Denial (46 page)
There was a big, yellow sun in the early evening sky. Amy stood by the window in Celeste’s hospital room, entranced. For a while she watched it before an involuntary shudder passed through her. She realized that its size and color was reminiscent of the sun in her dreams of Maggie. She turned when she heard a slight moan and moved quickly toward the bed.
Looking down at Celeste, Amy waited for a moment to make sure she was asleep before flexing her fingers and laying them gently on her chest. She smiled faintly, reassured by the strong rhythmic beat of Celeste’s heart.
Even though Celeste had barely been conscious over the last few days, whenever she had a moment alone, Amy would stand like this, desperately needing to reassure herself through physical contact that she was indeed going to pull through.
When Celeste stirred, Amy removed her hand quickly, registering the loss of warmth.
“Amy,” Celeste rasped in surprise when her eyes fluttered open.
“Hi,” Amy replied. She reached for the jug of water at Celeste’s bedside. “Would you like some?” she asked, trying to sound as normal as possible.
Celeste tried to nod.
Amy poured some water then placed a straw in the glass. She held it to Celeste’s mouth. “Here.”
Celeste managed a few sips. “Thanks,” she replied, her eyes closing.
Aware of how much that small effort took, Amy watched Celeste for a while.
“How long,” Celeste asked weakly, opening her eyes. “How long have you been here?”
Grateful that she hadn’t asked why she had come, Amy leaned in. “I got here as soon as I could,” she replied. “You’ve barely been awake since the operation.”
Amy watched Celeste’s eyelids flutter shut. Over these last few days, Celeste had only been vaguely aware of her surroundings.
Celeste’s eyes opened, and Amy was very grateful that Camille had ensured that no one would be visiting this evening.
The last few days had been extremely difficult, not only because of the seriousness of Celeste’s injuries, but because Josh sought an explanation from Amy as soon as Celeste was out of danger. He wanted to know everything, where she had been all these years, and more importantly, why she had left.
Their meeting was hard. Josh pulled no punches, wanting to meet at the graveside where their sons were buried. Amy closed her eyes, remembering. It was no surprise that he had been difficult. What else could she expect? She had left the man at his lowest point. Did she really deserve anything less?
The visit to the graveside had been upsetting enough, but that day Amy could only describe Josh as hostile. He grilled her, wanting to know exactly why she was here, and why the sudden interest in Celeste.
Before meeting Josh that day, Amy decided that if he insisted she would tell him about Celeste. It was a risk, a dangerous one, but she knew Josh. He would push her until he got the answers he wanted. Instinctively, Amy knew that, in order to give her and Celeste a chance, she needed to put a stake in the ground. There was no room for deceit in their life any more, no matter what the fallout. She decided, if forced, she would say that they had met up recently and that their relationship had progressed into something more.
Josh pushed hard that day, question after question about why she disappeared. Wanting to know why she was here now. To say he reacted badly when she finally told him why she was here now would be an understatement. Josh wasn’t a violent man, but sitting in the diner, she watched him battle for control.
The look of rage that crossed his face would stay with Amy forever. Every emotion showed as he stared at her for the longest time. Then, without a word, he scraped his chair back, stood and left. They hadn’t spoken since.
Wanting the familiar contact she had a few moments ago, Amy reached out and gently laid a hand on top of Celeste’s. She said with some relief, “I can’t tell you how wonderful it is to know that you’re going to be okay.” A tremor ran through her hand. “I’ve been so worried. I—” Amy stopped when Celeste frowned. Remembering that she had agreed with Alex, to Colin’s annoyance, that Celeste might not be strong enough to hear what she had to say, she finished softly. “I’m so glad you’re going to get better.” She tightened her grip slightly before letting go of Celeste’s hand.
Amy smiled and, to stop from saying too much, clasped her hands together.
Celeste watched Amy.
After Amy arrived Colin had blocked all offers from Camille and Irene that she should stay with them, insisting she pitch up at their house with the children. Over the last few days, he and Alex had squabbled incessantly about the situation. For some strange reason Amy drew comfort from their bickering. There was no doubt they loved Celeste deeply, and if anything, their debating brought out the practicalities of the situation.
