Desired and Dominated (40 page)

“I’m sorry I punched you, Marco.”

“Forgotten already. I would have done the same thing in your position. Punch first, ask questions later.”

“I need some time alone with her, to get her down off that fucking cross, and out of here.”

“Of course. I’ll leave you. Take as long as you need.”

He grabs his shirt, and walks out, leaving me in the silence of my own despair. Sofia’s cries have subsided and she’s completely motionless. I make my way over to her tentatively, my heart breaking at the sight of her, at what I’ve pushed her to.

I don’t say a word. I can’t. I start working on her restraints, kneeling before her to remove the ones from her legs first; livid at the marks left on her skin where she struggled against the metal. When I stand to loosen the wrist restraints, I lift her chin with my finger, forcing her to look at me. I don’t see hate, or regret, or love in her eyes. Her stare is blank, cold and terrifying. She seems almost catatonic. I make short work of freeing her arms, her body slumping against mine for support. She can’t stand on her own, she can’t function. Panic rises inside of me. I don’t know if I can do this. If I can pull her back from the brink. I hold her tight, fighting hard to suppress my anger, and replace it with compassion.

I lift her up into my arms, her body limp, her head dropping down onto my chest. I lay her down on the bed and grab her clothes off of the floor. A sharp pain stabbing at my heart. I dress her quickly, but she doesn’t even look at me. Lifting her carefully back into my arms, I stride out into the hallway, and everyone stops to stare as I walk through the main room. It feels like every set of eyes is on us, but I have more important things to worry about. All I can think of is getting her out of here, getting her home. What happens then? I don’t know.

She hasn’t spoken since we got back to my apartment. I thought it best that I give her some time to rest and regroup before I talk to her about all of this. In truth,
I
needed time too. This is all so far beyond what I thought I was dealing with. I thought this was about the loss of her dancing career. I knew that someone had hurt her, I assumed a past boyfriend or Dom. I thought that if I gave her time, she would open up to me. Hearing Marco say that whatever this is happened when she was young…I was so far off the mark. I should have insisted that she told me from the start. I wanted to be with her so badly that I bent my own rules of full disclosure and afforded her the privacy that is now clearly destroying her.

It’s been two hours since I brought her home, and as I creep into the bedroom, careful not to wake her, I find that she’s in the exact position I left her, still staring at the same spot on the wall; a blank look on her face. I kneel down at the side of the bed, directly in her line of sight. It’s as if she’s looking through me; as if I’m not even here.

“Talk to me, Sofia. Look at me. Anything.”

Nothing.

I’m not ashamed to admit that she is really scaring me. I don’t know how to help her, but trying the soft approach hasn’t worked, so I do the only thing I know.

“LOOK AT ME, NYX…NOW.” Her eyes come to life, darting up to meet mine.

“This is my fault. I was too lax with you. Obviously, I was wrong.”

“This isn’t your fault, Nate. It’s who I am. There’s nothing you can do about it.”

“Bullshit. For a start. Do not call me Nate. I am your Master and you will afford me the respect I deserve after the stunt you pulled today. I may not have been the Master you need up until this point, but rest assured, I won’t make the same mistake again. Sit up.”

I watch the effort it takes for her to lift her small frame from the bed. She seems so defeated. It’s devastating.

“Now, I need you to tell me what Marco was talking about. I’ve known for a long time that you’ve been keeping something from me. You were open about that fact. I thought if I gave you time, you would trust me enough to open up to me, but now I know that this isn’t about trust. This is about how you see yourself; about what you
think
is going to happen if you open up to me.”

“I can’t tell you.”

I grab her by the shoulders, fighting the urge to shake her in my frustration.

“ENOUGH! You
will
tell me, Nyx. I won’t have a submissive that disrespects me. I can’t protect you and care for you properly if you don’t tell me what the hell is going on.”

“You’ll look at me differently. I don’t want your pity. You won’t think I’m perfect anymore, you’ll think I’m dirty.”

“FUCKING HELL! When are you going to understand? When are you going to grasp how much I love you? You’re tearing us apart because of something you
think
is going to happen. Nothing can be worse than what I just witnessed, and I’m still fucking here. You’re killing me.”

I loosen my grip on her, caressing my hands up and over her shoulders, along her neck and onto her face, cupping her cheeks in my palms. My voice is soft but commanding, my gaze pinning her, entreating her to
listen
to me.

“I will make a promise to you here and now. Nothing you could ever say, nothing you could ever do, or that has ever been done to you, would make me love you any less. You’re it for me, Sofia. I don’t think you’re perfect, not by a long shot, but I love you, flaws and all. I love your strengths and your weaknesses. I love every part of you, the good, the bad and the ugly. Please put your faith in that…in me. Let me help you. Please, Nyx…tell me why you hate yourself, when there is so much to love about you.”

Her tears fall freely, drenching my hands. I pull her down onto the floor beside me, cradling her in my arms.

“You have to tell me, baby…”

Cries wrack her body, causing her to convulse in my arms. It breaks my heart to see her like this, but if she doesn’t face this now, I fear she might never come back from this. I thought her overdose was a cry for help. That in her heart of hearts she didn’t
really
want to die that day. I believed what I wanted to believe, because the alternative was too distressing, too awful to contemplate. I thought we were past the worst of it when she made it through rehab. But, now I see, it was just the beginning. The end of her career was a catalyst for so much more. Ballet was her way of coping, and when that was lost, it all came crashing down around her. She overdosed…to end her own life; to end her perpetual suffering. How did I not see that? How could I have failed her so badly?

