Delphi Complete Works of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle (Illustrated) (1045 page)

CADDIE begins to undress.

JACK.
 
What is he doing?

TOM. The key must be concealed about his person.

BAB. This is becoming improper.

TOM. Wait a moment. (To CADDIE.) Caddie, where is the key?

CADDIE whispers to him. TOM whistles and whispers to JACK, who

rubs his hands gleefully.)

BAB. Tom, do something with him at once!

TOM
 
(primly). If Caddie will retire with me to some

secluded spot for a few moments I shall return with the

key.

Exeunt TOM and CADDIE.

BAB. Good-bye, Jane Annie, dear.

JANE A. But I am coming with you.

BAB. You?

JANE A. Yes, and so is Jack.

JACK.
 
Not I.

JANE A. Silly boy, yes, you are. Tom is eloping with Bab, and

you are eloping with me.

JACK.
 
I’ll see you far enough first.

JANE A. Isn’t he shy?

TOM
 
(entering). The key!

BAB. Jane Annie proposes that she and Jack should come with

us.

TOM. But the carriage will seat only two.

JANE A. Well, that won’t matter.

BAB. Won’t it? (JANE ANNIE chuckles.) Oh Tom! Jane Annie and

I see no difficulty.

TIM. How? (He and JACK chuckle.) Do you agree?

JACK.
 
If you will exchange girls. Haw!

TOM. Never!

BAB. Come, Tom.

JANE A. Come, Jack, and make it a foursome.

JACK.
 
This girl terrifies me. I’ll bolt. (Exit.)

JANE A. Come back. (To TOM.) Don’t go without us. (Exit.)

BAB. Now let us fly at once.

TOM. Would it not be a little shabby?

BAB. Not in the least.

Bell begins to toll.

BAB. We are betrayed.

TOM. It is Jack — the villain — I see him.

BAB. Quick, we have time yet.

They are going to the boat-house. CADDIE appears.

CADDIE. Back! (They run L. Enter MISS SIMS, L.)

MISS S. Back! (They run R. Enter JACK, R.)

JACK.
 
Back!

The GIRLS, STUDENTS, and OFFICERS rush on.

MISS S. Seize them! (JACK seizes TOM, and CADDIE seizes BAB.)

TOM. Infamous!

JANE A. It isn’t his hole yet! (Hypnotizes MISS SIMS.)

BAB. She is hypnotized!

ALL. Oh, wonderful!

JANE A. Now, see what I shall make her do.

SEXTET. — JANE ANNIE, MISS SIMS, BAB, PROCTOR, JACK, and TOM.

JANE ANNIE. You’re now a sentimental maid,

The little god caressing,

Dear mistress, we can’t have it said

We went without your blessing.

JANE ANNIE, BAB, TOM, and JACK kneel, JANE ANNIE forcing JACK to

do so.

QUARTET.
 
We’re kneeling, sentimental maid,

A-waiting for your blessing.

ALL.
  
We hear with wonder what they’ve said,

But will she give her blessing?

MISS S.
 
I’m now a sentimental thing,

And hear with pride and joy,

The news, which you two darlings bring,

That each has found a boy.

Elope, my dears? Why, certainly,

‘Tis every schoolgirl’s mission,

And tell your parents you had my

Approval and permission.

ALL.
  
Their conduct’s praised, we are amazed,

Miss Sims doth sympathize.

Now let us sing of this wonderful thing,

With a hyp-hyp-hypnotize!

PROCTOR rushes in from arbour with seat tied to him.

PROCTOR.
 
Stop! Though this Bab has used me ill —

BAB.
  
Oh, how I wish I’d shot him!

PROCTOR.
 
My triumph’s coming now —

TOM.
  
Stand still!

STUDENTS get Kodaks ready.

PROCTOR.
 
Eh, what?

TOM.
  
All ready? (Click.) Got him.

JANE ANNIE hypnotizes PROCTOR.

JANE ANNIE.
You’re now a somewhat soft old boy,

Whate’er the consequences,

Be yours the privilege and joy

To pay all our expenses.

QUARTET.
 
We’re kneeling, somewhat soft old boy,

Requesting our expenses.

ALL.
  
Now is he such a soft old boy

That he’ll pay their expenses?

PROCTOR.
 
I’m now a very soft old boy, (Hear, hear.)

Elopements are my passion,

So with delight without alloy

I’ll help you in this fashion.

It’s sometimes said that gold’s a curse. (No, no!)

And love the only candy,

But, Tom, to you I give my purse —

I think you’ll find it handy.
 
(Cheers.)

ALL.
  
Tho’ love is honey, they’ve taken the money,

And he doth sympathize;

With this strange thing, his college will ring,

With a hyp-hyp-hypnotize!

Dance. TOM and BAB go in boat.

JANE A. (to MISS SIMS). Now go and be a tea-pot. (To PROCTOR).

And you are an escape of gas.

JACK.
 
I wish I was well out of this.

JANE A. Come, Jack.

JACK.
 
I refuse.

JANE A. (hypnotizes him). You are my lover!

JACK.
 
Darling! (He goes to boat.)

JANE A. I took that whole in two!

JANE ANNIE joins the others in boat. All wave handkerchiefs.

PROCTOR.
 
Hyp-hyp-hyp-

CHORUS. -notize!

MISS S. Another!

CHORUS. Hyp-hyp-hypnotize!

PROCTOR.
 
One more!

CHORUS. Hyp-hyp-hypnotize!

JANE A. (from boat). Now, old things, wake up!

Exit boat. MISS SIMS and PROCTOR wake up.

BULLDOGS enter excitedly.

MISS S. What is this?

PROCTOR.
 
Who is in that boat?

MILLY. It’s Bab and Jane Annie going away to be married.

MISS S. What?

CADDIE (rushing on). I can’t stand it! I can’t stand it! Man

and boy I’ve been here eighteen months, and I never

thought to see such goings on as this. I gives a

month’s warning from to-day.

The carriage is seen crossing.

MILLY. The carriage! There they go!

FINALE
.

MILLY. The moral of this story is —

GIRLS. You mustn’t do this, you mustn’t do this;

MILLY. Or to express it still more pat —

GIRLS. You mustn’t do that, you mustn’t do that.

MISS SIMS.
 
You’ve learned it now without a hitch —

MEN.
  
We mustn’t do what, we mustn’t do which?

MISS SIMS.
 
Well, you have learned it, have you not?

MEN.
  
We mustn’t do which, we mustn’t do what?

PROCTOR.
 
The moral I will now explain,

Just wait while I expound it;