Colin had decided that it would be best for Amy to move back to the States, back where she belonged. Alex would counter about the level of acceptance. Surely, the Cameron family wouldn’t just roll over and welcome the new situation with open arms? And what about the fallout with Josh? But Colin would allow no obstacle in his way. Generally, after much dialogue and disagreement around the subject, the discussions would eventually settle on Celeste and Amy’s future…
together
.
“Do you need anything?” Amy asked, shaking herself mentally.
Celeste shook her head.
“Do you remember what happened?”
Celeste closed her eyes briefly before focusing on Amy. “Only what I was told this morning.”
Amy downplayed Celeste’s injuries and tried to sound optimistic. “So you’ll be pleased to know that you’re missing a spleen and have a few broken bones.”
Celeste smiled weakly.
“What a way to get my attention,” Amy teased. “There were a few touch and go moments in the operating theater but five pints of blood and a splenectomy had you sorted.”
Celeste raised an eyebrow and winced as she tried to move. “Tell that to my poor body.”
Going into automatic mode Amy helped Celeste find a better position. “Being a nurse has its moments.” Gently, she tucked dark strands of hair behind Celeste’s ear and smiled. She added suggestively, “You get to help gorgeous damsels in distress.”
Celeste looked at Amy in surprise, then said with a note of curiosity, “Is that so?” She watched through heavy lids as Amy’s color heightened dramatically.
Amy caught her breath when Celeste’s eyes absorbed her. Not able to hold back any longer, she whispered, “I love you.”
Celeste looked at Amy. “I know,” she replied tenderly.
Amy’s heart almost broke open when Celeste whispered. “I’ve always known.”
“Can you forgive me?”
Celeste looked at Amy, her hazel-green eyes clear of any troubled thoughts. “There is nothing to forgive.”
Not surprised that there was no hurt ego to overcome with this woman, Amy bowed her head, aware that she should take a lesson from how quickly Celeste forgave.
“We need to talk, Amy,” Celeste said, struggling to keep her eyes open. “But I can’t seem to focus right now,” she murmured as they closed.
Aware that Celeste was exhausted, Amy reassured her, “We’ll talk soon. Just go to sleep. I’ll be here when you wake up.”
Celeste opened her eyes quickly and, looking at Amy, asked, “Promise?”
Amy smiled indulgently. Reaching out, she took Celeste’s hand and squeezed it gently. “I promise.”
Amy bit back a smile.
Celeste’s eyelids drooped, but like a stubborn child she fought them when they closed. “You promise you’ll be here when I wake?” she asked through heavy lids.
“I promise, I’ll always be here for you.”
Eighteen Months later
Celeste frowned. It was her father’s birthday today and they were attending his party. Daniel and Naomi had already left with Kate and her children. She yelled up the stairs. “Are you ready yet?”
No response.
Celeste easily bounded up stairs. Smiling at the top, she was pleased that all her recent hard work was paying off. Although her physician had released her several months after her accident, it had taken her until now to fully recover her physical fitness.
She opened the bedroom door and entered. Amy had changed out of her outfit and was standing in her underwear in front of the mirror gently rubbing her stomach.
Celeste’s heart skipped a beat. She smiled and moved to stand behind Amy. Putting her arms around her, she pulled her close.
“No, I’m not ready!” Amy said. Her bottom lip trembled. “I can’t find anything to wear because I’m massive!”
Lovingly, Celeste rubbed Amy’s stomach. She looked at her in the mirror. “You’re only five months pregnant. You’re far from massive.” She smiled at Amy’s reflection and kissed the top of her head. She loved every minute of her partner’s pregnancy.
Amy leaned into Celeste. She pointed to her clothes strewn about. “But can’t you see? I am! I can’t find anything to wear!” She lifted her eyebrows and looked at Celeste. Wanting attention, she pouted, and with the biggest blue-eyed expression she could muster said, “All my clothes are too wee!”
Smiling patiently, Celeste looked down at Amy, then at their reflection.
Amy looked at the mirror then put her hands over Celeste’s, and together they rubbed her stomach.
Celeste sighed, enjoying the intimacy.
Amy tilted her head back so Celeste could kiss her.
Celeste gently pulled Amy’s hair aside and kissed down her neck. Eager to feel the reassuring weight of her increasingly heavy breasts, she sneakily unclipped her bra.
“Hey,” Amy protested. “I know exactly what you’re up to.” She tried to slap Celeste’s hands away. “Not now,” she said, laughing. “Celeste, we have to go. You have to help me find something to wear!”
