Delphi Complete Works of Jerome K. Jerome (Illustrated) (Series Four) (319 page)
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Authors: Jerome K. Jerome
AN IMPROBABLE COMEDY
CONTENTS
THE CAST OF “THE MASTER OF MRS. CHILVERS”
THE CAST OF “THE MASTER OF MRS. CHILVERS”
AS IT WAS PRODUCED AT THE ROYALTY THEATRE, LONDON, ON APRIL 26TH, 1911, UNDER THE MANAGEMENT OF MESSRS. VEDRENNE & EADIE.
Lady Mogton Mary Rorke
Annys Chilvers Lena Ashwell
Phoebe Mogton Ethel Dane
Janet Blake Gillian Scaife
Mrs. Mountcalm Villiers Sarah Brooke
Elizabeth Spender Auriol Lee
Rose Merton Esme Beringer
Mrs. Chinn Sydney Fairbrother
Geoffrey Chilvers, M.P. Dennis Eadie
Dorian St. Herbert Leon Quartermaine
Ben Lamb, M.P. A. E. Benedict
William Gordon Edmund Gwenn
Sigsby Michael Sherbrooke
Hake H. B. Tabberer
Mr. Peekin Gerald Mirrielees
Mr. Hopper Stanley Logan
Mrs. Peekin Rowena Jerome
Miss Borlasse Cathleen Nesbitt
Miss Ricketts Hetta Bartlett
CHARACTERS IN THE PLAY
GEOFFREY CHILVERS, M.P. [President Men’s League for the Extension of the Franchise to Women] A loving husband, and (would-be) affectionate father. Like many other good men, he is in sympathy with the Woman’s Movement: “not thinking it is coming in his time.”
ANNYS CHILVERS [nee Mogton, Hon. Sec. Women’s Parliamentary Franchise League] A loving wife, and (would-be) affection mother. Many thousands of years have gone to her making. A generation ago, she would have been the ideal woman: the ideal helpmeet. But new ideas are stirring in her blood, a new ideal of womanhood is forcing itself upon her.
LADY MOGTON [President W.P.F.L.] She knows she would be of more use in Parliament than many of the men who are there; is naturally annoyed at the Law’s stupidity in keeping her out.
PHOEBE MOGTON [Org. Sec. W.P.F.L.] The new girl, thinking more of politics than of boys. But that will probably pass.
JANET BLAKE [Jt. Org. Sec. W.P.F.L.] She dreams of a new heaven and a new earth when woman has the vote.
MRS. MOUNTCALM VILLIERS [Vice-President W.P.F.L.] She was getting tired of flirting. The Woman’s Movement has arrived just at the right moment.
ELIZABETH SPENDER [Hons. Treas. W.P.F.L.] She sees woman everywhere the slave of man: now pampered, now beaten, but ever the slave. She can see no hope of freedom but through warfare.
MRS. CHINN A mother.
JAWBONES A bill-poster. Movements that do not fit in with the essentials of life on thirty shillings a week have no message so far as Jawbones is concerned.
GINGER Whose proper name is Rose Merton, and who has to reconcile herself to the fact that so far as her class is concerned the primaeval laws still run.
DORIAN ST. HERBERT [Hon. Sec. M.L.E.F.W.] He is interested in all things, the Woman’s Movement included.
BEN LAMB, M.P. As a student of woman, he admits to being in the infants’ class.
SIGSBY An Election Agent. He thinks the modern woman suffers from over-indulgence. He would recommend to her the teachings of St. Paul.
HAKE A butler. He does not see how to avoid his wife being practically a domestic servant without wages.
A DEPUTATION It consists of two men and three women. Superior people would call them Cranks. But Cranks have been of some service to the world, and the use of superior people is still to be discovered.
THE FIRST ACT
SCENE:- Drawing-room, 91, Russell Square.
TIME:- Afternoon.
