JAWBONES [Hopefully.] Up, sir?

GEOFFREY No, Jawbones. Into the dust-heap with the rest.

[JAWBONES is disgusted. GINGER is triumphant.]

GEOFFREY I must talk to Sigsby. He’s taking the whole thing too seriously. It will be some time before we reach that stage. [To JAWBONES.] Ask Mrs. Chinn to bring me a cup of tea.

[JAWBONES goes out.]

[He seats himself at table and takes up some correspondence. To
GINGER.] Are you waiting for any one?

GINGER A letter from her ladyship. [She picks up from the desk and hands him the letter SIGSBY had thrown there.] Her ladyship thought you ought to be consulted.

GEOFFREY [He reads the short letter with a gathering frown — hands it across to ST. HERBERT.]

ST. HERBERT [Having read, he passes it back in silence.]

GEOFFREY [To GINGER.] Do you know the contents of this letter?

GINGER The matter has been discussed among us — informally.

GEOFFREY Tell Lady Mogton I’ll — talk to her myself on the subject.

GINGER Thank you. [She collects her etceteras.] Good afternoon.

GEOFFREY [Shortly.] Good afternoon.

GINGER [She bows graciously to ST. HERBERT, who responds. Goes out.]

GEOFFREY The devil of it is that it’s the truth.

ST. HERBERT Somebody was bound to say it, sooner or later!

GEOFFREY Yes, but one’s own wife! This is a confoundedly awkward situation.

ST. HERBERT [He comes to him, stands looking down at him.] Did it never occur to you, when you were advocating equal political rights for women, that awkward situations might arise?

GEOFFREY [He leans back in his chair.] Do you remember Tommy the Terrier, as they used to call him in the House — was always preaching Socialism?

ST. HERBERT Quite the most amusing man I ever met!

GEOFFREY And not afraid of being honest. Do you remember his answer when somebody asked him what he would do if Socialism, by any chance, really became established in England? He had just married an American heiress. He said he should emigrate. I am still convinced that woman is entitled to equal political rights with man. I didn’t think it was coming in my time. There are points in the problem remaining to be settled before we can arrive at a working solution. This is one of them. [He takes up the letter and reads.] “Are you prepared to have as your representative a person who for six months out of every year may be incapacitated from serving you?” It’s easy enough to say I oughtn’t to allow my supporters to drag in the personal element. I like it even less myself. But what’s the answer?

[JAWBONES enters with a tray.]

JAWBONES [Places tray on table.] Tea’s coming in a minute, sir.
[He is clearing away.]

GEOFFREY Never mind all that. [He hands him a slip.] Take this to the printers. Tell them I must have a proof to-night.

JAWBONES Yes, sir. [Finds his cap and goes out.]

ST. HERBERT The answer, I should say, would be that the majority of women will continue to find something better to do. The women who will throw themselves into politics will be the unattached women, the childless women. [In an instant he sees his mistake, but it is too late.]

GEOFFREY [He rises, crosses to the desk, throws into a waste- paper-basket a piece of crumpled paper that was in his hand; then turns. The personal note has entered into the discussion.] The women who WANT to be childless — what about them?

ST. HERBERT [He shrugs his shoulders.] Are there any such?

GEOFFREY There are women who talk openly of woman’s share in the general scheme being a “burden” on her — an “incubus.”

ST. HERBERT A handful of cranks. To the normal woman motherhood has always been the one supreme desire.

GEOFFREY Because children crowned her with honour. The barren woman was despised. All that is changing. This movement is adding impulse to it.

ST. HERBERT Movements do not alter instincts.

GEOFFREY But they do. Ever since man emerged from the jungle he has been shedding his instincts — shaping them to new desires. Where do you find this all-prevailing instinct towards maternity? Among the women of society, who sacrifice it without a moment’s hesitation to their vanity — to their mere pleasures? The middle- class woman — she, too, is demanding “freedom.” Children, servants, the home! — they are too much for her “nerves.” And now there comes this new development, appealing to the intellectual woman. Is there not danger of her preferring political ambition, the excitement of public life, to what has come to be regarded as the “drudgery” of turning four walls into a home, of peopling the silence with the voices of the children? [He crosses to the table- -lays his hand again upon the open letter.] How do you know that this may not be her answer—”I have no children. I never mean to have children”?

[SIGSBY enters in company with BEN LAMB, M.P. LAMB is a short, thick-set, good-tempered man.]

Ah, Lamb, how are you?

LAMB [They greet one another.] How are things going?

SIGSBY They’re not going at all well.

GEOFFREY Sigsby was ever the child of despondency.

SIGSBY Yes, and so will you be when you find yourself at the bottom of the poll.

GEOFFREY [The notion takes him by surprise.]

LAMB It’s going to be a closer affair than any of us thought.
It’s the joke of the thing that appears to have got hold of them.
They want to see what will happen.

GEOFFREY Man’s fatal curiosity concerning the eternal feminine!

SIGSBY Yes, and they won’t have to pay for it. That will be our department.

ST. HERBERT [To SIGSBY.] What do you think they’ll do, supposing by any chance Mrs. Chilvers should head the poll?

SIGSBY How do you mean—”what’ll they do?”

ST. HERBERT Do you think they’ll claim the seat?

SIGSBY Claim the seat! What do you think they’re out for — their health? Get another six months’ advertisement, if they don’t get anything else. Meanwhile what’s our position — just at the beginning of our ministerial career?

GEOFFREY They will not claim the seat.

SIGSBY How do you know?

GEOFFREY I know my wife.

LAMB [After a moment’s silence.] Quite sure you do?

GEOFFREY [Turns.]

LAMB Ever seen a sheep fighting mad? I have. Damned sight worse than the old ram.

GEOFFREY She doesn’t fight the ram.

LAMB [He makes a sweeping movement that takes in the room, the election — all things.] What’s all this? We thought woman hadn’t got the fighting instinct — that we “knew her.” My boy, we’re in the infants’ class.

SIGSBY If you want to be his Majesty’s Under-Secretary for Home
Affairs, you take my tip, guv’nor, you’ll win this election.