Celeste turned Amy to face her and kissed her deeply.
Aware that it might be quite a while before they arrived at the barbecue, Amy closed her eyes and surrendered completely to Celeste.
†
No sooner had they arrived at Celeste’s parents’ than Camille was over, patting Amy’s stomach and commenting on how good she looked. Amy smiled at Camille but it was evident she was distracted. She gave Camille the briefest answers to her questions about the baby as she busily watched Fraser take food off the grill. As soon as he had finished, she excused herself. “Time to feed the baby elephant,” she said, patting her stomach. And before anyone could say anything, Amy made a beeline for the food.
Camille laughed and watched Amy pile food onto her plate. She looked at Celeste and asked, “Are you not feeding her enough
, Chéri
?”
Celeste grinned and said with a note of astonishment, “Mom, she can hear a sweet wrapper rustle from four hundred yards. She even munches on the kids’ leftovers after every evening meal.” She didn’t tell her mother that she was never hungrier than when they made love. “Do you know she asked me for a slice of pizza while she was having her bath this morning? It was just after nine!” Celeste elaborated, “And she hates pizza.”
“So, she likes pizza now too, hmmm.”
Celeste stiffened when Josh stood beside them. Although, she was beginning to tire of his innuendos she forced herself to bite back her comment. She knew how hard it was for him to come to terms with the fact that she and Amy were together. She could still hardly believe it herself. When she fully regained consciousness, which was almost a week after the accident, the first clear memory was of looking into Amy’s blue eyes. She was stunned when Amy had wrapped her arms around her and for the longest time told her how much she loved and needed her in her life.
Celeste’s eyes narrowed when Josh smirked, and for the first time she retaliated. “What are you trying to say, Josh, that she never used to like being with a woman either?”
Camille frowned anxiously at them, then quickly moved off toward the children, clearly intending to move them out of the way should the tension increase. Celeste understood that her mother was afraid of a confrontation, but she was also aware that one was long overdue.
Josh grimaced as he looked at Amy. He eyed Celeste for a long moment before sneering and moving away.
Celeste watched him, then released her breath slowly and wondered if it was just a matter of time before he blew?
Or is this it? Is this the way it’s always going to be? Is this the way he wants it, so he can always carry his grievance card to play his hand whenever he decides?
Celeste shook her head, aware that she genuinely didn’t know if he would ever be able to move past this. Obviously, he had not taken the news that she and Amy were together well. He had refused, unless absolutely necessary, to have any contact with them. He only agreed to be in their company on specific occasions, such as today, to appease their parents. All other visits had to be well organized to ensure that there would be no accidental contact with either of them. Last week, her mother told her, with some distress, that he was opening a new office in California and in all likelihood would relocate there.
Josh, she knew, was putting distance between them.
Celeste sipped her beer. She remembered how stunned she was when, a few days after she regained full consciousness, Amy had told her, as she sat on her hospital bed, that it was important to have closure. So, she told him that she and Celeste had recently gotten together, that they were in love and that she intended to have a relationship.
Lying on the hospital bed, Celeste could hardly believe what Amy was telling her. Holding her hand, Amy explained that she knew it was a decision they should have made together, but it felt right. And as she smoothed hair from Celeste’s face, she told her that their future had no room for deception.
Since Amy’s announcement he had refused to speak to either of them. Celeste had desperately tried to speak to him, to explain. But he wouldn’t listen. It was now at the stage where she didn’t even try. He didn’t want to know. She closed her eyes briefly, aware that no matter Josh’s reaction, and no matter how much it hurt, she couldn’t deny that she was proud of Amy. Proud that she had made the decision to love her openly.
Celeste looked at her father. She had thought she would have a battle with him, but to her surprise, he had accepted it. Accept was maybe too broad a term, she realized, and conceded that he was only as accepting as he was because of the hard work on Camille’s part, and because he was genuinely happy to have Amy back home and safe. Fraser had always had a soft spot for Amy, and it wasn’t too long after he found out about the fire she was involved in that she was able to wrap him around her finger.
Her biggest concern was that Josh’s comments would affect Amy, but to her amazement nothing fazed her these days. If anything, Amy was the one reassuring her that he would come around one day. When she told Amy that she wasn’t so sure he would, Amy told her gently, as she took her in her arms, that sometimes life had loose ends and that it’s that very messy unresolvedness that makes it what it is; that life is a mystery to be lived, not a problem to be solved. And no matter what, they just had to keep trying.