[MRS. ELIZABETH SPENDER sits near the fire, reading a book. She is a tall, thin woman, with passionate eyes, set in an oval face of olive complexion; the features are regular and severe; her massive dark hair is almost primly arranged. She wears a tailor-made costume, surmounted by a plain black hat. The door opens and PHOEBE enters, shown in by HAKE, the butler, a thin, ascetic- looking man of about thirty, with prematurely grey hair. PHOEBE MOGTON is of the Fluffy Ruffles type, petite, with a retrousse nose, remarkably bright eyes, and a quantity of fluffy light hair, somewhat untidily arranged. She is fashionably dressed in the fussy, flyaway style. ELIZABETH looks up; the two young women shake hands.]
PHOEBE Good woman. ’Tisn’t three o’clock yet, is it?
ELIZABETH About five minutes to.
PHOEBE Annys is on her way. I just caught her in time. [To HAKE.] Put a table and six chairs. Give mamma a hammer and a cushion at her back.
HAKE A hammer, miss?
PHOEBE A chairman’s hammer. Haven’t you got one?
HAKE I’m afraid not, miss. Would a gravy spoon do?
PHOEBE [To ELIZABETH, after expression of disgust.] Fancy a house without a chairman’s hammer! [To HAKE.] See that there’s something. Did your wife go to the meeting last night?
HAKE [He is arranging furniture according to instructions.] I’m not quite sure, miss. I gave her the evening out.
PHOEBE “Gave her the evening out”!
ELIZABETH We are speaking of your wife, man, not your servant.
HAKE Yes, miss. You see, we don’t keep servants in our class.
Somebody’s got to put the children to bed.
ELIZABETH Why not the man — occasionally?
HAKE Well, you see, miss, in my case, I rarely getting home much before midnight, it would make it so late. Yesterday being my night off, things fitted in, so to speak. Will there be any writing, miss?
PHOEBE Yes. See that there’s plenty of blotting-paper. [To
ELIZABETH.] Mamma always splashes so.
HAKE Yes, miss. [He goes out.]
ELIZABETH Did you ever hear anything more delightfully naive? He “gave” her the evening out. That’s how they think of us — as their servants. The gentleman hasn’t the courage to be straightforward about it. The butler blurts out the truth. Why are we meeting here instead of at our own place?
PHOEBE For secrecy, I expect. Too many gasbags always about the office. I fancy — I’m not quite sure — that mamma’s got a new idea.
ELIZABETH Leading to Holloway?
PHOEBE Well, most roads lead there.
ELIZABETH And end there — so far as I can see.
PHOEBE You’re too impatient.
ELIZABETH It’s what our friends have been telling us — for the last fifty years.
PHOEBE Look here, if it was only the usual sort of thing mamma wouldn’t want it kept secret. I’m inclined to think it’s a new departure altogether.
[The door opens. There enters JANET BLAKE, followed by HAKE, who proceeds with his work. JANET BLAKE is a slight, fragile-looking creature, her great dark eyes — the eyes of a fanatic — emphasise the pallor of her childish face. She is shabbily dressed; a plain, uninteresting girl until she smiles, and then her face becomes quite beautiful. PHOEBE darts to meet her.] Good girl. Was afraid — I say, you’re wet through.
JANET It was only a shower. The ‘buses were all full. I had to ride outside.
PHOEBE Silly kid, why didn’t you take a cab?
JANET I’ve been reckoning it up. I’ve been half over London chasing Mrs. Mountcalm-Villiers. Cabs would have come, at the very least, to twelve-and-six.
PHOEBE Well -
JANET [To ELIZABETH.] Well — I want you to put me down as a contributor for twelve-and-six. [She smiles.] It’s the only way I can give.
PHOEBE [She is taking off JANET’S cloak; throws it to HAKE.] Have this put somewhere to dry. [She pushes JANET to the fire.] Get near the fire. You’re as cold as ice.
ELIZABETH All the seats inside, I suppose, occupied by the chivalrous sex.
JANET Oh, there was one young fellow offered to give me up his place, but I wouldn’t let him. You see, we’re claiming equality. [Smiles.]
ELIZABETH And are being granted it — in every direction where it works to the convenience of man.
