Delphi Complete Works of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle (Illustrated) (1043 page)

OFFICERS. Maidens, maidens, your reply we wait.

GIRLS.
 
Hey, dear, this must be our answer!

GIRLS cross over to STUDENTS.

STUDENTS. Maidens, you are wise in turning

Thus to those who most impress you;

You shall list to words of learning

From these lips which now caress you.

(Kiss them.)

OFFICERS. Maidens, all their vows are idle.

Here to you our hands we proffer;

Fresh from sword-hilt and from bridle,

Here they are, and all on offer.

(Offer their hands.)

STUDENTS. Maidens, maidens, do not hesitate.

GIRLS.
 
Hey, dear, we gave you both our answer!

OFFICERS. Maidens, maidens, what shall be our fate.

GIRLS.
 
Hey, dear, we much prefer the Lancer!

GIRLS cross over and join OFFICERS. Music continues softly

through following dialogue.

A STUD. But this is absurd! We are all very distinguished men,

or shall be some day. And then we are journalists, and

can describe your dresses in the papers.

GIRLS. Oh! (Cross over to STUDENTS.)

JACK.
 
But we shave twice a day.

A STUD. Why, there is not of us who could not read Theocritus

in the original.

JACK.
 
But we are to give a dance next week.

MILLY. Oh, you dear things, how nice of you! (Cross to

OFFICERS.)

Dance. All exeunt except JACK.

JACK.
 
And now to find Bab.

Enter TOM.

TOM. I can’t see my Bab anywhere. (Sees JACK.) Hullo!

JACK.
 
That fellow here!

TOM
 
(shortly). How are you?

JACK (shortly). H’are you?

TOM
 
(after a pause). Very warm day.

JACK.
 
Cold.

TOM. Cad!

JACK.
 
What do you want here?

TOM. Private business.

JACK.
 
Let us be plain with one another. How could you, a

beggarly Press Student, support a wife?

TOM. How could you, a beggarly lieutenant?

JACK.
 
But I am also a novelist — at least I’ve — I’ve

bought a pound of sermon paper. Haw!

TOM. Well, I am also a dramatist. Why, I have a completed

play in my pocket.

JACK.
 
And a very good place for it too. Haw!

TOM. What is more, it has a strong literary flavour.

JACK.
 
Don’t be afraid of that. They’ll knock it out in

rehearsal. Haw!

TOM. Nonsense. It’s most original also.

JACK.
 
That’ll damn it.

TOM. Originality damn a play! Why?

JACK.
 
Because ours are a healthy-minded public, sir, and they

won’t stand it. Haw!

TOM. It’s an Ibsenite play.

JACK.
 
Then why not produce it at the Independent Theatre?

TOM. I did.

JACK.
 
Well?

TOM. And it promised to be a great success; but,

unfortunately, just when the leading man has to say,

“What a noble apartment is this,” the nail came out and

the apartment fell into the fireplace.

Enter CADDIE and BAB. They walk back and forwards as before.

JACK (amazed). Bab!

BAB. Oh, Jack! Oh, Tom!

CADDIE. Silence!

JACK.
 
What does this mean?

BAB. I am a prisoner, he is giving me an airing.

CADDIE. Silence!

JACK (drawing his sword). Promise not to interfere, or I

shall run you through, by the bones of my ancestors!

CADDIE (aiming a catapult at him). Advance another step and

you are a dead man, so help my bob!

JACK is discomfited, but TOM seizes CADDIE from behind, and they

get him to the ground.

JACK.
 
Promise!

CADDIE. I gives in! You have my word of honour! It’s your hole.

(Mimicking JACK.) Haw! (Exit CADDIE followed by TOM.)

JACK.
 
My precious! The gates are locked, but we can cross the

river.

BAB. I have been thinking that — I’m not sure whether it is

you or Tom I prefer.

JACK.
 
That is awkward.

BAB. Before I decide I want to ask you both two questions.

JACK.
 
What are they?

BAB. First, why did my heart beat so violently last night?

JACK.
 
It was because — because I am so worthy of its love.

Haw!

BAB
 
(aside). H’m! Vanity!

JACK (aside). Good answer I think. Hope I shall get round

her wealthy papa as easily.

BAB. Second, will you still love me when I am old and

wrinkled?

JACK (aside). I question it. (Aloud.) Don’t talk of anything

so unpleasant, dear. Let us try to think that we shall

always be young and handsome.

BAB
 
(aside). I don’t like that answer.

JACK (aside). I flatter myself I got out of that bunker very

neatly.

TOM re-enters.

BAB. Now go, while I ask Tom.

JACK (aside). She’s mine! Haw! Haw! (Exit.)

DUET. — BAB and TOM.

BAB.
  
Last night when we were forced to part

I heard a pit-a-pat

Upon the window of my heart —

Tom, tell me what was that?

Oh, tell me true,

For I’m a little maid,

Of all the world afraid.

TOM.
  
‘Twas my heart which would entrance win,

‘Twas ‘neath the window hiding,

You raised the sash, and said “Come in,”

And there it’s now residing.

BAB.
  
Tom, will your love grow cold to me

When silvered is my hair?

Or do you make believe that we

Shall aye be young and fair?

Oh, tell me true,

For I’m a little maid,

Of all the world afraid.

TOM.
  
Eternal youth’s for no one here,

That secret’s to discover;

But when you’re old and grey, my dear,

I still will be your lover.

BOTH.
   
I’ve/He’s told her/me true

This little maid

No longer is afraid.

Come joy or strife,

Come weal or woe,

Sunshine or stormy weather,

As man and wife

We’ll face the foe,

And face him thus together.

TOM. Oh, Bab — you will be my wife?

BAB. Yes, if you want me very, very much, Tom.

Enter BULLDOGS and PROCTOR softly R. TOM sees them and flies L.

BULLDOGS rush after him and exeunt.

BAB. Oh! (Jumps into PROCTOR’s arms.) Saved!

PROCTOR.
 
Caught, you mean.

BAB. No, saved.

PROCTOR.
 
Eh, what? I don’t understand.

BAB. I was only going with him because he promised to take

me to you.

PROCTOR.
 
To me?

BAB. Oh, I feel so safe now that I have reached you — you

are so solid and satisfying, like a great plum pudding,