Celeste wasn’t easily won over by Amy’s newfound dime-store philosophy, but she was grateful that she was so upbeat.
Aware that Amy and Sophie had been watching her interaction with Josh, Celeste smiled at them. She watched Sophie whisper something in Amy’s ear.
Amy took a bite of chicken, nodded and gave Sophie a hug.
Celeste was about to join them when Denise joined her.
“Josh doesn’t mean it, Celeste,” she said, looking at her. “It’s just hard for him. I think he can accept Amy moving on. It’s just difficult that she’s moved on and found happiness with you.”
Celeste looked at Denise. She liked that she was such a straight talker. “Do you think he’ll ever come around?”
Denise smiled. “Maybe,” she said, rubbing her stomach. “Maybe I’ll keep him so preoccupied with babies that he won’t have time to think about anything else.” She smiled broadly then whispered, “I’m pregnant.”
Celeste hugged her and said quietly, “Congratulations.”
After the barbecue and the gifts were opened, Josh quickly organized for his family to leave. Celeste hated how uncomfortable these once routine family gatherings had become. She hated that Josh was so unhappy, but she accepted that for now that was how it was. She watched him pack the kids into the car. Denise hugged Camille and Fraser goodbye, Josh didn’t. Celeste hoped he wouldn’t hold a grudge against her parents for too long. She watched her brother drive away and, feeling tense, decided to take Colin up on his offer of a walk along the beach with the kids.
Alex waited for Amy to finish eating her cake before taking her hand and walking slowly with her along the beach. He looked at her. “I love the way that you are so carefree, so spontaneous, so much your old self, but so much is new.”
Amy laughed. “I know.”
Naomi came running toward them to show yet another seashell that she had found. Amy and Alex, in good humor, rolled their eyes at each other, but gave her all the attention she wanted.
A few weeks ago, Colin had caught Naomi’s imagination. He had built an elaborate world of mermaids who lived far, far away and could only be heard through seashells. Since then, Naomi had fallen in love with seashells and now had one permanently stuck to her ear, waiting patiently to hear the mermaids’ call. Amy had left it up to Colin to explain when Naomi wondered why she couldn’t just ring them on a cell phone. Now, waiting to hear the mermaids’ call was a full-blown obsession and she and Celeste were struggling to get Naomi to stop listening even at bedtime.
Amy smiled when Naomi asked her not only to listen but also to kiss the seashell she had found. In exasperation, she bent down and pulled Naomi into her for a big hug. She looked at her. “Munchkin, why do you want me to kiss the seashells?”
Naomi looked back at her, as if she only had one brain cell. “Because Uncle Colin said it’s good luck.”
Amused, but not wanting to kiss every seashell that Naomi came across, Amy replied, “Well, I think the best thing to do is ask Uncle Colin to kiss them himself because as you know Meme’s having a baby and maybe your little sister wouldn’t like it.”
Amy looked up at Alex in disapproval then looked at Naomi. She rubbed Naomi’s nose with hers. “All the good luck I ever need I get from kissing you and Danny.”
This seemed to make perfect sense to Naomi, and wriggling out of Amy’s arms she ran ahead to Colin.
Amy straightened and looked at Alex. “You know your partner is a complete nutter, don’t you? And this seashell thing is getting completely out of hand. She’s obsessed.” Amy looked at him sternly. “Colin needs to stop encouraging her, before Celeste wrings his neck.”
Alex laughed. He picked Amy up in his arms, and twirled her around. “I’ll speak to him,” he said, as he twirled her again. “You look stunning. More beautiful than ever. Pregnancy really suits you.” He gently put her down and, touching her stomach, asked, “How’s the baby?”
“She’s got your appetite and damn fine you know it!”
“I know,” Alex said, wide-eyed. “I’m amazed that you’re so neat given the amount of food you’ve put into your mouth recently.”
Amy laughed then shoved him. “Fortunately, she’s the one getting bigger, not me. But if I end up delivering a baby rhino, you’re in trouble, big guy.”
They laughed then sobered when Celeste strode purposefully toward them, both understanding that Amy shouldn’t really tease him, as his role was strictly biological and “Uncle” status only. But, still, she liked to tease him anyway.