PHOEBE [Laughs.] Is she coming — the Villiers woman?
JANET Yes. I ran her down at last — at her dress-maker’s. She made an awful fuss about it, but I wouldn’t leave till she’d promised. Tell me, it’s something quite important, isn’t it?
PHOEBE I don’t know anything, except that I had an urgent telegram from mamma this morning to call a meeting of the entire Council here at three o’clock. She’s coming up from Manchester on purpose. [To HAKE.] Mrs. Chilvers hasn’t returned yet, has she?
HAKE Not yet, miss. Shall I telephone -
PHOEBE [Shakes her head.] No; it’s all right. I have seen her.
Let her know we are here the moment she comes in.
HAKE Yes, miss. [He has finished the arrangements. The table has been placed in the centre of the room, six chairs round it, one of them being a large armchair. He has placed writing materials and a large silver gravy spoon. He is going.]
PHOEBE Why aren’t you sure your wife wasn’t at the meeting last night? Didn’t she say anything?
HAKE Well, miss, unfortunately, just as she was starting, Mrs. Comerford — that’s the wife of the party that keeps the shop downstairs — looked in with an order for the theatre.
PHOEBE Oh!
HAKE So I thought it best to ask no questions.
PHOEBE Thank you.
HAKE Thank you, miss. [He goes out.]
ELIZABETH Can nothing be done to rouse the working-class woman out of her apathy?
PHOEBE Well, if you ask me, I think a good deal has been done.
ELIZABETH Oh, what’s the use of our deceiving ourselves? The great mass are utterly indifferent.
JANET [She is seated in an easy-chair near the fire.] I was talking to a woman only yesterday — in Bethnal Green. She keeps a husband and three children by taking in washing. “Lord, miss,” she laughed, “what would we do with the vote if we did have it? Only one thing more to give to the men.”
PHOEBE That’s rather good.
ELIZABETH The curse of it is that it’s true. Why should they put themselves out merely that one man instead of another should dictate their laws to them?
PHOEBE My dear girl, precisely the same argument was used against the Second Reform Bill. What earthly difference could it make to the working men whether Tory Squire or Liberal capitalist ruled over them? That was in 1868. To-day, fifty-four Labour Members sit in Parliament. At the next election they will hold the balance.
ELIZABETH Ah, if we could only hold out THAT sort of hope to them!
[ANNYS enters. She is in outdoor costume. She kisses PHOEBE, shakes hands with the other two. ANNYS’s age is about twenty-five. She is a beautiful, spiritual-looking creature, tall and graceful, with a manner that is at the same time appealing and commanding. Her voice is soft and caressing, but capable of expressing all the emotions. Her likeness to her younger sister PHOEBE is of the slightest: the colouring is the same, and the eyes that can flash, but there the similarity ends. She is simply but well dressed. Her soft hair makes a quiet but wonderfully effective frame to her face.]
ANNYS [She is taking off her outdoor things.] Hope I’m not late.
I had to look in at Caxton House. Why are we holding it here?
PHOEBE Mamma’s instructions. Can’t tell you anything more except that I gather the matter’s important, and is to be kept secret.
ANNYS Mamma isn’t here, is she?
PHOEBE [Shakes her head.] Reaches St. Pancras at two-forty.
[Looks at her watch.] Train’s late, I expect.
[HAKE has entered.]
ANNYS [She hands HAKE her hat and coat.] Have something ready in case Lady Mogton hasn’t lunched. Is your master in?
HAKE A messenger came for him soon after you left, ma’am. I was to tell you he would most likely be dining at the House.
ANNYS Thank you.
[HAKE goes out.]
ANNYS [To ELIZABETH.] I so want you to meet Geoffrey. He’ll alter your opinion of men.
ELIZABETH My opinion of men has been altered once or twice — each time for the worse.
ANNYS Why do you dislike men?
ELIZABETH [With a short laugh.] Why does the slave dislike the slave-owner?
PHOEBE Oh, come off the perch. You spend five thousand a year provided for you by a husband that you only see on Sundays. We’d all be slaves at that price.