When her body settles and her cries diminish, I have to ask her again. I need to know.

“What happened to you?”

She lifts her gaze to mine, her eyes red and puffy, bloodshot from so many tears.

“I was 10 years old when it happened.”

Shit. I steel myself for what I fear is coming. I know I need to hold it together for her, to be strong enough for both of us.

“It was Simon’s 14
th
birthday party and all of my parents’ friends were there to help celebrate. People I had known my whole life. It was like any other day, any other party…until it wasn’t. I died that day. The Sofia I was…happy and carefree, trusting…just…died.”

I pull her closer, wishing I could take this away for her, but I don’t say a word, giving her the space she needs to continue.

“Jon was one of my dad’s best friends. He was like an uncle to me and Si. We loved him. He was always the fun one, giving us treats, and getting my dad to cave if we really wanted something. Simon idolized him. I don’t know how he managed to fool everyone for so many years. I don’t know why he did it. I wasn’t the only girl he…”

She starts to shake in my arms. “It’s okay, Sofia. I’m here with you. I won’t let anyone hurt you ever again.” I stroke her hair, trying to calm her rapid heartbeat I feel pounding against my chest.

“He told me he had a surprise for me. That wasn’t unusual, so I didn’t think anything of it when he told me it was up in my bedroom waiting for me. He took my hand and led me upstairs, away from everyone. I knew something was different when he closed the door and turned the lock.”

I don’t know if I can hear this.

“He told me that if I screamed…he would hurt Simon. He knew that Simon was everything to me. I was terrified of anything happening to him, so I kept quiet while he…” She breaks down. “I can’t say it…please don’t make me say it.”

“Shhh. It’s okay. I’ve got you.” I need to know for certain. “Did he rape you?” It kills me even to say the words.

She nods her head, dropping her gaze to the floor.

My world crumbles around me. Everything I thought I knew, scatters into disarray. I am overcome with rage. I feel murderous, holding her broken, shaking body in my arms, and I need to take a moment to rein it in, because I can feel my own body beginning to shake. I try to breathe through the anger, my hands fisting so tight that it hurts.

When I finally gain control of myself, I lift her chin, making sure she is looking into my eyes as I say these words. “Don’t
ever
hang your head in shame, Sofia. You did
nothing
wrong. You were a child. He was an evil son of a bitch, and that is no reflection on who you are.” I wipe the tears from her eyes. “He took your innocence, and despite that, despite everything that you’ve been through, you have grown into the most amazing, caring, loving, extraordinary woman I have ever met. I could never think less of you. I love you even more.”

Her eyes search mine, looking for some hint that I’m not being truthful with her.

“Sofia Mantovani, I love you. Understand this. Own it. Know that you deserve it.” She tries to look away, but I won’t let her. “No. You need to hear this. You need to stop hating yourself, punishing yourself, for something that you had no control over. You are exceptional. You are breath-taking both inside and out. You are and forever will be…my Nyx. My goddess. My everything. Let me in, baby, please. I’m begging you.”

She throws her arms around my neck, kissing me with everything she has, and I let her; giving her the connection she so desperately needs right now. That we both do.

When she finally breaks away, I know that we need to finish this discussion, because if we don’t, one of two things will happen. Either, she will close herself off from me again, and it will tear us apart, or, we’ll discuss it later, and I’ll need to put her through this torment and despair all over again. I don’t know if either of us can cope with that.

“Does Simon know?”

She lets out a sigh. “He was the one that found me.” My heart breaks for them both. For the girl that idolized her big brother, and for him, my friend, having to deal with finding her, at the age of 14. I can’t even begin to imagine how he was able to cope with that. “He made sure I was safe, before going to find Jon. He attacked him in the middle of the party and that’s when my parents found out. Jon’s still in prison to this day. My dad found out that he had done this to other girls and he made sure that he’ll never see the outside of a cell.”

“Good, because if he was out, I would fucking hunt him down and gut him like a pig.”

“Simon feels the same way. Don’t you see? I’m the reason Si is the way he is. He always blamed himself for not being able to protect me. That stayed with him. It’s why he never let any woman get close, it’s why he’s had such a hard time trying to make it work with Jess. It all comes back to him feeling like he can’t protect the women he loves. It’s my fault. It ruined his life. I hate seeing how it changed him.”

Her tears begin to fall again, but this time they are for her brother. As always, she is thinking not of herself, but of everyone else around her.

“You can’t shoulder that burden, Sofia. It is all on Jon. Simon loves you more than his own life, and that’s his choice to make. It’s understandable, you’re very loveable.” That gets a hint of a smile from her. God, I miss her smile. “You can’t feel guilty about him. He’s doing just fine. Yes, he was a man whore, but most guys our age are. Look at him now. He’s making it work with Jess. He loves her something fierce. He’s happy.”

“Why are you being so nice to me?” I can’t believe she’s asking me this.

“Because I love you…more than anything or anyone in my life. You need to accept that and know that it’s a truth that will never change.”

“I’ll try.” She looks so exhausted.

I know we need to talk about what happened at the club tonight, about what she did, but now isn’t the time. She has trusted me with this huge secret, and if I push her as to why she felt she had to go to Marco, I’m concerned that it will push her over the edge. She needs to rest, and I need time to think; to process all of this and decide how we move forward from here.